What constitutes an affair?  This weeks guest on Doing Divorce Different Brian Burns defines it like this:  "Behaviors or actions a reasonable spouse would feel uncomfortable with." Brian goes on to share that whether the affair is physical or emotional; both are equally difficult to heal from.  In order to heal from an affair you need:

1. Both parties need to be willing to work to heal the marriage.

2. The offending party must take full accountability.

3. The hurt party needs to be open to forgive.

Brian also explains how the offending party can work to build trust again.  This party has shook the foundation of the marriage and the old reality of a trusting relationship no longer exists.  The offending party needs to be prepared to tell the hurt party what they are going to do to build trust again.  Answering the hurt parties questions is a must.  Brian explains what the right and wrong questions are.  Another step the offending party can make is utilizing reassuring behavior, not forever but for a time.  Maybe let the hurt spouse have access to your phone etc.  

Often marriages can heal from affairs.  Brian reminds us that transformation happens through crisis.  If you are feeling alone and are trying to heal through this Brian recommends having at least 2 people you trust that you can talk to about it.  Not people that help you spinout on victim mentality.  But 2 strong souls to help you heal through this.  He also states if you are having trouble eating or sleeping call your doctor.  Let them help you through this difficult phase.  It is part of the self care I always talk about...it is basic self care.  

Books Brian mentioned are:

New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

State of Affairs by Esther Perel

Brian helps adults who are at a crisis point in their marriage gain clarity and confidence and move forward in planning for their family’s future in a way that is healthy and happy for the couple and their children.  Find him here!

MEET OUR CREATOR AND HOST:

After 18 years of Elder Law and Family Law, Lesa Koski brings extensive experience to the complex area of Mediation.  In truth, Lesa Koski Mediates wherever she shows up.  She is fully equipped with the communication skills that bring a taste of peace to the nastiest discrepancies.

Lesa's mission is to offer compassionate, complete, competent services while maker her life such that it blesses humankind.  This mission is palpable when you shake Lesa's hand.  Clients love working with Lesa because she is trustworthy and capable.  Above all, Lesa Koski is a brilliant communicator, bar none.

Website:  https://www.lesakoski.com/

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