Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP114 (1 Samuel 5-6) The fella’s solve the climate crises. The Philistines capture the box that god lives and they set it in the same room as their own god and the gods have a god battle to death. yahweh wins the god battle and smites the Philistines with tumors and rats. The Philistines kick the ark around the country infecting many people before sending back to Israel. god get’s back to Israel and kills the first 70 people he meets.

Ep113 (Samuel 3-4) In this episode we talk about the Superbowl and staying in hostels. In the bible Eli gets the bad news the ark is stolen and it kills him. Did the ark ever exists at all? Who knows? Bad things start to happen to philistines when they take possession of the ark like tumors, rats, and disease. Magicians are idiots and communion is ridiculous. Nobody emailed us this week and it made me sad.

EP112 (Samuel 3-4) The beaters complain about their jobs, bosses, and hype Chad. Caleb warriors through a swollen tongue. In the bible we talking about Samuel’s calling. We discuss which evangelists have the best stats, the road to redemption, faith healers, and modern versus ancient prophecy. Then Israel goes to war with the Philistines and is defeated. God called it.

EP111 (1 Samuel 2) We get right into the story of Samuel who is sold into the service of corrupt priests. First, Hannah sings a dumb song and we never hear from her again. Eli is the high priest, but he is old and his sons are taking liberties with the priesthood. They are sexing all the temple servants and stealing meat that god wanted for himself. Obviously, the lord in his abounding grace and compassion, cannot let this slide. god gives Samuel a message for Eli the high priest that the lord is reneging his previous promise about the Levite’s serving the lord forever and he is going to kill them all like the forgiving god we know him to be. A listener reports in from the burning land of straya.

EP110 (1 Samuel 1) They boys discuss getting sober. In yet another case of god’s system of eugenics Hannah’s womb has been sealed. This distresses her greatly so she promises god that should she get pregnant she will give the child to the priesthood. This idea is so bad that the high priest thinks she’s drunk. god hears her request and gives her a son which she promptly hands over to the priesthood making us wonder why she wanted a child in the first place. A listener sends a correction Caleb concerning the burning of Jephthah’s daughter.

EP109 (Ruth 1-4) Have you guys met Chad? The fellas are after each other for no reason. The book of Ruth begins with a story about lady who was so sad she changed her name from glad to sad. She is so sad because her husband and sons die so she takes her daughter in law Ruth and heads to the land of Judah. The pair of widows has to resort to the ancient form of welfare, collecting leftover grain from the field. The owner of the field takes a liking to Ruth and they have a very awkward courtship and eventually marry. A listener asks us about what kind of sex acts are biblically approved.

EP108 (Judges 21) We discuss the business of saving souls. We pick up the biblical insanity right where we left off. After the total destruction of all Benjaminite towns, the men of Israel make an oath to not give their daughters to a Benjaminite in marriage. All of the sudden the schizophrenic Jews feel bad about what they did to Benjamin and weep bitterly. They hold a meeting which the tribe of Jabesh Gilead does not attend and this is about as good a reason as any to kill all of the men of that tribe and take their daughters to be wives for the Benjaminite’s. The only problem is that they are about 200 young virgins short, so the Israelites hatch an even wackier plan. They tell the Benjaminite’s to hide next to a dance party and steal the girls they want and carry them back to Benjamin. A listener follows up on an email about conservative parents.

EP107 (Judges 20) Hurricane Wesley has come to town. The tribes of Israel are preparing for war! Yet another perposteroni tony sized army (400,000) Jew’s show up to avenge the Levite’s concubine. They send messengers to Benjamin demanding the evil men of Gibeah to be turned over and the Benjaminite’s tell the rest of Israel to go fuck themselves. The lord decides the tribe of Judah should be the first into battle and they are slaughtered by the Benjaminite’s losing almost 50,000 men in 2 days. The Israelites decide to ambush the Benjaminite’s by drawing them from their walled city and kill them by the thousands in the open field. Only 600 Benjaminite’s survive. Somebody listened to 38 episodes of this podcast in a row and has advice for us.

EP106 (Judges 19) Merry Christmas dildos! The fellas discuss the etiquette of gift giving. A Levite’s concubine cheats on him but he decides he wants to get her back. So he goes to her town and ends bros down with the father in law during a five day bender. On the walk home they have to spend the night in strange town. They decide to hangout at the bus stop until an old man offers them a place to stay. At the old mans house they are surrounded by yet another rape mob who want make sexy times with the Levite. The old man is a bro so he offers his 13 year old daughter and the Levite’s concubine to the mob. They rape the woman to death. The levite cuts up into 12 pieces and send them to the 12 tribes of Israel. This means war. A listening asks about birthing stools and Jehovah’s Witnesses

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