Becoming Whole

Is lust okay in marriage? That’s a loaded question.

Dan Keefer joins the podcast to unpack the answer.

Stopping to consider lust in your marriage may be new to you. We’ll take the first step to define and understand what lust means. There are so many layers. And this conversation is careful to help you understand them. Picking and choosing parts of your spouse to focus on deconstructs the person you married.

We’re going to look at your spouse and lust more thoughtfully. We’ll go beyond fantasy so sexual intercourse becomes an expression of connection versus selfish wants. This look at lust points out it’s what we do with it; using phrases like “If Only…Then” can take our good, God-given desire and steer it somewhere it doesn’t belong. 

So, is lust okay in marriage? Let’s listen and find out.

Highlights:

Lust is using another person or using their image for selfish, sexual gratification

Sexual Intimacy: Something that is born out of the relationship, born out of the connection. out of seeing one another

Lust: comes from a heart of dissatisfaction, taking an aspect of another person and believing that IF ONLY this were different, THEN I would be in a better spot

If this is challenging and you are looking to go deeper, try Manna for Men & Oasis for Women.

Homework:

• “An act of selflessness has the potential to build desire.” What do selfless acts look like in your marriage day to day? (Setting the coffee machine the night before, doing the dishes, filling up the gas tank, scheduling a date night)
• Rather than acting with the end goal of having sex; shift to consider what would it look like to build desire in the moment.
• HOLD HANDS with your spouse: allow yourself to be saturated in the oxytocin that’s released from intertwining your fingers & saturated in the oneness of that intimacy.

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

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Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Recovery from unwanted sexual behavior is up to you. And only you can know how much of “you” is going into the work. It's about postures of recovery.

In this episode, Josh and Kit examine a few postures toward recovery and how to readjust for lasting impact.  

This important journey is about more than trying to quit a bad habit. True healing hinges on your posture. How vulnerable are you? Who are you doing this for?  

We are digging deep into these questions with you. We pray you feel brave enough to recognize your motivation, honest enough to acknowledge your true level of commitment, and willing to stretch into a posture for true recovery. 

God is inviting you to more.

Highlights:

Postures of Recovery: If I’m really doing the work of recovery, it means that I am literally walking places, looking at parts of my life, talking about things that I may have never looked at, talked about or walked through before and that takes courage.

Shallow recovery is like weeding, whereas real recovery is more like excavation

The reality of recovery is it extends beneath the ground in all sorts of directions and so, in recovery, we’re looking for roots.  It isn’t about going in and plucking a weed.

Reflection:

What am I learning that I need to do for my sake to become the whole person that I was meant to become?

Why are you in recovery, because you don’t want to repeat that behavior anymore? Or are you in recovery to get more out of life?

EXTRAS

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives; vulnerability is the path.” 

Brené Brown “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.”

Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Desire is one of those touchy subjects no one really wants to touch. But we’re going there. 

Depending on the way you were raised; you might consider desire to be mysterious or dirty or something to be quiet about. 

In this audio snippet from our latest video, Kit and Rebecca are putting the subject of desire front and center. That deep down longing is part of your special wiring and it is worth exploring. 

Desire is spiritual, emotional, and physical - that means facing it is a vital part of your spiritual journey.  If you’re battling unwanted sexual behavior, let this conversation guide you into your own conversation with God about how your desire feels distorted. If you’re a parent, listen in for ways to understand your own desire and guide your children with more compassion. 

Have you considered bringing your desires before your Heavenly Father? God knows your deepest longings because He instilled them in you. 

Let’s reframe how we look at Desire. Press Play.

Highlights:

It takes a lot of work to connect what you need with what your body is telling you.

What we really need is to feel safe, to feel comfort, to not feel alone - acknowledging that can feel really vulnerable and we have to slow down to get there.

Naming the deeper longings we have can lead to deeper intimacy with God. And can be a very healing and spiritual part of our journey.

Reflection:

Desire is pointing you towards something.  Take time to ask God these questions:

What am I searching for? What are my unmet needs?

What are my deeper longings?

What did I learn as a child about desire? How did it impact my desire today?

Who is the person God created me to be?

EXTRAS

Where Do I Start? Becoming a Woman of Sexual Integrity Free video series

Where Do I Start? Becoming a Man of Sexual Integrity Free video series

“The Glory of God is man fully alive.” Saint Irenaeus

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Infidelity can feel as crushing and disorienting as an earthquake. Sexual Betrayal is trauma. To help us navigate the aftershocks of discovery and pain; we’ve invited Dr. Barbara Steffens to the podcast. The Earthquake of Sexual Betrayal.

As the founder of the APSATS, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, Dr. Steffens points out this is more than relationship counseling. She walks us through sexual betrayal with both the expertise of a trained clinician and the heart of a woman who has been betrayed. The earthquake of infidelity is unexpected. 

In the midst of your disorientation; we hope you’ll take this unique and deep offering as a first step to understanding your pain in a new way.  And then, use it as a launching point to move you in your next steps to “Becoming Whole.”

If you want to read more on this topic, you can at Why You’re Still Angry at Your Recovering Spouse.

Highlights:

If we don’t understand it as trauma, what had been happening is that the focus goes onto the betrayed partner that says, “What was wrong with you that you would choose someone who would do this to you?”If Christians begin to practice thinking and talking about sex as a form of self-giving love, that’s what sex is designed to be.

Once we understand that this is trauma it provides hope because we know how to heal. This is my body given for you - given is the operative word

The aftershocks are usually finding out more information and the partner will ask questions. What does it lookIf Sex is an act of self-giving love, then tonight we didn’t reach climax but I’m going to love you where you are tonight. I’m going to love you in this space.

Homework:

Here are some professional options to explore: 

• “Therapeutic Disclosure “ – a process facilitated by a trained professional for your spouse (if willing) to offer a planned, intentional way to disclose the truth.
• Couples Crisis Intervention
• Group Therapy

Resources:

“Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal” by Dr Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., LPCC

https://www.drbarbarasteffens.com

Other resources we recommended for Marriage Recovery.

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Calling all husbands and wives - “Does Your Marriage Need a Different Sexual Lens?” 

Josh recently shared this question through a thoughtful article on the Regeneration Ministries website. And today, Josh and Kit are unpacking what it means so you can experience sex in a better way with your spouse. 

Our culture tends to put expectations sex - what it should look like, what you should look like, how you should feel, when it should happen, even how often it should happen. Sex is all about what you get out of it. 

In this conversation, we’re hoping to shift our gaze from what the world tells us about sex and ask our Creator what He means it to be instead.  

That’s where the shift comes in.  

The different lens we’re exploring transfers sex from self-serving opportunity to an opportunity to give of yourself. When you strip away the societal constructs to allow yourself to be naked in more than a physical way; you are then able to gift yourself to your spouse in a way that brings freedom and love and appreciation. The world entangles insecurity into sex. 

Allow the challenge in this episode to invite depth and vulnerability and delight for you and your spouse.

Highlights:

If Christians begin to practice thinking and talking about sex as a form of self-giving love, that’s what sex is designed to be.

This is my body given for you - given is the operative word

What does it lookIf Sex is an act of self-giving love, then tonight we didn’t reach climax but I’m going to love you where you are tonight. I’m going to love you in this space.

Homework:

Lay down the comparison of friends’ marriages or sex lives.

Pray and practice against Coveting. The words “If Only” can be like flags warning that you are wanting what others have; be aware and take notice of what you have in your spouse and in your marriage.

Take notice and ask yourself: What is our marriage like? How are we uniquely ourselves in this marriage?

Practice delighting in your spouse (laying aside criticism and comparison); what about your spouse first attracted you? What attracts you now? Be aware of parts of him/her, things about their voice and personality. Then share it with him/her.

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

If you are saying “I can’t handle this. I can’t control this. I don’t have answers.” It sounds like you may be at the end of you.  How do you get from there to admitting, “It’s okay that I’m not okay.” There’s a lot of work involved.

That “at the end of you” feeling coupled with ongoing recovery work towards sexual integrity or for saving your marriage can feel overwhelming. 

We pray this episode comes alongside you. Listen in as we turn to Psalm 131 and find an invitation to go beyond the practical day-to-day work towards recovery and go beyond the end of you. Your Heavenly Father wants more than recovery for you. He also wants wholeness for you and with you. 

Josh and Kit point out the invitation to be small in the midst of big anxiety and temptation. We need to be willing to understand some of the ways we haven’t been able to humble ourselves, then surrender to God and trust Him with these big things. This is deep, inner work - releasing your ability to fix it and your grip on a fixed outcome to a God you may not trust in this moment. 

Your Heavenly Father wants more for you; becoming whole means going beyond existing, peace does not come from an outcome and when you find yourself at the end of you, if you’re heart is willing; you will find God.

Highlights:

At some point in time, in any given tragic situation in life we come to the end of ourselves. And we have to admit that.

Pain and our ability to feel pain is a gift from God because it alerts us that there is a problem.

What does it look like to be at the end of yourself? I can’t manage this. I can’t control this. I don’t have answers.

Homework:

Quiet yourself now. Invite God’s presence in & pray this invitation to be small.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents.

My heart is not proud, Lord,

    my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

    or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

    I am like a weaned child with its mother;

    like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord

    both now and forevermore.

A Prayer: “Lord what do I need? How do I need to understand who I am and how I respond? How do I learn to trust you and believe you and your promises more than I want this circumstance or outcome?

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

We Are All Searching For Meaning.

Right now, let’s take notice. For this next half hour together, let’s be aware of that need deep inside you. And this time, let’s promise to not look away but to be present and understanding because you are a person of great worth. 

Your habit of turning to pornography or hooking up is more than an unwanted sexual behavior. That pattern in your life is connected to a desire for worth. But searching for a sense of calling is not limited to just you. 

Googling “How do I find purpose,” comes in with more than 10,880,000,000 results. We are all searching for meaning.

Sometimes, that lack of mission can become a trigger for unwanted sexual behaviors. On this episode, Josh and Kit ask important questions while coaching you through taking time to listen for your own answers. Fruitfulness is attached to our sexuality. Futility can take that sideways into things like porn and more. 

Beloved one, there is a tension between the fruitful and futile. Let’s explore and learn together on this episode of “Becoming Whole.”

Highlights:

When we’re struggling with sin, we’re searching for something. We’re searching for some foundation, some meaning.

It’s built into us to be pursuing meaning and fruitfulness in our lives

Going to pornography, maybe even the type of pornography you choose can create a sense of having power

Homework:

• Rather than vilify the unwanted sexual behaviors you’re looking to; Let’s stop and figure out the WHY. Ask yourself: What is my fantasy pointing me to? Now that you’ve named it, what do you do with it?
• Can you receive this message from God today: I value you so much as a beloved son or as a beloved daughter. You are free to take risks, to experience, to try, to fall to get back up. Because I want your life to have meaning. I’ve created you for meaning, with meaning.
• Today, think of one way You can live with purpose.  Think simple - a phone call, a written note, etc.

Resources/Extras:

Jay Stringer Unwanted: How sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Is lust truly every man’s battle? Generally speaking, lust gets put in a “Men Only” category. Maybe that’s because of the idea that men are more visual than women and thus more prone to this disordered desire. 

On this episode of “Becoming Whole,” Josh and Dan distinguish desire from lust imploring accountability and honesty. The world tells us men are bound to fall into lust but this conversation hopes to refute that toxic message and help you break free. 

This is not about condemnation. 

Consider this episode more of an ongoing invitation to becoming whole, looking beyond your disordered desire to connect with the freedom and honor God has for you.

Highlights:

Lust dehumanizes the person. It reduces them to be an object of desire, an object to be consumed. It also dehumanizes the person who is doing the lusting, it reduces who he is as a man.

Love always sees the whole person. Love does not use another person. Love actually tries to be self giving.

When a man lusts, even though it might feel natural, it might feel like this is what men do; he’s actually sinning against his own eyes, his own heart, his own mind, his own body.

Homework:

• Questions for Reflection: Does your picture of this other person include reality: that he or she wakes up in the morning with messy hair and bad breath? that sometimes they get sick? Does it include that they have a heart, that they have longings? Does it include that they have a past? And they have a mother and a father? 
• Be Aware of the two words: IF ONLY. Jesus invites us to be present where we are. The words “If only” take us and the person we’re lusting OUT of the present.
• Pray, “I want to be the kind of man Jesus was.”

Resources/Extras:

Proverbs 27:20 “Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.”

1 Corinthians 6:12 “’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, ‘Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.’ The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore,honor God with your bodies.”

Matthew 6:22 "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.”

Luke 7:44 “Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman?’” 

Job 31:1-4 “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman. For what is our lot from God above, our heritage from the Almighty on high? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Does he not see my ways and count my every step?

Transcription:

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

We are designed for hugs and holding hands and more. Touch IS a good gift from God. Healthy touch! 

Maybe this truth has you clenching your jaw but don’t be too quick to run away from this conversation. Your current sexual addiction or your past sexual trauma may have twisted the idea of touch into dark confusion and shame. 

If so, please stay. Perhaps you’re one of the many people during this pandemic going long stretches of time without an embrace, please stay. Touch and longing are not easy topics to bring up in conversation. 

So, let this episode with Josh, Kit and Kyle be a starting point for you. We pray you won’t stay stuck in the messages about sexual desire from the world or how your family of origin framed it. We pray you will learn to understand basic desire as good and avoid the dangerous turns of shame.  

For now, quiet the other messages on desire and invite God to tell you His truth for you and your body.

Highlights:

God created us for touch. Touch is actually really important and very good.

We paint people as the danger. What we want to do is untwist the misdirected desire away.

There’s a narrative in our culture that limits us in our thinking on sexual arousal. The cultural narrative on sexual arousal tells us, limiting us to “This is who you are. This is who you want. This is pointing you towards utmost satisfaction.”

Homework:

1. Inviting God into your moments of longing creates an ongoing conversation. So, when you do need Him, He can say; “Oh we know what that is. We’ve talked about that before. I’m here for you. I’m in this. Remember, here’s how we think about it.”

Here are some prayers:

• Lord, I’m sensing something that in my heart I know is not appropriate for this moment. Lord, help me to redirect. Help me to see this person through your eyes and not my own. Help me to recognize this is one of your image bearers and to see them as You see them.
• Lord, I know that at the heart of this is my desire to experience beauty and so this is the reaction I get when I see your beauty but Lord I want to be able to see beauty in a way that doesn’t defile.

2. You’ve heard our conversation on Healthy Touch. Now, we encourage you to find safe places to keep talking about these things- mentor, spiritual director or spiritual coach.

Resources/Extras:

John 13:25 tells us the apostle John was resting on the breast of Jesus.  That was a place he went to for comfort. God gave us imaginations. He allows us to insert ourselves into Scripture so maybe that’s a means of comfort in times of longing.

Transcription:

Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

An anonymous question came in through the Regeneration Ministries blog setting the stage for this conversation “…Why does God set one free from sin and stronghold immediately and not another?“ Why are we waiting for healing and other's aren't?

If you keep struggling with sexual sin and have watched others gain freedom; that can feel hard. 

On this episode of “Becoming Whole,” Josh and Kit tackle the mystery of healing and the ‘why’s’ that can come with it. Listen in as they navigate the touchy questions like “Is it something you earn? Why don’t I deserve it?” 

It can feel like there’s an unevenness in healing. But, witnessing someone else’s freedom from sexual sin while you keep struggling shouldn’t lead to condemning God or you. 

God has a different experience for you. 

If you are longing to find freedom, we pray this conversation softens your heart to see the Hope available for you.

Highlights:

When we start interpreting our experience of not being set free from something with an angle that either accuses us or accuses God; that’s an indicator that the enemy is getting his own opinion in there that’s unhelpful.

The way God heals one person is not the way, necessarily He heals every person.

There are different layers of what needs to be sanctified, what needs healing, what needs transformation in our lives.

Homework:

Self Reflection: Are you speaking failure over your habits and patterns? 

Try using different language around your sins and habits. 

Practice saying: “Today, I’ve struggled this way” instead of “This is my struggle.”

Find people to remind you of God’s kindness.

Pick any two or three of these verses and pay attention to the details (who was asking for healing, what their condition was, the method Jesus used) -  John 2:1-11, John 4:46-47, Luke 5:1-11, Mark 1:23-28, 30-31,40-45, Matthew 8:5-13, Luke 7:11-18, Matthew 8:23-27, Matthew 8:28-34, Matthew 9:1-8, 18-26, Luke 8:43-48, Matthew 9:27-31, 32-33, John 5:1-9, Matthew 12:10-13, 22, Matthew 14:15-21, Matthew 15:22-28, Mark 7:31-37, Matthew 15:32-39, Mark 8:22-26, Matthew 17:14-21, John 9:1-38, Luke 13: 10-17, Luke 14:1-4, Luke 17:11-19, John 11:1-46, Matthew 20:30-34, Matthew 21:18-22, Luke 22:50-51, Luke 24:5-6, John 21:1-14 

Jesus healed a lot of people from a multitude of ailments, at varying stages of sickness, using a lot of different methods. Considering all the details of these stories is a way to appreciate the mystery of Jesus’ healing.

Resources/Extras:

Romans 2:4 “Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?”

It’s the kindness of God that leaves us to repentance. You can’t outrun God’s grace.

Transcription:
Full Transcription Available here

Original music by Shannon Smith. Audio engineering by Gabriel @ DelMar Sound Recording.

Support Becoming Whole

Talk To US

2026 Upcoming Retreats - Register Today!

Sacred By Design Women's Retreat  | October 17th

Free Resources to help you on your journey to Becoming Whole:

👉Men's Overcoming Lust & Temptation Devotional
👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)