Air-Check Your Life

Teen Pregnancy and the Resiliency Needed to Make it Through 

In this episode, you'll hear:

• What would Andrea do if one of her children entered teen pregnancy?

Andrea Wallen was raised in a Christian household with her brother and two sisters. She was homeschooled, so going to church multiple times a week was her main outlet and something that was very near and dear to her heart. When she was 16 and singing in the church choir, a new face walked in. It was an older boy who would eventually become the father of her first son. Contrary to conventional assumptions, Andrea tells us she believes that if she hadn't been homeschooled, she may not have gotten pregnant so young because she “would have known more” about life.

After she became pregnant, her church told her she was not welcome back because she was a “bad example”. When she told her parents, they offered to help her raise the child but told her if she didn't accept their terms and ever left, she could never come back. Andrea decided she’d rather stay with the father of her children and left home to get married. Shortly after, her son was born. A few months after that, her husband was deployed to Iraq. When he came back, she says he was a whole different person, and there were many scary nights she spent hiding from him due to his struggles with PTSD. Eventually, she left him, and before she was even 21, she began to work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

There was a period of time when her son was a few years old, when they were homeless, living in a hotel, and had no car, when she realized she needed her parents. At that time, her parents were going through a divorce, and like they told her, she was not welcome back. There were moments when she felt like her family was falling apart, and it was her fault. This weight, combined with being told she was a disappointment by her parents and church, took a toll on her self-worth. However, she maintained her faith and tells us now that it was the only thing that gave her hope and set her on solid ground.

Through it all, she just kept going. She lived many years in survival mode, and eventually, her resilience brought her to a life that she says she dreamed of on those nights when she was sleeping in a shed. She tells us it was her son who kept her going. She knew she couldn't let him down, and she had no other option than to make it work.

“Even if your life isn't stable in your living condition, know that you can be their stability. You are their rock. You are what their foundation is going to be when they look back.”

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The psychological impact of being pushed out of the church

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Dr. Frank Bevacqua

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

In this episode, you'll hear:

• What it felt like to lose her parents and how she deals with the grief

Elizabeth was born and raised in Arizona with her brother. Her mother was an educator, and her father worked for the newspaper. She tells us she had a great childhood and recalls good memories from that time in her life. However, like many of us, Elizabeth has faced more than her fair share of hard times. Not all of us have a single huge life-defining moment, but rather we face several “normal” challenges throughout our lives.

Health scares, raising children, professional conflicts, divorce, losing our parents.

Through it all, Elizabeth has always found a way to put one foot in front of the other, grow from the pain, and move forward. Today, she joins us to talk to all the people who are doing life and share the tools she has learned and developed over the years that help her through it.

In 2008, Elizabeth had a near-death experience when she survived two pulmonary embolisms. That scare endowed her with a sense of fearlessness when it came to trying things she’d only dreamt of until then and pushed her to pursue her dreams of writing a children's book and trying out stand-up comedy.

In 2015, Elizabeth's mother passed away unexpectedly. She tells us her mother was her best friend, and losing her took an immeasurable toll on Elizabeth and her two sons. Just two months and eight days later, her father passed. Her boys were 6 and 12 at the time, and she felt pressure to keep it together for them. However, through this experience, she learned that she had to feel her feelings in order to move through them. Grief counseling helped her during this period, but even now, all these years later, she tells us that grief never leaves her; it just changes form.

A few years after she lost her parents, Elizabeth went through a divorce that was finalized in 2020. This brought a new version of a feeling she knew well: grief. She compared these different periods of grief to going through a metamorphosis that changed who she was. It can be painful, but when you come out the other side, you have grown.

As a backdrop to all of these experiences, Elizabeth has been an early childhood educator for 28 years. She started teaching in 1995 and tells us she has seen drastic changes in the kids she works with since the advent of social media in the aftermath of the pandemic. Between these changes in children, a lack of appreciation and understanding from parents, and pressure from administrators, being an educator has been getting harder every year.

No matter what your life looks like, grief and strife are inevitable. However, joy and growth are just as ever-present. For Elizabeth, taking one day at a time, remembering tomorrow is a new day, embracing change and fear, using humor, and talking to counselors and peers helps her through it. Start small and find a thing that makes you happy, then try that without fear.

“An adventure takes a first step. Don't be afraid to take that step.”

In this episode, you'll hear:

• What it felt like to lose her parents and how she deals with the grief

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Sticker Room Adventure by Elizabeth Detrick Jeffrey 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Finding Longevity and Avoiding Compassion Fatigue with Dr. Kathleen Rickard

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The difference between compassion and empathy

Dr. Kathleen Rickard was born and raised in a Catholic family in Phoenix as the only daughter of five children. Her father was absent, and her mother was tough out of necessity, so Kathleen’s emotional needs were often pushed to the side. As a silver lining, these challenges make her great at what she does now. Kathleen has been a registered nurse since 1981. She was in the emergency room for 12 years, then became a nurse practitioner because she was concerned about burnout. She went back to school in 1997 to become a Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP), then went back to school and is now a Doctor of Nursing Practice (DNP).

In this episode, Mathew, Frank, and Dr. Kathleen Rickard discuss the healer's dilemma, the ways chakras impact our health, and how our diets and guts affect our overall wellness. Dr. Kathleen also talks about burnout, compassion fatigue, and how revisiting our childhood loves can guide us to longevity. She encourages us to give ourselves pause long enough to feel what feels right to us. Seek out fun and stay in the flow.

"Your body works better when you're working with ease and you use emotion to be your guide."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The difference between compassion and empathy

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Dr. Frank Bevacqua

• Jill McMahon’s Episodes: Understanding Suicide, Prevention, and Coping with Loss and The Brain Believes What You Tell It 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Talking about Death with Children and Connective Compartmentalization with Caryn Kondo

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Best practices to communicate about death with children

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Caryn discuss how the death of her brother was explained to her when she was a child and how she dealt with it, why the language used to talk about death with children is so important, and how making the switch from caretaker to patient impacted Caryn and her family.

Caryn Kondo grew up in a grieving household. When she was about to turn 5, her younger brother drowned. Her parents did a great job of talking about what happened, but that kind of loss affects everyone in the family. As she grew older, she decided she wanted to help others who were grieving and became a clinical social worker and bereavement specialist. After a long and successful career, a few years into her retirement, Caryn was diagnosed with a rare cancer. After a month of unknowns, it was eventually identified as goblet cell carcinoma, a rare, aggressive subtype of appendix cancer. Caryn tells us she dealt with a lot of insecurity and fear around the unknowns when her doctors couldn't figure out what it was. The time between identifying there was an issue and actually receiving the diagnosis was a time full of pain and struggling to remain in control of the unknown. She was used to being the professional helping others grieve, but then she was in it, and things changed.

As a clinical social worker, "This isn't my story today" was her mantra to help her not take her work home with her. However, after her diagnosis, the challenge in front of her was her story, and she had to find new mental boundaries to help herself survive. Connective compartmentalization is the coping technique she developed. "Building fences, not walls" is how she describes this practice. This method, in addition to new mantras, mindfulness practices, and self-pep talks, got her through it.

"The word death is not a bad word. We can say it with kindness and love."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Best practices to communicate about death with children

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Dr. Frank Bevacqua

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

The Intersection of Sobriety and Sexuality

Tawny Lara is an NYC-based writer, podcast host, and sober sexpert. Her writing has been featured in Playboy, Men’s Health, and the Huffington Post. Her most recent book, Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, is available now!

In this episode, you'll hear:

• You don't have to reach rock bottom to decide to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.

Tawny tells us she was the stereotypical bartending party girl when she was living in her hometown of Waco, Texas. She didn't have a traditional rock bottom moment, instead, she felt like she was constantly living at rock bottom. She was binge drinking regularly, driving drunk, having unprotected sex, and entering into unhealthy relationships. Eventually, she realized something had to change, so she bought a one-way ticket to New York to get serious about her writing career. Your problems are going to move with you no matter where you go, but for Tawny, leaving the bartending scene in Texas allowed her to escape the patterns she was stuck in and become the writer she knew she could be. However, after she moved to New York, her partying decreased, but she was still drinking regularly. At 29 in 2015, she realized that alcohol was standing in the way of her being the best version of herself. She decided she would give up alcohol for her 30th year and start a blog about it. What started as a year-long social experiment to hold her accountable turned into 8 years without a drink and a thriving career showing others you can thrive in sobriety.

Alcohol abuse is often a symptom of a larger problem. For her, those larger problems were undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Once she quit drinking and started yoga, therapy, and developing healthy relationships, she was able to meet her real self, address the real issues, get on proper medications, and stop self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. After she removed the alcohol, she finally had to deal with the repercussions of her past actions. Tawny says "That is the work". The hard part is figuring out why you drink and how you can replace that with healthy coping mechanisms that you can use every day.

Tawny's first anniversary of sobriety, 2016, is the same year she met Lisa on Instagram. Tawny went to Lisa's book launch, and the rest is history. Together, they have been co-hosting the Recovery Rocks Podcast for the past 5 years. Recovery Rocks is part of Tawny’s passion to live sober out loud and show people that you can have fun, date, network, have great sex, and live a great life without alcohol.

Tawny's new book, Dry Humping, is about this intersection of sobriety and sexuality. When she gave up alcohol, she felt like she had no idea how to date, let alone have sex without drinking. Between the social stigma of sobriety being boring or the "liquid courage" we think we need to engage in social activities, she has had to do a lot of unlearning problematic tropes and figuring out who she is in a world that expects certain behaviors from her. Women are taught their role is to please others, and that leads to a lot of their dating and sexual activity being performative. Mathew and Tawny end on an interesting conversation about how porn and social expectations impact men and women in different and surprisingly similar ways. Tawny also talks about the impact alcohol and drug abuse have on the LGBTQ+ community, her bisexuality, and how sobriety changed her relationship with her own identity.

"When I got sober was really when I met me for the first time."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why was Tawny drinking to excess?

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• SobrieTea Party

Connect with the Guest

• Tawny Lara on Instagram 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Advocating for Yourself Through a Cancer Diagnosis with Romy Wightman

"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Romy discuss her 9-year journey with stage 4 colon cancer, the mind-body connection, how she had to advocate for herself, and her advice for anyone newly diagnosed. Romy tells us why she was so private about her diagnosis for so long, what she learned in therapy that changed her view on sharing her story, and how vulnerability and openness changed her life. We also learn how she dealt with three very different reactions from her three very different children, the role communication played in making sure everyone got what they needed, and the direct correlation between her cancer subsiding and her prioritizing her needs.

Mathew shares his personal connection to Romy’s story and how cancer has impacted people he loves. Dr. Frank gives us best practices for taking tough news, methods to start working on yourself when you realize that your actions are contributing to your mental and physical health, how we can learn skills we feel we don't innately have, and the role close friends play along the road of recovery.

Romy Wightman is a mother, a cancer survivor, and an advocate. She was originally diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer and told she would just need surgery to remove the tumor and then be done with it. However, right before that surgery, she had a PET scan that showed a concerning spot on her liver. After the surgery, she went for an MRI to investigate more, and that is when she found out she had stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her liver and would cause her to need chemotherapy treatments. Romy says this is when she began to feel like a "real cancer patient". Her doctors wanted to start her chemotherapy right away, but she didn’t feel right about it and advocated for another scan to make sure there were no other cancerous spots. After a lot of pushback, she got the scan, and it showed that she was right. The cancer had spread. She was told there was no treatment. She would be on chemotherapy for the rest of her life, and that life wouldn't be long.

At that time, Romy had an 8th grader, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader, and she didn't feel like she was going to die. In fact, she felt completely normal despite being told that she had about a year to a year and a half to live. She says it took her about 48 hours to stop freaking out, then she quickly decided that for her kids, she would act as normal as possible, do whatever she could to not alter their lives, and start researching other treatment options. She found a support group and an experimental treatment that could potentially work. Eventually, she got connected with a surgeon at the University of California, San Diego, who would do it for her. After this experimental treatment, she had several recurrences and kept having surgeries to hold them off.

The first 2 years were survival, but at about the 3-year mark, she realized she was not happy, and it wasn't because of the cancer. It was because she didn't want to be married to her husband anymore, so she asked for a divorce. Her now-ex-husband wanted to pretend this wasn't going on, and Romy says the stress of cancer exposes and magnifies cracks that were there all along. The divorce was messy, but her kids were supportive, and once she made the choice, her cancer recurrences started getting further apart. She was in therapy at the time, and she noticed a connection between her mental state and her physical health. Romy always took good care of her body, eating healthy and exercising, but she was also stressed, resentful, and not taking time for herself. After her separation from her husband and prioritizing taking care of her mind as well as her body, she only had one more reoccurrence about 6 months later, and that was the last one. That recurrence was five years ago.

"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Dr. Frank Bevacqua

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Putting the Pieces Back Together with Melissa Bottorff-Arey

In this episode, you'll hear:

• How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident

On August 7, 2016, Melissa Bottorff-Arey became a "survivor mom" as her 21-year-old son Alex died by suicide. Alex had always been a high achiever, but the stress of college, a recent breakup, and life in general took their toll on him. He reached out to the school counseling center, but they were overloaded, so his visits were few and far between and not productive. Although Alex had many friends, he didn’t like to ‘burden’ anyone. He preferred to be the one helping others and often wouldn't reach out when he needed help himself. Alex spent his last summer at home with his family, where he and Melissa talked regularly, but there was no way she could have known how much he was keeping from her. The last time Melissa saw Alex, she could tell something was off but didn’t see any of the "telltale signs," and he had plans to return home just 8 days later. In the early days, Melissa wasn’t sure how she would be able to live, let alone find meaning or joy again. Her whole family was forever changed, yet somehow they all survived, and eventually, the hard work of picking up the leftover pieces began. With a lot of hard work, tools, and support, Melissa has learned to live alongside her grief and is now living out her mission of creating a community of support and healing for suicide loss survivors.

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Melissa discuss how to carry grief and pain at the same time, factors that lead to increased suicidal ideation, and the impact people around you have on your mental health. Dr. Frank outlines the costs and benefits of mental health medication, what suicidal ideation is, and when it switches to becoming suicidal. What would Melissa have done differently if she knew Alex had made that switch? She tells us what she has learned over the years about how to be a safe person to talk to, why parent guilt is unique, and how knowledge has helped her deal with it. There is a balance between modeling behavior and grieving authentically that she has had to manage with her other two children and has gotten to a place now where she understands the difference between trauma and grief. She says finding a community is the most important thing to do after a loss, and she is doing her part to create one through her organization, The Leftover Pieces.

"I know I will always be a work in progress, but now I also know I can live a good life, right alongside my grief."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Connect with the guest:

• Melissa Bottorff-Arey Instagram

Resources:

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Guest Management Credits:

• Sam Robertson

I'm excited for you to hear this episode because we are putting on a very thoughtful retreat for those that are dealing with grief and wanting to create some space for themselves. Our first event is October 14th and here is the link to sign up today: RETREAT

If you are at least three months from losing your loved one, our team of healers will guide you through 4 unique experiences to help you start or continue the healing process of losing your loved one. 

• Breathwork and movement led by Teresa Porter, with over 23 years of experience

• Licensed and certified massage therapist and yoga instructor

• Proud Disabled Veteran with a Degree in Psychology, with a focus on research for Anxiety Disorders using horses with anxiety disorders.

• Podcast host and mental wellness advocate

Thank you for listening.

Mathew

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Dave, and Caryn discuss how bullying at a young age can impact us as adults, the slow ramp-up of abuse, and the hurdles that must be overcome to escape and avoid abusive relationships. Dr. Dave talks about why kids bully, the roles fear and shame play in keeping people in bad situations, and the challenges of finding a therapist that fits your needs. Caryn opens up about why "just leaving" domestic abuse isn't as easy as it may seem, how she came to understand abuse is more than just physical violence, and how all of this impacted her son and her relationship with him. She ends the episode by sharing how she learned being alone was better than being in a dysfunctional relationship and giving her advice to the person listening who is still keeping their suffering a secret. Read more below.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• How therapy and community helped Caryn escape and recover

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Dr. David Leicken, MD

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Caryn Lewis grew up with a loving family in Tempe, Arizona. Her parents were lifelong friends and college sweethearts. Typically, our parents' relationships model what ours might look like, but unfortunately, bullying and low self-esteem got in the way of that for Caryn. She started to have self-esteem issues in elementary school when she was made fun of for having glasses and being a smart girl. The bullying escalated in junior high, but she was afraid to tell her parents, thinking it would just make the issues worse. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, and that led to bad choices when it came to boys and, as she got older, men. She tells us she never worked through her issues with self-esteem, and she married the first guy that showered her with love and attention, thinking this was her only shot at happiness.

She had a son with her first husband before we cheated on her. This compounded her feelings of never being enough. After that relationship, she tells us she felt codependent and desperate for love. She fell back into the same pattern of going all in on the next man to come along. This was how her second marriage started. There were red flags, but she didn't want to be a two-time divorcee or a single parent. He verbally abused her and her son and put them in significant financial debt. Along the way, he made promises that he would change, saying that things would get better and that he was always sorry, but they never did. She thought, "I have to suck it up and make this work. He hasn’t hit me, so it must not be abuse." She was afraid of what people would think if they knew how bad it had become.

After about a year and a half, she reached her breaking point. She began to understand that she was being abused and found the courage to leave him. She tells us it was easier than she thought to finally take the leap. One day, Caryn reached out to her sister, and she showed up to help pack immediately. None of the things Caryn was afraid of happened. No one thought less of her. On the contrary, they were all proud of her. Her son was excited, and her parents were glad to take her in.

After she left him, the real healing began in her life. She got counseling and was able to address the insecurities that had kept her in the abusive relationship for so long. She reached out to non-profits and started reading books about loss, which helped her understand that she wasn't alone. She learned she needed to share what she had learned, so she started giving back and working with people who had suffered other traumas. She lived with her parents for several years, saved up to buy her own house, and through a period of discovery with trial and error, she learned how to be alone. She took years away from dating until she was confident that she could recognize and respond appropriately to red flags. Eventually, she met a good man, dated him for over 7 years, and now, at age 50, has been happily married for 4 wonderful years.

"If you never see the patterns, you never have the opportunity to change."

From Disgust to Dignity: Letting Go of Self-Loathing with Bob Fabey

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Bob discuss what the Dignity Gap is, how the industrial revolution and the pandemic widened the gap, and why communication is the key to closing the gap. Bob outlines Position vs. Interests, Intent vs. Impact, and the power of noticing, naming, and addressing emotions in being able to communicate effectively and treat all people with dignity.

TAP (thoughts, actions, and practices) is a shorthand to remember that negative thoughts quickly turn into actions and impact our daily practices, and having some set of rules to live by or a relationship to honor is helpful to give guidance through life, whether found through religion or not. Bob tells us about the two different kinds of disgust and how they impact relationships with our coworkers, our families, and ourselves. Finding dignity and pulling yourself out of self-loathing isn't always as easy as it seems it should be. Sometimes stepping into action before you feel like it is the act of courage needed to push through and make it to the other side.

Bob Fabey is the founder of Fabey Insights, a trainer, coach, and author of the newly released book, The Dignity Gap. He lives in Arizona and has two grown kids with his college sweetheart, Amy. Bob's father was a Special Operations Vietnam veteran who came from an abusive home. Bob's family didn't know what PTSD was, but they were dealing with it nonetheless. While Bob was navigating that home, he was also being bullied at school. He tells us this led to a hatred that became internalized and manifested in self-loathing and disgust. Bob has also suffered from migraines his whole life, and that became another thing that led him to believe something was wrong with him, compounding the feelings of helplessness and hate. To deal with this disgust, he drank and did anything else he thought might shut those feelings out, to no avail. It wasn't until college that he got serious about his faith and pursued a relationship with Christ. Bob talks about the difference between identity and behavior and how, through his journey into Christianity, his identity and sense of what is true changed. Today, Bob has been in ministry for nearly 30 years, earned his master's degree in divinity, and is passionate about helping everyone understand they do have value, no matter what.

"I have to handle my own business so I can be present for others."

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The different ways disgust can manifest

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 

Resources:

• Nate’s Breaks

Connect with the Guests:

• Dr. Frank Bevacqua

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson