All Home Care Matters

Episode 49 – A Discussion on Dementia with Jennifer Fink

Hello, and welcome back to All Home Care Matters. If this is your first time visiting us here at the show. Thank you for taking time out to be with us today. We appreciate how valuable everyone’s time is and that is why we try and make each episode here at All Home Care Matters something that will hopefully matter to you.

We have a very special guest joining us today and her name is Jennifer Fink. Jennifer is the founder of the Fading Memories Podcast. Fading Memories is a podcast that helps families who have loved ones with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Jennifer spent the first half of her adult life as a portrait photographer, a business she still maintains. Listening to podcasts became a favorite way to learn new things while walking the dogs or doing household chores. After the death of her father in March 2017, dealing with and caring for her Mother became a much bigger part of her life. Looking to her favorite media in search of answers and not finding what she was looking for, Jennifer decided she would create a supportive podcast that caregivers of Alzheimer’s patients need and deserve. 

Jennifer is the daughter, granddaughter & great granddaughter of women who suffered from Alzheimer’s or other cognitive impairment. Looking for answers on how not to become the fourth generation with this problem while also seeking ways to connect better with her Mom has led her on this interesting journey with her new passion, podcasting.

If you or someone you know is trying to navigate caring for a loved one with memory loss you’re busy even if you’re not responsible for their full time care. There are so many daily questions and challenges and finding the answer isn’t as easy as it should be. Fading Memories is a podcast designed to answer those daily questions in an easy to use format. Their weekly podcast has conversations from folks who have some of the answers and personal stories from family members dealing with a loved one with memory loss.

But the caring and the questions didn’t end there, in fact, more questions piled on and finding answers took more time than she or her sister had. This podcast is the result of the search for answers. If you are interested in learning more about Jennifer and the Fading Memories podcast you can visit fadingmemoriespodcast.com. We will be providing links to Jennifer and the Fading Memories podcast in our show notes.

We want to thank you and Jennifer for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone is who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode.

Sources for Fading Memories Podcast:

Fading Memories Website:

www.fadingmemoriespodcast.com

Apple:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fading-memories/id1372194620 

Google: 

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5mYWRpbmdtZW1vcmllc3BvZGNhc3QuY29tL2ZlZWQvcG9kY2FzdC8

Spotify:  

https://open.spotify.com/show/3deSSZyYhuvND3XQtbBE0W 

YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO3X7ufUPUrq5j1aNcW_ELg?view_as=subscriber

Fading Memories Podcast 

http://www.fadingmemoriespodcast.com

Episode 48 – Isolation and Seniors

Hello, and welcome back to All Home Care Matters. If this is your first time visiting us here at the show we want to say thank you for taking time out to be with us today. We appreciate how valuable everyone’s time is and that is why we try and make each episode here at All Home Care Matters something that will hopefully matter to you.

As COVID-19 rates continue to surge, many isolated seniors are facing a second epidemic: loneliness. Because so many seniors live alone, the elderly in the United States have been disproportionately impacted by loneliness for decades, but the pandemic has only made this problem worse.

It hurts to think of our parents or grandparents as lonely – especially when we aren’t able to visit with them the way we used to. Still, this is something we must acknowledge. The hard truth is that the number of seniors in isolation continues to rise. And loneliness is not merely undesired. It can actually have devastating effects on health. That’s why it’s so important that we can identify signs of loneliness in our loved ones and get them the help they need.

Loneliness, by the way, isn’t just a problem for seniors. Many family members who step into the role of caregiver will experience loneliness. Often, this major life change happens quickly and unexpectedly. The balance between personal life and caregiver life can be easily blurred, or you may not feel you have any balance at all. In this episode, we’ll go over ways to combat loneliness for seniors and caregivers alike.

There is hope – even during a pandemic. But to find it, we need to be informed.

Loneliness in seniors is getting worse. AARP recently reported that “millions of older adults across the country struggle with feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a lack of regular companionship.” These high numbers only seem to be growing. According to the Pew Research Center, more than 27% of adults over the age of 60 live by themselves. At the same time, an AARP survey by the University of Michigan found that 1 in 4 people complain of feeling isolated from time to time, while 1 in 3 say they “lack regular companionship.”

For those who only socialized once a week or less, loneliness was reported in higher numbers. On the other hand, seniors who said that they are socially active several times a week, were far less likely to report feeling isolated.

There are many reasons for seniors to feel especially lonely. As their independence dwindles, so do their options. If they have trouble moving, it can feel too difficult to get to social events, and it may even be impossible to leave the house. At the same time, a lack of mobility can damage a person’s dignity. It’s common for an older adult to isolate himself, simply because he doesn’t want friends or family to witness his new struggles.

When a senior can no longer drive, isolation is probable. Driving goes hand in hand with freedom – and without access to a car, attending social events and leaving the house is far more difficult. If your loved one is no longer driving, make sure to offer her rides or find another solution to help her leave the house and keep her world more open.

The elderly may also feel more alone if they have no family in the area and the health of their friends is declining. The sad reality is that seniors have to face the loss of friends and even spouses far more often. If visiting with friends is simply not an option, due to poor health, and family can only visit once a month – feelings of loneliness are pretty much inevitable.

The pandemic has only made this harder. As seniors are urged to stay at home, they are facing limited interactions with friends or family – if they have any at all. The University of Michigan poll found that a staggering 56% of elderly people reported feeling isolated in June of 2020. In a December 2020 survey by A Place For Mom, “62% of adult children caring for their parents or elderly relatives say their loved one has suffered physically or mentally from isolation during the pandemic.” Clearly, the pandemic has paved the way for an epidemic of loneliness.

There are certain demographics of seniors that are more likely to experience loneliness. The CDC explains that LGBT people, immigrants, minorities, and victims of elder abuse are especially vulnerable. For immigrants, language barriers, cultural differences, and family members who live internationally, all contribute to loneliness. For LGBT and minorities, discrimination can mean added challenges to finding care.

Women are another demographic that face loneliness in higher numbers. Often, women live longer than their husbands and have a smaller income. The median income of women over the age of 65 is $18,380. For men, that number is closer to $32,000. This means that many women lack the necessary funding to hire caregivers or move into an assisted living facility.   

Finally, caregivers, too, are a population that suffers from loneliness. Family caregivers, especially, struggle to get used to their new routine – and might spend less time with friends or family because they don’t want to leave their loved one. During the pandemic, they might not even have a choice. Tamara Lynn Meadows, the divisional director of clinical operations in Oklahoma at Stonegate Living, explained that many caregivers turn to respite care when they need a break. She said in an interview that, “we get calls all the time from families and even hospices or home health care agencies looking for a place of respite for the senior in their care. They’re either worn out or in need of a vacation.”

So, why does loneliness matter so much? Well, loneliness can actually have devastating effects on health. Lonely seniors have a higher chance of experiencing high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, depression, cognitive disorders, and Alzheimer’s disease. AARP senior vice president Alison Bryant warned that “social isolation and loneliness are as bad for our health as obesity and smoking.”

Steve Cole, PhD, is the director of the Social Genomics Core Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles. He explained to the National Institute of Aging the reason that isolation can impact physical health. “Loneliness acts as a fertilizer for other diseases. The biology of loneliness can accelerate the buildup of plaque in arteries, help cancer cells grow and spread, and promote inflammation in the brain leading to Alzheimer’s disease.

Loneliness promotes several different types of wear and tear on the body.” At the same time, lonely people have a higher chance of having weakened immune cells that are not equipped to fight off viruses. Perhaps most disturbingly, seniors who are lonely are at a much higher risk of morality.

Loneliness has other effects on physical health, too. People who are lonely are more likely to feel depressed – and therefore take up unhealthy habits like drinking, smoking, or stress eating. This can lead to obesity, lung diseases, and alcoholism.

At the same time, those who experience regular socialization, tend to have a better bill of health. Not only are these folks not being biologically impacted by isolation, but they also have healthier habits – such as keeping up with a balanced diet and exercise.

Clearly, loneliness is a great risk to our loved ones – for more reasons than one. So, we want to make sure that we can identify the triggers of loneliness and intervene, before it’s too late.

If your loved one is living alone and rarely socializes, they are likely suffering from over-isolation. This is perhaps one of the easier triggers to identify, because we know if our loved one is living alone.

It’s important to look for less obvious triggers as well, though. These might include the recent loss of a spouse or even a friend. Losing a loved one is devastating for anyone – but for seniors, it can feel like the world is colliding in. That’s because their friends and spouses might be the only people they have who can truly relate to what they are going through as they age.

At the same time, if an older adult loses a spouse, they are likely going from a life spent with another person, to a living alone for the very first time. That’s a shocking feeling that some people never truly get used to. Grief can lead to depression – so if your loved one is going through a loss, make sure that you are able to visit with them or take other steps to combat their isolation.

A decline in health might also lead a family member to feeling isolated – even if they live with other people. When a person struggles with memory, or is diagnosed with a new disease, they are likely to feel scared and alone. Just like grief, health issues mean a major life transition – and everything seems harder to do.

If you believe your loved one might be experiencing a trigger to loneliness, don’t be afraid to speak with them directly about it. When you open up a space for them to talk safely about their feelings, you can come up with a solution together. And, by talking, you are reminding your loved one that they still have a person who loves them on their side.

While combatting loneliness during a pandemic might feel impossible, there is hope. There are many ways that an adult child can help their parent to be socialized. You don’t want to wait to begin helping your parent get back out there. After all, the longer a person is lonely, the harder it might be to get them back on track again.

If you can’t be with your parent on a regular basis, encourage him or her to take walks and get some fresh air. No, this might not lead directly to socialization, but exercise will help them to fight depression. Not to mention, even something as simple as waving hello to a neighbor can help fight loneliness. Outside on a walk, seniors have a good chance of running into community members and engaging in social-distant conversation. Even the simplest connections can work wonders.

Never be afraid to reach out. Under normal circumstances, planning visits as often as possible is a great way to help your parent or grandparent get socialization. Bringing their grandchildren along can especially brighten the mood. Try to have some fun activities planned for the visit – like taking a nature walk, painting, or having a movie night. Even if you aren’t sure how to spend the time, though, just being together is enough. You can visit with your loved ones even during the pandemic – but you must quarantine for a minimum of ten days before you do so.

Of course, quarantining isn’t always possible. If you’re an essential worker who has to leave the house, or you’re a parent with young kids to tend to, visiting your loved one simply might not be an option. In this case, be sure to take advantage of technology. Elderly people need more than one day a week of socialization, so Facetime as often as possible. Play board games over Zoom. Have movie watch nights on Netflix.

Of course, technology can’t compare to the real thing – but it can still make strides in helping your loved one’s empty house feel a little bit fuller. If you have children, you can arrange Zoom bedtime stories with their grandparents – in which your child reads to your grandparent, or your grandparent reads to your child. Don’t be afraid to get creative – and don’t assume that a lack of physical visitations means no visitations at all.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters as we welcome a very special guest, Jennifer Fink of the dementia and Alzheimer’s podcast show Fading Memories, you won’t want to miss it!

Sources:

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/the-impact-loneliness-and-isolation-has-on-senior-brains

https://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-2019/study-isolation-health-risks.html

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/senior-isolation-facts

https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-older-people-pose-health-risks

https://www.seniorlifestyle.com/resources/blog/what-is-senior-isolation/

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpub/article/PIIS2468-2667(20)30061-X/fulltext

https://stonegatesl.com/one-is-the-loneliest-number-combating-senior-isolation/

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/loneliness-in-the-elderly-151549.htm

https://www.commonwisecare.com/how-elder-care-can-help-combat-loneliness/

Episode 47 -

If you’ve ever cared for a loved one or have watched as a parent or grandparent slowly declined, then you know how important it is to make sure that they are being cared for with kindness, patience, and respect. These are difficult times for them and for the family. Maybe you’ve taken on the responsibility of their care, or you’ve started visiting with them every evening after work just to make sure that they’re taking their medications and eating dinner. The emotional and physical toll that comes with caring for a declining loved one can be heartbreaking and exhausting.

It’s hard watching as the person who use to be vibrant, strong, and active is now slowly becoming a shell of their former selves. It’s hard to fully prepare a family for what to expect when the time comes to care for their older loved ones.

If your family is like many facing this difficult situation, you’re probably still working, raising children, and in some cases, you may even have grandchildren. If that’s the case, you have officially entered the Sandwich Generation – and are struggling to maintain the balance between caring for your parents and your children.

The term Sandwich Generation was coined by social workers Dorothy Miller and Elaine Brody in 1981. It’s used to describe caregivers who became sandwiched between generations. Right now, 47% of adults in their 40s and 50s are supporting an aging parent in their 70s while also managing their kids. If you’re interested in learning more about the Sandwich Generation, head to the links in our show notes. There, you’ll find a link to an episode we did on the topic, as well as an article for further information.

Whether or not you’re struggling with this balance, you might find that you are unable to care for your loved one at all. Maybe you are still working and cannot afford to lose your job or to retire or maybe you live too far away. There are many factors that can prevent family from being able to provide the care and support that their loved one needs.

If you find yourself in this situation, it does not mean all hope is lost – you just might need to find outside help. But choosing a person or company to care for your loved one isn’t easy. How do you know that you are making the right choice? This is an important decision. After all, you don’t want to choose just anyone to care for your Mom or Dad – this is the person who will be with them when you can’t be. You have to find the right fit.

Many families struggle with this decision – but there are ways to make the planning a little bit easier. Begin by including your Mom or Dad in the conversation. This isn’t just an adjustment for the family, but for them too. They have most likely been independent their entire adult lives and now have to adjust to being cared for by a stranger.

Don’t be surprised if your parent is in denial about the help they need. There is a lot of pride and dignity with our older generations and sometimes they can have a hard time accepting help or acknowledging that they need any at all. Of course, sometimes a parent may surprise you and accepts their reality right away – you just might find that you don’t need to convince them at all. Still, if your parent is struggling to come to terms with what they are facing, there are plenty of ways to help them.

Sometimes families may find that there’s a sibling who may be better talking with their mom or dad about difficult subject matters.  That sibling may be the best person to start the conversation. They can help to prepare the parent, and also remind them that outside help is the only solution for the time being.

Now you can consider whether you’d like to hire someone privately or hire a professional home care company. Remember, there are risks with hiring someone privately – like liability insurance, workers comp, running criminal background checks, and the risk that they may need to call in sick from time to time. Make sure that you discuss these risks with your family and loved one. If you decide to hire someone privately you will want to ensure that all possible protections are in place. If you choose to hire a professional company, these protections and many other benefits are taken care of. In that case, the family can use their energy focusing on their loved one.

Whether you’ve decided to hire a private individual or a professional company you’ll want to sit down with your family and your loved one and identify your loved one’s needs. It’s important that you include your parent in these tough conversations. By giving them a voice, you’re showing them that their input and opinion matters - and that they haven’t lost all of their independence.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that the family doesn’t exclude their loved one from these discussions and decisions. Too often, families start the process and make many of these decisions without including their loved one in the process. Recently, we met with a family who was ready to get outside care started for their mother, who was in her 90’s. They had already made a great deal of decisions – without consulting her. In fact, they didn’t even warn her of her new lifestyle until the day before her care began. When the mother met her new aide the next morning, she confided to her that she felt her family had gone behind her back. She was hurt that they excluded her from such an important event in her own life.

In the case of this particular woman, she had lived independently from the time she was 17 years old. Even now, in her late 90s, she was as independent as ever, with no cognitive or mental difficulties. Physically, though, she was beginning to falter. She was beginning to suffer falls on a semi-regular basis. Her family was understandably concerned that she may become seriously hurt or fall when there was no one there to help her.

This is a delicate situation for families and one that they undoubtedly make out of love. And, from time to time, there will be instances when it may be better or even necessary to make a decision without the involvement of the loved one. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe they are dealing with cognitive issues like dementia and they cannot offer answers or input relating to their care. There are also times when a family’s loved one would really benefit from care, but they are determined not to get it, even after the family has sat down with them and were able to get them to agree – only to refuse the next day.

We have seen situations like this. A family recently met with one of our Case Managers and needed to have care for their mother. They had met with the Case Manager without their mother and informed them that their mother had experienced care previously for just two weeks. This usually means one or two things. First, the company sent someone inexperienced. Or, the client (in this case the mother) refused help.

In this situation it was because the mother did not want anyone helping her. The reason that we do an in-depth assessment and intake when initially meeting with families is so that we can learn as much about the person as possible. That way, we can ensure that they receive the best type of care for their needs – and connect them with a caregiver that would be a great fit. We never want to send “just anyone” to care for a person in need. The connection between the caregiver and the client they will be caring for is vital to the success of the care and the connection between them.

There is a lot that goes into ensuring there’s a good connection between the client and the caregiver. Afterall, this is one of the most important aspects of the care. This is the person they will be spending all of their time with – so they need to have shared interests and fit well together.

So, how do we find the right caregiver?

We begin by determining the type of care a person needs. This includes the amount of time that the help will be needed and the hands-on care that a client will need. If there are domestic needs around the home that are being neglected, we make sure that the caregiver is aware of them. Now, if you decide that a professional company is a better fit for your loved one, make sure to mention that to the case manager when you meet with them.

If the family decided to hire someone privately and will be posting the position publicly, they will want to make sure that they write a detailed description of the position. This is a good opportunity to share what your loved one needs - in terms of their care both personally and domestically. Since everyone’s needs are different, make sure to be as specific as possible. For example, if your loved one is diabetic, you will want to make sure you mention that, and make sure that the caregiver has experience working with diabetics. When creating the description, you will want to designate someone in the family to handle the interested candidates.

Make sure, for safety reasons, not to divulge any of your loved one’s personal information. This includes their name, phone number, or address. It’s ok to list the city so that anyone who is interested will know the area they live in. Next, decide where and how you will conduct the interviews. It is always a good idea to schedule the initial interview in a public place. With the current situation with COVID, you may need to make some adjustments.

Remember to take these interviews very seriously. This isn’t like working in retail or even in an office. These positions are very personal. There is a great deal of responsibility involved when another person relies on you. This could mean making sure that their medications are being taken on time and appropriately, attending their doctor appointments, helping with their daily nutrition, and so many other things that sometimes are just taken for granted when you do them naturally.

Take the time to get to know the person you are interviewing. If your loved one has a cat, make sure they aren’t allergic, and that they like cats. Are they social and talkative? If they are and your loved one loves to visit that could be a really nice connection between the two of them. What are their interests and hobbies? You know your loved one better than anyone, so you’ll be able to see how you think this person will connect with them.

When you think you have found the right caregiver, reach out and let them know that you think they would be a nice fit for your loved one. Then, ask them to provide you with 3-5 professional references. These should include people they have either cared for privately or companies that they have worked for. This will help you to know a little more about their character as well as their dependability. Remember, your loved one and family will be relying on this caregiver to be there for them.

If the caregiver agrees to move forward, you will need to create a work contract. You can create this at any time, even before you officially hire someone. We would recommend contacting your attorney or finding one to help create the contract for you so that you and your loved one are protected. They’ll provide the details that you will need and make sure that every detail is accounted for.

The contract will cover things like:

Pay rate and wages.

Hours they are being hired to work.

Social Security Number (for background and tax purposes)

The job description that they have agreed to fulfill.

Behaviors that are grounds for dismissal. This will include things like tardiness, calling off, smoking, drugs, abusive language or behavior, etc.)

Termination. This would include (how much notice is needed, reasons for termination without notice, etc.)

Then you or maybe another sibling helping with this portion of the process and the candidate would sign and date the contract.

When hiring someone privately, have your attorney advise you on what you will be responsible for, so you can make sure your family and loved one are protected in the event of an accident or injury. They can advise you on workers comp, taxes, liability insurance, and bonding of the caregiver.

The next step that you will need to do is the background, motor vehicle report, and drug screening. There is never a reason to skip this step or take the word of the candidate that they have a good driving record and clean background. Some candidates may even arrive with a recent background that they just completed. Always be sure to do your own.

After the background screenings, it’s time for the caregiver to meet with your loved one. This will be a great opportunity to give the caregiver a tour of your loved one’s home and show them where medications, cleaning supplies, and other day-to-day items are kept.

When the caregiver finally begins caring for your loved one, there will be an adjustment period for everyone – including the caregiver. They may have years of experience, but they don’t have any experience with your loved one.

If you’re able to be present on their first day, stop by for a little while to see how they are doing. Still, don’t stay too long because it can sometimes be easy for a loved one to think you can stay longer and come by more often and then they won’t need a caregiver. This typically happens with the loved one is already against having help. If everything goes well after the first week or so – and your loved one is happy and enjoying their new friend -  it will hopefully bring you peace of mind.

The last step you may want to consider is to start thinking about a back-up plan for those unexpected and expected times your caregiver may not be able to work. There may be times they are sick, have a funeral, have car issues, or be on vacation. Finding someone that you either know or that replied to your job description will hopefully be a little easier than when you first went through it before. Eventually, you will want this person to shadow your regular caregiver once or twice. That way, when they do need to be there, they won’t be completely unfamiliar with your loved one and their routine.

We hope that you find the right caregiver for your loved one and that it helps them to continue living healthily, safely, and with dignity. Having the right caregiver makes all the difference.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we will be discussing an issue that many seniors face and especially now during the pandemic the issue has become even worse and that’s Combating Isolation.

Sources:

https://www.nwpc.com/health-care-and-the-sandwich-generation-infographic/

https://www.tn-elderlaw.com/free-resources/resources/ten-tips-for-choosing-a-caregiver-for-an-elder

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/all-home-care-matters/id1513502341?i=1000486838856

https://www.allhomecarematters.com

Episode 46 – Anticipatory Grief and The Decline Of A Loved One

Even as adults, we tend to view our parents and grandparents as invincible. They have always been the strong ones; the ones to lift us up when we fall, to comfort us when we are feeling down, to remind us that we are loved on the days we feel alone. It can be a shock to the system when suddenly, the roles are reversed, and it’s our turn to care for them. On some level, we knew that this stage of life was coming, but we still can’t be prepared to face it until we just don’t have a choice.

Watching a loved one decline is far from an easy process – in fact, it can be utterly heart wrenching. While we want our loved one’s inevitable aging to happen gradually, the truth is that oftentimes, the shift from independent to dependent happens quite suddenly. You might be left feeling unprepared and overwhelmed as you begin your new role as a caretaker. You might also experience what is known as anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief takes place before a loved one’s death. It can begin as soon as you notice signs of decline. If your father is starting to lose his keys on a regular basis or your mother can no longer get out of a chair without assistance. If you have noticed that in these moments, you feel a sudden pang of sadness, frustration, or even resentment, that’s anticipatory grief sinking in.

Remember when you notice these feelings, that they are completely normal and even expected as you face this difficult time. Many people feel guilty when they are grieving before a loss – like they are giving up hope for their loved one. This is not the case. As long as you are there for your loved one - encouraging them and showing them your love and support – you are not giving up on them.

Even if you know that your loved one is not going to make it, anticipatory grief still doesn’t equate to giving up. It is merely a way for your brain to comprehend the terrible reality you are facing – so you can help yourself get through it. Never feel guilty for grieving. Grief, after all, shows just how powerful your love is. 

Anticipatory grief can hit a lot faster if your loved one was recently diagnosed with an illness. You might find that you are facing one of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance - as soon as you find out. The five stages of grief are not reserved for those grieving a permanent loss and they do not occur in any particular order. Most people facing grief will switch between the stages frequently. If they are experiencing anticipatory grief, they might feel angry more often or have a hard time controlling their emotions at all.   

Anticipatory grief isn’t just grief for a loss to come. It’s also grief for the changes you are noticing in your loved one. These changes can feel enormous and confusing, so be gentle with yourself as you learn to accept them. You might find, too, that you’re especially taken by the small changes. You might have memories of the sound your mother’s feet made as they paraded down the stairs in the morning. When you listen to the wheels of her chair turn instead, or the slow and quiet thumps of her struggling feet, you might find yourself suddenly awash in sadness.

You also might find yourself getting impatient with your loved ones. You are not used to your father taking so long to eat his breakfast or your mother having to put so much focus into remembering something. It can feel frustrating, irritating, and even maddening as you watch them struggle with everyday tasks. These feelings are completely normal. They are instinctual reactions that occur as a defense mechanism against sadness.

On a subconscious level, your mind does not want to accept that anything is wrong, so you fight against the warning signs. You’re angry because if you are sad, you are admitting that there is a problem. That your father isn’t just eating slowly because he wants to, he’s eating slowly because that’s all he can do these days.

Try to remind yourself in these moments that it is just as frustrating for your parent as it is for you. In fact, it’s probably a lot more frustrating. Your parent does not want to lose their independence, does not want to admit that they are struggling either. So, when you feel angry, try to remember why you are angry. Getting to the root of those feelings will help you to maintain control of them, so you don’t take them out on Mom and Dad. It’s more important than ever to be patient and gentle.

Remember, too, that it’s okay to feel angry. Even though you don’t want to take that out on your parents, still allow yourself to face those feelings when they are not present. Vent to a spouse or a friend. Scream into a pillow. The best way to get through these feelings is to face them. Give yourself permission to do so, no matter how ugly the feelings might seem.

One way to help yourself process these difficult emotions is to acknowledge the losses you are facing. This is another instance where you are getting to the root of the pain, so you can be prepared to overcome it. You might feel like it’s wrong to feel so sad while your mother or father is still here but acknowledging the gravity of what you are facing is validating and strengthening. By acknowledging your losses, you are giving yourself permission to feel. And when you are letting yourself feel what you need to, you are helping yourself get through.

It is also common during this time to feel like you’re in a constant state of panic. You might jolt every time the phone rings, have trouble sleeping normally, or struggle to concentrate at work. This can be mentally and physically exhausting – and when we put exhaustion on top of the stack of other emotions we are dealing with, we will find that we have little control over our emotions.

It’s important to take time for yourself during this period. Feelings of panic are inevitable, but when you find that they are controlling your life, it’s time to take a step back and focus on tending to yourself. Take fifteen minutes each day to do something distracting for yourself: walking, drawing, reading, anything that you love that will calm your mind. Focus on your breathing. Hydrate.

These tips might seem like a waste of time, especially given the gravity of what you are facing, but they can actually make an enormous difference. Breathing exercises can slow your speedy heartrate down when you’re feeling panicked. Taking time for yourself each day can help you feel re-energized and relaxed. The more you care for yourself, the more you can care for your loved one.

On that note, you are also doing yourself a great service if you reach out for support during this time. Find someone who you can talk to, who will provide a safe space for you to talk through your feelings. By sharing your feelings out loud, you are actually helping your brain to start to process them in a healthy and healing way. Your support system might also be able to offer insight and advice that can help you get through this tough period.  

Try not to neglect the other important things in your life. Your loved ones decline is a priority, of course, but if you center your entire life around it – you are depriving yourself of finding any type of relief. Remember, feeling a sense of calm or peace is not a bad thing. It’s not something to feel guilty about. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

Anticipatory grief does provide an opportunity to plan for the remaining time. If you are anticipating that there may not be a lot of time left, you and your loved one can decide the most meaningful ways to spend it together. This can provide an opportunity for enormous comfort – even through the pain. Fill that time with as much love as you can muster up, so that you can cherish those moments forever. You can celebrate your loved one’s life with her, by sharing stories, looking through photographs, and remembering together.

If your parent is up for it, ask her questions about her life. If you would rather not face the past, you can also enjoy the present. Have movie nights, play board games, read books together. Any time together will be cherished, regardless of how you spend it.

When the day comes where you finally have to say goodbye, give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to. Anger, sadness, depression. Even relief. Taking care of a declining loved one can be exhausting and heartbreaking. When you find that you are no longer living in a prolonged state of worry and fear, you might feel like a weight was lifted from your shoulders. That is okay. That does not mean you don’t love and miss your parent – it’s a normal reaction to letting go of a particularly difficult period in your life.

 If you find that you are not experiencing anger, sadness, or panic when your loved one is declining, don’t feel guilty. Remember, this process looks differently for everyone. For many people, it’s gradual and expected and it’s not as difficult to accept the reality of the situation. It’s okay if what you feel is acceptance.

The most important thing to remember as you navigate this new and difficult journey, is to give yourself permission to feel. Find a safe space to confront your emotions. Continue to shed your parent or grandparent with love. Be gentle and patient with yourself. This is not an easy time – so give yourself the freedom to feel, if nothing else. And at the end of the day, keep in mind that all this grief that you are feeling is rooted in your love. 

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters when we discuss finding the right caregiver.

Sources:

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/dementia-caregivers-help-overcome-grief

https://www.verywellhealth.com/understanding-anticipatory-grief-and-symptoms-2248855

https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/

https://safepassageurns.com/blogs/blog/dont-deal-with-the-declining-health-of-a-family-member-by-yourself

https://www.neptunesociety.com/resources/preparing-for-the-death-of-a-terminally-ill-loved-one

https://abc11.com/2953331/

https://khn.org/news/the-long-goodbye-coping-with-sadness-and-grief-before-a-loved-one-dies/

Episode 45 – Transition from Driver to Non-Driver

As our loved ones grow older, there are many difficult decisions that we might have to discuss with them. When we notice their physical or mental health begin to decline, it is important that we make sure their new limitations are not putting them in danger.

Whether your mom is having trouble using the stairs or your dad is struggling to remember to turn the oven off, there are many new obstacles to look out for. One of these obstacles is driving – and making the transition from driver to non-driver can feel like a big blow to mom and dad – so it’s essential that you’re well prepared for the conversation. That means knowing the warning signs, understanding the emotional impact this decision will make, and having a transportation plan in place.

Many people are hesitant to begin this difficult conversation with their parents or grandparents. Without the ability to drive, our parents are stripped of a great deal of their freedom. No one wants to rely on someone else every time they need to run an errand or visit a friend. It’s easy to feel trapped at home with no access to a vehicle, especially for a person who is struggling with mobility – when walking might not be an option. Even so, it’s essential to take the steps to begin the transition.

It’s just too risky. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 712 older adult drivers are injured in car accidents every day. Of those, 19 older adults are killed. Further, according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, people aged 70 or older have an increased chance of fatal car accidents – largely because their bodies are frail and are no longer prepared to protect them from major injury.

Now, we’re not saying that your Mom or Dad need to stop driving when they turn 70. If they are in great health and there are no warning signs to indicate that it’s time to turn in the keys, then you do not need to rush to make this decision. However, if your parent is showing the warning signs, you’ll want to begin the transition right away.

There are many red flags to look out for when it comes to your parents’ driving. If possible, join them for car rides so you can be aware of how they are doing behind the wheel. If you do not live nearby, have a trusted friend or family member drive around with them and report back to you.

Possible warning signs include failing to stop at red lights or stop signs, failing to slow down at yellow lights, failing to yield the right of way, failing to turn on turn signals, an inability to stay in the right lane, driving above or below the speed limit, and getting lost – especially on familiar routes.

It’s time to act when you notice more than one of these signs or notice that one sign is happening on a semi-frequent or frequent basis. Remember – everyone makes mistakes, so don’t jump to taking the keys if there’s one missed turn signal. But if your parent is getting lost or running reds, it’s essential to their safety and the safety of other drivers to get them off the road. 

If you’re not able to drive with your loved one and don’t have a friend available to do so, there are other ways to check in on their driving ability. In a gentle, non-confrontational way, you can ask your parent if they have obtained any traffic tickets recently. You can also ask if their car insurance has gone up – which may indicate that they’ve been pulled over. If you don’t think they will share this information with you, check their car for any signs of damage when Mom or Dad are not around – are their dents or scratches that might indicate a recent fender bender?

Check in with friends and family, too. If you find out that your Mom or Dad has been staying home more often than usual, or that they are coming up with excuses not to get behind the wheel, this could indicate that they know there’s a problem. If this is the case with your parent, it will likely be easier to begin the transition, as they are already beginning to accept the truth of the matter themselves.

Finally, if your parent or grandparent has been diagnosed with any age-related conditions, such as arthritis, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, or hearing or sight loss – it’s a wise move to stop them from driving. The same is true if your parent has recently suffered a stroke or seizure or if they are on new medications that have dizzying or drowsy side effects.

If you notice any or all of these warning signs, it’s time to begin the conversation. Remember, this conversation can be an especially difficult one, so you want to go about it in a kind, gentle, and patient manner. Many older adults do not want to accept when it’s time to let go of the keys. Not only will they be losing a significant amount of their freedom, but they will also have to face the hard truth that they are not as spry and capable as they once were.

When you begin the conversation, try your best not to sound accusatory or impatient. You want your loved one to know that you support them and you are on their side – that you will help them to make this transition as easy as possible. If they feel that you are lecturing them or belittling them, they are less likely to listen to what you have to say.

An excellent way to begin the conversation is with a question. Ask your loved one how they feel they are doing behind the wheel. Then, have them tell you their own anxieties and concerns when it comes to being on the road. If you are noticing that your parent has been struggling behind the wheel, they most likely have to – and could use someone to vent to about it. Allowing them to navigate this conversation in a safe, supportive setting can also guide them into making the decision to stop driving themselves.

Acknowledge your loved one’s fears. If your mom or dad is worried about how they will get to their appointments and activities, validate this feeling. Rather than offering a solution right away, listen to their fears and appreciate them. Say things like, “I know you are worried that giving up driving might mean losing some of the things you love.” Then, after you’ve acknowledged this, gently come up with a solution together – that you both feel great about. Whether that’s setting up a carpool or creating a public transportation plan, make sure it’s a solution that your mom or dad can come to terms with.

Be willing to have a long conversation. It’s common for the driving discussion to turn into a time of reminiscing – about previous road trips, the day your parent got his first car, or even seemingly unrelated memories. Try not to interrupt your parent or get them back on track – remembering is an important part of the grieving process and losing the ability to drive is a loss that your parent must grieve. You will likely find that after a sentimental trip down memory lane, your parent might even be more willing to let go and move on.

Finally, you can always have your parents’ doctor break the news when it’s time to stop driving. Your parent is likely to listen to a medical professional, especially if there is a health reason to stop driving like Parkinson’s disease or another ailment. The doctor will be able to explain the situation in a polite, formal matter that will be difficult to argue with.

If all else fails, you can write a letter to the DMV explaining your parents’ situation. The hard truth is this isn’t a debate you want to lose. If you’ve noticed the warning signs, then it’s simply too dangerous for them to be on the road anymore. Contacting the DMV without consulting your parent first, however, should be a last resort.

The good news is that, except in extreme circumstances, your loved one will not have to stop driving all at once.

Create a plan with your mom or dad in which they are driving only under safer conditions. Usually, this means only driving during the day – not during heavy traffic hours – and only in familiar areas. It may be necessary to reschedule appointments and events to match this new driving schedule – if your parent or grandparent is especially active at night, encourage them to move some of their activities to the daytime.

Gradually, your parent will transition away from driving altogether. When this happens, make sure you know their schedule and have a ride available for them – whether it’s public transportation or carpool. It will be a hard adjustment, but it will be a big relief to know that your loved one is safe. If you are able to help them make a slow transition from driving to not driving, this will make the process even easier.

It’s not easy for our loved ones to accept when it’s time to stop driving – but we know that sometimes it’s the only choice. Remember to be patient, gentle, and have a plan in place.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters when we will be talking about a difficult topic that many families deal with and that is the Decline of a Loved One.

Sources:

https://www.whereyoulivematters.org/how-to-know-when-your-parents-should-stop-driving/

https://dailycaring.com/7-warning-signs-how-to-know-when-your-parents-should-stop-driving/

https://thedoctorweighsin.com/senior-parent-stop-driving/

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/elderly-parent-driving

https://www.caring.com/caregivers/senior-driving/

https://www.presbyterianseniorliving.org/blog/how-to-tell-mom-its-time-to-stop-driving

https://www.aarp.org/auto/driver-safety/info-2016/when-to-stop-driving-in-older-age.html

https://www.seniorsmatter.com/when-elderly-parents-should-stop-driving-11-warning-signs/2491829

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1447231/

Episode 44 - 

Watching our loved one’s age is never easy. We want them to remain strong, capable, and independent – and they want the same for themselves. They might feel frustrated when they can no longer move around the way they used to – when stairs are more strenuous to climb, meals are harder to cook, hygiene is more difficult to keep up with.

We can’t always be there to help – we might not live in the area or just simply don’t have the ability. Not to mention, our parents and grandparents yearn for independence and could be resisting any help offered. But maybe the best way to be independent, is to get a little bit of help. Yes, that might sound like an oxymoron, but the reality is this: if a person has help with everyday tasks, they have more time to focus on things that matter to them – and they’re safer.

 It’s important to remember that aging is a natural and inevitable process, and that as we watch our parents or grandparents get older, we need to embrace a new way of life that allows them to thrive – even if they need a bit more help than they used to. At some point, that might mean helping them transition from independent living to assisted living or a nursing home. It’s not always obvious when it’s time to make that transition – and in some cases it might seem like an extreme choice to your parents, even if you know that it’s time.

 Ultimately, though, assisted living or other types of elderly housing will help your parents to feel safer, more comfortable, and hopefully even happier – as they can shift their attention to doing things they love again (just with a little help).

 In assisted living facilities, our parents or grandparents can have access to the help they need. Whether they are still relatively independent, and just need some help with mobility, or if they need help with tasks like bathing and eating – they will find that an assisted living facility is there for them, so they no longer have to face these difficulties alone.

 Assisted living also offers a new community to our parents or grandparents – a place where they can meet and make friends with people who are going through what they are. According to the US Census, 11 million seniors live in isolation – which could be affecting their health. Socialization can prevent depression, provide stimulation, strengthen memory, and even help them live longer.

According to Lisa Berkman, who led a study by the Harvard School of Public Health on socialization and aging, “people with many social ties have lower mortality rates. We now have mounting evidence that strong social networks can help to prevent declines in memory. As our society ages and has more and more older people, it will be important to promote their engagement in social and community life to maintain their well-being.” Additionally, Berkman’s study found that isolation can weaken immune systems and make a person more susceptible to disease.

 Some assisted living facilities feel almost like college campuses – groups of friends gathered together in a common area or a library, a painting room or a café, or in an apartment for drinks and laughter – these are communities of people who want to stay engaged and social. When a person moves into assisted living, they are inserting themselves into a network of people that they can connect to. This is something that is much harder to accomplish when living independently.

 Assisted living could be just what your parent or grandparent needs to thrive again – but it can be difficult to know when it’s time to make that transition or even have the conversation. If our parents are still relatively independent, but just need some extra help, they might be resistant to accepting it. We also might miss some subtle signs that it’s time to make the move.

 There are some more obvious signs that independent living is no longer working. These tend to fall into a category known as ADL – or activities of daily living. If our loved ones can no longer take the stairs, have trouble transitioning in and out of bed, or need help with eating or using the restroom, assisted living or other type of long-term care facility is necessary. The same is true if they have recently suffered a bad fall or been diagnosed with a debilitating disease like Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s. There are other signs, too, though that we can look out for – red flags that might not seem as immediate but should absolutely be considered.

 If our loved one is struggling with IADLs – or instrumental activities of daily living – we might also consider helping them make the transition into an assisted living home. IADLs include tasks such as cleaning, cooking, paying bills, mowing the lawn, and socializing. A home is a lot to keep up with – and as our parents age these tasks can be downright debilitating and extremely stressful to accomplish. If you notice that your parent or grandparent is struggling with these activities – or if you sense that the home is just too much to keep up with - it might be time to have the conversation. If our parent no longer has to spend time struggling to clean the house, they can focus on doing things they love – and feel more independent again.

 Another sign that it’s time to make the move, is if your parent or grandparent is struggling with basic hygiene. If you notice that they are no longer taking care of themselves – whether they are not doing laundry or bathing, not brushing their hair or getting dressed – this could be a sign of something more serious, like depression. An assisted living facility can help them to feel good again. Keeping up with hygiene is essential to being in good spirits – because our parents will feel and look like themselves again.

 Another sign to look out for is our parent’s pets. Are they receiving proper care? If the pets are no longer being nurtured, tended to, or fed, this is a sign that our parents are struggling and could use an extra hand. Many assisted living facilities allow pets, so this may be the best route to take if you notice an animal is being neglected. It will also be a weight off of your parent’s shoulders, while allowing them to keep their pet (which can provide an enormous comfort to them) without having to worry about tending to it.

 If you notice that your parents or grandparents are struggling with any of the signs mentioned, it might be time to have the difficult conversation about making the transition. You might find that your loved one feels as ready as you do – they are getting frustrated with the difficulties of daily tasks and are looking forward to some extra help and socialization. If this is the case, that is excellent, and you should move forward with a great deal of support and encouragement – offering to do whatever you can to help with the move. 

 Often times, though, your loved ones might be resistant to the change – especially if they are not struggling with obvious daily tasks. They might feel that moving into assisted living is stripping them of any shred of independence they had left. It’s important to remember that moving into assisted living can actually help them to gain some independence back. According to healthcare writer Lori Johnston, “the truth is that, while moving is a big adjustment, assisted living can help extend a senior’s independence, improve their social life and provide assistance with activities of daily living.”

 When we first bring up this topic with our parents, it’s important to be patient, gentle, and well informed. Make sure to express that this is not a move to take anything away from them, but rather to enrich their lives and help them thrive again. Phrasing is everything. Remember, we want our parents to feel good about this decision and not forced into it. If we use words such as “community living” instead of “assisted living” this might make a world of difference – because our parents won’t feel like they are losing something.

 Don’t be afraid to ask your parents questions. Ask them what they will miss about home and see what you can do to bring that part of home to them. If they are afraid of losing a pet, remind them that there are facilities that allow pets. Let them bring their own furniture, paintings, house plants. Remind them that this does not mean they need to lose their sense of home.

 Another key element of this conversation is to make sure that the decision is ultimately their own. This can be difficult – when we know our parents need help, we want to make sure they get it. Our job is to inform them of their options, including independent living, and what that might mean for their future. If they understand the pros and cons to different types of living, they can make a decision that is best to them.

 If your parents are less likely to listen to a family member, have a doctor help with the conversation. Many seniors are more likely to take a medical professional seriously – and if they were on the fence, this might just be the extra push they need to make that final move. The fact is, adults value their independence – and if a doctor can convince them that their independence is actually less likely if they remain at home, that could make all the difference.

 After you and your parents have discussed the move, it’s time to make the transition. There are certain things you can do to make this journey as easy and meaningful as possible – instead of heartbreaking or frustrating. The fact is, moving into an assisted living facility can be something to look forward to – not only will your parent be regaining some of their independence, but they will get to meet new people, try new things, and decorate a new place.

 You can begin by taking your parent or grandparent on a tour of different facilities – so that they can choose where they will be living. Tours are great for getting your parents excited for this new life stage. They can see other seniors enjoying activities and socializing, and they can start to make plans for how they wish to decorate their new apartment. This will also help them continue to be a leader in their own life – as where they live will ultimately be up to them.

 Once a facility is chosen, it’s time to start the move. Begin by creating a moving schedule. With the move-in date in mind, strategize about how long it will take you to get everything in order for the move – including packing and having time to settle in. You can also be purposeful when you choose a move-in date. Some days of the week may be less busy – and less expensive – than more popular days, like Saturdays or Sundays.

 Once you have a date, it’s time to start packing. Have your loved one choose the most cherished possessions they’d like to bring along with them. Go from room to room and pick out a few precious items – being realistic about what might fit in the new space. Assisted living facilities will provide measurements and blueprints of the apartment, so you can easily plan what you need and have space for.

 Once the logistics are in order, make sure to make time for an emotional transition. Be patient and kind as your loved one makes this move – it’s a lot to take in and saying goodbye to their beloved home is never easy. Allow them space to feel whatever they need to – and make sure they know you are there to support them. To show that you care, you might take the time to make a sentimental gift for them – frame a picture of the home for them to hang in their new apartment, or save a small symbol of the house – like a brick – that they can hold onto, a piece of home to keep with them forever. A simple gesture like that can help our parents to feel loved, safe, and even gain a bit of closure as they move into this next stage of life.

 During the first few weeks, make sure you help them transition. Introduce them to their new neighbors, meet their caregivers, and choose some activities for them to sign up for. The best way to make this transition as easy as possible, is to get their social life going right away – that way they have something to look forward to and people they want to spend time with. The more engaged they are with their new opportunities, the happier they will feel.

 Make sure that you stay close with your parents and grandparents even after those first few weeks. Keep up with visits and phone calls. Many seniors worry that they will be forgotten about when their children no longer need to care for them each day – remind them that they are loved, they are treasured, and that nothing could keep you away.

 Watching your loved one age is never easy – but there are certain steps you can take to keep their lives feeling full and happy. Moving into an assisted living facility is a big one. Of course, it’s not an easy transition, but hopefully, once the move is made – you will find that your parent or grandparent is thriving once again.

 We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we ask the question – When is it time to stop driving?

Sources:

https://www.consumeraffairs.com/health/time-for-assisted-living.html

https://health.usnews.com/best-assisted-living/articles/when-to-move-from-independent-living-to-assisted-living

https://aging.com/knowing-when-it-may-be-time-for-assisted-living/

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/signs-its-time-for-assisted-living

https://www.aplaceformom.com/planning-and-advice/articles/parents-senior-living-guilt

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-talk-to-parents-about-assisted-living-153013.htm

https://seniorpath.com/talking-to-your-parents-about-assisted-living/

https://summit-hills.com/blog/15-tips-for-transitioning-to-assisted-living/

https://health.usnews.com/best-assisted-living/articles/how-can-i-make-the-transition-to-an-assisted-living-facility-easier

https://www.glynndevins.com/blog/2011/12/10-powerful-senior-living-statistics/

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/

Episode 43 – When You and Your Siblings Don't Agree

Hello, and welcome back to All Home Care Matters. If this is your first time visiting us here at the show…. Thank you for taking time out to be with us today. We appreciate how valuable everyone’s time is and that is why we try and make each episode here at All Home Care Matters something that will hopefully matter to you….

For those of us that have siblings we grew up playing together, celebrating holidays, and birthdays. They became our first best friend, and we have many wonderful memories with them through our childhood. But as we began to get older those moments slowly became less frequent as we began our lives as adults. It typically starts when one goes off to college and then graduating and starting their new careers - sometimes requiring them to relocate - and then eventually getting married and starting their own families.

If you're fortunate when the time comes that your parents begin needing more assistance you and your siblings will work together to find the best solution for your parent’s needs. However, the reality is that not all families have that benefit and for many families there are divisions and other factors that divide siblings rather than unite them.

There can be any number of reasons for the division. Maybe the siblings were never close growing up or one of the siblings feel that their opinion or input is never sought or considered and in some cases one sibling may have been chosen as the power of attorney over their other siblings causing resentment and hurt.

If you're like most families, there is probably somewhere in the middle of these extremes that you and your siblings find yourselves.

If caring for your parents is causing further division, we want to help provide some tips for ways that you can recognize the issues and deal with them so that you can find ways to get your siblings help and support.

There are usually several factors that can cause these issues to begin or reignite - things like resentment, sharing responsibilities, the type of care that is chosen, financial disagreements, inheritance issues, and decisions on end of life care.

There is no silver bullet for families when it comes to these very personal and intimate decisions. There are often times already an established history that needs to be overcome and for the benefit of everyone in the family they need to be put aside. But sometimes that it a lot easier said than done. We are going to go through and offer tips that we hope can help families and siblings work together to help care for their parents.

Typically, in our experience the most common reason for siblings arguing is time. There is usually one sibling that has more flexibility and time to help with their parents care and needs. This doesn't mean that the other siblings don't care or don’t want to help too. It usually means that the other siblings have less time and flexibility to help, even though they would if they could.  This can lead to resentment really quickly if the sibling helping with all of the care starts to feel taken advantage of or doesn't feel appreciated. This can lead to arguments and even eventually lead them to feeling entitled to financial incentives since they are the ones doing everything.

However, that same sibling who seems to have more availability and flexibility may not be the one who volunteers themselves to help care for their parents. There could be a number of reasons for that. They may not feel comfortable or qualified to be their parent’s caregiver, or they may not feel comfortable helping to provide their parent’s personal care and resent their siblings volunteering them for the job. This can cause them to avoid their siblings and even their parents so that they don't feel trapped into the role.

So, what's the solution? It can be very hard to divide the responsibilities and as a parent continues to decline it can mean you'll being taking on roles that you never intended to. Trying to delegate and share roles and responsibilities where all siblings feel as though everyone is doing their equal share is a tremendous task. The best solution and simplest is communication.

Ideally, before your parents need care and the family find themselves in the dilemma of who's going to do what gather the family together and discuss roles that each of the siblings will be responsible for. This can help avoid making decisions under the pressure of urgency when the time comes. If you’re currently caring for your parents now and everyone has their roles, ask if someone’s role isn't working for them or if any of them don't feel comfortable in their role it’s a good time to setup a family meeting and talk over the roles everyone has and see how you can find a role better suited for each of you.

Having a care team can help reduce the stresses and dilemmas that often accompany families and siblings when their parents need care. The benefit of having a care team approach is that it allows everyone to know what their role is and assigning them towards the strength of each sibling. The way it would work would be that one sibling would be the contact person so that appointments, prescriptions, and other communication will go through them and then they can pass it along to the rest of the siblings. This also helps to minimize multiple siblings and often times even the parents getting phone calls from different places and then ultimately getting lost in communication. This will keep appointments and any other communication consolidated to one person. Another sibling can be the point person for when there are difficult discussions or more challenging moments with the parents.

There are many roles and responsibilities that each family will find that they need for their care team in their specific situation. We have seen roles rotate, where one month this sibling will be the contact person and then next month, they will be the caregiver every Sunday and then rotate their role again. There is no right or wrong way to delegate and schedule the roles that the siblings decide is best for them.

Remember this though, every sibling will have their strengths and things that they are good at and that they feel comfortable with and they will have weaknesses and things that make them uncomfortable. Sometimes the perception of a sibling when they don’t volunteer or want to do something isn’t because they don’t care it may be because they aren’t comfortable with doing it. For instance, maybe one of your siblings has the job to take your parents to their doctor appointments and they find that it is too difficult for them, but they are good at calming your parents and helping them understand their care and medical condition. They may be better suited in other ways that can be equally as helpful and important.

Everyone can play a supportive and equally important role that you can work together to find and doing this will ultimately lead to better communication and morale for each of the siblings and the parents too.

However, if you have a sibling that doesn’t seem to want to help and you’ve tried speaking with them and explaining what you were hoping to have them help with you may have to accept that they are not going to help. Respect their decision and focus on the areas and things you are able to change. That sounds a whole lot easier said than done and we understand that. Just remember that you’re doing the right thing and they may regret the memories and moments that they won’t be sharing with your parents and you’ll have those memories to cherish and know that you treated your parents with love and dignity.

When dealing with sibling issues and at times disfunction it can be encouraging to hope that you’ll be able to talk with them and mend any past issues or hurt and they’ll help support the care and needs that their parents have. However, don’t allow yourself to have false expectations that lead to disappointment and further hurt and division. They could surprise you and you both offer forgiveness and agree to put those issues aside for the care of your parents. Just remember, it’s not fair to put the parents in the middle and expect them to interject and play peacekeeper when they are dealing with their health issues and well-being.

If you find that you need more help than you can give or that your siblings are able to contribute families often times hire professional care and services to help fill the void that they are unable to fill. This will involve financial discussions and decisions to be made and often times financial discussions can lead to siblings arguing over how, when, what, and where the money should be spent. This is another example of why communication and planning can play a critical role and another good reason to have discussions about the wishes of the parents prior to needing the care.

If a discussion about care options and long-term care planning takes place prior to when the care is needed often times the parents can contribute to how they feel about the decisions and options that they would like have, and it can also allow the family to develop a financial budget so that everyone is on the same page. Having a financial budget and plan also allows everyone to see what the money is being used for and how much is being used. This can help with any concerns that siblings may have about finances being accounted for and being used properly.

Remember that each sibling can have a different opinion and view on their parents’ condition and what’s best for them. If one of the siblings lives out of state or a long-distance away it can be more difficult for them to feel completely a part of the care team and it can also lead to them having a different outlook and perspective on how their parents are doing. This can lead to disagreements and arguments over what’s best for them and how they’re really doing. Whereas the sibling who lives locally and is able to see their parents everyday has an entirely different perspective and outlook than their long-distance sibling. This is very common and there are several solutions to help avoid the disagreements and help them feel informed and in the know.

As often as possible communicate with them regularly and speak with them directly so that they feel involved. When there are doctor appointments or any other notable appointments or changes in their condition call them and when there are doctor appointments make sure to let them know in advance and ask them if they can attend the appointment by phone. This does a couple of things; it lets them speak with the doctor and ask any questions that they have, and it also lets them feel a part of the appointment and involved more directly in their parents’ care.

There are no guarantees when siblings disagree or have disputes over their parents’ care. We have seen some families become very torn apart with deep hurt and division over care decisions for their parents. The sad part is that usually these arguments are because the siblings only want what’s best for their parents except, they each have differing opinions on what they consider the best is for their parents. The key is still communication and tackling any disagreements directly and openly. Ask for everyone to be respectful and to share what their concerns are or what they would like to see happen and remind everyone that everyone wants the same thing and that is whatever is best for your parents.

After everyone has shared and given their input the sibling in charge or the sibling who was made power of attorney needs to make the decision that they feel is in their parent’s best interest. Hopefully, everyone will remain respectful and understand that their input is valued and wanted and will remember that everyone wants the same thing and that is whatever is in the best interest of your parents.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to.

If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them. Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we will discuss The Signs for When it’s Time to Make the Move.

Sources:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm

https://www.tn-elderlaw.com/free-resources/blog/july-2017/when-you-and-your-siblings-can-t-agree-on-an-elder

https://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/info-07-2013/family-siblings-aging-parents-jacobs/

Episode 42 – Top Books for Caregivers

Hello, and welcome back to All Home Care Matters. If this is your first time visiting us here at the show. Thank you for taking time out to be with us today. We appreciate how valuable everyone’s time is and that is why we try and make each episode here at All Home Care Matters something that will hopefully matter to you.

If you have cared for a loved one before then you know first-hand that it can be difficult to find time to do the things that you use to enjoy and if you’re caring for a loved one right now, then today’s topic will hopefully help to make it a little easier for you as you care for your loved one.

We are going to be discussing some of the top books for family caregivers. This is a subjective list, and you may have your own recommendations that has helped you as you cared for your loved one. If so, we would love to hear which books were the most helpful to you.

There are many great books available to caregivers and families when they find themselves facing long-term care issues and uncertainty. The issues can be wide-ranging from small issues to bigger and more serious. Either way, when we take that very first step as a family caregiver there is little in the way of preparation for what can be expected.

There is usually little to no warning and everyone’s situation is unique to them and their circumstances. Some families may be providing care from long-distance, while others may be caring for a spouse and for others it may be the adult children now need to find ways to help mom who was recently diagnosed with dementia.

There isn’t a one size fits all for any one situation, however, there are some very good and informative, helpful, and insightful books that can make it a little easier on families and their loved ones and they face these caregiving and long-term care issues together.

We have compiled a list on some of what we consider the most helpful books for families that range from the beginning stages of caregiving to books that cover the more advanced and complicated issues.

We understand and appreciate how difficult it can be for families and for family caregivers to find time for themselves and when they do there are most likely many other commitments and obligations that they need to take care of during their break and downtime from caregiving.

But when time allows and permits you to, we hope that you’ll find that you’ll find the book that fits best for your situation and that it becomes more of a companion than a book.

First on the list is: The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book) 

This book is considered by many to be the must-have essential resource for families who are caring for a loved one with dementia. It does not read like a traditional book, but more like a reference book where the family or caregiver can seek out the issue and devices that can help to make life safer and simpler for individuals battling dementia.

This book is full of valuable and helpful strategies, resources, tips, and information for the family and their loved one with dementia. The book is currently in its 6th Edition and can be purchased on Amazon in either paperback, hardcover, or kindle edition.

The price for hardcover is $49.38

The price for paperback is $16.19

The price for Kindle is $14.99

The next book on our list is: Eldercare For Dummies Paperback – Illustrated, May 9, 2003 (R. Zuckerman)

This book is a wonderful resource for families who are either at the very beginning stages of caring for a loved one or if they have been caring for a loved one for a while and feel lost or confused and wanting to know how to better manage their loved ones needs. Eldercare for Dummies is a “reassuring guide that helps to provide strategies for determining the needs of older loved ones, arranging their care, ensuring their safety, and enhancing their quality of life while respecting their dignity.”

Eldercare for Dummies can be purchased on Amazon in either paperback or in the Kindle edition.

The price for paperback is $12.99

The price for Kindle is $12.00

The next book that’s on our list is: Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Caregivers -- 101 Stories of Love, Sacrifice, and Bonding Paperback – March 1, 2012.

This is one of those books that can help caregivers regardless of what they are facing or where they are at in their caregiving journey. There are practical resources, along with stories of love and sacrifice. There are stories from across all spectrums of caregiving, age, and settings. There are personal stories from Joan Lunden, Jill Eikenberry, Leeza Gibbons, and countless others.

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Caregivers – 101 Stories of Love, Sacrifice, and Bonding can be purchased on Amazon in paperback or kindle edition.

The price for paperback is $14.95

The price for Kindle is $9.99

This next book is a must-have for every caregiver: The Caregiver's Survival Handbook (Revised): Caring for Your Aging Parents Without Losing Yourself Paperback – February 1, 2011.

The Caregiver’s Survival Handbook is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a survival tool of sorts for caregivers as they care for their loved one. As professionals we sometimes can forget that for many people having to provide care or make long-term care decisions for a loved one is something, they may have no experience in and this book can be a great asset to not only them, but also to their loved one. Another nice feature and aspect to this book that I wish more books would include is that it also covers how the caregiver can attend to their own career without losing themselves in the process.

The Caregiver’s Survival Handbook is available on Amazon. However, it is only available in paperback at this time.

The price for paperback is $15.90

This next book is not only one of the best books from a caregiver’s perspective as they care for their loved one with Alzheimer’s and illustrating every detail of what it is like to care for a loved one from the beginning of the disease all the way through to the end, but also a planned-out map showing every adjustment to each trial to every small victory that they went through caring for their loved one during their journey.

The name of this book is: Your Name is Hughes Hannibal Shanks: A Caregiver’s Guide to Alzheimer’s (Bison Book) by Lela Knox Shanks and Steven H. Zarit (April 1, 2005)

There are many things I could say when talking about this book. I want to first give a little background to how I first became aware of this book. When I was in college for a hospice and palliative course our instructor required everyone to read this book and then write an in-depth essay about our impressions of the Shanks story.

Now, admittedly, I am an avid reader of healthcare and especially dementia and Alzheimer’s books. I was at first a little skeptical of the book since I had not heard of it before and I had thought I would have if it was a significant book in the subject of dementia and Alzheimer’s. It really hadn’t mattered though if I had not heard of it before, since this was required and not optional. To this day I am thankful for having been assigned this book to read.

It is a very easy read, and it is designed that way for families to be able to read it without too much difficulty. By the time I finished reading this book it left such a profound impression on me that ever since then anytime we have a new member at one of our Caregiver Support Groups one of the very first recommendations that I make is that they get a copy of this book. For a while we had several copies and would give them out, we feel that strongly about this book.

Now, this isn’t a normal dementia or Alzheimer’s book. This book is almost a memoir mixed with a self-help guide for families who are caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s. I am not going to go into all of the specifics, but Lela Shanks in my opinion could almost be considered a groundbreaking pioneer of caregiving for loved ones with Alzheimer’s. If you are caring for a loved one and especially if they are your spouse and your desire is to care for them for as long as you can in your home this book is a must.

The summary on Amazon states that “Your Name Is Hughes Hannibal Shanks is Lela Knox Shanks's personal account of caregiving for her husband, Hughes, in their home after he was stricken with Alzheimer's disease. Shanks describes her initial denial, her discovery of coping skills, her eventual acceptance of his illness, and her ultimate recognition that the key to successful caregiving lies in never losing sight of the patient's humanness.

The book outlines twenty coping and survival strategies to guide caregivers to untapped inner resources and shows caregiving's intangible rewards of increased self-respect and self-knowledge. We should note at the time we were preparing for this episode there were only 5 left in stock in paperback and only 1 left in hardcover. Which I believe is a testament to this book.

Your Name is Hughes Hannibal Shanks: A Caregiver’s Guide to Alzheimer’s (Bison Book) by Lela Knox Shanks and Steven H. Zarit is available on Amazon in both hardcover and paperback.

The price for paperback is $16.95

The price for hardcover is $26.00

The next book we recommend is: 128 Days and Counting: A 28-Year Old Caregiver's Memoir Paperback – January 1, 2017 by Honore Nolting (Author)

This is an intimate and vivid account of a young couple as they learn that Tom has been diagnosed with cancer. This couple shares a detailed account of going through chemo, an operation, and a period of difficult adjustment. The couple are strong, scared, normal and quirky, yet determined and silly. They kept a blog during Tom’s cancer and may help readers answer questions about what it is like to get cancer and be a young caregiver.

128 Days and Counting: A 28-Year Old Caregiver's Memoir Paperback is available on Amazon in paperback or Kindle edition.

The price for paperback is $10.98

The price for Kindle is $8.99

There are many wonderful books for families and family caregivers as they care for their loved ones. If you have suggestions of books that you have found helpful to you and your caregiving journey, we would love to add it to our list and if you have read one of these books on this list send us a message and let us know what you thought of it.

We want to help a family caregiver and give them a copy of each of these books on our list. Send us an email and tell us how long you have been caring for your loved one and what you would like other caregivers to know that could help them as they care for their loved one.

Send your story to [email protected] and we will share your story on an upcoming episode, again that email is [email protected] and include Caregiving Journey in the email’s subject line.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues.

Please visit us at https://www.allhomecarematters.com where there is a private secure fillable form where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to and you can also email the show directly at [email protected].

If you know someone who may benefit from this episode, please share it with them. Remember you can listen to every episode of All Home Care Matters on your favorite podcast streaming platform and watch every episode on our YouTube channel and please make sure to hit that subscribe button so that you never miss an episode.

Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we will be discussing the difficult issue of When You and Your Siblings Cannot Agree.

Sources:

https://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-sixth-Alzheimer-Dementias/dp/1421422239/ref=sr_1_3?crid=22WPKEREBW0R2&dchild=1&keywords=36+hour+day&qid=1609534476&s=books&sprefix=36+%2Cstripbooks%2C197&sr=1-3

https://www.amazon.com/Eldercare-Dummies-Rachelle-Zukerman/dp/0764524690/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Eldercare+For+Dummies&qid=1609534144&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Chicken-Soup-Soul-Caregivers-Sacrifice/dp/1935096834

https://www.amazon.com/Caregivers-Survival-Handbook-Revised-Yourself/dp/0399536426/

https://www.amazon.com/Your-Name-Hughes-Hannibal-Shanks/dp/0803293283/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Your+Name+Is+Hughes+Hannibal+Shanks%3A+A+Caregiver%27s+Guide+to+Alzheimer%27s&qid=1609555402&s=books&sr=1-1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07C6YPWJP/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

Episode 41 – New Year’s Eve Message

This year New Year’s eve is going to look a lot different than in years past. There won’t be any New Year’s eve parties or large gatherings at a friend’s home to ring in the New Year, instead many of us will be celebrating at home watching the New Year come in on television from our couches.

For many families they will be ringing in the New Year without some of their family or loved ones for the very first time. We are preparing to embrace a New Year and with it the prospect and hope of a better year ahead.

Let’s all look forward with hope and anticipation of a better, healthier, and more joyous year for all of us. Some of us have been affected more by Covid this past year than others, but we all have been affected by it in one way or another. Some of us have lost loved ones, while others may have lost their jobs and are struggling financially. The hope that this new year brings for all of us is the prospect of a fresh start and the hope of a better tomorrow.

Our prayers, love, and support goes out to everyone for a better year forward and for everyone’s health, joy, and happiness in 2021.

From all of us here at All Home Care Matters, we also want to take a moment and offer our sincerest thanks and gratitude for all of your support this year. We created All Home Care Matters to help families and communities to have a place where they can find information, resources and discussions on topics about long-term care issues that matter to them.

Whether it’s been emails or social media posts the words of encouragement and appreciation from families and individuals letting us know that we have helped them with issues that they have been facing and dealing with is the exact reason this show is here and will continue to be here for you.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com where there is a private secure fillable form where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions.

Every form is read and responded to and you can also email the show directly at [email protected].

If you know someone who may be spending New Year’s Eve alone, take a moment and reach out to them or maybe it’s someone who has lost a loved one this year reach out to them and let them know you’re thinking about them.

Remember you can listen to every episode of All Home Care Matters on your favorite podcast streaming platform and watch every episode on our Youtube channel and please make sure to hit that subscribe button so that you never miss an episode.

Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we will be discussing and reviewing some of the top books for families and individuals who are caring for loved ones.

Sources:

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/holidays/g34704057/quarantine-new-years-eve-ideas/

https://english.jagran.com/lifestyle/happy-new-year-2021-wishes-quotes-greetings-whatsapp-and-facebook-status-to-share-with-your-friends-and-family-10021758

EPISODE 40 -

It can be devastating to watch our parents or grandparents begin to slow down. It’s a major adjustment for everyone involved, as families learn how to provide care and talk about new ailments with their loved ones, without sacrificing anyone’s independence. For seniors, it’s often frustrating and heartbreaking to come to terms with their aging bodies, as they become more limited in their abilities and struggle to get through the day as easily as they used to. This difficulty reaches a new height when it’s time to think about wearing custom briefs, also known as adult diapers.

 Most people hope that they will never suffer bladder incontinence, but it’s important to remember that the disease is incredibly common among older adults. According to the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 51% of people over the age of 65 have some level of bladder or bowel incontinence. This is especially common for women; whose pelvic muscles tend to weaken during menopause.

 Bladder incontinence is one possible side effect of aging. It can happen due to weakened bladder muscles, overactive bladder muscles, weak pelvic muscles, or even nerve damage from diseases such as Parkinson’s or diabetes. Even seniors who don’t have bladder incontinence might need to consider briefs, as mobility issues could make it difficult to reach the bathroom in time. Bladder incontinence could also be a sign of a bigger problem – such as an enlarged prostate in men or a pelvic organ prolapse, so doctor visits are essential if your parent or loved one is experiencing these issues.    

 As normal as bladder incontinence is, the subject matter is rarely discussed openly. Many feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit that they’re struggling with the disease, even though it’s likely that many of their peers are facing similar challenges. If you notice that it may be time for your loved ones to consider wearing briefs, it’s important that you begin the conversation with them, so they can feel comfortable getting the help they need quickly, while avoiding any possible accidents.

 Bladder incontinence can come in many forms – and the degree in which a person is dealing with the disease will determine what steps they need to take. If your parent or grandparent is experiencing slight leakage when they sneeze or laugh, they may only need panty protectors. If incontinence is beginning to interfere with daily life, preventing them from leaving the house for fear of accidents, it’s time to set up an appointment with the doctor, to rule out more serious issues and determine a plan for treatment.

 When it’s time to take your parent to the doctor, it’s also time to begin the difficult conversation with them. There are many ways you can go about speaking to your mom or dad about bladder incontinence, but it’s essential that you speak delicately and are kind and patient with them. Remember, this is not a conversation a parent wishes to have with their child. It can feel embarrassing and awkward – it’s your job to make sure they know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

 The words you choose matter. It’s recommended that you avoid using the word “diaper” when speaking with your loved ones. Expert caregiver Carol Bradley Bursack explains, “this word implies a piece of clothing used for a baby or toddler who has yet to be toilet trained…no adult, regardless of their level of physical or mental disability, should be treated as though they are a baby. Aging and age-related conditions already rob our loved ones of their independence and dignity. Our word choices and tone of voice may not seem that important but communicating and providing care in a way that helps our loved ones feel dignified is a game-changer when it comes to promoting cooperation and boosting self-esteem.”

 Older adults deserve to be treated with dignity. They are also more likely to accept help if their confidence is not damaged. If they understand that what they are facing is normal – and that they are not reverting to a stage of infant-like dependence – they will feel more comfortable coming to terms with it. The word “briefs” is a much better term than “diaper” for this reason. It feels far more dignified and approachable – a word that’s mostly associated with standard underwear, instead of something that babies wear. Consider using the word “briefs” when you sit down to have this conversation with your loved one.

Because this is such a highly sensitive and personal topic, it’s possible that you might not be the best choice for the conversation in the first place. Parents might have a hard time being that vulnerable with their adult children. There was a time when our parents were changing our diapers – and the role reversal can be hard to accept. Not to mention that the advice of family members is easy to ignore or brush off.

 If you worry that your parent might not want to have this conversation with you, or might not listen to your advice, consider asking a doctor to speak with your parent about the issue. A parent is likely to listen to the advice of a medical expert – and they could feel more comfortable discussing their struggles in a professional setting. Otherwise, a friend that’s going through something similar might be a good choice. Carol Bradley Bursack explains that, “it may be less embarrassing to have the discussion with an objective doctor who’s seen it all or a friend who is dealing with the same challenges. When their defenses are down, they’re usually more willing to listen.”

 Regardless of who your parent or grandparent speaks with, they might continue to fight the reality of the situation. If they are losing their sight or sense of smell, they may have a lack of awareness about the severity of the problem. They might not realize that they are making wet marks on furniture or on their clothes. Even if they do, they could downplay the issue to avoid further confrontation. That said, once seniors realize the seriousness of the situation, and can no longer deny it, they may be more likely to try briefs.

Seniors are also more susceptible to depression – and a person who is depressed is less likely to properly care for themselves. To make matters worse, bladder incontinence can make a senior feel even more down about themselves, and keep them from participating in social activities, opting instead to stay safe inside and avoid any possible embarrassment. Look out for possible signs of depression – including lethargy, loss of interest in activities, and a lack of personal care. According to Carol Bradley Bursack, if your parent or grandparent is suffering from depression, a treatment plan “may help your loved one feel better and spur them to engage in personal care again, which, in turn, can boost their self-esteem and encourage them to venture out and socialize more.”

Once your parent or loved one has come to terms with their struggle, it’s time to take them to the doctor. There, larger health problems can be ruled out and a treatment plan can be established. It is possible to treat bladder incontinence and, in some cases, even cure the disease. The doctor might recommend bladder control training – in which the way the bladder stores and empties urine can actually be changed. This can occur through pelvic muscle exercises like kegels; biofeedback, a mind-body technique that helps a person gain control over involuntary bodily functions; and charting urination to develop a pattern that your parent or grandparent can follow, so the need to urinate can be planned for ahead of time.

The doctor might also recommend cutting out caffeine and alcohol and replacing them with cranberry juice.

If diet and bladder training aren’t effective, there are certain medications that can tighten or relax pelvic muscles as needed. There are other options such as urethra implants or surgery that can improve or cure incontinence.  

Briefs may be necessary as your parent or grandparent undergoes treatment. It’s also possible that treatment plans are not an option for your mom or dad – if immobility keeps them from performing pelvic muscle exercises or if surgery or medications are deemed to high risk because of other health complications. In this case, it’s important to find the best custom briefs for your parents – that are comfortable and unnoticeable – so that they feel confident and dignified, even as they begin this new journey.

 If your parent or grandparent is beginning to show signs of incontinence, it’s important to remind them that they are not alone. With briefs, they can continue to live their life as normal. There’s no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Aging isn’t an easy process, but with gentle, patient conversation and the best plans for care, we can help make it a little easier for our beloved moms and dads.