#124 Alma 8: Amulek breaks Alma's fast (and his back)

Y'all get sleeveless garments for Xmas! So sell your sleeved garments on Depop?

People try to make maps of the stories from the Bible and the Book of Mormon. But there's a difference. Smitty doesn't use real place names. So don't bother trying to picture any of the travels in Alma 8. Even true believers draw half-hearted squiggles.

Apart from Alma 8, we discuss:

In the last LDS General Conference, "Temporary Commands" were introduced as a way to explain away inconsistencies in Mormon revelation. Sister Patience thinks that's a new way to make your head explode.

The LDS Church is buying up truckloads of land in Australia. So much in fact it may trigger a law change on how much land can be purchased in one go by a foreign entity.

Brother Jones and Sister Patience imagine what a Hypercolor Graphic Novel edition of the Book of Mormon might be like.

Sister Patience discovers a 70 person town in the center of Australa comprised entirely of Mormons: Mulga Bore.

The air in Salt Lake City sucks right now because of a high-pressure system trapping all the temple dust (among other pullutants). Mouse (the ironically named massive dog) still drags Brother Jones outside for a walk.

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#123 Roasting Saints 25: The One Shitey And Wrong

It's not the size of the steeple that counts

Brother Brandon is back to explain Church History, Property Lines, Dallin Oakes, Death Canes, Joseph's prophecy about "The One Mighty And Strong", and the new LDS "trans guidelines" and how they may affect Mormons.

Sister Divchina tells how The Church is in the process of excommunicating Nemo the Mormon, although no one seems to know why they waited until now. Was the straw that broke Moroni's back to suggest it's not the size of the steeples that count, but the ordinances? Is Church President Rusty coming with a giant steeple, to upgrade all those temples that don't have them?

Sister Gigi becomes a mechanic, refurs a giant polar bear plush toy, and tries to watch "The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives".

Commenting on the 25th episode of the LDS "Saints" podcast:

Long before anyone wanted to "drain the swamp" in Washington DC, the Latter-day Saints wanted to drain the swamp in Nauvu. As usual, Joseph Smith's help was intangible. Although he did tirelously "encourage" the Saints to not die in the malaria bog. Poor Joseph, that must have been tough.

The talking heads on the Saints Podcast seem to think people knew their Bible better in the 19th century than today. Sister Patience thinks that is complete horseshit.

The amusing story of how Joseph asks the US president for some cash, and gets shot down!

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#122 Roasting Saints 24: Old Steve Harper Had A Farm

Oh no no no no!

Today Brother Jones and Sister Patience mock episode 24 of the LDS "Saints" podcast, where Ben and Sarah are joined by church bigwig Steve Harper. A man with a smoothly deep and condescending voice, that could so easily be smoothly deep and sexy if he wasn't a Mormon. Steve talks so confidently about things that don't make sense, and Ben and Sarah think it's fantastic. And in an alternate universe they probably would have blown him straight after the recording.

Highlights:

"Porn Shoulders" and their origin story.

Brother Jones sings an improved version of the Christian Chorus classic: "Our God is an Awesome God".

The daily allowance of the word "cunt" is exceeded.

Joseph Smith makes a dis-track.

BYU prepares to open a medical school, and the memes roll in.

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#121 Alma 7: Bowels of Mercy

Shitteth down from Heaven

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience discuss the latest Mormon related news, and then read Alma 7 where Joseph unmercifully shits "bowels of mercy" over every reader.

Here are some "highlights" from this terribly poor chapter of the Book of Mormon. The only changes to the quotes are ALL CAPS and new-lines for emphasis.

Alma 7:7 - What are they beholding x 3? Why is "they" not "them"?

For BEHOLD, I say unto you there be many things to come;
and BEHOLD, there is one thing which is of more importance than THEY all -
for BEHOLD, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people.

Alma 7:12 - Joseph rambling so hard he repeats himself.

... that his bowels may be filled with mercy,
ACCORDING TO THE FLESH, that he may know
ACCORDING TO THE FLESH ...

Alma 7:19-20 - I perceive a false prophet, besotted with wordy pompous prose, contradicting himself.

For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness;
I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God; yea,
I perceive that ye are MAKING HIS PATHS STRAIGHT.
I perceive that it has been made known unto you, by the testimony of his word, that
HE CANNOT WALK IN CROOKED PATHS;
neither doth he vary from that which he hath said;
neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left,
or from that which is right to that which is wrong; therefore,
HIS COURSE IS ONE ETERNAL ROUND.

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#120 Alma 6: Library Emergency

Gideon Gideon Gideon

Sister Gigi recounts a library emergency, and encourages Sister Patience to run for some kind of local office. They read Alma 6 and discuss recent Mormon related news.

Verse 7 wins silliest verse from this chapter: " ... into the valley of Gideon, there having been a city built, which was called the city of Gideon, which was in the valley that was called Gideon ... ". Joseph Smith repeated the location of the city, all while sounding "King-Jamesy", because he was a regular human, and a conman, not inspired by an un-erring god.

Church News Discussed:

Growth in LDS membership is hot in Africa, but tepid in the United States. Someone commented on the Salt Lake Tribune article: "Church growth is mainly in uneducated third world countries? I guess the collective IQ of the church is in a death spiral."

The church increases the "Young Single Adults" cut-off age to 35. Is that a fancy way of saying "we're running out of marriage material"?

In Tonga, the church has a sit-down chat with the Prime Minister. Seems the church is lobbying to ensure they stay part of the education-to-job pipeline, because that's a membership pipeline too.

In the MormonShrivel subreddit, some data was posted that charts the decline of members in the Bonneville Stake of Salt Lake City. It's interesting data, but since the church gerrymanders ward and stake boundaries so wildly that politicians are probably jealous, it's not hard proof of membership decline.

Another Redditor had the subjective observation that only 30% of Mormons wore their garments during some recent July 4th celebrations. This seems like progress. It's too hot to wear that shit. God wouldn't want you to wear them either. It's anti-life during Summer to wear extra underwear with silly Masonic symbols on them. Keep it for winter where there is a fleeting chance it might be practical.

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#119 Roasting Saints 23: Fresh Outta Spoons

Religious Freedom is not Heathen Subjugation

Brother Jones and Sister Patience dissect episode 23 of the LDS "Saints" podcast. An episode packed with nonsensical "faith affirming stories", that when given a minimum of contemplation become "faith removing stories that have no place in a history book".

Also Irreverantly Discussed...

The first 2024 Biden vs Trump debate.

Louisiana's new law to put the 10 Commandments in classrooms.

Pride month activities.

The "spoon analogy".

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#118 Alma 4-5:30 A dingo ate my Book of Mormon

and shat it into the Waters of Mormon

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience read 1.5 chapters from Joseph's Smith's tome of dingo shit AKA the Book of Mormon. They had a good time with it.

Sister Patience sets the record straight. A dingo really did eat an infant in 1980. Australia's shitty legal system bungled the evidence, accused the parents of killing their child, and sent them to prison. They have since been exhonerated. But the parents never totally lost the stigma of "baby killer", despite overwhelming evidence they were not at fault.

Let's hope humanity learns how to do the law better.

On a lighter note... Dingoes are adorably cute! They have big ears, look like dogs, but don't generally bark like domesticated dogs. Should they be called dogs? Maybe. Dingoes can interbreed with domesticated dogs.

As usual we discuss recent Mormon happenings, like how Rusty needs his faithful followers to go merge church-and-state so he can have the tallest steeples around. Why does Jesus need a tall steeple? Matthew 27:51 indicates that God's prescence is not confined to a temple, because the temple veil was miraculously wrent when Jesus died.

Jesus isn't even at the top of a Mormon temple steeple. It's the graven image of Moroni. I guess Mormons interpret the 3rd commandment (from the Ten Commandments), in their own unique way.

Mormons would be more relatable, if they were more Christlike as indicated in this heavily paraphrased story Jesus told in Matthew 25:41-46

Then God said to those on his left, "GTFO, go live with Satan!" I was starving and thirsty, and you ignored me. I was a stranger and you didn't welcome me. My clothes were threadbare, and you did nothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn't realise how lonely I was.

Those on the left of God then replied, "Whoa, where did that come from?" So God explains, "You never showed any love for the other humans I put you on the planet with. Living with other humans is the ultimate test, and you failed! Your innaction of kindness was like an innaction of kindness to me."

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#117 Roasting Saints 22: Mormon War Never Changes

A mob of their own

This episode is about the 1838 nastiness called "the Mormon war". We pull apart what the Saints podcast says about it, and also add a few extra tid-bits. It wasn't the first scuffle, and it won't be the last, as we make our way through early Mormon history.

In a 24 hour period Joseph Smith's attitude goes from "fight like angels", to pleading with George Hinkle to "beg like dogs for peace". Why do people call Joseph a prophet again?

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#116 Roasting Saints 21 and Alma 3

Waffle of Mormon

As Joseph Smith loses his focus repeatedly in Alma 3, and the scribe rolls his eyes and continues to write - THINK CELESTIAL.

When Joseph Smith introduces racist doctrine, and then incase anyone might explain it away continues to reiterate - THINK CELESTIAL.

When Joseph Smith makes up a stupid new word like "Ishmaelitish", or goes infantile and literally calls people "good" or "bad" - THINK CELESTIAL.

When false-prophet Rusty gets even rustier because all the speakers at General Conference keep sucking his metaphorical and unprophetic phallus - THINK CELESTIAL.

When you thought you were finally out of that unhealthy Masonic underwear, and the heavies at General Conference tell you to put them back on, and to waste your time alive doing nothing in a temple - SAY "NO", AND THINK YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.

When Joseph Smith tries to tell you that Communism is God's will, follow Oliver Cowdry's example and RESIGN FROM THE CHURCH.

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#115 Alma 2: Too Many Captains Spoil the Plane

Happy MORMON Xmas on APRIL 6!

This Chistmas episode, that includes our mockery of Alma chapter 2, was 3 months in the making. Sorry. But on the upside, it's just in time for a popular date in Mormonism for Christ's birth - April 6!

We hear a wide variety of Christmas traditions, funny stories, and a few serious ones, based on the disparate cultural and religious backgrounds of the guest hosts.

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