Ashley Kelsch

Welcome back to the follow-up everyone's been asking for. After "Slut for Self-Help" became my most-listened-to episode ever, it's clear we've all been caught in the same cycle—consuming endless advice while staying stuck in the same patterns.

This week, I'm diving deeper into why we keep seeking external solutions instead of trusting our own wisdom. Spoiler alert: almost everything in the $50 billion self-help industry is just repackaged ancient wisdom with fresh branding and a fucking app.

What we're unpacking:

* Why the Glennon Doyle Substack drama perfectly illustrates how we try to control external circumstances to feel better internally (and why that never works)

* The one thing that has to happen BEFORE any book, podcast, or course will actually create lasting change

* How your brain literally evolves when you learn to think for yourself instead of following someone else's blueprint

* Why facing uncomfortable truths without immediately trying to fix them is the secret sauce nobody talks about

The bottom line: You already have more wisdom than you think. You just can't hear it over all the noise of seeking, fixing, and avoiding.

Be real with me - how many self-help books are sitting on your shelf right now collecting dust?

P.s—> I'm happy to announce I'm going back to the place men love to hate me—YouTube—to start posting videos as part of getting Unfucked in under 10 minutes a week. If you’re interested in receiving, click on the video above and subscribe!

Unfucking Midlife - Because midlife is a lot of things, but it doesn't have to be fucked.

In this episode, I get candid about my journey from being a "self-help slut" – constantly consuming personal development content, collecting certifications, and chasing the next breakthrough – to discovering that real transformation came from something much simpler.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:

* I reveal how I spent over $50,000 on certifications and countless hours consuming self-help content, yet still found myself repeating the same patterns with different names, zip codes, and job titles

* The wake-up call that made me realize all my sophisticated knowledge wasn't creating the changes I wanted

* How we use "sophisticated buffering" to distract ourselves from discomfort – not just through obvious escapes but through seemingly productive, socially acceptable activities

* Why the self-help industry thrives on convincing us the solution is in their system, when we already know what we need to do but aren't ready to do it

* The power of the "umm" moment in midlife – the pause where we don't know the answers yet and don't need to force them

* How sitting with uncomfortable feelings instead of trying to fix or escape them literally rewired my nervous system

* The "ancient technology" practices that actually created lasting change – available for free and requiring no special training

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

"You already know what you need to do. You're just not ready to do it yet."

"The $50 billion self-help industry thrives on convincing you the solution is in their system, their method, their framework. But what if the most radical act of self-help was simply being honest about what you already know?"

"The answers you're seeking aren't in another person's system. They're in the quiet space you've been avoiding."

"I spent the last 20-ish years making decisions from fear, scarcity and desperation... The unfortunate part of being in that negative state is that you can rarely make a positive decision from there."

"Midlife is when all our clever strategies start to break down. It's when we realize we can't outrun ourselves anymore."

If this episode resonated with you, please rate, review, and share with someone who might benefit from it. Your support helps more women discover how to unfuck their midlife.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

* COMPANION WORKSHEET: I know the irony in this but hey, for paying subscribers who I like to create extra value for, here is a guided worksheet to see if you can become less slutty with self-help and gain a little awareness on finding those answers within your UMMM practices —you’ll find it in the HERE.

In this week's episode of Unfucking Midlife, I sit down with my best friend and personal stylist extraordinaire, Laurel Kinney, for the conversation we promised you nearly a year ago (better late than never, right?).

After almost a decade of unfucking and styling life together, Laurel and I dive into her transformative journey from Austin hustler to Taos artist. What started as a pandemic escape evolved into a complete life reinvention when she decided to sell her Austin home and make Taos her permanent residence.

We explore how stepping away from hustle culture allowed Laurel to reconnect with her artistic passions and blend them with her styling expertise. She shares how her annual trips to a nudist camp surprisingly transformed her relationship with body image (in the best way possible), and yes, we both confess our newfound obsession with protein intake because... midlife.

Curiously, we realized after recording that we didn't discuss relationships or men at all—which, as I texted Laurel immediately after, "says a lot" about where our priorities truly lie these days.

Other topics include the unexpected challenges of homeownership, the emotional psychology behind shopping habits, and why midlife might actually be your most iconic era yet.

Whether you're contemplating a major life change or simply curious about what happens when two friends chat candidly about reinvention, this episode offers honest insights into making peace with change and embracing who you really are.

To learn more about Laurel and/or to follow instagram:

Laurel Kinney Personal Stylist

Laurel’s Personal Instagram

Laurel’s Painting Instagram

Share your thoughts in the comments—

What happens when we rethink love, relationships, and personal growth on our own terms?

In this episode, I’m re-airing my conversation with Molly Roden Winter, author of More: A Memoir of Open Marriage. Since our talk last year, her book has become a bestseller and a go-to reference for conversations about women reclaiming their sexuality in midlife.

Molly’s story isn’t just about open marriage—it’s about self-discovery, the emotional complexities of motherhood, and navigating relationships with honesty and resilience.

We discuss the fear of disrupting family harmony when adding a second child, only to realize love expands rather than divides. We also explore how long-term relationships teach us to navigate conflict, and how personal growth doesn’t follow a set path but unfolds in ways unique to each of us.

There’s humor, raw honesty, and an invitation to break free from societal norms—whether that means rethinking marriage, embracing personal freedom, or simply giving yourself permission to explore what truly makes you happy.

No matter where you stand on open relationships, there’s something here for anyone looking to untangle love, identity, and self-acceptance.

I’d love to hear your thoughts...

Have you read More: A Memoir of Open Marriage?

What parts resonated with you—or didn’t?

Could you relate to Molly’s experiences with love, motherhood, or personal growth?

How have your own relationships challenged or reinforced what you thought you knew about love and commitment?

Share your thoughts in the comments—I look forward to the discussion.

A 6’5” professional poker player, master mindset coach, and stroke survivor, Donna has spent decades studying the game of high-stakes decision-making. What she’s learned? Your mind is your greatest asset—and your biggest opponent.

“Poker is the ultimate metaphor for life,” she says. “It’s about patience, strategy, and knowing when to go all in. But the real game? It’s happening inside your head.”

The Mindset of a Winning Player (in Poker & Life)

Donna’s journey to mastering mindset didn’t begin at the poker table, but it was there that she honed the skills that would later save her life. When she suffered a stroke that left her unable to speak, she turned to the very techniques she had used to stay sharp under pressure. In the ultimate test of mental resilience, she reprogrammed her brain—one thought at a time.

So how do you train your mind like a pro? Donna shares three key principles:

* Control Your Inner Dialogue – In poker, doubting yourself costs you the game. In life, it keeps you stuck. Learn to reframe negative self-talk and play from a place of confidence.

* Know When to Fold (or Push Forward) – Recognizing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when to double down. Life, like poker, requires both boldness and discernment.

* Stay in the Game – Losing one hand doesn’t mean losing the game. Mental endurance is about refocusing after setbacks and making the next best move.

Want to Play to Win? Join Donna’s Free Masterclass

The greatest players—and the most successful people—understand that mindset is everything. If you’re ready to master yours, don’t miss Donna’s Speed Shift Yourself Talk Masterclass where she will teach you how to reframe self-talk, reprogram your subconscious, and play the game of life on your terms.

👉 Sign up today at www.donnablevins.com/speed. And for those ready to level up, there’s a special upgrade with exclusive coaching and bonus materials.

About Donna Blevins

Donna Blevins is a professional poker player, mindset coach, and transformational speaker who has spent decades helping people master the mental game—at the table and in life. A former journalist and competitive strategist, Donna took the lessons of high-stakes poker and applied them to personal growth, resilience, and self-leadership. After using her own techniques to recover from a stroke, she now teaches others how to rewire their self-talk, shift their subconscious programming, and bet on themselves.

👉 Follow Donna Here:

Instagram

Facebook

LinkedIn

YouTube

Thanks for tuning into this episode of Unfucking Midlife! This one’s on me so feel free to share it with someone! Let’s face it, Midlife is a mind fuck— we can’t Unfuck it alone!!

Summary of the Podcast

Today I am diving deep into the transformative power of combining cognitive work with nervous system regulation, especially in the context of dating, relationships, and healing trauma with Elisabeth Kristof, founder of Brain-Based Wellness and co-host of Trauma Rewired, the Apple Top 100 podcast.

Our conversation reveals why many people find themselves stuck in repeated patterns—like unhealthy relationship dynamics or emotional cycles—and how understanding the brain and body connection can help break free from them.

Tune in to gain a better understanding of how trauma and subconscious beliefs, often stored in the body, drive behaviors, even when we intellectually know better.

By addressing these deeper layers and equipping ourselves with tools to regulate the nervous system, it becomes possible to create healthier relationship patterns, build resilience, and open the door to meaningful change.

If you want to explore more of Elisabeth’s work, you can start with two weeks for free by going to Brain-Based Wellness.

What You’ll Discover:

* The Root of Relationship PatternsLearn how unresolved trauma and stored beliefs in the body can lead to repeated cycles of unhealthy relationships.

* The Role of the Nervous System in DatingDiscover how disregulation, such as being stuck in fight, flight, or freeze modes, can impact your ability to connect and create intimacy.

* Practical Tools for ChangeExplore actionable strategies to regulate your nervous system, process emotions, and develop a greater sense of safety in your body.

* Breaking the CycleUnderstand how integrating cognitive reframing with body-based practices can help you finally move past old patterns and step into healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

* Neuroplasticity in ActionGain insight into how the brain’s ability to adapt and rewire allows for profound, lasting transformation when paired with body-focused work.

By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with the knowledge and tools to start shifting ingrained patterns, make empowered choices in dating and relationships, and foster a deeper connection with yourself and others. Whether you’re recovering from past trauma or seeking to build healthier relationship habits, this podcast offers a roadmap for real, sustainable change.

Bio: Elisabeth from Brain-Based Wellness

Elisabeth Kristof, MA, is an expert in nervous system health for trauma resolution and behavior change. She is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains the nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance and increase well-being. She is co-host of Trauma Rewired, the Apple Top 100 podcast that teaches you about your nervous system, how trauma lives in the body and what you can do to heal.

Elisabeth is a certified applied neurology and somatic’s practitioner who has been in the wellness industry since 2007. She works with entrepreneurs, athletes, leaders and creatives to improve resilience, manage stress and regulate emotions through intentional, science-based brain training.

Her research and work with hundreds of clients taught her that healing and change must occur in both the body and the mind, that each body, mind, and nervous system is unique, and most importantly, that with the right tools, we are all capable of healing.

She is also the founder of Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Certification, an ICF-accredited course that teaches leading-edge, somatic coaching that creates client transformation from the body to the brain.

Learn more about her work and offerings at Brain-Based Wellness.

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

 Hey there, and welcome to Unfucking Midlife. I'm Ashley Kelsch your host, and I'm so excited you're here. Whether you're in midlife, approaching it or just curious about what it's all about, this podcast is for you.

Let's face it, Midlife is a mind fuck. It's the, um, phase of life, the pause where we stop, rethink, and figure out what's next.

It's a time of big shifts and transitions, and society has all these expectations about how we're supposed to age, how we're supposed to behave, what we're supposed to accept as our time is up.

 Honestly, I'm not here for that. This podcast is having real conversations and sharing raw stories about the stuff people don't always talk about.

We're diving deep into dating sex and relationships and what it actually looks like in midlife. I'll also touch on other topics like money, parenting and self-discovery.

 I'll be interviewing women who are out there living it, embracing it, and facing the challenges while rewriting the rules to live their truths.

These are the people who inspire me and I think they'll inspire you too. The best part, this isn't about pretending everything's perfect. It's about being real, being vulnerable, and finding connection and community in our stories.

A little bit about me. I'm a former lingerie and sexual wellness shop owner turned dating and relationship coach, writer, and podcast host.

I've spent years working with women, hearing their stories, and learning just how powerful it can be to open up about the stuff we're usually told to keep quiet. So what can you expect from Unfucking Midlife? You'll hear candid interviews, some solo episodes where I share my own experience and maybe even a few surprises along the way.

If you're ready to start Unfucking Midlife, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode.

Last week I found myself doing what I do when in “mom-mode”: Worrying.

It brought two things back to mind:

* My dad telling me Ash, 90% of what you fear will never happen. The other 10% will mostly be shit you get through. Haven’t we all been through some??

* An episode I recorded a few years ago about dating for partnership called, Plan Be. That’s right… like the verb.

RELATED ARTICLE: MOM, I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MARBLES

What a waste of our minds and time if we arrived to the future only to find that none of which we worried about ever happened. I know I would regret that…

Tune in today and find out why worrying about your relationships, dating, and future is distracting you from your life and how to intentionally focus on all you have right here and now. If it’s meant to be for your greater good, it will be, so I’m showing you how to trust in this and learn to be present with your life exactly as it is.

This works on ANY worry or problem you are mulling over today, my friend.

Enjoy!

xo, ash

Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Interested in Working Together?

If you are a middle aged woman or single mom who is emotionally overwhelmed trying to navigate dating, sex and relationships after years of committed partnership and feel you keeps ending up with the wrong ones, keep reading.

Introducing Begin Again, a personalized coaching experience tailored specifically for women who rush in blindly, feel like they lose themselves and are left questioning ‘what’s wrong with me?’

Imagine feeling secure in your decisions, trusting your intuition, and communicating your needs effectively.

That's the promise of Begin Again.

In six weeks, we'll unravel the patterns that have held you back, delve deep into your desires, fears, and boundaries, and emerge with a newfound sense of self-worth and confidence.

It's time to break free from the cycle of heartache and disappointment. You deserve relationships that lift you up, and I'm here to help you attract them.

Let's begin again—together.

For More Information Click Here

During the month of December I was laying in bed late night, scrolling my New Yorker magazine, when I came across an op-ed piece about the trending conversations around open marriage and polyamory. How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual non-monogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.

I, too, have noticed over the course of the last five years, that more people are open about being open. As opposed to before when people quietly shared with those they felt would keep their privacy or be interested in participating.

I’ve also noticed a series of personal paradigm shifts I’ve experienced over time in regards to the idea and practices.

There was a time that I would have said, that will never work.

Then there was a time when, as I witnessed more people telling me they were going to open up their relationship, I would wonder;

Is opening up a relationship the modern day ‘let’s have a baby’ attempt to save something that’s on its way out?

A band-aid for a bigger problem.

An opportunity to just fuck around.

Then there was a time - like a decades worth- at Teddies for Bettys where I heard about first hand encounters and experiences, (was asked for a lot of advice and had none to give) that I listened to, quite salaciously and couldn’t waiting for their next visit to find out what happened next. I. Was. Intrigued. and it wasn’t by the sex they were having.

It was more about the logistics, time and management. The mental and emotional bandwidth. All the people. I was tired for them.

Then there was the time I proposed to my partner the idea of us opening up our relationship. It was a naive request and I was ill prepared not only for what I was asking, but for the result of my asking.

I can see now how I offered it as a ‘solution’ to our already fragile relationship. please refer to the questions above in italics.

Then there was the time when I finally started to understand that life partnership and commitment is built on more than good sex.

THEN there was the time I realized, after being mostly single for a decade and dating, that I could identify with connecting emotionally with more than one person at a time; in being physical with more than one person; in sharing intimacy and parts of myself differently with one person vs another that I started asking the question:

Am I practicing polyamory, but as a single person? Is that a thing? Am I monogamish? An Ethical Slut?

I started to educate and inform myself on the practices and began applying them to my dating life. 

But through all of my brains evolution and opening to the practice, there was one question that kept me a little curious, maybe even skeptical that I was unable to resolve within myself that I wanted answered;

What keeps two people together if they are not only seeing and sleeping with others, but in love with them as well? I remained a little skeptical.

Which brings us to the New Yorker piece…

Would the journalist behind this essay have the answers to my semi-closed-minded, inexperienced entry-level question? The short answer?

No.

But it did make mention of a new book called More; A Memoir of Open Marriage. A New York Times bestseller about a married mother of two children who, with her husband's encouragement, decides to embark on a journey of opening their marriage.

It’s funny now to write this, but after reading the review I briefly wondered if I should give it the book a read. There was this feeling of get it and at the same time, something pushed back against the idea.

I watched the two opposing thoughts arise:

maybe this is a practice I should work on opening my mind towards if I want to ‘spend my life’ with someone.

and

I’m personally not interested in being with or having more than one partner.

It was decided. I would not read it.

Less than a week later, a post came through from fellow Substack writer, Tolly Mosely of Submit Here She was introducing a series on non monogamous moms and was asking her readers for their experience -or opinion on- being non monogamous.

Without thinking I replied:

I never label(ed) myself and am not entirely sure if non monogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used; autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc when dating and in a relationship. All of which should be used regardless but people (subconsciously) resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.

What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.

When I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until they were out of the home, I was seen as selfish.

The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment. And envy from a lot of women.

I was personally able to overcome this, but still, it was not lost on me.

I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to experience and explore their sexuality, fear and so much more -it starts to take them down and they can’t understand why they don’t feel more excited, free and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple persons. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.

Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers specifically in our culture on what is acceptable vs not. One that I hope through my writing, work and example will get knocked down.

Not long after another post was published by Tolly. It was the start of her series and included my quote - along with the mention of her friend, Molly R Winter, the author of More.

Wait, What? Isn’t that the name of the woman from the New Yorker post? Who wrote the book… I quickly looked her up. It was.

I couldn’t help but lean into the nudge I was feeling from the universe. I went out and purchased the book.

A book I couldn’t put down; her dating life as a mother in her thirties was all too relatable.

TBH, I love reading educational content that provides data, history, maybe even some science, to inform me on how things work. BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE ARE MEMOIRS. I want to know the empirical data; I want to learn from someone else’s experience; how they survived the thing; an in depth look from top to bottom, back up and some added sideways perspective.

I had to talk to Molly.

I wanted to tell her how much I loved that she didn’t hold back talking about the sex she had. 

And OMG! I felt all that anxiety and shame dating as a mother and a woman too!

But what I really wanted to know was…

What kept you and your husband together?

And from what I read, with her experience, she would know.

Molly’s answer to that question is absolute GOLD. Much of what she said is and can be applied to nearly any life or relational experience.

It’s exceptionally useful to apply to your dating and love life regardless of your current status; it’s low-key a self help book as Molly openly shares the inquiry and discovery process she went through with her therapist, mother, husband and others.

It’s a book about womanhood.

I high-key recommend you read it. 

And of course, I insist you listen to our conversation. 

Molly delivers wisdom left and right. 

I’m still not interested in opening up my relationship ( most of you know how long it took me to be interested in the idea of partnership! 😂)

BUT I am no longer skeptical about why others do and what keeps them together.

Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Today I’m joined by Molly Roden Winter, author of the NYTimes bestseller, More; A Memoir of Open Marriage, for an enlightening conversation about yes- her open marriage but mostly her  personal awakening and self discovery process she experienced through her 30’s - 

I don’t think it matters if you are single, divorced, married, poly, considering non monogamy, or monogamish to appreciate her journey to Self.

A Self that understands she is responsible for her own happiness regardless of her relationships. Something far too many of us outsource from others.

RELATED 🎧: Ep 2 UNCOVERING & OVERCOMING SHAME

About: Molly Roden Winter is the author of the New York Times bestseller, MORE: A Memoir of Open Marriage. Her essays have appeared in Time, The Cut, Romper, and elsewhere. She lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, with her husband and two part-time roommates also known as her sons.

Molly’s Website

Follow Molly’s Instagram

Subscribe to Molly’s Newsletter

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good

Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.