#109 Mosiah 26: Welcome to Insane Peaks

Total Assets $1,000,000 ($38,000,000,000)

Brother Jones and Sister Patience blaze through a chapter, best described in the Book of Boredom group chat:

"Jones and I just read 39 verses of some of the most boring bits of this entire shitty thing. WELL DONE JONES! We're nearly half way thru the BOM!" ~ Patience

What is this chapter like?

This chapter is like calling a contact-centre, and being redirected 5 times before the line finally drops, with no solution.

This chapter is a bleeding example of the waste inherant in collectivism.

This chapter is a game of "Pass the Parcel".

This chapter is an example of how to hold a religious inqusition where no one dies. So, "yay!" for "no murder"! That's one small step for Smitty.

This chapter mirrors modern day Mormon excommunication practices. Gee, I wonder where they got it from. Smitty just took 2 steps back.

Other key points:

Two true stories, where bad ideas from religion resulted in OCD, or OCD-like symptoms.

Trump makes his way into 26:25.

The church built a MODULAR TEMPLE! Ahaha.

Tell your faithful Mormon parents about the Gospel Topic Essays. It's a mitzvah for their brain health! They will cause so much brain activity, that Alzheimers will be staved off by at least a decade!

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#108 Mosiah 24-25: Nephite As a Second Language

Amulon was a NASL teacher

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience get two chapters closer to the end of this abysmal book of Mosiah. We also loop back to some verses from the last chapter that made no sense, as Brother Benjamin interprets the atrocious prose.

Key Amusements Include:

Quote from Brother Benjamin: "I do not understand what is going on with this book."

Who the fuck is Zenif again?

The Book Of Mormon Rangers Return!

Brother Benjamin tells us about his latest trip to the Burning-Man-esque "Element Eleven".

Sister Patience tells about the "Dark Mofo" festival in Tasmania that made the news, and Brother Benjamin goes down a google rabbit-hole reading about it.

God doesn't embarrass easily, clearly.

The overtly repetative and full-of-fill Mosiah 24:23 -

"And now the Lord said unto Alma: Haste thee and get thou and this people out of this land, for the Lamanites have awakened and do pursue thee; therefore get thee out of this land, and I will stop the Lamanites in this valley that they come no further in pursuit of this people."

Smitty could have just written, "God said, leave quickly, the Lamanites are now awake and pursuing you, but I will stop them in the valley."

Arghhhhh.

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#107 Mosiah 23: Ask your bishop if Amulon is right for you

Ignore the boredom and try AMULON

In a last-ditch attempt to get Mosiah out of their lives, Gigi and Patience continue on to Mosiah 23 without a short stop roasting the "Saints" podcast. Don't worry, it will be roasted later, but right now it's in the fridge.

Alma says: "Kings are bad", then says, "Well, they would be fantastic if only all kings were nice". From that, Smitty can still say whatever he wants later about himself.

God decides to show how wonderful he is by not doing the obvious thing of saving the people who follow him. No, God decides to put his people into bondage, just so that he can save them later. Like a confidence trickster.

Oh, and Amulon. Actually, if you just do whatever you want on Sunday, you won't need it.

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#106 Mosiah 22: Gideon got Back!

The back pass, thru the back wall, on the back side, BAAAAA.

Sister Gigi and Sister Patience read the implausible escape story that is, Mosiah 22. Oh, and the wilderness continues to be a miraculous, yet un-mappable abyss where just about anything can happen.

Our co-hosts also chime in on:

The recent ban of the Bible in primary schools of the Davis school district in Utah.

Chris Christie joins the fray to be US President.

Tractors with AI and LASERS to kill weeds!

AI in code generation, and the legal system.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#105 Mosiah 20-21: The burgers are better at McTemples!

And behold also there was a General Conference!

Brother Jones and Sister Patience have some fun with the gaffes from the April 2023 LDS General Conference, then proceed to read Mosiah 20 and 21.

A few of the stupidities:

Smitty gets carried away with his "beholds" in 20:19. And behold, it was hilarious.

The Book of Mormon is a (shitty) fantasy novel, so it's only fitting that Smitty refers to fighting like "dragons" in 20:11. However, he also forgot that his story is not just fantasy, but also fan-fiction of an earlier work: The Bible. And in so doing, created continuity issues with a beast God never created.

The "Flirt to Convert - Convert to Marry - Marry to Fuck" pipeline.

The anti-ASMR of gulping down Smitty's horseshit.

More McTemples!

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#104 Roasting Saints 19

Temple Zero

On "Saints" episode 19 they discuss the dedication of the Kirtland Temple. A historic site currently owned by the The Community of Christ sect of Mormonism, rather than the main "Motherchurch".

The dedication sounded exactly like a regular Pentecostal mass-hypnosis session, complete with charismatic speakers that everyone seemed more than happy to listen to for hours at a time. Smitty and Rigdon must have felt so validated as they regurgitated King James style bastardisations of the English language to such a captive audience.

This first temple is a far-cry from the Masonic hybrid that Mormon temples have become. So naturally, they wheel out the ye-olde "line-upon-line" explanation, as a hypnotic trigger to let themselves off-the-hook for any cognitive dissonace.

Ben Godfrey even convinced himself that Smitty received the plans for this white-box by devine revelation. A design so simple, that if it were red, would resemble a hotel playing-piece from the board-game "Monopoly". He even name-dropped the Joseph Smith Papers website where we could check out the revelation for ourselves.

Turns out it was just DNC 95. Ben seemed so sure that even the interior was described. It wasn't. Instead, Smitty just says what activities are to be performed inside his silly white box.

If the Mothership ever manages to purchase this thing, I wonder if they'll stick a giant bathtub in there, and a stupid video describing Masonic handshakes?

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#103 Mosiah 17-19

Lim-Hi now available in Orange and Grape flavors!

Brother Benjamin is back, and we're powering through another 3 chapters of A-Grade Christianese Babble. Smitty even advances his story in between all the meaningless religious phrases he endlessly decorates his verses with.

In chapter 19 we finally meet Limhi (again). We first met him in chapter 7, but from chapter 9 it's been the implausible backstory of his nation. Or is it a town? Yet it supports a king with an army and guards. Guards who can't spot a dissident, out in the open, baptising people. Guards who need to surround an unarmed docile prisoner, already in custody, in order to place him back in his cell.

Have fun as Smitty sends his characters in and out of the generic "wilderness", and how they somehow bump into each other out there. Smirk as flames cannot shutup the verbose Abinadi who decides to give a sermon while burning alive.

Book of Boredom: keeping the Book of Mormon silly, because it is.

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#102 Crazy Wacky Mormon Shit

Get to the Temple and Drink the Koolaid!

There's been a lot of crazy wacky Mormon shit in the news lately. Sister Divchina and Brother Ed, have been researching it all, so that YOU (and Sister Patience) don't have to!

This might turn into a regular series, because the news stories seem to be breeding like, well... Mormons!

Covered in this episode:

Lori and Chad Daybell. Are they killing everyone by natural causes?

Rusty Nelson's Temple Ritual Changes. With declining numbers willing to operate these monstrosities, Rusty streamlines your trip through hell with some automation. What's next? AI Joe?

Heather Gay, from the show Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, comes out as a "Bad Mormon".

Michael Haight kills everyone because his marriage breaks down.

A giant statue of Joseph Smith finds a home in India's World Peace Dome. Whatever the fuck that is. They take a guy, who formed an army (albeit poorly), and put him in a "peace dome". Weird.

Due to the war in Ukraine, imported leaders of the LDS church in Russia have escaped back to the US. Leaving the remaining Russian Mormons to realise, that if they can't practice English with native speakers over pot-luck meals, why go to church?

Random silliness from the Bishop's Handbook.

Sister Divchina has a very odd conversation in a library.

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#101 Roasting Saints 18

The Erection to Revelation Pipeline

In this 18th instalment of ROASTING the "Saints" podcast... We hear Keith Erekson PhD from the Church History Library, explain to poor Ben and Sarah, how the Book of Abraham came to be!

The hosts were clearly surprised by some of Dr Keith's horseshit. Perhaps most baffling was his explaination of how the book it still inspired by God!

Supposedly, the source for The Book of Abraham is a particular Egyptian papyrus. The same very papyrus that has since been translated in real "uninspired" ways by Egyptologists, and is known to be a funerary scroll titled "Hor Book of Breathing". Nothing even remotely to do with Abraham. But Dr Keith ignores all this, and incorrectly says it contains words re-copied from earlier works originally written by Abraham (the OG Hebrew Patriarch).

Aside from ROASTING "Saints", Sister Gigi tells a vomit filled story, full of alliteration and hilarity; and later even draws the basis for today's episode artwork, live while recording! As usual Sister Patience couldn't help herself and vectorised/modified it a little.

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#100 Mosiah 13-16: How ugly on the mountains...

...are the feet of those who publish horseshit.

Welcome to our 100th episode! And to celebrate, we've done something quite different. Which is just as well, because King Noah seems totally fine to remain silent while Abinadi preaches a damning and soporific sermon. This includes reading aloud the 10 Commandments from an unspecified document that he miraculously has access to as a prisoner. Also, Smitty decides to fallback on his greatest hits, and regurgitates more chunks of Isaiah. So naturally, we couldn't let him get away with it... Enjoy!

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.