Bible Stories for Blasphemers

*in the voice of Julie Andrews*

Dearest Gentle Listener,
Now, you didn't think we'd forgotten to maintain our ongoing commitment to providing you Patreon content content, did you? Well, worry not little lamb, your shepherds haven't forgotten you. In this episode you can look forward to such delights as thus, as well as the story of the only female judge in the Book of Judges. This is the story of Deborah, of course. Do not underestimate this gentlelady, for she and her bestie Jael deliver the fuck out of Israel in the most horrid of manners. Also discussed is the pivotal Carriage Scene in the latest season of Bridgerton, which is not related to the Bible at all. Oh, the scandal.

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Blessings upon all ye blasphemers, for we are back from summer vacation!!! This is one of the BEST Bible stories we've gotten to cover so far as we continue in the Book of Judges with the stories of Othniel, Ehud, and also Shamgar was there. Most of the time we focus on the story of Ehud and his diabolical scheming, and how he secures victory for Israel. In the pop corner we talk about the origins of the phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt', as well as the Antique Roadshow. And keep an ear out for an extra refreshing treat in Everett's ASMR Alcove this week. So let's dive back in and wait no longer dear flock, lest ye embarrass yourselves. 

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Happy Bible! 
We've finally said goodbye to Joshua and are entering our Biblical Folk Hero Era. With no successor named by Joshua, the nation of Israel continues on without a conduit to God. A generation has passed and it turns out God's not really popular anymore. And so God didn't take that well . He essentially sees Israel as though it is his adult son who just said that he's not going to go college... and also is hanging out with high school dropouts and starting an Only Fans. So, naturally, God did what must be done by all good disappointed parents: abandon his children to teach them a lesson! And thus we begin the Book of Judges. 

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Welcome to church sweet flock! This week Youth Pastor Dan (YPD) tells us the story of Joshua again..but faster this time. Think of it like the notes someone gave you about the key takeaways of the reading assignment. There's some extra flavor that's added along the way, but this ep rounds off the Book of Joshua as he dies at the age of 110, naming no successor. Then in the Pop Corner, we visit the Music Room to gush about and dissect the newest Taylor Swift Album (The Tortured Poets Department). We do a deep dive into the religious metaphors & themes of Swift's songs, 'But Daddy I Love Him' and 'Guilty as Sin'. You won't want to miss YPD & Mariah's spicy lyrical takes.  

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Hello again to all our precious Blasphemers! This week we learn about a very interesting event that  could only be explained by a divine act…. Sort of. Joshua commands the sun to stand still, which helps them while they save Gibeon (which they have to do because of their tricksy covenant.) Then after a short detour, we head back to the Music Room. Everett comes to the table with analysis of the lyrics written by the band Knocked Loose. Before you go, everyone say hi to Dan who will be summoned to the app by this post due to his Instagram notification settings. Thanks for listening! 

Cover Painting:
 Joshuah Ordering the Sun to Stand Still (1743-1744), Joseph Marie Vien in Musée Fabre, Montpellier

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Happy Episode day, blasphemers!! This week Dan teaches us about how the Gibeonites made the diabolical choice to deceive the Israelites in order to secure their protection against being slaughtered… the audacity!!! After that, in the pop corner, our conversation resembles a bouncy ball set loose in a long linoleum hallway. Also some spoilers as we plan content for our forthcoming Patreon page which totally for sure definitely really is going to exist.  Enjoy ;)

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Blessed hump day congregation! In this week’s installment of The Bible, our valiant heroes raze the city of Ai, leaving no survivors. They then immortalize its king forever in what can only be described as… gross. And then in the Pop Corner aka Music Room, in celebration of Dan’s many achievements, Mariah reads to him the lyrics of Dysphoria Hoodie by Laura Jane Grace.

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Blessed Wednesday to all of God's monsters... but especially you, dear listener. We have an inspirational story in store for you this week. All about the conquest of the city of Ai, and also a quick detour to discuss the stoning of Achan. Doesn't that sound lovely? In the pop corner, Mariah and Dan gush about grammy winners and parasocial-besties of the pod, boygenius. And, of course, Mariah celebrates the new Taylor Swift album announcement. Go ahead and settle in and make yourself a hot beverage while you listen this week, folks. You deserve it. 

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And it came to pass that a new episode was released! Behold! We're back again this week with the second mass circumcision event of the Old Testament.  Just before invading Jericho, Joshua realizes he and his army must NOT forget to get rid of that cumbersome foreskin. Then, in the Pop Corner, we discuss the Veggie Tales episode titled "Josh and the Big Wall - A Lesson in Obedience", and the challenges of being a proverbs 31 woman. 

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This week instead of your regularly scheduled sermon, we have a Very Special Episode featuring the Disclaimer Voice himself… that’s right kids, we’ve got Henry Rogland in the pulpit this week!!  Henry joins us to discuss his experience growing up  in Calvinism, the concept of T.U.L.I.P., and the Classic Christian School education. Basically it’s a generous helping of shame, a delightful little acronym that appeals to the youth of today, and waaaay too much homework. This one’s a doozy y’all, so pick a poem to memorize and get ready to start a fight, because lest we forget: there is no hatred like Christian love.

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