Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP143

EP142 (2 Samuel 16-17) It’s better to get pissed off than pissed on. David continues his pity parade until he meets Mephibosheth the cripple he helped before. Janky legs hooks him up with a bunch of donkeys, bread, wine, and figs. David moves on to the next town where he meets a relative of dead king Saul who rightfully blames David for the war and tells David to go fuck himself. We get a little sidetracked talking about hunting rodents. Back in Jerusalem, Absalom, the hottest dood in Israel, is advised to publicly fuck his dads palace prozzies to incite a war. Absalom has 2 advisors that tell him to do such and such or so and so. He decides to go with so and so then David has to run away again. Caleb runs away to Sweden.

EP141 Egg Warmer (2 Samuel 15) The fellas are recording first thing in the morning and its as exciting as morning radio. Absalom, the hottest dude in Israel, begins glad-handing townspeople and sowing sedition undermining king David. The sexy Jew is suceeds in enticing the people of Israel to his side and king David is forced to flee. David runs away crying and all he passes by join in his weeping parade as if it were the worlds shittiests conga dance. Caleb tells a weird sex story. A listener inquires about the significance of the number 40 in the bible.

EP140

Ep34 Chad has his best week in the podcasts history, plus he got to go down the slides. Jack Hirschfield joins the boys from Toronto, Chad never had a chance.

EP139

EP138

EP137 (2 Samuel 11) Some young lady tries to witness to Kyle via tinder. She politely directed us to an apologetics website that makes a lot of really good points. 3500ish years ago a guy named David was maybe conquering all of his neighbors. After awhile he grew tired of this and came home for a nap. After his nap he went to look over his kingdom as if he were Mufasa from his rooftop. From his perch he spied some big ol’ tiddies and sent his homie to inquire further. He banged her and then felt bad about it because it was his buddies son’s wife and its just bad form. So he sent for buddy (Uriah the Hittite) and did some real not cool things to this guy. A listeners asks us if hentai is a sin.

EP136 (2 Samuel 8-10) Kyle has the worst hangover of his life. David completes his systematic genocide of the Moabites, Arameans, Zobahites, Edomites, Philistines, and other peoples in graphic detail. After returning home with the belongings of now extinct people groups David decides to do something magnanimous and do something nice for his desceased best friend and lover Johnathan. He hooks Johnie's crippled lad up with a castle and a bunch of slaves to run it. Mephibosheth (say that out loud right now) is grateful and David goes back to what god intended: killing his neighbors. The Ammonites team up with the Aramean and their combined strength is no match for god and they are easily defeated and slaughtered. A listener confides that she is a non-believing christian in a christian school.

EP135 (2 Samuel 7) The boys celebrate Canada Day with Caleb’s grandparents. Caleb talks about the good ol’ water chugging church days. In the bible David decides that god should live in a house and not a tent. god says he doesn’t want to live a house. David spends more than a little time telling god how awesome he is. Kyle wonders if god has a dick and how he manifested himself on earth. It our contention that god sexually assaulted Mary and he should be cancelled. Keith informs us why Jews cannot press button. #cancelgod