just cause of Megadeath's song was in my head.

He once made me a xmas gift for me he said. Play person played a recording of a song he 'made for me'. I think my brain took 'made about me' and turned it into 'for me'. I never heard it again even though my gift and I've asked a couple of times for it. I suspect, with thoughts that it was for his friends about me.

A lump in my throat.

My fantasies are out of control.

I now keep a mental list active with our incompatibilities as a reminder he's not a fit for me. Ok for a play but not the person I see helping me co create a partnership. On that list a reminder his voice telling me, I take the word 'partner' too literally; which is why I refer to him as play person. Hilarious when words are taken too literal. Yet with this list I know too that I could talk myself out of this dynamic, so I end it with, "This journey is about discovering not deciding." He's wants to be a npc. It's about me.

Part of the autism is the ability to lose myself in fantasy. Because of this your words, your profile, your actions I keep so close to my face there is no room to fantasize you being anything other than what you continue to show me. This is how I decide how active or inactive I want you in my life and at what capacity. This will help in any future suffering I may have. This will also help me when dating. I already noticed during a wonderful 2 hour phone call a fantasy about a person rising then I shot down quickly because he is married/enm and I am looking for a partner free person.

He ended it before we in person met. No back date even. Great phone connections, chemistry, even good communication. Days later, he messaged me his list of reasons why it wouldn't work.

Not heart broken, scarred a little. I cried. A lot I cried.

Then realized that door closing means there are so many here left unopened! Desensitizing rejection. And finding wholeness in that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

One reason, his last, did he save the best for last? My worst. I'm old. He said he lost interest hearing my age, 51. Still isn't landing well.

I continue.

becoming undone...nah

to be continued...

Until the flip.

Thank you for being here...

I could use a love letter of hope

PO BOX 1407

Lake Stevens WA 98258

I took an erotic touch class then stayed for the party after. An experience. Pleasant. Eye opening. And concluded, I if were to be a slut I would need to dissect the heart from the body; orgasms from strangers are not a thing for me. I don't even want to desensitize my heart to keep trying to have heartless orgasms. I think I'm too on the spectrum, a heart to heart connection helps me get out of my space, sharing this beautiful experience of connection deeply with another.

It was a good time. I was the only solo female out of only 3 of us. The two men that gave me the erotic touch were great communicators and took care of me with making sure it stayed just the 3 of us. They asked what they could do for me after my orgasm which reminded me to get back into body, they even held me and rubbed my back when I cried.

My orgasm was a long intense release, primal noises from me I've only heard one other time when play person gave me one. And he certainly was in my head every now and then with more questions about his connection to me and realizing the church no longer affecting me I didn't feel guilt. In fact it felt good to have the space to explore, free from guilt to decide yes I am in fact NOT a swinger.

I am not a solo exhibitionist, I would absolutely love for others to witness the energy play person brings out of me when I worship him. There was no piv and I had no desire to worship another. Erotic touch with strangers without orgasms for me would be ok to do again sometime.

Thanks for being here!

To add, the term 'body count' is awful to me, I value highly sexual intimacy and sexual acts with another. People to me are not disposable products. Also when I say low value in the audio I want add, doing something so frequently without forethought, mindlessly more out of habit or addiction without conscious awareness is a low value action/activity to me.

I have a new podcast I've been following, it's about men. I want to learn all I can to help me become a better partner. This episode about body counts and why it matters to men really activated me. The gate keeping and self victimizing triggered me into a response. And as usual, when I speak from my heart space I can even give myself a soft space to grow. In a matter of minutes my one way thoughts become inclusive of other perspectives.

I have a past, you do also. We're here in front of each other in relationship, how I see it, is we leveled up for new lessons or new tools to help with older stories.

Thanks for being here~

'cause I don't know what I'm doing

learning about myself and relationships and laughing along the way

are my favorites~