Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP124 (1 Samuel 19) Kyle's travel plans are cancelled. Saul’s jealousy of David's success culminates in a red wedding-like plot to kill David. Luckily, Dave has an inside man in prince Johnathan. Thus begins the best bromance in the bible. The pair decide its best for Dave to skip the festival and Johnathan gauges the kings reaction. Saul is furious and David goes into hiding. A listener demonstrates the efficacy of flattery.

Ep123 (1 Samuel 14) Caleb loves the pandemic, Kyle hates it, Young Tism is retarded. We dip our dicks into the Psalms and then continue with the story. King Saul is jealous of David’s success so he hatches a diabolical plan. David wants to marry Sauls daughter. Saul sends David on a quest for 100 Philistine foreskins hoping that the Philistines will kill David. David pulls an alpha male move and brings king Saul 200 foreskins and then bangs his daughter. A listener asks us about the the top 10 commandments.

Ep122 (1 Samuel 17) The young tism makes his podcast debut. Caleb talks about being underage in a bar in England. Kyle is getting into frolf. In the bible the Israelites are facing off against their bitter enemies the Philistines. A champion standing over 9 ft tall named Goliath of Gath taunts the Israelites day and night for 40 days. Can a you shepherd boy stand up to this uncircumcised Philistine. A listener asks about the 900 year old people.

Ep121 (1 Samuel 16) Kyle postulates that universal education is a waste of money. We go over the fates of the 12 Apostles of Jesus. Simon Peter is notable for inventing Bad Religion’s logo. Saul’s tenure of the kingship has come to an end, at least in god’s mind, so god has his mouthpiece go and slather a young handsome shepherd boi with oil. SO hot. god then hexes his ex bf with an evil torturous spirit because he is petty that way. A listener questions if the Jews are really god’s favorite.

Ep120 (1 Samuel 15) We get right into if Jesus really existed or not and martyrdom of the apostles. Lawfully is the hardest word to say in the English language. We might have corona. Kyle wonders why do not know more about who wrote the bible. Saul problems go from bad to worse. god commands him to kill all the Amelekite Men, Women, Children, INFANTS, and animals. Saul obediently genocides a whole people group but decides to let the animals live. This makes god sad. A listener questions why A- Aron gets away with making the golden calf.

EP119 (1 Samuel 13-14) Kyle gets roofied for his birthday and the bois romanticize alcoholism. Caleb addresses the corona virus end of the world biblical prophecy. Wesley calls in from corona central. In the bible times Saul gets the dumb idea that his army shouldn’t eat until they have destroyed their enemies. Prince Johnathan DGAF and eats honey from the honey geyser. A listener asks us about the morality of masturbation.

Ep118

Ep117 (1 Samuel 11-12) Question marks are optional. Kyle returns from his vacation from Mexico with scars and stories. In the bible god has chosen Saul to be king of the Israelites and now he is punishing them for it. The Ammonite King demands the right eye of every Jewish citizen. This aggression cannot stand, man, and Saul goes to war. Samuel makes a grandiose farewell speech and sticks around for a few more years. A listener suggests that dodge ball was derived from stoning.

EP116 1 (Samuel 9 - 10) Caleb turns 33 and must go to parties and play party games but he doesn’t like party games. Israel decides they want a king against gods will so god rigs a beauty contest to pick his favorite. His favorite is nowhere to be found because he his hiding in the luggage. We learn the real reason Israel became a nation.

EP115 1 (Samuel 7-8) Kyle is excited about his upcoming trip to Mexico. Caleb once lived in a Mexican orphanage. Bible follows its typical pattern of having the story repeat itself. Samuel get old and his sons are corrupt priests. god and Samuel bitch about the ungrateful Israelites together but god eventually relents and allows Israel to choose a king. god warns the Israelites that it’s gonna suck but they DGAF.