Air-Check Your Life

From a Prison Sentence to a Promising Future with Michelle Cirocco

This episode was recorded Live at the Durango Juvenile Detention Facility in Phoenix, Arizona. We have recorded episodes here in the past with Cordero Holmes and Drakkar Wright, but this is the first time we have had a female guest speak in front of 16 young women currently serving time in the Facility.

Michelle grew up in a small town in western New York but moved to Arizona when she was 9. When she got to the "big city", she felt like she didn't fit in, so she became obsessed with being accepted by the new people around her and making the money she felt she needed to move out of the economic class she grew up in. In 8th grade, at age 13, Michelle found acceptance with a "bad crowd" and was kicked out of school for the first time. By 9th grade, at age 15, she realized she could make the money she wanted by dealing the drugs she liked to do. That same year, she was arrested on 65 charges of selling cannabis and spent a week in Durango. She was released with a felony conviction, three years of probation, and a short-lived new outlook on life.

This sentence seemed to set her on the straight and narrow. She cleaned up her act, got off probation early, and enrolled in a modeling school to pursue her dreams. However, the harsh modeling industry was not welcoming to her, and after being rejected at her first audition, she felt like a failure with no options to make her dreams a reality. This rejection brought back her childhood fears of rejection and being unable to create a life that was more than the one she came from.

At 19, she and her boyfriend decided their best option was to start a family. After having two kids and several dead-end jobs, she decided she could do better. So she left him to go find it, but with no real plan, she quickly fell back into what she knew and began not only selling drugs but also running a meth lab out of her house. Michelle tells us "She was making good money until she wasn't". In 1996, her life changed forever when she was given the maximum 7-year prison sentence for her crimes. She had two young kids and had no idea what to expect, except that her life would never be the same.

In prison, Michelle's counselor gave her the wake-up call she needed. He told her she could wait out the sentence worrying about what the other women thought about her and trying to fit in, or she could use the time to better herself. It took her losing everything to finally feel empowered to make a change and figure out how to get it all back. Michelle ultimately served 5 years, 11 months, and 26 days. This year, she is celebrating 21 years of freedom. She says the first step in her journey to redemption was taking a hard look at her life and figuring out how she got where she was. After that, she went through a recovery program, got serious about her education, and has since dedicated her life to working with women in prisons across the country to help them turn their lives around.

Throughout this journey, Michelle realized that the issue wasn’t the people around her but rather the fact that she was more concerned with their opinion of her than how she viewed herself. She had no idea who she was, what she cared about, or where she wanted to be, so she didn't know what steps it would take to make it happen. This is why, when working with incarcerated women, she tells them that setting and meeting goals is the key to making real change. She encourages them to use visualization practices, like vision boards, to dream bigger than they have ever imagined before to determine what they want their lives to look like, then break down the steps it takes for them to get there.

Michelle does warn that when you decide to change your life, people around you can resist, push back, and challenge you because they get envious, insecure, or feel like they are losing you. Generational incarceration and familial rejection can make this even more difficult. Looking back, Michelle sees her prison sentence as the best thing that could have happened to her because it gave her the space to dig in, believe in herself, rebuild herself, and connect with the resources she needed. 

“If I could have anything, what would it be?”

 In this episode, you'll hear:

• That we cannot let other people's opinions of us be what we believe ourselves to be. 

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Michelle Cirocco on LinkedIn

Resources:

• Televerde

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Guest Management Credits:

• Sam Robertson

The Negative Impacts of Youth Sports and What to Do About It with Scott Lancaster 

Through this conversation, Mathew and Scott hope to help parents and coaches develop a renewed sense of how they might act when it comes to children in youth sports. Mathew, a former athlete and current youth sports coach for his own children, is intimately familiar with the negative impacts that bad coaching can have on children and is actively working to develop his athletes in this new, more holistic way Scott is championing. It’s imperative that coaches understand who they are coaching, what they can and cannot do, and keep expectations age-appropriate despite the desire to advance children quickly through the ranks.

Scott and Mathew talk about the role that bad coaching and parenting in youth sports have had on the current mental health crisis, the "inner child wounds" many kids develop through sports, and the ways in which negative and positive childhood sports experiences follow people through their entire lives and impact their self-image into adulthood.

Many people say youth sports were great for them or their children, but Scott ponders the counterfactual that we can never know how great they could have been if they had not played the game. Scott goes on to give specific examples of ways children are being damaged by youth sports and possible solutions to the problems. From small changes, like swapping "Did you win?" for "How did you play?", to larger structural changes like reframing the way we think about the purpose of youth sports. There is a close connection between how we coach youth sports and how we parent children, and both have to shift towards developing more resilient kids by teaching them how to deal with losing more than striving to win and talking to them about what they are feeling to help them internalize what they are doing.

Scott Lancaster is one of three co-founders of Whole Child Sports. WCS "offers parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness." As a former athlete and current parent, youth sports and youth athletes have been a passion of Scott’s for more than 20 years. He spent six years with US Soccer, working directly with Mia Hamm and other U.S. Women’s National Team players to increase representation and participation in the sport. He also spent 12 years with the NLF, developing youth programming. Throughout his career, Scott has worked with many of the Greats in professional sports to make significant and important changes in the philosophy of sports, the youth-to-professional pipeline, and the way sports operate in order to focus on improving youth development.

"Youth sports, as good as they've been for some, have been terrifying for others…"

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Practical ways parents can shift to start raising healthier children through athletics

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Bio

Resources:

• The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance by Timothy Gallwey

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

"If I can't be good, I'll be the best and being bad."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• What Lucy’s life was like after her sexual abuse

In our first conversation with Lucy, we talked about childhood sexual abuse, the importance of setting boundaries, and understanding what is appropriate. In this episode, we discuss her life after she experienced sexual abuse as well as her resulting struggle with drugs and alcohol. It got to the point where she showed up drunk to school and eventually started buying and selling drugs. She tells us at this point, "I was abusing myself." However, after witnessing a graphic incident that happened to a friend of hers, she got the wake-up call she needed. Lucy also says getting pregnant at 19 saved her life because she had to get things in order and face the things she had been hiding from for so long. She and her daughter were able to grow up together. Now, Lucy is finally ready to date again, but she tells us she still can't seem to get it right. One thing she does know is to skip the dating apps, and through this conversation, Mathew may have provided her with a new way to try to connect with someone.

Lucy Alvarez is a first-generation American citizen and a native of Phoenix, Arizona. She is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She tells us she doesn't feel like she is fully on the other side of her trauma, but that she is still working every day to walk in the right direction. Lucy has traveled the world, overcome so much in her life, and is now passionate about sharing her story to help others understand how to set boundaries and be the best version of themselves, even when it gets hard.

"If I can't be good, I'll be the best and being bad."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• What Lucy’s life was like after her sexual abuse

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• David Leicken, MD - http://ironwoodbehavioralhealth.com/index.html 

Resources:

• Lucy’s first episode: Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse, Setting Boundaries, and Fixing Your Picker 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Today we wrap up our 4 week series on Intimacy with Dr. Fedrick and today we tackle five questions:

1. My wife and I have settled into a sex routine that is boring, and predictable. How can I present and what can I present to her to shake that up?

2. My husband was sexually abused as a teenage boy and struggles with intimacy as a result. What can I do to help him heal so we can have that optimal relationship?

3. My husband had a hard childhood, now he withdraws a lot. Avoids conversations and just stays busy. What is your advice to approach that conversation so I can support him?

4. My wife is a beautiful woman. I love her, she loves me but we do have a problem. After three kids, she has struggled with her weight. It’s developed into some body image issues and simply put she doesn’t feel pretty anymore and that has impacted our sex life. Is it possible for me to help her understand that I don’t care about the weight, I just want my confident wife back?

5. My husband and I are insanely busy. We have three kids under 6 and they are all in activities and we both work, simply put we don’t have time for intimacy, I’ve heard of people scheduling sex - does that work?

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick on Instagram

Resources: 

• Evolve Counseling on Instagram

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Week Three - Barriers to Intimacy

Welcome back to week three and this week Mathew and Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick talk about:

• How we lose intimacy

We'll also break down:

• Emotional neglect

Quote of the podcast, “Stop telling them to go right, tell them you love it when they go left”

Dr. Fedrick and Mathew also explain what they need to feel safe and do so with an exercise you can do yourself.

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick on Instagram

Resources: 

• Evolve Counseling on Instagram

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

In week two its all about relational programming. Time to get clear on your triggers. WHY? 

You have to understand yourself, then work on things with others. It really doesn't work the other way around. So we will serve up tools like 

• Check ins

Quote:

“What was once adaptive is now maladaptive”

Plus Dr. Fedrick puts Mathew through and exercise on his "PEOPLE PLEASING."

Here is a link to the Instagram post we talked about

https://www.instagram.com/p/CtFG5rRvaqT/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick on Instagram

Resources: 

• Evolve Counseling on Instagram

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

What are the Five types of Intimacy? We plan to cover that and more today.

It's important to note that relationships require effort, and sometimes the spark or initial connection may fade over time. If you find yourself feeling consistently disconnected or lacking compatibility with your partner, it may be worth discussing these concerns with them openly and honestly.

In cases where you're struggling with intimacy, self-sabotage, or any relationship challenges, seeking therapy or professional help can be beneficial. That is exactly what we are doing the entire month of July. It's intimacy month on Learn from People who Lived it. Each week we'll be welcoming Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick to talk through the struggles we ALL have with intimacy. Connect with her below.

Connect with the guest:

• Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick on Instagram

Resources: 

• Evolve Counseling on Instagram

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

In this episode, Sam Bradford and Mathew Blades connect for a conversation on Independence. It's more than fireworks, picnics and apple pie its about not relying on someone else for the way you feel. 

Quote:

"The hard part is that when I'm dependent on those things, when I get 'em I feel better than I am and when I don't I feel worse than I really am." Sam Bradford

To learn more about Bradford and Blades, please look at our flyer here. 

or email us here: [email protected]

Also, if you or someone you know wants to be a guest on our podcast please visit us online here for a very straight forward system.

Happy Fourth of July friend.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The long-term impacts of moving around a lot when you are a child

Clay Jones is a father, social worker, and survivor who grew up as the youngest child in a dysfunctional, alcoholic, incestuous, and abusive family blended by marriage that frequently moved around the world. Mathew and Dr. Dave talk about the pros and cons of a transient childhood and how it impacted Clay in the long term. He tells us he felt like "the lost child" who didn't mourn leaving people and places he never felt connected to in the first place. Often left to his own devices, he says he became a "frozen boy" that grew into a "frozen man," not allowing himself to feel the good or the bad. He felt most safe with his older sister, but it wasn't until he was an adult that he learned his father had been sexually abusing her from ages 8 to 12. This caused her to be distant from the family and had a profoundly negative impact on Clay.

Domestic violence is often thought of as just involving male perpetrators and female survivors, but it's more complicated than that. Clay is now 20 years into his healing journey and is learning how to fully feel for the first time in a safe space. Even though the feeling of fear will never go away entirely, the ability to recognize it and move forward through it is its own sign of progress in recovery and reparenting. Clay has found ways to forgive both of his parents after their passing, and the trauma of his childhood now makes him a great social worker and loving father. The most important thing in his recovery has been taking a leap of faith, pushing past the shame, finding a community, connecting, and developing healthy relationships.

 Clay has written a memoir about his life called My Sister's Brother. A short version of his recovery story can be found here.

"Forgiveness is an inside job."

 In this episode, you'll hear:

• The long-term impacts of moving around a lot when you are a child

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Dr. David Leicken, MD

Resources:

• Adult Children of Alcoholics®& Dysfunctional Families

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Guest Management Credits:

• Sam Robertson

We've all learned things along the way. Most times, we put that knowledge to good use but there are other times we're we act like we don't know better.  We turn the other way, ignore our gut feelings and choose to make a decision that won't serve us or the world. So today Jill and me are going to hash that out a little. We will pass out two very useful tools and talk about:

• Why American grief just hits different 

Mathew tells the story of how his gambling addiction came to a close and Jill asks for more butter for her popcorn HAHAH

Quote of the podcast: "The brain believes what you tell it." 

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Jill McMahon Counseling 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson