This week on "Intervention For Crank Addicts," we: put nail polish on our smallie candies before popping them, try to figure out what an internet angling celebrity’s been smoking, suffer through the trauma of docking and dining, and discover that Tylenol isn’t getting anyone tweaked on fish news.

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This week on "Bad News Bass," we: tell you where to find the last living fish in the U.S., take a venomous catfish spine to the naughty bits, suffer the bite of a fake European fish on the other naughty bits, and hate ourselves for not paying more attention at night school.

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At this week’s cookout we: chew the bluefish fat with Brad Leone, boost our nitrates to life-threatening levels to catch more channel cats, bob for largemouths in red gravy, and roast up some mystery tuna.

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This week on "Financial Advice For. . ." we: sell everything we have in rubber worms to buy more Flex Seal, kickstart our fly business with a dollar on a string, dump our time share at a glorified pay lake, and invest in the future of coral reefs. 

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This week on Paranormal Panfishing we: use our alpha brain waves to pull Bigfoot out of the riprap, conduct a Loch Ness-style hunt for a mythical smallmouth, set our copper-protected spring bulbs to kill mode, and explore a black hole for 30 to 40 seconds before deciding we’ve seen worse places.

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This week on Home Shopping for Hook Sharpeners, we've got: lawn chairs you won’t find in any fly shop, a doorbell that lets eels get on with their lives, the perfect pocket accessories for your favorite jean jacket, and a spotted fish you can thank the French for discovering.

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This week, at the bottom of the bait freezer, we’ve got: half-priced shrimp soaked in ant poison, bloodworms in need of a weed detox, grasshoppers that will still work OK if you just pay attention to your butt, and 393 extra perch harvested by a Michigan poacher that probably doesn’t care if you hate him.

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This week, we ponder the true meaning of Memorial Day with an influencer’s ode to the song "Oh No," a sinking bar that probably won’t be crowded this weekend, the technology that may finally let you take your pet fish for a walk, and some sagely wisdom about true service and the healing power of canoes.

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This week, we flip some float switches by indicating more strikes against Tenkara, dip into the secret lives of half-caffeinated fly shop workers, slip a wedding ring around a mullet and pray it doesn’t get mowed by a trevally, and bob around in a sea of stupid comments about the Fonz.

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In this week’s fireside chat: We share a “cuppa tea” with the poet laureate of Craig’s List as he explains the golden trout-Jesus connection, appeases the Bahamian government with a real fast canoe, and salutes the most fish-taggingest sumbitch in Virginia.

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