Beyond Lady Pandora

It really f*cking amazes me that a man can honestly convince himself that he is just so amazing that he can hurt you, become a threat to your children, generally be a complete a**hole and somehow you will magically just want him. This is the case with pretty much every man I've ever been with. The whole lot of them, if you strung their brains all together, I'd still be smarter than them without even bloody trying. It's sad, it really is, because the truth is that a woman like me wants a strong man, yes.. but you have to have a good brain, a good head on your shoulders. You can be a tiger in bed but you better be able to hold a conversation and be willing to learn. I want depth, complexity, intelligence, wisdom.. I want it all and I will not accept less than I deserve for very long. The truth is, if you ain't got it all and I was single, you were a f*cking toy, temporary, plastic. Don't be surprised now, men have done it for generations. Being born with t*ts really changes sh*t in the overview of human complexity, who you are, or what you need. If I have tossed you to the side, stay there because trust me, I'll hurt your feelings if you come back. I'm not a princess, I'm not a crying maiden waiting to be saved. I'm a warrior, I've found someone who can actually stand beside me and take my back. That is so bloody rare in this world. It took over 40 years to find him and trust me when I say, I have his back 100%. Loyalty is everything and the fact is, I give that right up until you yourself show me that you are undeserving of my loyalty. I absolutely believe that he is the one, that rare gem, that will never become undeserving of my loyalty and love. You'll hear all about him later.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/10/02/beyond-lady-pandora-episode12a/

I want to take just a moment to draw you in to my story. It's one thing to hear or read about things happening to someone else from a safe distance and place but completely another to be inside of it. So, close your eyes for a moment. Just bare with me on this. Close your eyes and imagine that you are a child again. Now, instead of your childhood memories, I want you to imagine that your parents do not love you at all, they really do not care if you live or die and you know this to be fact.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/10/01/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-12-a-personal-letter-to-you/

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/09/25/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-11a-the-list/

I thought I’d include this is a bonus in my podcast. It is a personal list I’ve made to share with my therapist. It outlines the people within me as they are, at least what I know of them. It shares thoughts and questions I have as well as issues I’d like to find time to address. This way, no matter who is out at the time, we can still bring up all of these things which were made while talking with all of us. This means it also addresses issues they see and want touched on. I often forget things I want to address so we all thought a list might help.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/09/22/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-11/

This podcast/blog is on a website about digital cats in second life. Fascinating. You might wonder why. Well, in truth, each of us is multifaceted and holds multiple interests. No? So, what did you expect? I do not follow lines, I do not fit in boxes. Why should I limit the interests I show or separate them out. Humans are not made like that. Life is not like that. I am many things, all things in one.

As a teenager, maybe all of 13, I was riding on the back of a bike once.. a Harley of course. I was drunk out of my mind, numbing the demons inside. My right calf pressed into the exposed tail pipes as I got off. I heard a sizzle but felt nothing at all at first. I stepped off. Everyone around me was horrified. I had a huge burn up my calf, pretty bad. I never sought medical help or attention for it. I continued partying. I was numb to everything, to the world.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/09/18/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-10-a-in-my-head/

Screaming. When I sit still in the quiet, there is a memory of screaming. My grandmother, she is screaming. It's a primal scream, the kind of scream that chills your blood and freezes you in place, like they are being murdered. Then me screaming and blinding pain, screaming as if the sound itself could be a weapon, formed physically in the air above me, coming out of my mouth. Just screaming and pain. Sometimes, bits and pieces, sometimes moments flow through and it's as if I'm right there, yet not. Like I'm dream walking through my life. Everything is foggy then crystal clear and then foggy once more. What does it mean? It's frightening. I do not know myself at times. It's not me. It's not happening to me, I'm just watching, sliding along through life. 

The voices in my head. It's hard to listen to others, to hold conversations, to focus. I'm already listening to what is going on in my head. Opinions, so many opinions on everything, so many different perspectives and ideas. Do this, do that. It is exhausting at times. People think I'm not listening but I am or at least, I'm trying to. I just get distracted and interrupted while talking and listening by a group of people no one can see. That doesn't sound at all crazy, does it? I wonder why I've tried to hide it for so long.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/09/17/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-10-turning-the-tables/

In this episode, I discuss what happened after leaving my first husband and how Lady Pandora came to be. When life is a dream and you are in a trance much of the time, it's very hard to advocate for yourself. It's like sleep walking. Your body is moving, things are happening, you are aware of some of it but it's like you see through a veil. You are detached. I talk about things I've gone through, things that have happened and many times, I've been told how strong I am. Strong? Not really. It's been scary, terrifying really and it has hurt so very deeply that I can only compare it to hurting so bad that you scream and scream until there is no sound, until your lips stop moving, until the screaming is entirely inside. The agony inside of me, it is invisible and sometimes it is veiled enough to almost ignore although it affects me and sometimes, it is raw. Sometimes, I can barely function.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/09/06/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-9-the-lies-i-knew/

This episode covers more of my first marriage, my first adult female love and the ending of my first marriage. All episodes carry a general trigger warning. I'm missing key parts of my memory. For example, I know I was raped multiple times but I could not tell you when or how. I know who and I know for a fact it happened. I know that my first husband was a cheater and that I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I could not tell you how I knew or when I found out. A majority of my life is like this. I got so used to people knowing me that I had never seen before that I developed an automatic reaction of pretending I knew them until I did. I did not want to be rude.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/08/27/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-8-ending-the-cycle-of-abuse/

In this episode, I cover other occurrences during my first marriage, how important my children were to me, and how I made the mistake of trusting my Mother again. There are certain things that you must understand in order to understand my story. First, that I was raised to hate myself and those I came from, to feel inferior, to fear. Secondly, you must understand that the others in my head feel as if they have always been there and are therefore completely natural to me. Thirdly, I have trouble communicating. I studied communication, I understand it, I speak well and write well yet it as if I speak another language. For example, if I am asked if a pain is shooting or aching, I might not understand. Shooting to me means starting and stopping quickly like shooting a gun, sharp and fast. I may describe a shooting pain as a twinging feeling, like a plucked violin string. Some things I feel are described better by colors, like my pain is bright pink or I am overwhelmed by whooshing. I'm not hearing wind, I mean that is how it feels. The fact that I see and understand things differently than many means that it makes communication difficult and others get frustrated with me. It's just part of who I am.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/08/23/beyond-lady-pandora-bonus-episode-7a-finding-a-way-forward/

In this episode, I discuss finding a way forward after a lifetime of abuse and trauma, having to hide from help or assistance. I discuss what it is like to finally reach out for help when you do not trust anyone. I discuss having other personalities and how it affects life as well as my views on the "disorder" itself. 

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://fureverbeach.com/2021/08/20/beyond-lady-pandora-episode-7-tainted-love/

This episode covers my life up to 18 years old, finding my childhood love and our nearly ten year marriage. I married the devil, he was both beautiful and cruel.