#087 Roasting Saints 13

A Partridge in a Prickly Pear Tree

Today we listen to Saints episode 13, and roast it until

charred.

How can you tell if a prophet is speaking as a regular human,

or as a prophet? At what point are they just false prophets?

Mormonism doesn't know, so it's no wonder Smitty could

swindle his way to the top, even when his revelations

were repeatedly shown to be undevine.

Key Comments:

Leman Copley leaves the church, and tells the commie Mormons mooching off his land, to get out of his yard!

Smitty keeps moving where God tells him "Zion" will be. So now we have "Zions". But the truth is, Smitty was not a prophet, and was a con-man.

Seeing is not believing. Ezra Booth apparently joined Joseph Smith's crew because he saw him heal someone's arm. But Ezra clearly held prophets to higher standards than some of his peers. When Smitty's revelations didn't hold water, Ezra left the church. I guess he re-evaluated what once seemed like proof, to be much less.

Joseph gets served some truth while canooing with "friends".

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#086 Christianese Proto-Waffle

And it came to pass that Genetics says nayyyyy

Brother Jones makes some shitty waffles. Smitty narrates

his character of King Benjamin waffling-on, like a drunk

telling a disorganised story recursively. I wonder why?

We discuss the Founder Effect: the loss of genetic variation

observable in isolated people groups established by

very few "founders". Because they are isolated, the

groups receive little or no new genetic information

over time, from the larger population

they are isolated from.

The term is often used when the isolating factor is

geographical, but the effect holds true when the

reason is social (including religious).

Infamously obvious in the birth defects of inbred

royal families, such as the Habsburgs of the

middle-ages. Much less pronounced, the effect has been

cited as the cause of skeletal birth anomalies amongst

the Amish of the United States.

And as we discuss, the founder effect created by

ye olde polygamous Mormon families cannot be doing

anything good for their health. Especially when

young men have a tendency to be excommunicated, and

patriarchs collect wives like they are trapping Pokemon.

Other High or Low lights:

Jesus gives the best head (Mosiah 5:8).

The dire consequences for amnesia (Mosiah 5:9-12).

Smitty doesn't remember the 70000 Israelis that died the last time a Jewish king tried to take a census (2 Samuel 24), and narrates his King Benji character taking a roll call (Mosiah 6:1).

King Benji remembers the people had houses after keeping them impractically in tents for no reason (Mosiah 6:3).

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#085 Roasting Saints 12: Disneyland on Crack

And the beer tastes better in Utah

Sister Divchina joins us once again, to tell us about her recent tour of historical Mormon landmarks! We debate the pros / cons of de-regulating marriage to the point of zero government involvement, no legal meaning, and the implications of that. Oh, and we have some fun with Saints episode 12 too.

Trip Highlights:

Beer tasting at a Utah brewery.

Covering those bare shoulders, and blending in at Deseret Books.

The statue of a beehive, that looked oddly phalic.

Visiting Nauvoo, and experiencing the sideshow of Mormon sects forced to get along.

Other discussions:

The heavenly and physical unpaid labour of women.

How fence in / fence out laws influenced the development of Salt Lake City.

The lamest Mormon celebration ever - waving a white hanky around at the opening of a temple. AKA The Wanky Hanky.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#084 Mosiah 4: Indiana Joseph

And the ventriloquist king!

Indiana Joseph wants us to know that

King Benji, and his silly angel are not ventriloquists.

But primarily, he wants your stuff. All your stuff.

And he wants you to BELIEVE so hard you might get a Cher

song stuck in your head. Coz none of Mosiah 4 will

stay with you. It's teflon coated, and says nothing new.

It's pure rambling.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#083 Roasting Saints 11: In the Morridor...

...there is evil that does not sleep

In the early years of the land of small government,

Mormonism is so toxic, that the government steps in

and tells the door-to-door Mormon salesmen to

fuck all the way off. Oh, and so does Abigail Williams!

Smitty rides into town, swinging his massive dick around,

and Sidney Rigdon knows he can't measure up. So he puts

his member away, and hands his members over to Smitty.

Other Discussions:

C'mon lawyers, get those class action suits against the LDS corporation in, help compensate victims, and let's bankrupt this mofo.

Arizona: the crotch of Utah.

The Morridor: a column of land choc-full of Mormons from Rexburg in Idaho, to Phoenix in Arizona. There is wickedness there that does not sleep.

As a kid, Brother Jones' Boy Scouts troupe was so well lead by wilderness experts, that they only became lost in the mountains twice!

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#082 Mosiah 3: Bloody Clean

A poetry slam at Ikea while scouring aluminium cookware with a Brillo pad.

What can anyone say about this innane

compressed wombat shit?

Brother Benjamin said it best:

"Yeah I don't know who the 'they' are either.

Unless he's talking about the words themselves."

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#081 Roasting Saints 10: Mormons with Crobars

I married into Mormonism, and all I got was this STD.

Smitty tells Hyrum that in every generation

there will be just one mouthpiece

for the Church (ie "Shutup Hyrum this is my con!").

Come on Smitty! Even the later seasons of Buffy

had more than one Slayer.

We discuss the post-dunk "Confirmation Ceremony"

where the baptized is given a gift of nothing

(the Holy Ghost). Seems a bit cheap.

Other amazing highlights that didn't warrant a paragraph:

Meet Slumlord Mormon.

Brother Benjamin and Sister Patience do gross ASMR while waiting for Sister Gigi to connect.

Doctor Brad sees dead people, burns rubber, and becomes convinced his wife needs more air.

The "new" alleged photo of Joseph Smith.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#080 Killdeer Burning Man Tent Revival

Mosiah 2: E-Theth-Eth-Etheth

God lends us breath (at a reasonable interest rate).

Smitty steals his narrative (again).

The Unquenchable-Heartburn of Guilt (God).

Brother Benjamin tells more about the Regional Burn he

attended. We all learn about a little desert bird called a

"Killdeer".

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#079 The Roast of Susan Bednar's Husband

Bednarator 2026 - I AM SCRIPTURE

We take a break from roasting "Saints" this week, to roast

an "apostle". Join us as we bang-out a shallow-dive into

David Bednar's greatest analogies,

and miraculous redefinitions. Can we find the ticking

heart in the healthiest looking cyborg

sitting on the Quorum of the Twelve?

Memorable Moment 1:

Sister Gigi: "He [Bednar] has a Masters of Arts degree in Organisational Communication. That just means if you were reading the book 1984 by George Orwell, this is the guy that's in charge of the Ministry of Information."

Memorable Moment 2:

Brother Jones' response to seeing the Singing Preacher from Poltergeist II (who is a dead-ringer for The Bednarator) "That's a lot of teeth right there!"

Assorted Brownie Chunks:

Mormon "Don't ask don't tell".

Sister Gigi gives Doctor Brad a shitty xmas present.

"This is REAL COFFEEEEEE!"

What's in Utah's sewer water?

Dating comiserations reveal The So Called Church's main draw card.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#078 Let's go camping, and get an abortion!

Mosiah 1: A callback from the Plates of Ass

Shirtless and Magnificent(TM) Brother Benji

rewrites holy scripture.

Brother Jones accidentally appears in episode 2 of

"Mormon No More". And the Liahona makes a comeback,

but Smitty hasn't named it yet, so it sounds really stupid.

Other Riveting Banter:

Things that are NOT the responsibility of politicians.

Helaman and the Masters of the... Zarahemla?

Sister Patience and Brother Benji profess their appreciation of actress Krysten Ritter.

The word "hitherto" and its overuse in the temple presentation.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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Patreon (Bonus Episodes)

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Website

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.