Andrew Petty is Dying

When tragedy strikes and grief consumes you, how do you find your way forward again?

Ryan Bramwell is my neighbor. He piqued my curiosity soon after moving in a few doors down--the way your curiosity can be piqued after a few comments here and there in the midst of a casual conversation in the driveway begin to suggest that there's much more to the story than first meets the eye. That curiosity led to a conversation on my porch, which gave me a bit more insight into Ryan's story and ultimately landed him in one of my Graveyard Groups.

For almost a year now, along with the other guys in Ryan's group, I've had a front row seat perspective on Ryan's journey--a tale of courage and new life in the midst of tragedy and grief. The events of the past three years, especially, have led Ryan to redefine and double-down on what matters most. And true to form here on Andrew Petty is Dying, encounters with Mortality have a leading role in the story.

Your Front Row Seat

This episode gives you a front row seat perspective, too, as Ryan unpacks his story with vulnerability, humility, and courage--qualities that have been refined in Ryan through his suffering. Even as Ryan unpacks his story with us, he's also still very much in the middle of living the chapter of his story that he's describing. Some of it is in the rearview mirror, but a whole lot of it is still right here and now.

Meet Ryan Bramwell

Since 2007, Ryan and his team of designers, animators, editors and producers at Spillt--a progressive, industry-leading brand development, design, and animation agency in Denver--have been creating amazing stuff that you and I see everyday on network TV and in advertisements, movies, and streaming services. Spillt's clients include ESPN, CNN, Netflix, HBO, and National Geographic, to name a few.

Ryan is a creator, entrepreneur, and adventurer in mind, body, and soul. He's also unassuming and modest about his accomplishments, which helps me understand why it's taken so long to really appreciate just how big a deal he is in his industry.

First and foremost, though, Ryan is a husband and father.

Fair Warning...

You know me...I think regular, voluntary exposure to the reality of our Mortality is life-affirming, not depressing. It can motivate us to live NOW, to love BETTER, to get unstuck more quickly, become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.

Even so, fair warning: This episode touches on some of the most difficult topics in the human experience, including suicide and mental health challenges. I hope that won't discourage any of you from tuning in to the whole episode because Ryan's story is ultimately a triumphant one that I believe will encourage you. But I do want you to know what you're getting into.

Alright, without further ado, let's jump into Ryan's story.

Ecstasy One Minute...Tragedy the Next

After a little more than a decade of running his business, Ryan was beginning to feel pretty burned out and also wanted to test how well Spillt would run in his absence. So he, his wife and son, and his dad headed out to a tropical destination for some R&R. Gradually, Ryan began to truly relax and regain some objectivity about his life and work. Then in the middle of the night, his dad--who had gone back home early--called with the news that Ryan's brother, Taylor, had killed himself. Horrifically, Ryan's dad had found Taylor dead in the entryway to the home that they shared. Here's Ryan in his own words:

"...I started to get a break on the beach--a release of stress or pressure or whatever you want to call it. And...started to get in a place where I can really objectively look at everything. And I got the unexpected call and news which flipped everything--I'd like to say 180, but it's kind of like 180 and digging a giant hole. Waking up in the middle of the night to my father's phone call, I just broke down. I'm not a big crier, but I don't think I've ever cried for that long. I didn't sleep, and it immediately thrust this calm, fun, open energy with our family just purely spending time together to shock, grief, needing to pack our bags, somehow find a flight back to Denver so I can somehow support my parents."

A New Chapter Begins

And so Ryan and his family began a new, unexpected, and unwelcome chapter of their Story--with Grief in the leading role. Ryan's long-term alcohol use began to spiral out of control, with long solo drinking sessions in his basement becoming a common occurrence. But one day, Ryan realized that he was slowly killing himself and would leave his family prematurely if he kept it up. So he enrolled in an outpatient treatment program and began the painstaking process of sobering up and evolving his relationship with alcohol.

More Relationships Evolve

As Ryan wrestled himself free from the destructive clutches of alcohol, he began to rediscover himself--to find the real Ryan Bramwell beneath the accumulated years of using alcohol to cope with life's discomfort. Not everything that he found was pleasant. He discovered, for example, that he didn't know how to sleep without alcohol's influence, and had to rebuild that basic life skill from the ground up. Nor did he know how to understand, express, or manage his emotions very well. The hardest work of his life was now underway as he overhauled his relationships with some of life's most fundamental elements without the crippling influence of alcohol.

And Grief? Well, Ryan found that the more he resisted it, the stronger its grip became. So he gradually learned not to seek permanent freedom from the Grief that threatened to overwhelm him but to embrace it instead.

Here's Ryan in his own words:

"I learned the lesson through this that the only way to deal with the things I want in life--whether it be bad grief or something I want to attain to in life--is through it. Fighting something as large as grief is, in my opinion, a bottomless amount of energy that I don't know how you I could get myself out of the hole by just purely fighting it. I think I had to more accept it. I think I'm still learning today how it manifests and my relationship with it. And again, it's just that path, it's one step at a time. And that path for me and my family has led to what we want in life, what we truly want, how we want to live, and eventually got us up to Steamboat."

More Tragedy

Then, just a year after Taylor committed suicide, Ryan's father-in-law died of health-related causes. In the midst of his grief over his brother's loss, Ryan was now grieving his father-in-law's death and caring for his wife in her grief.

Dreams Become Reality

In the midst of their Grief, Ryan and his wife began to double-down on what mattered most to them--especially the things that they believed would provide an awesome childhood for their young son. With Mortality as their motivator, Ryan and his family moved to Steamboat Springs to make their dream of mountain living a reality. Here's Ryan in his own words:

"...those things that fill us up from a personal level began to draw us...there's something inherently that just starts as a whisper of--I don't want to say more, but something different that fulfills us...It made us evaluate the kind of life that we wanted our son to have, and what fills us up. For us, we moved up here full-time, and my company is still in Denver, and I commute every other week, and to do that small commute, that perspective change--which is really all it was to support this life--was a small thing."

The Story Ain't Over

Ryan is still very much in the middle of writing this chapter of his Story. The Grief comes and goes. The quality of his presence with others waxes and wanes. His emotional intelligence ebbs and flows. But he's on a new path now, taking each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time.

Some Takeaways from Ryan's Story

• Take time away from the grind to prevent burnout, gain objectivity, and enjoy the ones you love.
• Cultivate a relationship with Grief instead of trying to kick it out of your heart and mind. When it shows up, it will remain a part of you for life, but cultivating a relationship with it allows its place in your story to evolve over time.
• Practice truly being present with whomever you find yourself with--especially your family and friends. Let curiosity and understanding be your guides in those moments. As Ryan learned, It can all change from a dream to a nightmare in the blink of an eye.
• Pursue what fulfills you and prioritize what matters most with single-minded focus--NOW, before crisis blasts you out of your complacency.
• And more...Tune in for all of the nuggets of practical wisdom for living well that this episode has to offer.

Making It Personal, and Making It Matter

What's sticking with YOU from Ryan's story today?

Are you pushing yourself too hard at work, approaching burnout, and neglecting what really matters most in your life? Resolve right now to be the boss of yourself, take a page out of Ryan's playbook, and step off of the hamster wheel for a while. Take a break, get some perspective, and get more familiar with what it is that drives you so hard that you'd reach this point in the first place so you can take steps to reduce its influence in the future.

Have you lost a loved one to suicide, considered it yourself, or know of someone who you think may be at risk? Take just that one step today that Ryan encouraged you to consider. Get help, offer help, break the power of the status quo in your life and begin to create a new way forward one step at a time. It's NOT easy. But it IS possible. And you CAN do it.

Whatever's sticking with you from this episode...resolve to do just one thing with it today. As you add Action to your Insight, you move toward genuine Transformation.

I Can Help

Converting Insight into Action can be deceptively hard. I can help you with that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.

Go Here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.

I'm so glad you tuned in today. Don't forget to "follow" this show (apparently, that's the new term that's replaced "subscribe"), and I'll see you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying.

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If You Liked This Episode, Check These Out, Too

• You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
• The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code
• Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation

We live in an age and a culture that seems obsessed with productivity. I actually think it's become something of an idol--that is, something that we revere and worship that isn't, in fact, worthy of worship in and of itself. A quick Google search returns a plethora of advice and resources for optimizing productivity, like an article from Lifehack entitled, "50 Ways to Increase Productivity and Achieve More in Less Time." Implied? "Achieving more in less time is obviously a good thing."

I'm not here to argue that productivity is a bad thing. I think it's great to be productive. In fact, I think being productive is at the very core of what we humans need in order to experience contentment in life. In episode 025, The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code, my wife and I unpack this idea in more depth and detail.

What I am here to argue, though, is that many of us have bought into an inadequate definition of productivity. And unless we disabuse ourselves of this definition of productivity and swap it out for a better one, we'll set ourselves up for a lifetime of unnecessary pressure and stress, a chronic and unnecessary sense of inadequacy, and a long list of regrets when the Grim Reaper comes to collect us.

So hang with me as I propose a better definition of productivity than the half-baked, tyrannical one that that many of us are currently enslaved by. And let's set ourselves free to reimagine what real productivity can look like.

The Origins of My Own Productivity Reimagination

The computer screen stared back blankly at me. The pad of paper in front of me stared back blankly at me. The voices of my team outside my office as they went about their work intensified my sense that I wasn't delivering what they needed. I could feel the tension mounting as the pressure to make a decision increased but I was no closer to a decision now than I had been 3 hours earlier. Which might have been tolerable had I not already spent big chunks of time over several days trying to make the decision. But this was how good leaders make decisions, right? They retreat to their office for a while and then emerge with the decision that the team needs. Right?

So what the hell? Why wasn't that working for me?

Desperation Leads to Innovation

Finally, in exasperation, I realized that if this approach wasn't working, then I had to try something else. And I decided to do something that was counter to the culture of the organization I was in; I decided to leave and go for a run in the middle of the afternoon.

I was nervous about this. It felt irresponsible, and I was concerned about what my team and my boss might think of my choice to leave in the middle of the day. But in this moment, necessity was once again the mother of invention, and my exasperation over failed attempts to reach a decision any other way overrode my fears and doubts.

And an hour or so later, I returned from my run triumphant, with a decision in hand.

Now, maybe this sounds like a little thing, especially in the grand scheme of things. And for some of you, that would have been a little thing. But I can tell you that for me, "triumphant" is a great word to describe that moment in my Story. I had finally delivered the decision that my team needed from me, experienced the relief and satisfaction that came along with it, and--in my desperation--stumbled upon a new way to be productive.

A Quick Sidenote

That was 10 or so years ago. As I recount that experience in my own Story, I'm aware of and honestly, kind of self-conscious about how much that situation reveals about who and how I was back then: like the nature of my beliefs about what good leadership is, my own lack of self-permission and personal sovereignty, and much more. It feels pretty vulnerable to share. But I share it gladly because I know that my Story is in some way also someone else's story--even if only a little bit. And by sharing it, someone else will feel a little less alone, maybe a little less crazy, and therefore more able to read their own Story with less judgment, derive more meaning from a similar part of their Story, and integrate that meaning into the Chapter they're writing right now.

As you've probably heard me say before, I think our Story and our unique Purpose in the world are inseparable. So the more we're willing and able to mine our Stories for meaning and integrate that meaning into the Chapter we're writing right now, the more we're able to uncover and pursue our unique purpose in the world. And as Charis and I discussed in the Contentment Conundrum, that's a recipe for greater personal contentment. It's also a recipe for a better world.

Alright, let's paddle out of that eddy and back into the main current of our conversation today.

Freedom from Captivity

At that time in my life I was held captive by the belief that productivity looked a certain way--like being at the office between certain hours of the day and trying to make decisions in a certain way--ironically, I was significantly limiting my productivity. I wasn't free to explore other ways of being productive.

Here's maybe the biggest thing I took away from that experience as I view it with the benefit of hindsight: It showed me that it was possible and beneficial to reimagine what productivity can look like. I've been evolving my own concept of productivity ever since.

Reimagining Productivity to Renovate my Whole Life

The example I shared pertained to productivity on the professional level. I've since expanded my re-imagination of productivity to my whole life--something that's become especially useful in this most recent chapter of being self-employed and having the deceptively complicated freedom to use all of my time however I'd like to. Some of you can relate to that deceptively complicated freedom--which requires a different kind of self-management than typical employment situations do.

These days, for example, I take a few long walks by myself each week. By giving myself permission to reimagine productivity, I've discovered that those walks are a form of life-giving creative solitude that benefits every area of my life. Sometimes, a new work idea comes to mind or I solve a work problem. Sometimes, an idea comes to mind--often almost as if from nowhere--that benefits my family. Recently, I realized that I wanted to write a letter to my younger son about something he's been struggling with. I realized it with a conviction and a certainty that was unmistakable. So I did write that letter, and the results in terms of every metric I know of as a parent were off-the-charts awesome.

That's not tooting my own horn, BTW--that's a testament to the value of creative solitude in my life as a form of productivity and the value of giving ourselves permission to reimagine productivity for ourselves.

Sometimes on my walks, nothing in particular comes to mind, and I just enjoy being outside on a country road, and I'm captivated by nature and the sights, sounds, and smells, and reminded that I'm glad to be alive and how outrageously fortunate I am overall.

That's one way that I've reimagined productivity in the current chapter of my story, and there are others. My clients testify to the life-changing benefits of reimagining productivity for themselves, too. In fact, you can tune into Scott Larson's story in episode 029, entitled Dragon Slayer: One Man's Heroic Tale of Life Renovation, to hear how he set himself free from old, worn-out definitions of productivity and renovated his whole life in the process.

What's Wrong with the Prevailing Definition of Productivity?

My own experience, my clients' experiences, and observing the world we inhabit--especially the prevalence of anxiety, depression, and burnout--all lead me to believe that many of us have bought into a bad definition of productivity and could benefit from swapping it out for a better one.

Specifically, I think the prevailing definition of productivity is inadequate because it's too narrow. For example, I think it leads us to see tangible, quantifiable results in business, wealth creation, and amount of stuff acquired as the most valid evidence of a productive and useful life. I think it deifies "hustle" and side gigs, elevating them almost to the status of virtues. The internet generally and Social Media, even more specifically, can amplify that message and, if we're not intentional about what we consume, lead us to believe that if we're not 10x-ing our results in every area of our life, then we're half-assing it.

As I said earlier, none of these things are bad in and of themselves. But we lose our way when we make secondary things primary, when we idolize things that aren't worthy of worship in and of themselves. And we get confused, depressed, and angry when our idols fail us. When we've done our damndest to 10x every area of our lives and still find ourselves wanting more.

BTW, I've got a lot of thoughts on what's leading us to buy into this bad definition of productivity and measures of success that don't satisfy at all. I plan to unpack some of those thoughts in future episodes. But for now, I want to turn the corner to HOW we go about swapping out our inadequate definition of productivity for a better one.

Because if you're willing, you really can reimagine what productivity looks like for you and substantially renovate your life for the better.

How My Clients Reimagine Productivity

When I work with a client and suspect that they might benefit from reimagining their definition of productivity, I keep an eye out for evidence of assumptions about productivity and begin to challenge them. Like if a client calls a vacation or going to their son's baseball game on a workday non-productive--compared to "productive" activities like those that produce income or involve housework--that's a sign to me that they're possibly unaware of the presence of narrow and rigid definitions of productivity that could be holding them back from an even fuller and more productive experience of life.

How YOU Can Reimagine Productivity, Starting Today

You and I don't have the benefit of working together like that via this podcast medium, but you can still begin to reimagine productivity in your life right now, if you'd like to. I've been doing this kind of work with a client recently in an organic way throughout our conversations, and along the way she created a process for herself for reimagining productivity. I thought it was so good that, with her permission and with only minor adjustments, I'm going to share it with you, too. Here's how it works:

First, make a list of as many things as you can think of that you consider "productive." Don't censor or judge the list in any way. Just put down everything you can think of that qualifies as "productive" use of time in your mind.

Next, make a list of as many things as you can think of that you consider "non-productive." In other words, things that you see as a luxury because you don't really think they contribute to a useful goal or purpose. Don't censor or judge this list in any way, either.

Then, circle all the things on your non-productive list that you enjoy doing, want to do, or simply want to do more of.

Next, decide which of the items you circled on the "non-productive" list might actually belong on the "productive" list. Challenge the underlying assumptions that landed those items on the "non-productive" list. For example, maybe you put "hanging out with friends" on the non-productive list because in your mind, it doesn't really contribute to a useful, measurable goal or purpose. Maybe you consider it a luxury rather than a necessity. Challenge that assumption. Does time with your friends energize you and encourage you? Are your friends a source of good counsel and perspective that you might not otherwise have gained? Does time with friends help you show up better as a spouse, partner, parent, or employee? If you can answer yes to one or more of those questions, then it's a good bet that "hanging out with friends" might just belong on your "productive" list.

If you circled something on your "non-productive" list that you enjoy doing but aren't sure if it belongs on your "productive" list, ask yourself this: Is it possible that enjoying something is inherently "productive?" Obviously, for me, the answer is a resounding "yes!" because doing what we enjoy has so many collateral benefits in so many other areas of our lives. Remember the old saying, "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?"

You can also do the opposite, of course, if it seems useful--that is, decide which of the items you circled on the "productive" list might actually belong on the "non-productive" list.

Finally, give yourself permission to move just one of the items from your "non-productive" list to the "productive list." Then, decide specifically when and how you will first risk inserting that thing into your daily life. And do it. If you need an extra kick in the butt to actually do it, ask yourself how you would feel if you died 5 years from today and had never actually done that thing.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

If you work through this whole process, you will have begun to reimagine productivity in your own life. With new permission and a process like this one, you can continue to reimagine productivity one step at a time, one day at a time, one experiment at time. And over time, you will develop a definition of productivity uniquely suited to you that helps you bring your best to the game of life, enjoy your participation in it more, and leave your best out on the field.

Full Disclosure...

Play, rest, exercising our imagination, following our curiosity, learning, time in nature, exposure to new people, places, and ideas, good meals, conversations, and adventures with friends, solitude, and personal reflection are examples of things that I wholeheartedly believe belong on all of our "productive" lists but often are relegated to the "non-productive" list when push comes to shove. The prevailing definition of productivity reinforces this relegation. But I think they are things that are so crucial to human wellbeing--so crucial to becoming who we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live--that I would almost call them non-negotiable. I stop short of calling them that only because they're not always options for us given the stresses, strains, surprises, and crises of life. And we can, technically speaking, live without them--or, rather, survive without them. But there's a big difference between surviving and living, isn't there?

Landing the Plane

To recap, my proposition is that many of us have bought into an inadequate definition of productivity--usually without even being aware of it. And unless we disabuse ourselves of this definition of productivity and swap it out for a better one, we'll set ourselves up for a lifetime of unnecessary pressure and stress, a chronic and unnecessary sense of inadequacy, and a long list of regrets when the Grim Reaper comes to collect us.

Let's set ourselves free to reimagine what real productivity can look like--to evolve our definition of "productive" to include things that simply bring us joy, for example.

After all, remember: You ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

Your partnership in spreading the message and impact of this podcast is invaluable. If this episode has been helpful to you, would you share it with just one other person who could benefit from it?

Helping my clients reimagine productivity in their lives is a big part of what I do. And I can help you do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.

Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review

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If You Liked This Episode, I Think These Will be Helpful, Too

• Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?
• Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 025 | The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code

When is the last time a conversation didn't go well between you and someone especially important to you? Or, when was the last time you avoided a conversation that you knew you needed to have--only to have it turn into a bigger and more intense conversation later when the proverbial shit hit the fan?

If you're anything like me and most of the other humans inhabiting Planet Earth, you don't have to go back very far in your mental files to recall that conversation that went badly or the one you avoided that came back around to haunt you.

Some of the deepest regrets people experience in their last days or after losing someone they love come from wishing they'd never said that one thing or had been brave enough to say that other thing.

We ARE going to die. But we're not dead yet. Let's take a look at how we can improve our conversations with those we love and cherish most while we still have the chance.

Relationships = Conversations

In my line of work, the relationship between my client and someone else important to them--like a spouse, partner, parent, or child--comes up frequently as a matter of concern, hurt, stress, or disappointment. And more often than not, in those situations the quality of the capitol-C Conversation in their relationship is suffering.

In fact, our most important relationships are like one big capitol-C Conversation made up of thousands and thousands of smaller conversations over the years.

That capitol-C Conversation is of course made up of the words we do say. But it's also made up of the words we decide NOT to say and the little conversations we avoid because they're too inconvenient or uncomfortable in the moment. What we say matters, and what we don't say matters, too. Sometimes, there are way too many words, and sometimes there are way too few.

Making It Personal

Pause for a moment: Look back right now on the capitol-C Conversation you've had over the years with someone close to you. What's it been like, overall? Full of honesty--sometimes to the point of doing harm? Contentious? Riddled with suspicion and one-ups-manship? Maybe it's been playful and adventurous but sometimes lacked the gravity that it needed in order to navigate challenging seasons. Maybe one person in the relationship always "wins" and the other one always "loses." Maybe you can honestly say that even though there have been lapses, overall the conversation has been maturing through the years.

Whatever it's been like, though, I think we can all acknowledge that there is room for growth somewhere. We're not in pursuit of perfection. But we are in pursuit of even more substance and meaning and joy and satisfaction in the conversations that matter most, in the relationships that matter most. So that when either they or we breathe our last, we can say with conviction that we gave it everything we had.

Barriers to Improving the Conversation

Let's look first at common barriers to improving the Conversation in the relationships that matter most to us. Then, we'll explore a few ways to begin improving those conversations right away.

Alright, here are two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation that I've observed:

• Our Own Stuff: Obviously, this is a big one. Maybe we dislike conflict and just expect that any attempt to approve the capital-C Conversation will create conflict. Maybe we don't assign enough value to what we see, think, want, or need. Or maybe we're overwhelmed by our sense of how much time and energy it will take to turn things in a better direction. We might doubt that anything we do will make much of a difference, so why try? Past attempts to improve the conversation haven't yielded much, so what's the point? Those are just a few of the ways in which our own stuff can stand in the way, but there are many more, and we each have our favorite flavors.
• The Status Quo: We get so accustomed to relating to each other in a certain way that it's simply easier day-to-day to just stay on the well-worn path that we know--even though that well-worn path often doesn't lead to good destinations in your relationship. And over time, it becomes a deeply rutted path with steep sides that make getting out of it seem even more challenging. Ladies and gents, the status quo is not benign. The status quo can be a mortal enemy standing between us and the best things in life. We'll touch on this more when we get to how to improve the conversation.

Introducing The Growth Moment, with Amy K. Musson

But first, I'm really excited to share something with you that has impacted me in a big way because I think it can impact you, too. And that "something" is a new podcast that MY coach, Amy Musson, has just released, called The Growth Moment. Amy is a spectacular coach with a wealth of gifting and experience, and my partnership with her has been transformational.

The Growth Moment is a new way for more of us to benefit from Amy's gifts and experience because her show literally lets us sit in on coaching conversations that she records with volunteer participants. Amy adds context and commentary to help us understand what's happening in the coaching conversation and apply what we're hearing to our own lives.

Recently, I tuned in to The Growth Moment for the first time, and for some serendipitous reason I picked episode 3, Forget the Rules! Do it Your Way, featuring a soon-to-be-college grad named Benen. In just 30 minutes, Amy's coaching helped Benen become more willing to trust himself and create the first steps in his post-college life.

As I listened, I gradually became aware of a deep sadness within myself. And a few minutes later, I was completely surprised to find myself weeping as I shared with my wife what I'd become aware of in the course of listening to the episode.

Now, I'm not a very emotional guy--not outwardly, at least. And I've wept like this maybe twice in the past 15 or so years. So this was NOT normal.

In fact, I had connected with a deep source of grief in my own life that I wasn't even aware existed or needed to be addressed. This episode brought the grief to light and allowed me to begin processing it. Wow. I'm SO thankful for this new awareness, because where there's unresolved grief, there's stuckness that's getting in the way of becoming the person I'm made to be and living the life I'm made to live.

Now obviously, as they say on commercials for medications and diet plans, "results may vary." You might not connect with grief like I did. But I'm confident that The Growth Moment will impact you in some valuable way because in a very real sense, other people's stories are also OUR stories. And Amy is a skilled guide helping her guests and we as the listener have fresh, actionable insights that lead to transformation.

Check out The Growth Moment at thegrowthmoment.com or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. And if it makes a difference in your life, share The Growth Moment with at least one other person.

HOW to Improve the Conversation

Alright, so we've touched on two of the most common barriers to improving the capital-C Conversation with the most important people in our lives--our own stuff and the power of the Status Quo.

Now, let's turn our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. This won't be a comprehensive list, but I think the following things are high bang-for-buck and can get us all a lot further down the road.

First, take responsibility for your own stuff. Do your own work. And get help if you need it. We usually lack sufficient objectivity on our own stuff to see it clearly enough to do much about it. A mentor, a therapist, a coach, or a trusted friend can help you get clearer on what's preventing you from taking the next step in improving the Conversation and find ways to address it.

Next, motivate yourself. This is critical if we're going to shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Envision the good things on the other side of the awkwardness and challenge of improving the Conversation. Also, allow yourself to feel the pain and regret you'd experience if you didn't do your part to improve the Conversation when you still had the chance. And revisit the reality and inevitability of your Mortality to give you that last bit of resolve to get moving in a new direction.

Then, have the little conversation now. We can pay a little now--in awkwardness, difficult emotions, etc.--or a lot later. It may feel easier to skip it for now, but that bill will come due eventually, with compounded interest. For example, maybe you feel like your spouse doesn't communicate family calendar items to you very well. Since you're working harder now to first take responsibility for your own stuff, you realize you're feeling increasingly resentful about this because it can create a lot of inconvenience for you. You're also taking new responsibility for the fact that you've never actually brought it up. So, the next time it happens, you break free of the Status Quo and risk having a little conversation about it in the moment instead of letting it slide by unaddressed again.

Lunch & Learn

One way that my wife and I have the little conversations now before they become big, hairy conversations is by having lunch together once a week. Sometimes one of us has something specific to discuss. But often, there's no specific agenda other than creating a regular time for the little conversations to occur as needed. When we're in this habit, the quality of our capital-C Conversation is usually much better. When we fall out of this habit, the quality typically declines, slowly but surely.

Experiment with what works for you. But whatever you do, don't put off having the little conversation now before you're forced to have the big, hairy conversation later.

Creating a capital-C Conversation with those closest to us that we'll be proud of in hindsight is the ongoing work of a lifetime. This work compounds over time, so the investment we make in it today matters.

To Sum Up...

Let's recap the key points we've covered.

1. We first discussed two of the most common barriers to improving the Conversation, namely, our own stuff and the Status Quo.
2. Then, we turned our attention to how to improve the Conversation--things we can do starting today. First, we take responsibility for our own stuff that's getting in the way of a better conversation. Next, we motivate ourselves so we can shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo and create a new way forward. Then, we resolve to have the little conversation now.

What to Expect

New conversations bring new results. Sometimes, those new results are immediate and amazing. But they're not always super enjoyable, especially at the beginning, as the other person adjusts to the new conversation, too. That's ok. Be patient, and extend grace and the benefit of the doubt to yourself and the other person. And sometimes, it's useful to have a professional help the two of you learn how to have the conversation more productively. That's a smart move if you're not finding a good way forward on your own, despite your best efforts.

The goal, BTW, is not to manipulate or change the other person. The goal is to do our part to create a higher-quality, healthier, more honest, and more enjoyable capital-C Conversation overall. That Conversation is made of thousands of other little conversations over the years. And you can begin to improve it today.

So resolve today to give a mighty heave and shrug off the smothering influence of the status quo, choose courage in the face of fear, doubts, and uncertainty, and resolve to do just one thing differently today. What will that one thing be for you?

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

I Can Help

Helping my clients have better conversations with the most important people in their lives is a big part of what I do. I can help you do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.

Connect with Amy K. Musson

Email | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website

Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review

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If You Liked This Episode, I Think These Will be Helpful, Too

• Ep. 001 | You're Dying: How to Make the Most of It
• Ep. 004 | Do It Now Before It's Too Late: A Raw and Unfiltered Conversation With Husband, Father, Chef, and Cancer Warrior, Patrick Ayres
• Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
• Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation

Are you healthy? How do you know?

In this episode, my guest Penney Megginson helps us redefine health and wholeness--from the inside out.

Introducing Penney Megginson

I met Penney when she invited me to be on her podcast, Penney for Your Thoughts, a show about how your thoughts and mindset affect your health, happiness, and performance. Preliminary conversations and my own cyber-sleuthing quickly piqued my curiosity about Penney's story. It was clear that an unwelcome and unexpected encounter with Mortality had profoundly altered her relationship to health, happiness, and performance. That in fact it had profoundly altered her relationship to Life itself. And I wanted to know more.

So, I was thrilled when Penney accepted my invitation to be a guest on this show. Her story gives us insight into how we can be more aware, proactive, and meaningfully involved in the lives of those we love today--before it's too late. Penney's story also shows just how powerfully our Stories influence the way we live out our purpose in the world. In fact, as I've said many times before, I believe that our Stories and our unique purpose in the world are inseparable.

Penney is an American living in Switzerland with her husband and two kids. Early in career, she focused on exercise physiology, but then began adding other specialties to her toolbag to help others achieve their peak mind and body performance--including physiotherapy, pilates, yoga, integrative nutrition health coaching, EFT, and NLP. Her encounter with Mortality further focused and accelerated her development. And this intense evolutionary energy has made her an impressively well-rounded practitioner supporting whole-person health and wellness for her clients. Today, her Story, her innate gifting, and her accumulated expertise have converged to produce the Megginson Method, a mind-training system designed to help you overcome the core reasons behind your bad habits, cravings, and self-sabotaging behaviour.

Two Chapters, One Story

We built our conversation on the scaffolding of two statements I found in Penney's bio online, each of which served as entry points into pivotal moments in her Story. The first statement was this:

"That was the moment that I realised that it isn't enough to just be content. It's really about a balance of your inner state and physical well-being."

I asked Penney to share what was going on in her life that led to that moment. And Penney shared the story of her dad's untimely death from a heart attack--doubly sad because he died just before the birth of Penney's first child. Key bits of this part of the conversation include:

• Penney's awareness that she "should" (her word) have done more to help her dad pursue better health. For a time it was a genuine regret.
• We chewed on what she might have done differently and what the rest of us can do today who realize that either we or someone we love could benefit from improving our health.
• This experience greatly expanded Penney's definition of "health" and led her to begin working from the inside-out with clients.
• Penney riffed on the nature of "stuckness" and how the key is first to take full responsibility for it and for ourselves. (I didn't plan for all of these recent episodes to hit on the stuckness idea this much, I swear! But I'm trusting that there's a good purpose behind it.)
• We compared the American and European mindsets about "exercise"--acknowledging that Europeans embrace more of a "culture of movement" while Americans "work out." Americans get in the car to sit in traffic on the way to the gym, where we'll run on a treadmill. Europeans find that ironic and would rather walk into town or go for a bike ride. The lines are much blurrier for Europeans between exercise and the rest of life because movement is simply more a part of their lives. I found this part especially interesting and a good wake-up call for we Americans--to slow our roll, so to speak, and break down the rigid walls between "exercise" and the rest of life.
• Whatever you're wanting from the other person in a relationship, give it to them 10x, because whatever you're giving to them is going to bounce back to you.
• Often, we throw ourselves into exercise in an attempt to avoid being alone with our thoughts and reflecting on how we're really doing.

That discussion gobbled up most of the conversation. But we hit on the second statement from her bio briefly before landing the plane:

"It was then that I finally understood why so many people never achieve their goals and simply settle."

Penney explained that in the midst of training hard for a big ski touring race, she tore her ACL one day while skiing. She was so discouraged, and was tempted to throw in the towel. But she rallied, rehabbed the knee, and came back to compete in the race a couple years later. Key bits of this part of the conversation include:

• Deeper empathy gained for her clients, who often come to her feeling desperate and somewhat hopeless that they'll be able to make the changes that they want and need to make. She knows better now how big of an "ask" it can be of people who have a big health hill to climb.
• The power of choice in those moments of discouragement and defeat.
• The power of a compelling "why" to find the will to move forward.
• This part of her story further focused and fueled the way she lives out her purpose in the world today.
• Today, Penney focuses less on "fitness" and much more on whole health and wellness with her clients--creating plans specific to each person's needs and objectives and built to be do-able and sustainable.

What About You?

The good news about other people's stories it that the same story can mean something different to each person that hears it. Maybe Penney's story helped you gain a little bit different perspective on your own health and wellness journey. Maybe it motivated you to get even more meaningfully involved in the life of someone you love before it's too late. Maybe, it even helped you see how your own Story is pointing you to your unique purpose in the world. Any of those takeaways would be be a huge win.

No matter what insights you had, though, they'll never fulfill their potential to create transformation in your life if you don't apply Action to them. What can you do today to insure that you're not the guy or gal who has an inspirational moment...only to realize a few weeks from now that that's ALL it was? All it takes is the commitment to do ONE THING TODAY. Don't wait to take that first step. Call the person who came to mind. Contact Penney to start upgrading your own mindset to achieve a greater level of whole-person health and wellness. Instead of banging out a few more emails, close the laptop and go for a walk with your significant other. Whatever you do, don't do nothing. Your life and the lives of those you love are simply too valuable and too important. By doing just one thing today, you become a little bit more of the person you were made to be and get a little closer to living the life you were uniquely made to live.

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

Let's Connect

If this episode helped you, I'd love to know. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me.

Connect with Penney

Email | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Website

Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review

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If You Liked This Episode, I Think You'll Like These, Too

• Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
• Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
• Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
• Ep. 028 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate (Part 2): The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James
• Ep. 029 | Dragon Slayer: One Man's Tale of Heroic Life Renovation

Scaly, fire-breathing dragons don't roam the earth anymore. (Wait, did they ever? I, for one, like to think that maybe, just maybe, they did.) But dragons tromp around in our lives nevertheless. These dragons are harder to see but arguably just as deadly.

In this episode, Scott Larson shares how he slayed a dragon he discovered lurking in his own life, stealthily and with life-suppressing intent. The whole tale looks commonplace enough from the outside, but Scott knows what it really took to deal the death blow to his personal dragon.

Few things instruct and inspire us as well as another person's Story. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then one person's Story might be worth a million. So I was thrilled when Scott agreed to share an excerpt from his Story for our benefit. From Scott's story, we learn how to slay our own dragons.

How This Episode Came to Be

Scott and I recently concluded a six-month coaching partnership. As our partnership progressed, it began to dawn on me that Scott's Story exemplifies literally all of the concepts that I've shared in the short-form topical episodes of this podcast: especially becoming the boss of your fear, harnessing discomfort to get where you want to go, daring to dream again, moving from the cabin to the cockpit, hearing and heeding your Inner Voice, the contentment conundrum, and breaking the stuckness stalemate.

And it also dawned on me that in addition to hearing me talk about those concepts and how they've worked in my life, it might be good to hear how they've played out in someone else's life--and in Scott's case, over a really short period of time, with transformational effect. Which is less of a testament to my effectiveness as a coach and more of a testament to the power of the concepts themselves when applied with the kind of honest self-examination and Courage that Scott has consistently employed.

Meet Scott Larson

Scott is a devoted husband and father, gifted marketing professional, and avid outdoorsman. He, his wife, and their two kids live here in Steamboat Springs--we're neighbors, in fact--and it's a pleasure to present a chapter from Scott's Story to help you "see" even more clearly what I've been attempting to say all along.

A Dream Realized...A Dream Jeopardized

Scott and his family arrived in Steamboat in February 2020--chasing a dream of life in a small mountain town with the great outdoors at their doorstep. A dream that put quality of life above climbing the corporate ladder in a city they had no interest of living in. Dream realized! Sweet!

Then, just a few months after arriving, Scott lost his job. Oh, and a pandemic was beginning to wreak havoc around the globe. Crap.

Suddenly, the Steamboat Dream was jeopardized.

Now Scott began to consider that maybe he was incapable as a man, husband, father, and professional. This was their fourth move in 5 years for work, yet another in a pattern of jobs gained and jobs lost or left. Was there something more deeply wrong with him as a person? What a tough thing to begin wondering about yourself. What a heavy accusation to level at yourself!

Insight + Action = Transformation

It was about that time that Scott and I began our coaching partnership to help him navigate this new and unwelcome transition. In the full episode, Scott recounts how new insights led to new actions that ultimately led to transformation. Two assessments, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Highlands Ability Battery (HAB) "put a vocabulary to the things that I already knew, but it helped to solidify and synthesize it for me so it was something I could speak to and relate to more readily. It brought it more to the forefront of my thinking as well."

A values exercise also helped him evaluate how well his actual life aligned with his most deeply-held values. And reconsideration of how he defines success led to a major overhaul of his definition of success. Tune into the full episode to hear more.

Creating an Owner's Manual

As the coaching partnership progressed, Scott began assembling a personal owner's manual. A guide to the kind of human he is, his ideal operating conditions, and his adverse operating conditions. Three basic categories of content were populated: nature, nurture, and now.

"Nature" were Scott's default settings, and MBTI and HAB were the two primary tools used to populate that category. "Nurture" were those things Scott acquired along the way in life, intentionally or otherwise--like after-market modifications. The most important of those were acquired beliefs, like the definition of success that he decided to upgrade upon realizing that it wasn't actually his definition of success. And finally the "Now" category: values, interests, opportunities, obligations, etc. that became key determinants in how he applies Nature and Nurture.

Inner Voice + Courage = Action

Then, new and improved owner's manual in hand, Scott was faced with a moment of truth: a job offer...in a situation similar to his past gigs. But the owner's manual wasn't enough on its own. On the one hand, it still felt like maybe the only responsible thing to do was take the job. But he paused to tune into his inner voice with new focus and resolve to heed what he heard. And the message he heard was clear. But Courage was needed to act on what he heard, so Scott chose Courage in that moment, bet on himself, and didn't take the job.

As Scott discovered, Courage isn't something that you have to go out and find. It's something you choose. It's simple on one level. But it definitely isn't easy. And Courage is the secret sauce in Scott's whole story.

"I bet on myself, and I didn't take the job."

This is the pivotal moment in this whole story--the moment of crisis, the moment of resolute action in a new direction. If this was a fairy tale, this would be the moment when the hero slays the dragon. It's that big a deal.

It's THE moment when Scott moved from drafting an outline for a new chapter in his story and actually began to write it. This is THE moment when Scott went from considering taking a new path and actually began to walk down that new path. This is THE moment when Scott placed one of the best bets that any of us can ever make by betting on himself. It's the moment when Scott quit just cutting bait and actually started fishing.

What's maybe even more significant about this moment, though, is that it was not just one big step down a new path for Scott, it was an evolutionary leap in life overall. Scott created within himself an exponentially greater capacity for change and growth and learning in this moment. Many moments and much toil and trepidation led up to this moment. Then Scott converted all of many difficult moments into powerful, positive forward momentum.

This is the way, folks--not just for Scott, but for all of us. Insight + Action = Transformation, and Courage is the activating agent.

What Now?

Having slayed a personal dragon and begun to travel down a new path, Scott's next challenge was to figure out what to do professionally if he wasn't going to return to the path he'd been on before. The answers weren't automatic, but Scott was now free to pursue them with new clarity about the kind of human he is, his ideal operating conditions, his adverse operating conditions, his true definition of success, and his most deeply-held values. Eventually, Scott decided to hang his shingle as an independent marketing consultant. And it wasn't long after that that he secured his first client--a client that he still partners with today.

Other, Less-Obvious But Incredibly Powerful Forces at Work

Scott and I paused to acknowledge several other things that helped Scott successfully slay a personal dragon to access the path marked "Scott Larson's Way."

• Scott achieved a new degree of self-permission--that privilege of adulthood that many of us have a hard time grasping. When he began to give himself more permission to look at things his own way and do what he wanted to do, he started becoming even more of the man he's made to be and living the life that he's uniquely made to live more fully. I think more of us doing that is a very good thing--not only for our own personal enjoyment, fulfillment, and productivity, but also because a more fulfilled Scott, for example, leads to a happier husband, an even more engaged and thoughtful Dad, a more active member of the community
• Scott also risked a new level of self-trust--a new willingness to tune into his inner voice, hear and heed what it whispered to him about the truth of his existence, and bet on himself.
• And Scott assumed even more self-responsibility--putting himself more firmly in the driver's seat of his life than ever before and accepting all of the consequences.

Tune in for the Full Effect

These shownotes can't do justice to the whole conversation and the value of Scott's story to all of us. I hope you'll tune in to the full episode for the full effect!

Also, as I mentioned at the beginning, Scott's story exemplifies literally all of the concepts I've shared in the short-form topical episodes of this podcast.

Tune in to those episodes for a deeper dive:

• Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
• Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
• Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life
• Ep. 016 | The Question that Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
• Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
• Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing and Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise
• Ep. 024 | My Top 5 Takeaways from 2020: How Conversations with My Guests Changes Me
• Ep. 027 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation
• Ep. 028 | Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate (Part 2): The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James

Bringing It Home

What part of Scott's story could you identify with most? What part of Scott's story inspired you the most or provoked a bit of envy? Maybe Scott's story has stirred within you fresh resolve to take action to improve your situation in some way or pursue a dream that you've pushed aside for too long. Courage is the secret sauce. Courage is the catalyst that moves you from Insight to Action so you can achieve Transformation. And Courage isn't "out there" waiting for you to find it. It's right here, right now--waiting for you to CHOOSE it.

And if you need a little extra nudge, fill your sails with the pressure of your Mortality. You really ARE going to die, and there's no way of knowing when that day will come. But if you're waiting for tomorrow to get moving, ladies and gents, it's time to get honest and acknowledge that the elusive "tomorrow" never comes. There is only "today." Take one NEW step TODAY and become even more of the person you were made to be and live even more of the life you were made to live--with guts, gusto, and abandon.

Let's Connect

I hope today's episode has been helpful and enlightening! It'd be a pleasure to connect with you. Find me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

Follow Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher

This episode is a first for this podcast--a "part two" continuation of a previous episode. It features a fellow coach and my good friend, Chad James, and together we unpack the 5 ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit that I shared in Ep. 027, Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: A Path to Transformation.

When I released that episode, I was vaguely aware that it felt unfinished somehow, but I couldn't put my finger on why. Then I got unsolicited feedback from my wife and Chad that although they really liked the episode, it felt unfinished to them, too. And Chad mentioned that the five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit was the part he wanted to hear more about.

That connected the dots for me on what felt unfinished and what needed to be done about it. And since I've been wanting to have Chad on the podcast for a while anyway, I decided to strike while the iron was hot, as it were, and kill two birds with one stone by asking Chad to join me to help land this plane that was left circling the airfield.

If you haven't already tuned in to Ep. 027, you can still listen to this one first because I summarize the big idea from that episode at the beginning of this one. But for full benefit, I do recommend listening to Ep. 027, too. It's short and easy to digest at just 15 mins--and in it I pull back the curtain on one of my own recent episodes of stuckness on the way to making the point.

Introducing Chad James

Chad James is a veteran business coach with 20+ years of experience. His own experience in business and his intuitive gifting for discerning core issues, coupled with empathy, compassion,and a vast resource of tools and strategies for optimizing business and life, make Chad a highly-sought-after, highly-trusted, and valuable partner for "succeeding faster, living better, and creating the life you've always imagined." He's led an amazingly diverse and adventurous life, and he's often picking up some new pursuit for the sake of stretching and challenging himself and embracing the "beginner's mind" again. He has a huge heart. He brings all of who he is to his work as a coach.

Chad's also a good friend of mine and a mentor in life and business, too. In fact, he was catalytic in my development of The Graveyard Group masterminds--of which he is a founding member--and has helped me climb numerous professional learning curves more quickly than I would have on my own. The original concept out of which I developed this 2-part podcast series, "If you're stuck, get moving," was formulated in preparation for an event at which Chad invited me to speak. To say that he's been influential in my life would be a huge understatement.

Something New from Chad--and a Special Deal for You

Chad has just launched a brand new project that I'm really excited about and I hope you'll check out, called Mavericks--a membership-based group coaching experience that makes Chad's wealth of wisdom, tools, and strategies available to many more than ever before, in the context of a group of others playing full-out in the game of life.

I'm pumped to share that Chad's offering Andrew Petty is Dying listeners 25% off of their first-month's membership. Just visit carrynobrand.com, and enter the code "Andrew" at checkout. Membership is super reasonably priced at less than $100 a month, and it gives you exclusive access to Chad and his treasure trove of resources.

First, a Refresher: Ep. 027 Summary

If you haven't yet tuned into part 1 of this 2-part series on breaking the stuckness stalemate, go here to tune in or read the shownotes, or read this brief summary of the main points, below:

The Big Idea: If you're stuck, get moving.

Even more specifically, get moving with and through the stuckness.

Other Important Stuff Supporting the Big Idea

Stuck is never fun--in fact, it can actually be really painful--but stuckness is a normal and necessary part of life as a human on planet Earth. It alerts us to the fact that there's a gap between where we are and where we want to be. And something unconscious and unknown is in our way. Stuckness is a chance to make the unconscious conscious--to generate fresh insight to which we can then apply action and achieve some sort of transformation.

Because Insight + Action = Transformation.

The stuckness is always there for a reason.

With practice, we can learn to see the stuckness as an indicator that we're on the brink of a new opportunity to grow and evolve. But moving through stuckness to the good stuff beyond is less like the caterpillar emerging from a caterpillar than it is like a snake shedding its skin. It takes effort and intention and time--and it's uncomfortable. The accompanying psychological pain of stuckness is essential, though. Our desire for relief from it motivates us to do the work to get unstuck. The discomfort is necessary to produce the insights that lead to action that result in some kind of transformation.

Stuckness is a guide appointed by our hearts and minds to show us the way to something even better.

We have choices, of course, when stuckness shows up. Broadly speaking, we can retreat from it, stall out in the face of it, or advance through it. Neither retreating nor stalling out will produce a good result. Only advancing through it will.

Here are five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit:

1. Become familiar with your own tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor.
2. Acknowledge that you're stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don't fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor.
3. Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It's your problem--no one else's. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution.
4. Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness.
5. Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness.

So, if you're stuck, get moving. Even more specifically, get moving through the stuckness so it can teach us what it's there for.

The more skillful we become at leveraging life's many encounters with stuckness, the more we will milk out of this life, the more we will bring into it for our own fulfillment and others' benefit, and the fewer deathbed regrets we'll have.

Now, Part 2!

Now, without further ado, let's jump into the meat of this episode--part 2 of Breaking the Stuckness Stalemate: The 5 Ingredients in the Recipe for Using Stuckness to Our Benefit, with Chad James! Since this part 2 episode focuses on unpacking the 5 ingredients in much greater depth and detail, I'll organize what follows under subheadings for each ingredient. I won't come close to capturing all of the great stuff, so tune in to the full episode for more.

Ingredient 1: Get Acquainted With It

Become familiar with the tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor. Some key points from this part of the discussion:

• It's important to recognize the primary emotion you're experiencing.
• Sometimes, somatic (physical) indicators appear first in times of mental (psychological) stuckness--even before we're aware of the specific emotion. So training ourselves to become more aware of our specific "psychosomatic" early warning signs is an important part of using stuckness to our benefit. For Chad, common psychosomatic indicators are sensations in the center of his chest and tightness in his neck.
• This helps us avoid the instinctive "fight or flight" response to discomfort and unpleasant emotions--and move with and through the stuckness instead.
• We brought Steven Pressfield's concept of Resistance--a form of stuckness--into the conversation, from his fantastic book, The War of Art. (To get the essence of this Resistance idea (and a whole lot more) w/out first reading the whole book, tune into Tim Ferriss' recent interview with Steven Pressfield.) Chad had this to say, "I think that one of the very important concepts in taking things to the next level is understanding--not just understanding but accepting and maybe even celebrating--that Resistance is part of that journey. So as we see that Resistance, that could be an exciting moment, it could be an awesome moment, it could be an area where we go, "Oh wait, something cool's about to happen!" When we change our relationship with Stuckness / Resistance, we can learn the lesson it's there to teach us and achieve the transformation available on the other side.
• The hard way--through the stuckness, for example--is often the best way.
• And more...

Ingredient 2: Acknowledge It

Acknowledge that you're stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don't fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor. Some key points from this part of the discussion:

• "The faster we energetically acknowledge that something is wrong...the faster we can begin to take action toward fixing it. And often that action...just has to do with moving toward it." -Chad
• If I fail to acknowledge it, I start living my life in avoidance of it. So it's still calling the shots. It's better to just acknowledge it, deal with it, and move on.

Ingredient 3: Own It

Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It's your problem--no one else's. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution. Some key points from this part of the discussion:

• Nobody's coming to save you--as Chad's Air Force Colonel dad reminded him as a kid. As adults, it's our job to self-rescue. If we expect or demand that others will fix our stuckness, we'll get into victim territory and create unnecessary collateral damage. So I hear...not that I have any recent personal experience with this…
• Take responsibility first. Then enroll others to help you.
• Your spouse / significant other is not your therapist.

Ingredient 4: Harness It

Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness. Some key points from this part of the discussion:

• "Be with" the discomfort of stuckness.
• If we're constantly fighting it, we can't act our way out of it.
• If we didn't have some of the pain associated with these moments of stuckness, we'd lack the motivation to grow. Cognitive dissonance pulls us forward.
• Slow down. If we're inclined to believe that we can't slow down for an episode of stuckness, then we're going to revisit it again later. The stuckness will recur and build until you HAVE to pay attention to it--often at a much higher cost.
• If we slow down, be with it, and rely on the fact that we've been here before--then we tend to put ourselves in a better place for action.
• And a plethora (cue The Three Amigos clip…) of metaphors to help us "see" what we're saying--from dirtbike racing to soccer and mountain biking and flying a plane. As in these things, so in life!

Ingredient 5: Take Action

Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness. Some key points from this part of the discussion:

• If nothing else, simply be sure to take some action, to move in some way. If you're stuck, get moving.
• Good action is never wishing the problem would go away. Good action starts from the point of stuckness and moves forward from there.
• Action with intention toward our stuckness always solves our problem better.
• It's important to act on the insights we gain from slowing down to learn what the stuckness is there for. Take action on what you learn so the insight can produce transformation. Insight + Action = Transformation.
• There are things we simply can't know without taking action.
• You can't pre-solve stuckness. You can't think your way out of stuckness. You have to act your way out of stuckness.

That's It In a Nutshell. Now It's Your Turn.

With Chad's help and over two episodes, I've done what I can to help us understand stuckness, upgrade our relationship with it, and use it to our benefit. Now it's your turn. What are one or two insights you've gained on this topic than you can put to work in your own life right now?

Break the Stuckness Stalemate in Your Own Life

I hope this episode has helped you evolve your relationship with stuckness--our challenging but normal and necessary companion in life. A big part of what I do as a coach is help others move through their stuckness to achieve the transformation that's available on the other side. I can help YOU do that. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• The War of Art (Steven Pressfield). To get the essence of the Resistance idea discussed in this episode (and a whole lot more good stuff from Steven Pressfield) w/out first reading the whole book, tune into Tim Ferriss' recent interview with Steven Pressfield.
• The Obstacle is the Way (Ryan Holiday)

Connect with Chad

Email | Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn

I hope you'll check out Mavericks, Chad's new group coaching program! He's offering all APiD listeners 25% off of your first month's membership--already a great deal at less than $100/month. Go here to learn more and join, and enter code "Andrew" at checkout.

If You Liked This Episode, I Think You'll Like These, Too

• Ep. 005 | How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto
• Ep. 012 | How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life
• Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
• Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner
• Ep. 019 | The Cockpit is Yours: From Passenger to Pilot
• Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live
• Ep. 022 | Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise

See you next time on Andrew Petty is Dying!

Have you ever felt stuck? Maddeningly and totally stuck?

If you're human, then the answer is 100% "yes."

In this episode, we tackle stuckness--what it is and what to do about it. Plus, the surprising up-side of stuckness. Stories make it easier to "see" what someone is saying, so I share a snapshot from my own story to illustrate the point--a recent episode of stuckness that I'm just now emerging from. Here goes...

Sulking in the Snow

I'm sitting in my truck at a little historic landmark with a natural mineral spring and a small stone monument tucked back off of an otherwise unremarkable stretch of road parallel to the main street in Steamboat Springs, CO. It's snowing hard--which is a welcome change in an otherwise dismally dry winter, a dry winter that's followed another summer of drought and raging wildfires.

I love the elements. I think partly because the elements create an involuntary pattern interrupt in our lives. We don't get to call the shots with Nature, and when it decides to change things up, we are all compelled to adjust--whether we like it or not. And for me, involuntary pattern interrupts can be a welcome off-ramp from my head--where negative feedback loops can start small but build on themselves until they're deafening. They provide a welcome diversion when the mental static is beginning to put me in a tailspin. And when I'm feeling trapped in my head, buffeted by intangible forces, being out in the elements--surrounded by the tangible forces of wind and water and snow--is a refreshing, grounding, invigorating change of pace.

I'm sitting here now because my wife's chewing was annoying me. Super mature of me, I know.I was sitting on the couch in our home office. She was sitting at the desk--chewing something and banging away productively and energetically at her work. She was in the zone. Man, I love that feeling. And the problem was that she seemed to have it, and at that same moment, I most definitely did not. And instead of being glad for her, I was irritated and envious. That's when I knew I had a problem. My internal jackassery certainly wasn't her problem.

I was stuck.

Early Warning Signs

So that was Monday afternoon. I'd begun to sense earlier in the day that "stuckness"--a not-scientific but broadly useful term--was lurking at the door of my heart and mind. I lacked focus about how to use my time and was beginning to feel restless and increasingly agitated for no clear reason. A little anxious as I saw mental and emotional storm clouds gathering. Those are usually early-warning signs. But Mondays can be like that for me for some reason. Maybe I was just having one of those Mondays.

Giving My Horse Its Head

So, I'd given my horse its head, so to speak. Apologies in advance to all you horse experts out there if I'm butchering this saying. I let my natural energy determine what I did the first part of the day--which in this case meant a long walk on my favorite country road, then some time reading a book that called to me from my bookshelf. A book that I started once a bunch of years ago but put down unfinished for some reason. Books are like that for me sometimes: They sit patiently and inconspicuously on the shelf for months and years, then one day they catch my eye in a way that tells me it's time to pick it up again. I'm not sure what that's about, but most of the time it ends up being just the right read at just the right time. So I've learned to trust it. Does that ever happen to you?

I've learned that when I sense stuckness creeping up, giving my horse its head is a useful first response. Rather than buckling down, dialing in, trying to get super "productive" according to the conventional definition of productivity, I loosen my grip and tap into other, less-celebrated forms of productivity--like solitude and following my curiosity. Hence the walk and picking up that book again.

The Last Straw

Then I had a couple of coaching sessions on the calendar--one with a client and another with a colleague with whom I exchange peer coaching. She's an amazing coach with a lot of natural gifting and almost two decades of experience. It was my turn to coach her. And I struggled. I was in my head and trying to do a good job--which you might think would produce high-quality coaching. It most certainly does not. And it most certainly did not.

When I got off that call, my stuckness was in full force. I felt incompetent, inadequate, and uncertain. And that led to the moment on the couch when I realized I had a problem and needed to get moving before I said something misguided and misplaced to my wife and caused unnecessary collateral damage.

Which led me to that little historic landmark that Monday afternoon--sitting in my truck as the snow fell.

The Big Idea

I didn't yet understand what the stuckness was about or where it was coming from, but I did know this--and it's what I want to share with you today, too:

If you're stuck, get moving.

Even more specifically, get moving with and through the stuckness.

I was stuck--and on the verge of being an unreasonable jerk to my wife and anyone else I came into contact with--so I got moving.

Making It Personal

When have YOU felt stuck? Maybe it was for a day or two. Or maybe it was for a year or more. Maybe you feel stuck right now, as you listen to this episode. What patterns do you see when you reflect on when and how you most often get stuck?

For extra credit and additional insights, tune in to episode 005, How to Become the Boss of Your Fear: Bravery-building to Live With More Guts and Gusto, to hear about an especially long and painful period of stuckness in my life, how I got unstuck, the amazing new chapter that opened up for me and my family past the stuckness, and what I learned from the experience.

Normal and Necessary

It's never fun--in fact, it can actually be really painful--but stuckness is a normal and necessary part of life as a human on planet Earth. It alerts us to the fact that there's a gap between where we are and where we want to be. And something unconscious and unknown is in our way. Stuckness is a chance to make the unconscious conscious--to generate fresh insight to which we can then apply action and achieve some sort of transformation.

Because Insight + Action = Transformation.

The stuckness is always there for a reason.

Snake vs. Caterpillar

With practice, we can learn to see the stuckness as an indicator that we're on the brink of a new opportunity to grow and evolve. But moving through stuckness to the good stuff beyond is less like the caterpillar emerging from a cocoon than it is like a snake shedding its skin. It takes effort and intention and time--and it's uncomfortable. The accompanying psychological pain of stuckness is essential, though. Our desire for relief from it motivates us to do the work to get unstuck.

Stuckness is What It's All About (In a Sense)

BTW, if you're new to Andrew Petty is Dying, there's a sense in which this podcast is largely about how to recognize and move through the inevitable encounters with stuckness to the good stuff that awaits beyond--with Mortality as our most powerful motivating force.

Back to the Story...

In my case, in this recent round of stuckness, my first movement was away from the house and to the local historical landmark on that Monday afternoon, where I began to write--to document what I was experiencing in an effort to understand its origins and begin finding my way forward through it. As I wrote, it dawned on me that I was in the midst of a real-world case study on stuckness, unfolding in real-time, and it could be a good way to illustrate the value of "if you're stuck, get moving."

Well alright, I thought, there's one thing useful about this stuckness already.

It also dawned on me that it was yet another chance to practice what I preach, so to speak--maybe most specifically in episode 012, How to Harness the Winds of Discomfort to Get Where You Want to Go: Becoming a Seasoned Sailor on the Seas of Life--where the big idea is "If you're uncomfortable, good; get used to it."

Put your money where your mouth is, Petty.

We Interrupt This Program for An Exciting Offer...

Speaking of money and mouths...Here's a chance to put YOUR money where MY mouth is. Which kind of makes sense but mostly doesn't--but I couldn't resist the symmetry in the transition. It certainly doesn't mean that I want you to put money in my mouth. Here's what it does mean, though...

You may already have heard me speak highly of Ozan Varol and his #1 best-selling book, Think Like a Rocket Scientist. I appreciated his book so much that I signed up for Ozan's free Weekly Contrarian email newsletter, then joined his super-affordable online Inner Circle community to deepen and operationalize my learning with others so-inclined and Ozan's input. Then, I participated in the Moonshot Academy--an intensive weekend workshop with almost 20 other people and led by Ozan and his wife, Kathy, to refine and launch our individual "moonshots." Those experiences and getting to know Ozan through separate conversations have persuaded me that Ozan is the real deal--someone with a lot to offer the world today and a genuine humility to boot. RARE combo. In my opinion, he's at least a "sage for this Age." And time will tell if he endures as a "sage for the Ages."

Ozan has helped me learn to hold "conventional wisdom" with open hands rather than a death grip, so to speak, and more consistently challenge assumptions. And I think we need challenges to conventional wisdom and prevailing assumptions more than ever right now.

Ozan has been called a "true original" by Adam Grant and dubbed a "superhero" by Dan Pink. His work has been described as "must read" by Susan Cain and featured in the Wall Street Journal, Time, BBC, CNN, Washington Post, and more.

Recently, because I want everyone to read it, I asked Ozan what he would be willing to offer Andrew Petty is Dying listeners as an incentive to buy his book. And I'm excited to share that if you buy any version of Think Like a Rocket Scientist--audio, e-book, hardcover, etc.--Ozan will give you FREE access to a video treasure chest that includes a behind-the-scenes look at his productivity system and a pack of 10, three-minute, bite-sized videos with actionable insights from Think Like a Rocket Scientist that you can implement right away, including:

1. The single principle Elon Musk used to revolutionize the aerospace industry (and how you can use the same principle to revolutionize your life)
2. What you should do first in tackling an audacious goal (and what you should NEVER do when tackling an audacious goal)
3. Ozan's two-step process for squashing fear of uncertainty and failure before it stops him from taking action
4. What Einstein's biggest blunder can teach you about how to launch your next project
5. Why doing "nothing" is more valuable than you think

It's super simple to get this free material. Visit ozanvarol.com/andrewpettycoach/, buy Think Like a Rocket Scientist from your seller of choice using one of the links provided, and follow the easy instructions for providing proof of purchase.

Ozan didn't request this promo, BTW, and I'm not getting compensated for it, either--other than with the pleasure of knowing that you have access to Ozan's excellent work.

Let me know if you take Ozan up on this! Love to hear how the book lands for you and what you get from the bonus material.

Now, as they used to say back in the day, back to the programming already in progress…

The Stuckness Stalemate is Broken

As the week progressed, I kept one eye on the normal duties with family and clients and one eye on the stuckness. But I set learning the lesson of the stuckness as the biggest win for the week. And I prioritized walks--periods of physical movement that for me are reliable ways to generate mental and emotional movement. I cataloged the unconscious things that began to become conscious--in this case, an accumulated mix of personal and professional stuff that needed sorting. I processed what I was uncovering for a bit with my Graveyard Group guys on Thursday morning--which led to an impromptu lunchtime conversation with my wife, Charis, about what I was beginning to see more clearly. This was the first conversation I'd had with her about what was going on. She knew I was stuck because a) it was obvious--I was distant and heavy and irritable--and 2) I told her as much Monday evening--and let her know that I was working on it.

And in that lunchtime conversation, my energy began to shift from reflection to action as clarity about the nature of the stuckness--new insights--illuminated the next steps on the path ahead. This marked the turning point in this episode of stuckness. My wife seems to be a common denominator in those turning points, doesn't she?!

As I processed out loud with Charis, she pointed out again--just like she had in the aftermath of my first-ever personal retreat just a month earlier--that the mess was necessary to produce the insights that lead to action that result in some kind of transformation. This is part of what we talked about when Charis joined me for ep. 025, The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code.

Stuckness, my friends--though unpleasant, even painful, and sometimes prolonged--is a guide appointed by our hearts and minds to show us the way something even better.

The 5-Part Recipe for "Unstuck Stew"

As we land this plane, here are the five basic ingredients in the recipe for using stuckness to our benefit:

1. Become familiar with your own tell-tale signs of stuckness. In my experience, some of the typical signs include irritability, distractedness, restless energy, a lack of focus, and loss of a sense of humor.
2. Acknowledge that you're stuck, and invite the stuckness to teach you. This acceptance will create the openness of heart and mind that allows the unconscious to be made conscious. Don't fight it or try to muscle your way past it. Resistance or avoidance or sheer force of will makes the stuckness an enemy rather than a useful mentor.
3. Take 100% responsibility for your stuckness. It's your problem--no one else's. Request help from others--friends, experts, a therapist, whomever or whatever seems appropriate to the situation--but retain full ownership of the problem and the solution.
4. Tap into the negative energy--frustration, anger, etc.--to fuel positive forward movement through the stuckness.
5. Finally, get moving--with and through the stuckness.

Retreat, Stall Out, or Advance?

We have choices, of course, when stuckness shows up. Broadly speaking, we can retreat from it, stall out in the face of it, or advance through it. Neither retreating or stalling out will produce a good result. Only advancing through it will.

So, if you're stuck, get moving. Even more specifically, get moving through the stuckness so it can teach us what it's there for.

The more skillful we become at leveraging life's many encounters with stuckness, the more we will milk out of this life, the more we will bring into it for our own fulfillment and others' benefit, and the fewer deathbed regrets we'll have.

Because remember: you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

I Can Help You Find the Up-Side of Your Stuckness

My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live. A big part of that is helping others move through their stuckness to the good stuff that awaits beyond. I can help YOU with that. Connect with me on Facebook @AndrewPettyCoach or email me at [email protected]. To learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work---visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.

Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Stitcher

For a few promising years, 3-time Olympian Caroline Lalive was among the top female ski racers in the world. Slowly but surely, though, plagued by injuries and struggling with her mental game, the gap between Caroline's raw potential and her real-world race results got wider and wider. Eventually, in 2009, after a tumultuous13-year career characterized by grit, determination, courage, some notable accomplishments, and many disappointments, Caroline closed out the pro skiing chapter of her life with a fall in her final race.

In this episode, Caroline shares candidly about the gnawing regret that has stuck with her since her retirement from skiing and what she sees more clearly today that could have helped her younger self. And if we're willing to hear it, can help all of us. Surprisingly, though, it's not regret about her career that brings tears to the surface for Caroline in this conversation; Instead, it's regret about things left unsaid until it was too late.

And it turns out that there's a lot of wisdom for life to be gained from analyzing good skiing technique. Caroline and I unpack that metaphor together before turning the corner in her Story to the heartbreaking encounter with Mortality that she's in the middle of today.

This was a thoroughly fascinating and instructive conversation for me. I think it will be for you, too. On one level, it was simply fun and enlightening to get a glimpse into the world of elite athletics through Caroline's eyes. On another level, though, you'll see that Caroline's story as an elite athlete, wife, mom, daughter, and sister is still OUR story. It's the human story of tragedy and triumph, fear and courage, regret and gratitude, life and death.

Introducing Caroline Lalive

Caroline Lalive is the oldest of three born to her Swiss father and American mother. She spent most of her childhood in the mountains surrounding Lake Tahoe, with regular stints in Switzerland--where she first learned to ski. After a 3-year stint near Mt. Hood, OR, Caroline and her family moved to Steamboat Springs, CO, in 1995. Caroline, her husband, Olympic medalist Nelson Carmichael, and their two kids still call Steamboat home.

Here are some of the highlights from Caroline's skiing career:

• At the 1998 Nagano Olympics, she place 7th overall in the Combined event at age 18--making her the top American finisher in that event to-date.
• She was the overall Junior World champion in 1999--meaning that her performances in the 5 disciplines of slalom, GS, Super G, downhill, combined were the best in the world for 20 and under overall.
• In 2000, she became the first American to score points in every alpine event.
• In the 2001 season, she placed 3rd in the world in Downhill and Super G.
• She went into the 2002 Salt Lake olympics ranked 2nd in the world in Combined, 5th in downhill, and 5th in super G.
• She was 3-time nat'l champion and won silver in the world cup finals in downhill and placed 5th in Super G.

Chapter 1: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat

In "Chapter 1" of this episode, we dive into Caroline's ski career--a heady mixture of raw potential, visions of Olympic glory, early noteworthy successes, grit, courage, and dashed dreams. It's a fascinating study in what it takes to reach, compete at, and ultimately succeed at the highest levels of a sport. And by extension--what it takes to succeed in Life. Caroline unpacks how it's clearer to her now that an incomplete understanding of "selfishness" and "unselfishness" got in the way of achieving her dreams. With the clarity that she now has on that era, she encourages anyone who has a compelling passion and natural gifting in a particular area to be willing to sacrifice what's needed in order to pursue it wholeheartedly. Because, Caroline exhorts, it's only a season of our lives; it won't last forever. But for Caroline, the regret for not paying some of the price required to succeed in the way she hoped to has endured much longer than the pro skiing season of her life. Some other key points from "Chapter 1" include:

• Regret is a Robber: Caroline has struggled a lot with Regret (capital "R" intended) since her career ended. It's as if Regret is an actual companion post-skiing--invisible but ever-present, coloring how she feels about herself today and holding her back significantly from her potential in life today. We talked about the importance of turning and facing our Story--every part of it, and especially the hardest parts--so that we can embrace it and integrate it moving forward rather than go to great lengths to distance ourselves from it. In fact, the more we distance ourselves from our Story or fight it, the more we distance ourselves from our unique Path and Purpose in life.
• Process vs. Results: Caroline shares that she got so focused on the medals that she often forgot to ski. How many of us get so focused on the future--especially future goals--that we neglect what it takes here and now to get there or simply forget to live? To succeed in skiing and in Life, pay most attention to the fundamentals day-in and day-out, glancing up only briefly every once in a while to verify that you're still headed in the right direction. Process over results. Today over tomorrow!

• The Shadow Side of our Strengths: Caroline is a highly-relational, people-oriented kind of person. This quality brings warmth and energy and goodwill to her relationships. Good, right? Yep. And...Caroline shares how her prevailing orientation toward people led her--in hindsight--to take her eye off the ball, so to speak, and be distracted enough to underperform as an athlete. This speaks to the immense value of continuing to grow in our self-knowledge; to continue compiling an "owner's manual" for ourselves so that our strengths and weaknesses can increasingly take their proper places in our lives.

• As in Skiing, So in Life: We noodled on how good skiing technique mirrors good "life technique:" leaning forward, attacking the hill, trusting your edges, continually pushing the frontiers of our ability--not recklessly, but right on the edge of our comfort zone. Paradoxically, to sit back on our skis and ski timidly is a recipe for under-performing, at best, or crashing, at worst. As in skiing, so in life.
• And more...Tune in to the full episode for all of the nuggets available from Chapter 1 of Caroline's Story.

Chapter 2: Lighting Strikes Twice

"Lightening struck twice." This is what Caroline's mom, Fran, says about the fact that both she and her daughter--Caroline's sister, Isabelle--are in the midst of grim battles with end-stage cancer. In this chapter of the conversation, we unpacked the impact that Caroline's indirect but very close experience of Mortality is having upon her. The ink hasn't dried in this chapter of Caroline's Story, so this part of the episode is as real and raw as it gets. Which makes it all the more amazing, on the one hand, that Caroline's tears in this episode emerged not when talking about her mom and sister. Not when talking about regrets from her skiing career--and those are significant for Caroline! Instead, her tears emerged when sharing the story of a coach and mentor from the skiing chapter of her story--a coach and mentor who died of cancer before Caroline responded to her inner promptings to tell him how much of an impact he made in her life. She so deeply regrets that failure to act before it was too late. In the case of her mom and sister, she still has the chance now to reduce or eliminate those regrets.

This bell is rung loudly and clearly in one way or another by every guest on this show. Regrets for things unsaid or undone with people closest to us trump other kinds of regret by far. Let's heed this lesson and today with the people we love.

BTW, tune in to ep. 022, Tune Out to Tune In: Hearing & Heeding Your Inner Voice in a World Full of Noise to learn more about the importance of listening to our inner voice--a close relative of the "inner prompting" Caroline talks about in this episode.

Some other key points from "Chapter 2" include:

• Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: My words, not Caroline's--but that's the essence of part of Caroline's message to us through her story. That we get caught up so easily in things that matter very little in the grand scheme of things. And we forget the stuff that really matters. When I asked her what mattered most, she said...

• A Legacy of Love: This is what matters most, in Caroline's experience--and she comes with some serious credibility in light of her current experience with her mom and sister.

• Love is Found in the Little Things: Lest you cringe, let me first clarify that this doesn't contradict the earlier point about not sweating the small stuff. This instead means that love is shown in a phone call, a note, an invitation for coffee, a gift given out of the blue for no reason, the gift of a listening and attentive ear, the gift of our time. Things that demonstrate to people that they are our priority. And, Caroline says, those mean more to her sister today than any "heroic gesture." So, show love in the little everyday things.

• And more...Tune in to the full episode for all of the nuggets available from this chapter of Caroline's Story.

Revelation Can Lead to Revolution

In the interview, Caroline paired revelation and revolution. What revelation did you have listening to Caroline's story that could create some needed revolution in your own life?

Whatever the revelation was, heed Caroline's example and encouragement: Do just one thing with that revelation TODAY to minimize deathbed regrets, become even more of the person you were made to be, and live the life you were made to live even more fully.

Remember: You ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

Want Help With This?

My purpose as a coach is to help you turn revelation into revolution in your own life. Connect with me on Facebook @AndrewPettyCoach or email me at [email protected]. To learn about Graveyard Group masterminds--where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work---visit digdeepwinbig.com/thegraveyardgroup.

Subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, & Stitcher and leave a review!

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear

I haven't read it, but 3 Million+ people have bought it--including Caroline!--so there's bound to be plenty of good stuff for all of us in it. I have read his 3-2-1 email newsletter, and it's good!

If You Liked This Episode, I Think You'll Like These, Too

• Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way
• Ep. 024 | My Top 5 Takeaways from 2020: How Conversations with My Guests Changed Me

How content are you? A little? A lot? Sometimes you are and sometimes you aren't?

The fact that we all have different answers to that question just shows how elusive the answer to the Contentment Conundrum remains for we humans. I've never met someone who said that being more Content didn't appeal to them at all.

And if Contentment was easy, we would have nailed it by now.

In this episode, we uncover some of the key reasons that Contentment eludes us and what to do about them--and get a lot closer to cracking the code on the Contentment Conundrum.

This Episode Goes Out to…

The Contentment Conundrum comes up a lot in my line of work--whether in 1-1 coaching settings or in group settings like Graveyard Group masterminds. In fact, I dedicated this episode to the OG TGG, as we call it--the group of guys who came together for the first-ever Graveyard Group mastermind two years ago. I'm a player-coach in that group--it's where I do my own Mortality-minded work to become the man I'm made to be and live the life I'm made to live. We're still going strong, and another discussion around Contentment gave me the inspiration for this episode.

What is Contentment, Anyway?

Before we dive in, let's define what we mean by "Contentment." For our purposes, we'll call Contentment "an overall sense of satisfaction and wellbeing that's based in reality and not dependent upon circumstances." There may be other ways to describe or define it, but it's this kind of Contentment that we're chewing on.

Let's also touch on what we DON'T mean by "Contentment." We don't mean brainless bovine contentment--out of touch with and unaffected by real life in the real world, like a cow grazing in a field as the world swirls around them. There are at least a couple of ways to achieve this kind of contentment--this counterfeit of the real thing. One of them involves self-destructive use of substances or other reality-escaping practices. Another involves simply living in a chronic state of denial. In my opinion, neither of those end well or bring our best into the world. And if you've tuned into even just a few episodes already, then you know that in my book, that's a terrible tragedy. Both for the liver of the life and the world they inhabit.

Paradoxically, although the first definition of Contentment requires more commitment and courage, it yields a bumper crop over time--while the second ultimately requires more desperate measures to maintain against the constant encroachments of reality upon its borders and, in the end, yields a harvest of mediocrity at best and ruin at worst.

My strong hunch, though, is that if you listen to this podcast, you're much more interested in the first definition of Contentment.

Guest Co-host

As I was chewing on how to approach this topic, I realized that I wanted to have a conversation about it rather than just share some thoughts in the usual solo episode way. So I invited my wife, Charis, to join me. She first appeared on Andrew Petty is Dying in ep. 021, Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live. That episode wasn't an audition, but if it had been, she would have "gotten the part." And since evidently her first experience wasn't overly traumatic (rumor has it, she actually enjoyed it!), she agreed to help me crack the code on the Contentment Conundrum with me, for you. Tune into the full episode to hear the many pearls of wisdom she adds to the conversation.

The Contentment Conundrum: Cracking the Code

Our conversation was organized around two major headings:

1. Contentment can't be found by looking for it.
2. We experience Contentment as we persevere in becoming the person we were made to be and living the life we were made to live.

Contentment can't be found by looking for it.

Before we discussed how we obtain contentment, it was first important to dispel this underlying misconception. In my opinion, not only is it true that contentment can't be found by looking for it, but the more intent we become on finding it, the more elusive it becomes. It's like trying to hold on to an eel. Or chasing a mirage. Or mistaking the good times had in the car on a road trip for the purpose of the trip. Good times in the car on a road trip are a by-product of traveling to a destination--not the sole purpose of the trip.

In the rest of this part of the conversation, we discuss how time-honored self-care practices can actually feed into this misconception and create quite the opposite of contentment as a result.

And Charis shares what kind of shape I was in just 3 days after returning from my first-ever personal retreat.

With this critical misconception addressed, we next unpaced what actually does produce contentment in our lives.

The Recipe for Contentment

I think we experience contentment as we persevere in becoming the person we were made to be and living the life we were made to live. There are at least 5 key ingredients in the recipe for becoming the person we were made to be and living the lives we were made to live, including:

1. Connection with a Higher Power
2. Finding and Traveling our Unique Path in Life with Guts, Gusto, Abandon, and Purpose
3. Cultivating Positivity
4. Practicing Presence and Possession
5. Making People Our Priority

We walk through this recipe step-by-step in the rest of the conversation, and Charis adds examples from her own life to help you "see" what we're talking about--including a professional evolution that required a lot of guts and deeper self-knowledge from her and in the end produced a harvest of increased self-confidence and yep--contentment.

I think this recipe yields genuine contentment much like an exquisite meal yields amazing flavor and warmth in our belly. It's not the meal itself, but it's an awesome and welcome byproduct of it.

This kind of contentment--genuine, deep, abiding contentment--comes with scars and wounds picked up in the battle of life. In fact, this kind of contentment is possible at least in part because of the scars and wounds acquired in the battle of life. We mistake freedom from suffering, stress, and hardship as a source of contentment. When in fact those are some of the most important ingredients in the recipe for living a life that produces Contentment along the way.

Landing the Plane

Our conversation concluded with two final points. First, we discussed the surprising value of discontentment. And secondly, we discussed how Mortality plays into all of this. Tune into the full episode

So What's the "So What?"

If you're seeking more Contentment, first, stop looking for it. Then, commit instead to living the life you were made to live and becoming the person you were made to be. Pay attention to the discontentment indicators on the dashboard of your life. What system malfunction is it alerting you to? Check the recipe of your life. Which ingredient in the recipe for becoming the person you were made to be and living the life you were made to live isn't there in sufficient measure or is absent altogether?

And as you discover and travel your unique Path in life with greater guts, gusto, abandon, and Purpose, you'll start to notice the presence of a very welcome and pleasant companion:

Contentment.

Contentment that's not dependent on fickle circumstances. Contentment that's rugged and durable and UP TO YOU!

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

I Can Help You

With Mortality as our motivator, this podcast exists to help you cultivate the Mindset and the Means to live the life you were made to live with guts, gusto, and abandon. That's my purpose as a coach, too.

Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.

Episodes Mentioned in This Episode

• Ep. 003 | How to Turn Your Imperfections Into Superpowers: The Key to Unlocking Your Unique Purpose

• Ep. 007 | Kites in the Graveyard: Learning to Let Go at the Intersection of Grief and Joy

• Ep. 011 | Embracing Mystery, When to Call It a Day, and What Matters Most: Lessons from an Astonishing Life-After-Death Story

• Ep. 018 | Life's 3 Big Questions: A Conversation with the Coroner

• Ep. 021 | Sometimes, the Grass IS Greener: How a Familiar Bit of Conventional Wisdom Could be Holding You Back from the Life You Were Made to Live

• Ep. 023 | Forged in Fire: What You Learn About Life and Death from 25 Years in the Fire Service

If you liked this episode, you might like these, too...

• Ep. 010 | Life is a House With Many Rooms: Would Your House Pass Inspection?

• Ep. 014 | Dare to Dream Again: The Antidote to a Mediocre Life

• Ep. 016 | The Question That Changes Everything: The Go-to Tool for Living the Life You Were Made to Live

• Ep. 017 | Busting the "Balance" Myth: A Better Way

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This podcast has changed my life.

I didn't really expect that when I set out to produce it. I hoped it would change YOUR life--but changing mine came as a surprise. A most welcome surprise.

As 2020 drew to a close, I reflected on some of the lessons that have stuck with me the most from the many enlightening conversations I've had with my guests. That reflection revealed 5 big takeaways for me personally, and I share them with you in this episode. To do that, I dug up specific clips from some of my guests and added a little commentary to tease out the takeaway more fully. It's a fun romp down memory lane on the one hand--and a poignant reminder of what matters most on the other.

If you've been tuning in regularly, then probably one or two of my takeaways is similar to one or two of yours. But you'll have a few that are different from mine. That's part of the magic and power of Story: The same story penetrating two different hearts can have very different results.

If you haven't been tuning in regularly or are tuning in for the first time, this episode is a good introduction to what this podcast is all about--a sampler to give you a taste of what the full menu is like. I hope that what you taste will keep you coming back for more.

What a Ride...

This time last year, I had a concept, title, and artwork for this podcast. What I didn't yet have, though, was an actual podcast. Plenty of enthusiasm for it--but still no podcast. Then, with the welcome support of my podcast coaches, Tim Wohlberg and Valerie McTavish, of Podcast Performance Coach (they're AWESOME!), and the unwelcome arrival of COVID-19--which took away about half of my usual work volume and left me with more discretionary time than usual--Andrew Petty is Dying launched at long last on April 6, 2020.

Pheww. Got over the starting line.

What a ride it's been since then. As the COVID situation unfolded for all of us, I simultaneously (and coincidentally) began to have conversations with ordinary people like you and me who've had extraordinary encounters with Mortality and share those stories with you.

Serendipitous timing, to say the least.

The Inherent Value of Story

I think there's inherent value in hearing someone else's story. Among other things, it helps us make more sense of our own story, reminds us of the challenges that are common to all humans drawing breath on Planet Earth, and helps us feel a little less alone and maybe even a little less crazy. We connect with another human through their story and the vulnerability it takes to share it, and that connection nourishes our souls on the deepest, most life-giving level. In a year of tremendous DIS-connection, maybe you've gotten in touch with just how much human connection means to you. Or maybe you've connected more deeply with others than you have before. Maybe a bit of both.

Either way, when you add to the intrinsic value of hearing someone else's story the additional gift of transferable wisdom and lessons gleaned from face-to-face encounters with Mortality-- you've got a recipe for profound real-world CHANGE for all of us.

That is...IF you're willing to let someone else's encounter with Mortality change YOUR life right now--before you have your own crisis with Mortality.

Therein lies the key. And therein lies the reason that this podcast exists. On this show, we intentionally keep our Mortality in mind to tap into its power to motivate us to live with guts, gusto, and abandon right now--rather waiting for the "ever-elusive tomorrow." As Aussie and cultural-bridge-building finance entrepreneur, Jono Belz, said in episode 15, too many of us live in the shadows and fail to step out into the full, bright light of our unique purpose in the world.

As I've said before, I think that's tragic.

Now, without further ado, let's get to my 5 big takeaways from 2020--taken in chronological order from earliest to most recent.

Takeaway 1: Face the Fear

Episode 6 featured author, skydiver, globetrotter, and life cycle celebrant, Lise Leroux--a remarkable woman whose mind-blowing story reads like a sadistic experiment designed by a mad scientist. She lived with a terminal diagnosis for 35 years--for that entire time expecting her demise was no more than six months away. Then, just five years ago, her story took an unbelievable turn. I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't listened to her episode yet.

Jump now to 4:53-6:45 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Lise share what those many years of suffering taught her about the importance of facing the fear.

I don't know about you, but my knee-jerk reaction when fear shows up is to resist it, try to make it go away, or attempt to ignore it. But those efforts are like Lise's attempts to avoid the pointy tree; they actually give the fear more power in my life. Lise's exhortation to turn and face the fear head-on to see it for what it really is has been a tremendous boost for me this past year. And given what she had to endure to learn that lesson, there's a ton of credibility behind it.

What fear do you need to turn and face today?

So that's takeaway #1: Face the Fear.

Now, let's move on to takeaway #2, which I'm calling "Embrace the Mystery."

Takeaway 2: Embrace the Mystery

Imagine that you died and came back to life. How would it change the way you lived?

Joe Harsel, my guest on episode 011, doesn't have to imagine it. About three and a half years ago--just a day after getting a great report from his doctor at his annual well-check--Joe was walking up the sidewalk to his son's swim meet. A friend said hi, then Joe collapsed headlong--upright and breathing one moment and prostrate with no measurable vitals the next. For the next 30 minutes, Joe was clinically dead. Then, for no known reason, he came back to life in the back of the ambulance as he was being transported. To this day, why Joe experienced sudden cardiac death and then suddenly came back to life is a huge mystery.

Jump now to 8:21-9:51 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Joe share how the experience has taught him and his family to "embrace mystery."

Wow. I do NOT like this kind of mystery in life--not at face value, anyway. I want certainty, clear cause and effect. In Joe's case, his heart was in better shape than ever according to medical science's ability to determine--and yet it was his heart that gave out just 24 hours later. And it's still not clear why! That really messes with me. Especially given that my particular flavor of anxiety gravitates toward an inordinate fear of catastrophic health events.

But Joe's story forced me to face the mystery of life in a transformational way this past year. Timely, too, as we navigated the uncertainty of COVID. And today, when my old demands for certainty rear their head, Joe's exhortation to embrace the mystery--hard-won from his literal life-after-death experience--rings loud and clear in my heart and I'm able surrender my demands for certainty, embrace the mystery, and keep moving forward. Sometimes better than others, of course. But this has been an invaluable gift to me.

What's your relationship with life's mystery like?

Next up, Takeaway #3, which I'm calling "Let It Die," from a fascinating conversation I had with my friend and colleague, Rick Kahn. I listened to this episode no less than four times in the week following production because it was so impactful for me.

Takeaway 3: Let It Die

Rick Kahn is an outstanding executive coach for companies whose products and services we all use every day. His road from dyslexic middle child, high school drop-out, globetrotting spiritual seeker, and high-end custom home builder to the life he lives today based out of a quaint seaside town in Mexico is fascinating at face value. But add to that storyline two mind-blowing encounters with mortality separated by 30 years--and you've got a tale that's packed full of extraordinary lessons and wisdom for all of us.

In episode 013, Rick showed us how life is a series of necessary deaths that lead to fuller life before we depart planet Earth.

Jump now to 11:57-13:32 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Rick in his own words.

Sometimes, we hold onto something well beyond its useful purpose in our lives, and it holds us back from moving on to better things. Not to be too morbid...But it's like trying to take our dead dog out for a walk for days and weeks and even years after it's passed away. That's obviously nonsensical, but we do that in ways that are LESS obviously nonsensical in our lives every day. My relationship with soccer was that way, and in Rick's episode I share how finally letting soccer die in my life allowed new and better things to come to life.

What do you need to finally let die so that something new and better can come to life?

Moving on now to Takeaway #4, "There's Love Beneath the Waves," from my friend Matt Wilks' harrowing 7-year story of Job-like suffering.

Takeaway 4: There's Love Beneath the Waves

Matt Wilks is a physical therapist by trade who today serves as VP and Chief Rehabilitation Office for Sheltering Arms Institute--a cutting edge inpatient rehabilitation hospital in Richmond, VA. The story Matt shared in episode 20 is a firsthand report from the front lines of seven years of suffering. It's absolutely heart wrenching stuff. He invited us into the darkest moments--his own dark night of the soul--the triumphant moments, and much more in between to help us connect more powerfully with what matters most in life and what it's all about. In his modern-day story, we find ancient wisdom for living our most fulfilling and meaningful lives as humans on planet earth.

Jump now to 15:14-17:51 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Matt share how his dark night of the soul led him to discover that "there's Love beneath the waves."

My own journey in life has been permeated by a pretty strong sense of loneliness. "Aloneness" might be a better word, actually. The Anxiety I've known my whole life creates a sense of separation and isolation from others and the world around me because the war is waged internally. It's invisible to others, but it's very, very real and often very painful for me. That contributes a LOT to the "aloneness." I've also experienced a persistent sense of separation and disapproval from God--someone to whom Matt and I both give credit for our existence and with whom we one day hope to be reunited in perfection. I'm not saying, BTW, that I'm actually separated from God or disapproved of by him, but rather that this has been a troublesome ongoing internal struggle for me. And that, too, has created a long-standing and painful sense of aloneness. And a sense that it's ALL riding on my shoulders, on this or that decision in this moment, etc.

So, for Matt to have plumbed the depths of despair in his dark night of soul and discovered that, when all else is stripped away, there's still "love beneath the waves…" Well, that's a gift of immeasurable value for me. Both in being able to know that without going through the suffering that Matt has endured and in the actual knowledge that underneath it all, God is there sustaining me. I'm so grateful for that gift--made possible by Matt's courageous vulnerability in sharing his story.

When you look beneath the waves, what do you find?

Takeaway #5 came together courtesy of my friend and most recent guest, 25-year fire-service veteran, Tony Gonzalez, in episode 023. I call this takeaway "There's Magic in the Mundane." And it's also something that, in one way or another, EVERY guest on the podcast has emphasized in their own way. That makes this one an all-caps, bolded, underscored, italicized takeaway. Whatever we call it, it's one of the biggies that's emerged from almost a year of these conversations with people whose encounters with Mortality radically changed their lives..

Takeaway 5: There's Magic in the Mundane

When harrowing encounters with Death are a routine part of your job, how does it change the way you live?

Tony Gonzalez helped us answer that question and put the lessons he's learned to work in OUR lives right now.

Tony retired in 2017 as one of 8 battalion chiefs for the City of Denver. His peers and colleagues scratched their heads in disbelief when he made the decision to retire. It's far from the norm to exit the fire service at that point in your career. But Tony's many encounters with Mortality as a firefighter--one in particular that he shares in the interview--and others in his personal life had led him to dramatically re-evaluate things. And he left the fire service behind at the peak of his career to double-down on what matters most to him. He's never looked back.

Jump now to 20:55-21:56 in the episode audio using the player at the top of this page to hear Tony share what he's learned from being present with his family now more than ever before.

Tony's reminder--added to essentially the same exhortation from every other guest on this show so far--has helped me a ton. I can tend to get caught up in the big picture, ideals, and the world of ideas; persistently pursue a better future at the expense of the beauty that's right here now; to minimize the mundane in my zeal for what could be. But now, the mundane has a special place in my heart and life. Wrestling and rough-housing with my eight-year-old, taking shooting lessons with my 11-year-old, running around town doing errands with my wife; just passing time together without a specific purpose or objective in mind...I see the magic in those mundane moments now better than ever before. I have Tony and all of the guests who preceded him to thank for that change.

How much room do you make in your life for the magically mundane stuff of life?

That's a Wrap!

So there you have it--5 of my big takeaways from nearly a year of conversations with ordinary people who've had extraordinary encounters with Mortality.

What have a few of your big takeaways been?

Thank You and a Request

I want to publicly thank my guests--heroes in my eyes for the courage it took to share their stories. And I want to thank you, the listeners, for tuning in, taking to heart what you hear, and living with more guts, gusto, and abandon.

I also want to ask you for your help. If this podcast has helped you, would you help spread the word? Share an episode that was especially meaningful to you with just one other person, and ask them to consider doing the same. It's time for more of us to become the people we were made to be and live the lives we were made to live.

Remember, you ARE going to die. But you're not dead yet. So get after it!

I'd Love to Help You

My purpose as a coach is to help you live the life you know you were made to live--with guts, gusto, and abandon. Connect with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, visit my website, or email me. Go here to learn about Graveyard Group masterminds----where we make time each week to invest in your life's most important work.

Subscribe to Andrew Petty is Dying & Leave a Review!

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