Do you feel restless in some area of your life? Maybe you’re avoiding something. And instead of focusing on what you’re avoiding, you direct your attention toward some bright shiny object you believe is the answer. All your effort is put in that direction—you’ve figured it out! But as you eventually discover, it’s not the answer you thought it was. That’s because you’re solving the wrong problem, and the longer you chase this bright shiny object, the longer you avoid what’s really going on.

Let’s say you and your partner are both checked out of your relationship, but instead of talking openly about how you’re feeling, you talk about moving. If you moved into a bigger house, farther away from the hustle and bustle, everything would be better. That extra space would lead to fewer arguments. You’d justify your move to friends: lots of parks nearby! Even if you have never mentioned parks being important to you before, you dig your heels in. Yep, moving is the answer to your relationship woes and you can’t wait until escrow closes. Then you move and a few months later you’re both checked out again.

When you think the answer to your problem is what you don’t have, that missing piece will serve as a distraction to what the real problem is… which is always internal. You can spend your whole life chasing your tail by fixing the wrong problems, while your emotional state never shifts. Change can certainly be good, but only if it’s a reflection of what you’re feeling inside, not a distraction from it. So when you feel yourself drawn to something that appears to be the answer, slow down and look for internal feelings of intensity or anxiety that make you want to run toward it. Then ask yourself if there is something you’re avoiding.