Book of Boredom

#122 Roasting Saints 24: Old Steve Harper Had A Farm

Oh no no no no!

Today Brother Jones and Sister Patience mock episode 24 of the LDS "Saints" podcast, where Ben and Sarah are joined by church bigwig Steve Harper. A man with a smoothly deep and condescending voice, that could so easily be smoothly deep and sexy if he wasn't a Mormon. Steve talks so confidently about things that don't make sense, and Ben and Sarah think it's fantastic. And in an alternate universe they probably would have blown him straight after the recording.

Highlights:

"Porn Shoulders" and their origin story.

Brother Jones sings an improved version of the Christian Chorus classic: "Our God is an Awesome God".

The daily allowance of the word "cunt" is exceeded.

Joseph Smith makes a dis-track.

BYU prepares to open a medical school, and the memes roll in.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#121 Alma 7: Bowels of Mercy

Shitteth down from Heaven

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience discuss the latest Mormon related news, and then read Alma 7 where Joseph unmercifully shits "bowels of mercy" over every reader.

Here are some "highlights" from this terribly poor chapter of the Book of Mormon. The only changes to the quotes are ALL CAPS and new-lines for emphasis.

Alma 7:7 - What are they beholding x 3? Why is "they" not "them"?

For BEHOLD, I say unto you there be many things to come;
and BEHOLD, there is one thing which is of more importance than THEY all -
for BEHOLD, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people.

Alma 7:12 - Joseph rambling so hard he repeats himself.

... that his bowels may be filled with mercy,
ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, that he may know
ACCORDING TO THE FLESH ...

Alma 7:19-20 - I perceive a false prophet, besotted with wordy pompous prose, contradicting himself.

For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness;
I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God; yea,
I perceive that ye are MAKING HIS PATHS STRAIGHT.
I perceive that it has been made known unto you, by the testimony of his word, that
HE CANNOT WALK IN CROOKED PATHS;
neither doth he vary from that which he hath said;
neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left,
or from that which is right to that which is wrong; therefore,
HIS COURSE IS ONE ETERNAL ROUND.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#120 Alma 6: Library Emergency

Gideon Gideon Gideon

Sister Gigi recounts a library emergency, and encourages Sister Patience to run for some kind of local office. They read Alma 6 and discuss recent Mormon related news.

Verse 7 wins silliest verse from this chapter: " ... into the valley of Gideon, there having been a city built, which was called the city of Gideon, which was in the valley that was called Gideon ... ". Joseph Smith repeated the location of the city, all while sounding "King-Jamesy", because he was a regular human, and a conman, not inspired by an un-erring god.

Church News Discussed:

Growth in LDS membership is hot in Africa, but tepid in the United States. Someone commented on the Salt Lake Tribune article: "Church growth is mainly in uneducated third world countries? I guess the collective IQ of the church is in a death spiral."

The church increases the "Young Single Adults" cut-off age to 35. Is that a fancy way of saying "we're running out of marriage material"?

In Tonga, the church has a sit-down chat with the Prime Minister. Seems the church is lobbying to ensure they stay part of the education-to-job pipeline, because that's a membership pipeline too.

In the MormonShrivel subreddit, some data was posted that charts the decline of members in the Bonneville Stake of Salt Lake City. It's interesting data, but since the church gerrymanders ward and stake boundaries so wildly that politicians are probably jealous, it's not hard proof of membership decline.

Another Redditor had the subjective observation that only 30% of Mormons wore their garments during some recent July 4th celebrations. This seems like progress. It's too hot to wear that shit. God wouldn't want you to wear them either. It's anti-life during Summer to wear extra underwear with silly Masonic symbols on them. Keep it for winter where there is a fleeting chance it might be practical.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#119 Roasting Saints 23: Fresh Outta Spoons

Religious Freedom is not Heathen Subjugation

Brother Jones and Sister Patience dissect episode 23 of the LDS "Saints" podcast. An episode packed with nonsensical "faith affirming stories", that when given a minimum of contemplation become "faith removing stories that have no place in a history book".

Also Irreverantly Discussed...

The first 2024 Biden vs Trump debate.

Louisiana's new law to put the 10 Commandments in classrooms.

Pride month activities.

The "spoon analogy".

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#118 Alma 4-5:30 A dingo ate my Book of Mormon

and shat it into the Waters of Mormon

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience read 1.5 chapters from Joseph's Smith's tome of dingo shit AKA the Book of Mormon. They had a good time with it.

Sister Patience sets the record straight. A dingo really did eat an infant in 1980. Australia's shitty legal system bungled the evidence, accused the parents of killing their child, and sent them to prison. They have since been exhonerated. But the parents never totally lost the stigma of "baby killer", despite overwhelming evidence they were not at fault.

Let's hope humanity learns how to do the law better.

On a lighter note... Dingoes are adorably cute! They have big ears, look like dogs, but don't generally bark like domesticated dogs. Should they be called dogs? Maybe. Dingoes can interbreed with domesticated dogs.

As usual we discuss recent Mormon happenings, like how Rusty needs his faithful followers to go merge church-and-state so he can have the tallest steeples around. Why does Jesus need a tall steeple? Matthew 27:51 indicates that God's prescence is not confined to a temple, because the temple veil was miraculously wrent when Jesus died.

Jesus isn't even at the top of a Mormon temple steeple. It's the graven image of Moroni. I guess Mormons interpret the 3rd commandment (from the Ten Commandments), in their own unique way.

Mormons would be more relatable, if they were more Christlike as indicated in this heavily paraphrased story Jesus told in Matthew 25:41-46

Then God said to those on his left, "GTFO, go live with Satan!" I was starving and thirsty, and you ignored me. I was a stranger and you didn't welcome me. My clothes were threadbare, and you did nothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't realise how lonely I was.

Those on the left of God then replied, "Whoa, where did that come from?" So God explains, "You never showed any love for the other humans I put you on the planet with. Living with other humans is the ultimate test, and you failed! Your innaction of kindness was like an innaction of kindness to me."

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#117 Roasting Saints 22: Mormon War Never Changes

A mob of their own

This episode is about the 1838 nastiness called "the Mormon war". We pull apart what the Saints podcast says about it, and also add a few extra tid-bits. It wasn't the first scuffle, and it won't be the last, as we make our way through early Mormon history.

In a 24 hour period Joseph Smith's attitude goes from "fight like angels", to pleading with George Hinkle to "beg like dogs for peace". Why do people call Joseph a prophet again?

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#116 Roasting Saints 21 and Alma 3

Waffle of Mormon

As Joseph Smith loses his focus repeatedly in Alma 3, and the scribe rolls his eyes and continues to write - THINK CELESTIAL.

When Joseph Smith introduces racist doctrine, and then incase anyone might explain it away continues to reiterate - THINK CELESTIAL.

When Joseph Smith makes up a stupid new word like "Ishmaelitish", or goes infantile and literally calls people "good" or "bad" - THINK CELESTIAL.

When false-prophet Rusty gets even rustier because all the speakers at General Conference keep sucking his metaphorical and unprophetic phallus - THINK CELESTIAL.

When you thought you were finally out of that unhealthy Masonic underwear, and the heavies at General Conference tell you to put them back on, and to waste your time alive doing nothing in a temple - SAY "NO", AND THINK YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.

When Joseph Smith tries to tell you that Communism is God's will, follow Oliver Cowdry's example and RESIGN FROM THE CHURCH.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#115 Alma 2: Too Many Captains Spoil the Plane

Happy MORMON Xmas on APRIL 6!

This Chistmas episode, that includes our mockery of Alma chapter 2, was 3 months in the making. Sorry. But on the upside, it's just in time for a popular date in Mormonism for Christ's birth - April 6!

We hear a wide variety of Christmas traditions, funny stories, and a few serious ones, based on the disparate cultural and religious backgrounds of the guest hosts.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#114 Roasting Saints 20: Nibble Nobby's Nibley

Before Smitty Nibbles Yours

In episode 20 of the LDS Saints podcast, we are presented with the Kirtland Safety Society. A bank that Smitty false prophesied would become the biggest swinging dick around, and eat all competitor cocks (banks). Nothing went right with this venture, and many unfollowed him on X (formely known as Twitter).

Yet, Smitty was so charismatic, he still managed to have his first extra-marital affair, that he justified with a secret marriage. Why secret? I guess God thought that was an excellent way to show his people the example they should follow. Hang-on, that doesn't make sense. Maybe it was just easier than divorcing his legal wife Emma? Or maybe this never happened? Or maybe the truth is in between? For a cult that prides itself on being the "Standard for Truth" (see the title for episode 1 of Saints), why is the truth so full of bullshit?

If all that seems like a faith shattering downer for any God fearing Mormon (because it is), the hosts of Saints add a little saccharine in the form of all the "miracles" happening overseas. And by "miracles" they mean "converts to Mormonism". These aren't miracles, just bad ideas spreading. Like so much of human history.

Mormon News Discussed:

Apostle M. Russel Ballard died at age 95. And we were only just talking about him on the last episode!

Rusty appointed a new apostle to take Ballard's place - Patrick Kearon. Poor fucker. That guy now has no agency in his life until he dies.

Brother Jones teaches Sister Patience about:

The fun times that can be had with initials and apostle names.

The Fallout-style vault where the LDS church keeps all it's most precious records. It's at 6279 Little Cottonwood Canyon Rd. Unfortunately, there isn't a good Google street view of the facility because the road past the gate is private property.

How early European converts were lied to and enticed to move to the US, to work for the cult in various ways, with little hope of upward mobility.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#113 Alma One: Poke the Bear

Neee-Hawww and Gideon have a preach battle

Don't worry, Neee-Hawww AND Gideon die!

Mormon related news discussed:

Homelessness in Salt Lake City. How do you help people? Benjamin, Gigi and Patience each have different perspectives.

James Huntsman's fraud case against the Church is being appealed (naturally). Brother Benjamin explains where the "Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals" sits in the United States judicial system.

The October 2023 LDS General Conference! Rusty phones-in an alienating message, and Dalin Oaks looks like a Cheshire Cat that's licked the cream!

Brother Benjamin and Sister Gigi explain the whole "Tim Ballard" fiasco. Since this podcast recording in early October 2023, LDS Apostle, Melvin Russell Ballard (no relation to Tim, yet key to the story, yes it's confusing) has died at 95 years old. So Rusty will be announcing a new Apostle to take his place soon. Assuming the 99 year old lives long enough to do that.

Key amusements from Alma One:

The gang learn about Priestcraft, sort of. A word that Joseph Smith invented, and that you'll never hear in a mainstream Christian denomination.

Smitty kicks off his new book by jumping straight to the action, and then spends half the chapter rambling the back-story he forgot to put in sequence. Grammar left the building.

Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Pronoun Problem. Again!

Neee-Hawww and Gideon have a preach battle in which Gideon dies. Oh, and not THAT Gideon from the Bible. And not THAT donkey that spoke to Balaam.

Alma Jnr is High Priest AND Chief Judge, which sounds a lot like "king" where there isn't seperation of Church and State.

Memorable Quote:

SISTER GIGI: "History is written by the victor..."

BROTHER BENJAMIN: "... and fiction is written by the author."

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

https://bookofboredom.com/reasons/

Join the Blasphemy

https://facebook.com/groups/BookOfBoredom

Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

https://patreon.com/BookOfBoredom

Twitter

https://twitter.com/BookOfBoredom

TikTok

https://tiktok.com/@BookOfBoredomPodcast

Instagram

https://instagram.com/BookOfBoredomPodcast

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjDavWoT73Cev3IAie_XBA

Website

https://bookofboredom.com/

A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.