Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP162 (1 Kings 10) Caleb delves into his dark past as a crackhead. The bible turns into a reality show. The Queen of Sheba visits Solomon to validate the claims of his wealth and wisdom. Solomon of course lives up to the hype as the smartest man that ever lived. Next, it turns into an episode of Cribs with Solomon guiding us through all of this wealth (he even kept chimps and baboons). We get into the theology of Christ’s suffering and sacrifice. A listener relates her experience growing up Mormon.

EP161 (1 Kings 9) Happy New Year Dipshits! The year of our lord 2020 is over and it ended with a spectacular shit show. The boys head up to the woods for a bonfire and somebody gets real stuck. In the distant, non existent past the lord answers King Solomons prayers. He says some nice things about the Israelites followed immediately by dire threats. Kyle and Caleb have a lovers quarrel.

EP161

EP160 (1 Kings 8) Merry Christmas dildos! Its a covid Christmas nightmare. The Interrupters family comes to town with hives of bees. We’re not kidding. The Lord of Hosts tries Zoom Caroling. 4000 years ago Solomon dedicated the temple to the lord, humble bragging the entire time. We discuss the preposterous number of animals sacrificed. A listener asks about jesus’ life and his potential for ripping off Budda.

Ep159 (1 Kings 8) King Solomon’s Dedication This week the humble lord god almighty who was, and is, and is, to come, demands King Solomon and the entire assembly of Israel that had gathered about him were before the ark, sacrificing so many sheep and cattle that they could not be recorded or counted. And he’s just getting started. The priests then brought the ark of the LORD’s covenant to its place in the inner sanctuary of the temple, the Most Holy Place, and put it beneath the wings of the cherubim. Holy smokes what a show. But that’s not all. We wonder what real estate in heaven might be like according to who does what.

EP158 (1 Kings 7) The Interrupter returns from a ski trip and Covid regulations are in full effect. Solomon is decorating god's house and he thinks god will LOVE it. The temple has an above ground pool, sticks everywhere, wreath's n shit, and some bronze basins. He get sidetracked talking about religious hairstyles and who goes where in the afterlife.

EP157 (1 Kings 7) Hurricane Wesley has hit Kelowna and Caleb is stressed. Kyle is jovial. Everybody, including the closet dwelling weirdo Uncle Gus, tells about the the time when they were caught polishing their idols. In bible times, king Solomon begins his next project: The Palace. Many building materials and dimensions are relayed as if they matter 3000 years later. We are famous in Lebanon.

EP156 (1 Kings 5) Caleb believes he can get away with coming in to work stoned. Kyle’s gym has a weird smell. We talk about going to church high. Solomon begins what will become his lives work. He starts by talking to his buddies in Lebanon to get some cedar and pine trees. We discuss ancient building techniques and timelines. The bible describes the inner sanctuary in great detail which bores the shit out of Kyle but is necessary for a persons salvation. A listener asks about psychedelics in the bible.

EP155 (1 Kings 4) This week Caleb's faith wavers and Kyle admonishes him like Jesus did to Satan. In the midst of pages of hard to pronounce names we stumble into a theological debate over god's plan and human intervention. We talk about the tax system of ancient Israel and how much king Solomon ate in a day. Next, Solomon brags about being smarter than Egypt and Heman, Calcol, and Darda. Are you impressed? A listener asks us who has the biggest dick in the bible.

EP154 (1 Kings 3) 2020 is taking is toll on the gang and Kyle is going bald about it. We half heartedly discuss revolution. In the bible Solomon has consolidated his position as king by eliminating his rivals and settling old scores. Solomon has a dream in which god visits him and says “I’ll give you anything you want.” Instead of asking for wealth or long life Solomon asks for wisdom. The lord is so impressed by this answer that he grants all of the above. As if to demonstrate his new superpowers, god sends two prostitutes with one baby between em to test Solomon’s problem solving ability. Send us emails at [email protected]