Britini raps, Frenchie runs out of moves, our baby reconnects with a long lost relative, and Julie Chen-Moonves continues to bewilder us all.

Brent Champagne is poised to take it all, according to a betting system we don’t understand. Frenchie aligns with everyone, Travis reminds us all that white dudes with abs are the weakest link, and Julie leaves us with some wise words we’ll never forget.

Big Brother is back, baby!!! Unfortunately it’s BB US and not the far superior BB Canada. Oh well. We’re here for it anyway.

Honestly considering the final 3 this was probably the best case scenario, so despite all our complaining, eh, we’re fine with this. The important thing is that David really understands the game of Big Brother, and Da’vonne knows how much America loves her. Thanks for hanging in there with us on this season folks, we’ll see you all next time! ❤️ ✌️

Everything unfolds as it was foretold millennia ago. Erik gives America’s youth some valuable life advice, everybody swears their undying allegiance to Cody, and Enzo secures third place. Good effort, Enzo! DA’VONNE FOR AFP!!! Oh yes, and this episode is sponsored by the very generous Digiorno. Don’t forget your side salad, folks!

Another boring week in the books! Everyone but us seems to have given up on this show, which makes sense. This episode is dedicated to our boy Clinton.

If you were stranded on a desert island would you rather have only Christmas for company or Angela’s vegan cookbook? We’d drown ourselves in the ocean. And that’s how this season of Big Brother is making us feel. In this episode, umm... everyone continues to do whatever Cody says. Julie wears a nice dress and thinks it’s cool that you love God. And the only bright shining star in the darkness is the nice people drinking margaritas in the jury house.

Big Brother US’s first ever triple eviction is sabotaged by production every step of the way! The exact 3 people you’d expect to go home go home. Several houseguests finally start to have some regrets about their decisions this season (but ah, so many regrets still to come). Erik comes up with a Machiavellian 4d chess airtight strategy to win Big Brother, even though no one wants to take him to final two. Remember: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

The committee steamrolls on, Julie Chen’s robot brain is on the fritz, Michael gets some blood on his hands, and Da’vonne classes it up as always. This world does not deserve Da’vonne, let’s be honest. This episode is sponsored by Hulu, where any show you watch is almost certainly better than Big Brother.