This episode is a relaxed chat between  myself and my son about his and my childhood memories surrounding Christmas. 

It has often surprised me how, throughout my difficult experiences growing up, Christmas has always had an element of real magic, wherever I was and no matter the circumstances. It is one of the cultural treasures I have taken with me from childhood and passed on to my son as he grew up. 

Even now, although I don't celebrate Christmas at home as I used to, the joy of helping and sharing a special time with others still informs how I approach this season. Above all, it stays with me throughout the year and colours my outlook. 

In this episode Pat, who has a background in working with Addiction, Substance Abuse and Mental Ill Health,  finds out how an emotionally unstable childhood has affected me as an adult. 

The longest lasting effect on me has been my expectation that I should give more to others than what I receive in return. Or that I should expect nothing in return at all. This has caused a lot of havoc and misery in my life.

Only in recent years have I recognised this issue, however. It is through receiving my diagnosis of PTSD and trauma specific therapy that I have begun to gradually improve emotional reciprocity in my relationships. It is an ongoing journey towards better mental health and involves a daily commitment to myself.

Increasingly, I am able to pick out the many positive experiences in my childhood that went side by side with the traumatic events. From that, I draw reassurance and hope for now and my future.

In this episode my son and I are discussing how Sensory Overwhelm affects me when I'm out and about. It is something I have to manage on a daily basis as living with PTSD causes Mental Fatigue in me much more quickly than before. 

Absorbing information from our environment, in the form of sight, sound, smell, touch and taste is what we do continuously. Our brains then have to process and file that information as well as make decisions on how to respond to it.

Since living with the effects of severe trauma I have come to physically experience how much effort that constant processing is for my brain. It causes my mental fatigue, resulting in a frequent sense of disorientation and physical unsteadiness. This, of course, can make travelling very difficult, even short trips on foot. 

We talk about how I manage that fatigue and find ways of getting to my destination. At the same time, sometimes it is wise to give up and cancel or rearrange a trip or commitment. 

In this episode Amanda and I continue to discuss how PTSD has affected my ability to socialise and build relationships.  I describe how difficult it was for me early on living with the disorder, to approach people and join group activities. 

As I was determined to find ways to reintegrate socially, giving myself many little breaks to withdraw and step back eventually helped me achieve my goals. 

Joining group activities in particular seemed very unnerving for a long time but I found that it was worth persisting in the end. These groups have helped me mingle with like-mided people. They gave me the opportunity to focus on things other than my difficulties, in a disciplined as well as playful way, and proved to be healing. As time went on, friendships have started to blossom within these settings. 

In this episode my son Oliver and I talk about how important but difficult it has been for me to eat well,  while living with PTSD. 

Struggling with cognitive function, like planning and completing tasks, or with frequent dissociation,  can make cooking a potentially unsafe activity. 

Another issue is medication or other factors that contribute to lack of appetite. This can reduce the motivation to eat healthily or cook wholesome meals.

We also discuss trying to find the happy medium between ready meals and food supplemented with fresh vegetables or fruit. 

In this episode Amanda and I continue to explore how PTSD has affected the way I relate to people, especially during the first two years after I became unwell. 

We talk about how difficult it was for me to form new acquaintances because of my unsettled living arrangements and my new exacerbated fear of people. 

Crucial during that time were short neutral or positive experiences with others, rather than extended contact. At the same time, my ability to socialise again grew once I had moved into long-term accommodation. 

Feeling liked and respected by new as well as longer-term acquaintances were monumental during a difficult time when I had to re-learn to trust people. 

In this episode Chris and I are discussing how our Sense of Self has been affected by severely traumatising events in our lives.

Both of us, for very different reasons, have felt estranged by the mirror reflection of our faces as we felt a total stranger was looking back at us. This felt unnerving and frightening, at times.

Chris underwent significant facial reconstruction after a horrific cycling accident, while my face assumed a ghost-like appearance following a total breakdown that resulted in PTSD. 

Remembering 'Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs' Triangle which identifies different levels of human motivation, I wonder how my impaired Sense of Self corresponds with my most dominant needs. We find that Self-Image, as we have experienced it after severe Trauma, isn't necessarily just an idea about ourselves in our minds. Instead, it has been shaped by our physical and emotional experience of the traumatic events.

Thankfully, as time moves on and recovery progresses, we experience how we are naturally growing into a fuller and more grounded Sense of Self.

In this episode Amanda and I talk about how my way of relating to others changed drastically overnight, following my sudden breakdown, several years ago.

I didn't realise that I was severely traumatised and the way I absorbed events changed, too. It felt as though I was wading through constant fog. Life felt impossibly difficult, confusing and deeply frightening. That is also how I began to feel about most of my relationships at the time.

Struggling to communicate to others what was happening to me and being unable to conduct myself as before caused alienation on both sides. Some people withdrew from me while I pushed away most of the others. 

I try to describe the situation  back then, to Amanda and she is surprised to find what an important role complete strangers played in my life. We also touch on how I am building new friendships after a long period of emotional isolation. 

In this episode Scott Irvine tells me the devastating story of the sudden death of his fiancée, when he was in his early twenties. 

After an initial period of disorientation and antisocial behaviour,  he turned his life around with a new, well-paid job. Putting the sad events behind him and banishing his late girlfriend's memory from his mind, he remembers very little of their relationship - even to this day, decades later.

We talk about how his unpreparedness to deal with the trauma nearly led him to boycott goals he worked very hard for. However, his determination to succeed at his photography  course became the catalyst for facing and eventually overcoming the denial of his pain. 

In this episode my son Oliver and I discuss the importance of good customer care and what a real difference it makes to a person's peace of mind. This is especially true for someone living with mental ill health or sensory difficulties. 

In our conversation we talk in more detail about how he helped me buy materials for two custom made tables, which I had never done before. That purchase was very important to me as it helped me save a lot of money.

Oliver's appreciation of my concentration issues and my tendency to experience sensory overwhelm gave him the patience to support me through the lengthy process of getting the right materials in the correct measurements. It allowed him to take over effectively whenever my conversation with the customer care staff faltered.

What made the all important difference to my completing a successful purchase was the excellent advice given by a staff member who had patience, conscientiousness and who clearly took pride in his work.