From mass resignations at the CDC to Trump’s bizarre idea of holding national party conventions before the midterms, things in D.C. are getting weird. Patrick Gutfield breaks down RFK Jr.’s attempt to fire CDC Director Susan Monarez, the total reshuffling of the vaccine advisory committee, and why doing things that are illegal and anti-science seem to be this administration’s favorite hobby. Plus: Jen Psaki warns Trump could rig the next election, thanks to the appointment of conspiracy theorist Heather Honey to Homeland Security. And yes, we’re just as concerned about her name as you are.

Trump rage-posts about Seth Meyers at two AM like your weird uncle arguing about traffic lights on Facebook. Former SNL cast member Beck Bennett reveals Elon Musk was somehow worse to work with than Donald Trump - and that's saying something. Plus, Trump's team insists he's "inexhaustible" while photoshopping his swollen ankles out of official White House photos. And the President of the United States personally intervened to save Uncle Herschel from corporate rebranding hell at Cracker Barrel. Because apparently that's what passes for foreign policy these days.

Patrick Gutfield breaks down Trump's surprising blessing of the Swift-Kelce engagement, the administration's catchy new names for detention centers (from "Alligator Alcatraz" to "Cornhusker Clink"), Vanity Fair's staff meltdown over a potential Melania cover, JD Vance's creative take on World War Two history, and America's first case of screwworm - because nothing says "welcome to Twenty Twenty Five" like flesh-eating parasites and government trolling.

Marc Maron took aim at Bill Maher on Pod Save America, calling him “desperate” and accusing him of chasing relevance at any cost. Meanwhile, ICE accidentally turned a routine arrest photo into the internet’s latest thirst trap, Donald Trump threatened to revoke ABC and NBC’s FCC licenses over “fake news,” and RFK Jr. is reportedly plotting a COVID-19 vaccine ban. All that and more with Patrick Gutfield.

Cracker Barrel ditches grandma’s kitchen vibes for a sleek new logo, and the internet unleashes its full fury. Trump reportedly freaked out over clean sheets, locked his own bedroom door against the Secret Service, and possibly hides the Epstein Files under his mattress. MSNBC accuses him of ankle concealment, and the White House hilariously plays along. Meanwhile, a federal judge shuts down Florida’s “Alligator Alcatraz” detention center… because you can’t build a prison in a swamp and pretend it’s not federal.

Trump patrols the streets of D.C. with the military and celebrates “law and order” with a Shake Shack run. Meanwhile, the Vice President launches a crackdown on sunlight, banning “Solar” in all-caps, and Kamala Harris embarks on a 15-city book tour that somehow includes London. Also: the State Department decides to re-vet 55 million visa holders just in case, and no, you still haven’t heard about the Epstein Files.

Trump wants to paint the border wall black because it gets hot—just like science says—and Jack White has thoughts about the new Oval Office, which now resembles a pro wrestler’s dressing room designed by Liberace. Meanwhile, Delta and United are being sued for selling “window seats” that don’t come with actual windows. It’s a big week for style over substance, beige walls over actual views, and gold over good taste.

From Washington, where even the planes are lying to you, this is Ballot.

Donald Trump is furious that museums dare to talk about slavery, calling the Smithsonian “OUT OF CONTROL” and demanding more exhibits about “Success” and “Brightness.” Meanwhile, Oklahoma unveils a fifty-question anti-woke purity test for teachers that was cooked up by PragerU—because nothing says academic rigor like a quiz your uncle found on Facebook.
Also: why Trump’s idea of “helping” Ukraine is basically cheerleading from 30,000 feet, and how one multiple-choice test thinks “In God We Trust” is in the Constitution. It’s a real day in America, folks.

President Trump welcomes Ukrainian President Zelensky and top European leaders to the White House in a flashy attempt at diplomacy—no yelling this time! Trump pitches a Putin-Zelensky-Trump summit while Europe floats “Article Five-like” promises no one can define. Plus: Trump’s awkward Nobel Prize cold-call to Norway, and MSNBC’s wild corporate rebrand to “MS NOW.” Is peace on the table or just another TV special? And did someone say… Epstein files? All that and more, on Ballot.

British Foreign Secretary David Lammy and U.S. Vice President JD Vance got busted for fishing without licenses, sparking fines and a very “chummy” press conference. Vance’s trip got worse: he was rejected by a Michelin-rated pub, faced a protest called “Dance Against Vance,” and ended up retreating to Trump’s Turnberry golf course. Meanwhile, Trump celebrated Social Security’s 90th anniversary by calling Elizabeth Warren a “nutjob” who needs a drug test, while bragging about kicking 275,000 “illegal aliens” off Social Security.