Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP105 (Judges 17-18) Coming at you LIVE this week, we discuss biblical ornaments and carvings. In bible times a man named Micah makes some idols for god, in spite of the fact that god has command people not to make idols. In order to get back on god’s good side he employs a priest. The preist turns on Micah when a mob shows up and steals all of idols that Micah made. One of the weirdest most irrelevant stories in the bible. Keith sends us an update.

EP104 (Judges 16) Chad is in town and him and Kyle get involved with some wayward women. We spend about half an hour reading about and discussing the nature of heaven in response to last week’s question. Heaven absolutely bananas. god has failed experiments covered in eyes shouting about how great he around the clock. It has walls, gates, pools, rocks, and golden streets. Big fucking deal. Back in Samson time, at a huge party for the Philistine god Dagon samson is brought out to be laughed at by his enemies. Samson asks god for his strength to return one last time. Luckily for Samson, the Philistine temple is engineered like the death star and all its weight is supported by 2 pillars which Samson pushes down killing more of his enemies at once than he did in the rest of his life. A listener asks us who would bottom. Idea to travel back in time as ourselves and interact with the characters.

EP103 (Judges 16) Caleb returns from California with some good stories and he’s very sorry for being 4 days late. Samson, the bane of the Philistines, is surrounded and locked in a town while he bangs a prostitute. He wakes up and tears the city gates out from of the wall and marches them to the top of a nearby hill. It seems that Samson can’t get enough of that Philly tang and marries another Philistine woman named Delilah. She nags him for weeks and after giving her several wrong answers Samson reveals that the secret to his strength is his new fuckin haircut, or rather, the fact he has never cut his hair. She haves his head and hands him to the Philistines who gouge out Samson’s eyes and chain him to a mill stone. A listener asks what heaven is like.

EP102 (Judges 14-15) Caleb and his bros go to the Alestorm concert. Samson’s escapades begin with choosing a Philistines bride. On the way to the wedding he is attacked by a lion and Samson tears it apart with his bear (lol) hands. At the wedding Samson makes a wager with the Philistines. They will forfeit thirty linen garment and thirty sets of clothes if they cannot solve his riddle in seven days. The riddle is difficult, so the Philistines threaten Samson’s new wife with death and the death of her family to get the answer out of him. Samson tells her, she tells the Philistines, and Samson is out thirty sets of new suits. Realizing he was tricked Samson decides to go to the nearest Philistine town and kill thirty people and take their clothes. If that not enough he catches 300 foxes and ties torches to their tales and let’s run amok through their crops and vineyards. This prompts martial law and the Philistines send a small army to arrest Samson. He single handedly kills a thousand Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey.

EP101 (Judges 12-13) The podcast begins with a behind the scenes look at Kyle’s editing proficiency. Caleb visits a pig farm. Jephthah continues his conquest of southern Israel. At one point he captures all of the Jordan river crossings and kills forty-two thousand people who talk with a lisp. After Jephthah comes a few nobodies but finally Samson arrives on the scene. An angel visits Samsons mother she makes a deal with the lord that Samson’s head will “never be touched by a razor.” Nobody sends us emails and it makes Caleb angry.

EP100 (Judges 10-11) The fellas recount a hell gig in hick town where a literal horse walked into the bar. Once again, the fickle Jews start following other gods and yahweh is forced to punish them yet again. This is the story of Jephthah the son of prostitute who rises up to free the Israelites from the yoke of the Ammonites. Jephthah makes a deal with god that he will sacrifice whatever walks out his front door to god if god will bring him victory. Of course, the first thing to walk out his front door is his daughter and thus we read about the first case of human sacrifice in the bible. A listener sows the seeds of debate. Jay dyer… possible crosscast.

EP99 (Judges 9) Happy Demon Christmas! This is the story of Abimelek, a bastard, one of 71 sons of Gideon. Abimelek decides he doesn’t want to share power with his 70 brothers so he tricks them into hiring mercenaries that he uses against them. After this betrayal the youngest brother, Jotham, warns the Shecemites if they follow this evil king Abimelek their kingdom will burn. Abimelek gets away with it for 3 years until god sends a demon to make the citizens turn against their king. The citizens of Shecem hatch a plan to rebel against Abimelek under a man named Gaal. Gaal leads army to fight Abimelek and is defeated and driven out of town. Abimelek burns down the tower of Shecem with 1000 men and women inside. He goes to the next town to do the same thing but has a millstone dropped on his head. We get an email from some Christians who somehow still like the podcast.

EP98 (Judges 8) Caleb reminisces about the time he threw a party and 200 people showed up. Gideon chases his enemies through neighboring territories and his allies are butt hurt they didn’t get part of the loot. While in hot pursuit of his enemies he asks the local people for food for his men. The locals tell him to pound sand and Gideon responds that when he is finished with his enemies he will come back and “tear you flesh with desert thorns” and “tear down this tower.” Gideon is a badass and does exactly what he said he would do. I listener asks how to deal with very conservative parents.

EP97 (Judges 7) Caleb is sober, Kyle thinks doctors don’t read, and somebody wet the bed. Caleb’s old house has been overrun with Nazi’s. god inspires our unlikely hero Gideon to reduce the size of his army and engage in gangster methods. We get hung up on iron chariots for a bit. Then Gideon surprise attacks and the lord wins a great victory. We get to read part 3 of the infamous Keith’s emails.

EP96 (Judges 6-7) Its depression month on the Bible Beater’s podcast. Caleb is sober and Kyle has lowered his bar for happiness. But there is good news! The boring part of the bible is behind us and its great stories from here on out! We are introduced to the legendary Gideon (least of his name) and the most mundane miracles you have ever heard about. A listener asks some pointed questions about Stacey the prophet.