Book Retorts

Sam takes on another Cinderella adaptation, because there are literally thousands of them, with the 2023 movie Cinderella in the Caribbean. Or possibly Cinderella on the Island, Danielle is unclear. It doesn’t matter because it’s irrelevant to the plot (the very, very loose plot). Cinderella, sorry, Ashlyn, is living her best life. She’s estranged from her horrible family, cruising through college, living in her own apartment without roommates, with a great diverse group of friends, and has both a job she loves and that loves her. But wait! Is that an inciting incident that doesn’t make sense on the horizon? When Ashlyn receives a wildly last minute invitation to her step-mother’s wedding in order for Miriam to play the part of adoring parent for her fiance, Bruce, she decides to drop her absolutely great life to surround herself with people who hate her in exchange for tuition money she doesn’t really need. Totally fine though, Bruce’s son (probably named Noah, or maybe Chad) is super hot. Or at least a 6(ish). And sparks fly. Which is good, because otherwise her entire trip is just a reminder that she should have sought therapy for her deep-seated need to do anything anyone tells her. When the fake happy family plan starts to break down (because her step-family doesn’t understand how plans work), will she still get her prince charming? Will (probably) Noah overcome his face blindness and see her for who she truly is? Or will we realize that Bruce was the actual true villain all along?

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle takes us back to the world of psychic lawyer sidekicks in the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). Sam struggles to remember the previous episode but does recall his fury at the depiction of a justice system in this series so far. Danielle assures him that this episode delivers the goods and will leave him less angry. She is lying. We return at the point where Hye Seong is in a hospital after somehow being stabbed, and quickly flashback to the trial of Joon Gook. Despite everyone pretty much knowing he murdered Hye Seong’s mom, his case is dismissed on account of him being just too good of buddies with the victim. Soo Ha, meanwhile, has gone rogue and decides to test Hye Seong’s safety by throwing a smoke bomb into her home. He grossly underestimates her stupidity as she almost doesn’t make it out alive. After that stunning success, Soo Ha decides to fight Joon Gook. This goes about as well as you expect and winds up with everyone but Joon Gook getting stabbed. Soo Ha disappears after that, and then Joon Gook’s severed hand is found floating in the water. What could have happened? Where is Soo Ha? And most importantly, are the basketball hooligans the heroes we really need? While we’re confident the answer to the last question is yes, join us on this episode to find out the rest! Maybe!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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The magic is back as Sam shares the 1989 film Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II. After an arduous search, the sequel to Sam’s favorite movie is here at last! After a rocky recap by Danielle, the story begins with Caedmon of Nog breaking the fourth wall and then be ordered on a quest by a wizard in his cooking pot. Said wizard, Vanir, commands Caedmon, his worst student, to go find a boy chosen one (of course) whom he will train to overthrow the three evil wizards that have taken over the three kingdoms. Caedmon sets off to find the boy, Tyor (not Tyler), identified by the mark of Vanir (read: random birthmark) on his armpit. Tyor is all too willing to go with Caedmon, most likely because he’s the horniest wizard in the three kingdoms but the only woman near him thus far was his mother. So the quest begins! Caedmon and Tyor travel to defeat each of the three evil wizards and free the people, but actually don’t really do much since Tyor is less a chosen one and more a whiny kid who gets yelled at by Vanir until things just kinda work out for him. Adventure! If you’re wondering what this has to do with Simon, Shurka, Kor, Aura or literally anything from the first movie, so are we, and how the magic works in this universe is somehow even less clear after this movie. So if you’re ready for a sequel where its biggest link to the previous movie is the liberal use of footage from other movies, then get ready to be ensorcelled!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Sam and Danielle are on spring break this week, so while we soak up some sun enjoy this holiday throwback!

For part two of this year’s Winter Bizarre Danielle brings the third installment of the Netflix film series with The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star. Margaret is the queen of the small European country of Montenaro who happens to have two identical doppelgängers: Former Chicago baker now princess Stacy and Fiona, her cousin and former kidnapper of Stacy. Montenaro is hosting an international Christmas festival (which is, apparently, a thing) and the Vatican has loaned them the Star of Peace, a relic belonging to St. Nicholas. Due to security that can charitably be described as “utter clown shoes” the star is immediately stolen. Under the threat of excommunication, Margaret commutes her felonious cousin’s sentence so she can tap her criminal network to track down the star. Fiona puts her large network of one person to work and identifies that the star is being held by a nefarious hotelier. Instead of informing Interpol—who are investigating—of this development, Marget, Fiona, and Stacy plan a comically amateur heist that involves flirtation, sexy laser dancing, and, of course, lots of switching. The consequences for failure are almost certainly death at the hands of the villainous hotelier, which Sam thinks is a fair bit worse than excommunication for not heisting the star back. Throughout all of this, Sam has serious questions on the state of the Montenaro monarchy, which seems rife with nepotism, incompetence, and princess switching. Despite that, Danielle and Sam come up with a pretty good pitch for The Princess Switch 4, so Netflix, if you’re listening, call us!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle continues on with her own Hyperion: the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). We dive right back in where we left off, and while Sam remembers what happened in the last episode, don’t count on his recap making any sense. The murderous twins are back in action, but with the added twist of their defense attorney completely giving up any semblance of ethics and gunning for them to be locked up in prison. This causes Sam to lose his mind. Meanwhile, Joon Gook has started working for Hye Seong’s mom because this dude cannot just let a revenge go and insists on trying to murder everyone in the most obvious ways. Soo Ha, psychic boy wonder, doesn’t have a lot to do but he seems to have given up high school to be a full-time sidekick to Hye Seong; which given her track record might be betting on the wrong horse. As the multiple storylines converge, Sam sees a glimmer of hope that we might get a break from the insanity, but if the haphazard retelling of eight different plot lines doesn’t reel you in, surely Sam being apoplectic at the many miscarriages of justice might sway you.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Sam recaps his first Jackie Chan movie, which seems surprising given his enthusiasm, with the 2024 comedy Panda Plan. To be clear, pandas are not making plans, humans are making plans about pandas; much to Danielle’s dismay. When Jackie Chan (playing himself) is asked to adopt a rare baby panda (metaphorically, for posterity. Again, much to Danielle’s dismay), he quickly finds himself embroiled in a plot by mercenaries (with a menacing warship?) to steal the little fluffy butted cub for purposes beyond our comprehension. While neither of us question the premise—Jackie Chan “adopting” a baby panda and saving him from mercenaries seems realistic enough—we do quickly question the actual panda plan. Notably because the mercs choose quite literally the busiest day of the year, during the adoption ceremony, in broad daylight, while international superstar and martial arts enthusiast Jackie Chan is present, to invade the Jurassic Park style island zoo. Oh, now it makes sense that they own a menacing boat. If only they had asked the panda for a better plan. Throw in a flirtatious robot (oh, by the way, there’s a robot), a panda nanny, and a shocking twist ending for what might be Sam’s best recap of a Jackie Chan movie yet.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle goes for round two in her recap of the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). We start where we left off: A girl fresh out of a coma is testifying before the world’s worst lawyer and her psychic teenage friend. When the testimony doesn’t go as planned, Hye Seong and co-worker Kwon Woo dress up as high-schoolers to do the detective work the police apparently never did, even though it’s gone to court. Evidence is unnecessary, apparently. If that sounds interesting, too bad, because we quickly move on to another case where twins are being tried for the same murder that only one of them committed. This almost breaks Sam as he begins to realize that Danielle had tried to warn him about how he’d question his very sanity trying to unravel the (fictional, we hope) Korean justice system and he was not prepared. Meanwhile, more importantly (probably), the murderer of Soo Ha’s dad is fresh out of jail. He’s reformed and it’s totally fine, everyone; he definitely won’t stalk or attempt to kill them. The police said so, and they’d know. And finally, in case you wondering if there was more, we get to the real plot of the story, as the basketball players you thought didn’t matter become startlingly relevant as Sam realizes the actual plot of this show: Petty grievances and how to revenge them.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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In an unexpected twist, Sam recaps a movie from his childhood, this time the 1985 classic D.A.R.Y.L. that is definitely not a horror movie and definitely not about robots. When Daryl, an amnesiac child is (definitely not) pushed from the side of a mysterious car in the woods, he is taken in by a couple that the movie swears are good parents (they definitely are not). Unfortunately, Daryl is too perfect, which no parent ever has complained about except these ones. We soon learn that Daryl is not everything he appears to be and when the foster parents are forced to give him up to better parents, chaos ensues, and we quickly realize that Danielle is willing to list any and all ways to “get rid” of a child, and Sam is willing to list any and all 1985 computer specs. As usual, what promises to be a fun, family film devolves rapidly into the dark underworld of ineffective parenting and the morality of using children for evil. So, the usual shenanigans.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle goes back to her roots with a recap of the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려), which is ostensibly about a teen who can hear your inside voice. Or possibly a lawyer who can hear the metaphorical voice of justice. You decide. Either way, we’ve got a mind-reading law drama! Which is everything Sam always wanted in life, if he’d ever admit to wanting Danielle to recap another kdrama. Anyway, after young Soo-ha sees his father get murdered in front of him and somehow manages to get a mind-reading superpower out of the deal, we jump ahead ten years where now in his final year of high school, he’s been chasing after every woman with black hair in Korea trying to find the sole legitimate witness to the crime who helped send the murderer to jail. Apparently his seeing the murder didn’t count. Meanwhile, Hye-sung (the sole legitimate witness) has grown up and become an apathetic lawyer, shedding her old habits of telling the truth, standing up for what she believes in, and helping the downtrodden. Law seems like a perfectly reasonable career to have gone into. No notes. Luckily, Soo-ha finally stumbles upon her when she’s hired (for…reasons) as a public defender, and though she’s excited to continue her apathy at a higher pay scale, he’s there to show her the error of her ways. Mostly by mind-reading everyone at her trials to help her win. Which is great timing, because Soo-ha’s friend is up for attempted murder and needs a public defender. If you ever wondered what would happen in a society where you’re innocent until proven guilty unless you’re guilty until proven innocent and have a 1% chance of freedom, join us for this multi-part saga; Danielle’s Hyperion, if you will. In what promises to be a delightful romp that makes you question everything you ever knew about the Korean justice system (which, for us, is nothing), and, honestly, mind-reading.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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This week Sam takes on another adventure quest with the 2025 movie Fountain of Youth. Join Luke (John Krasinski) as he gallivants around town stealing art with zero repercussions. After his latest art theft, he goes to London to ruin his sister Charlotte’s (Natalie Portman) life by stealing from the museum she curates and getting her fired. You’d think John Krasinski could pull off making that charming, but you’d be wrong. None of that matters because now that she’s been fired, Charlotte can join in on his latest scheme! What scheme is that? Why, it’s leading a billionaire-backed expedition to locate the the Fountain of Youth (which neither fountains nor youths, but that’s for another time) to cure the benefactor’s liver cancer. Why you ask? Fame and glory. Definitely not to follow in their father’s Indiana Jones footsteps regardless of what the movie tells you. This, of course, requires stealing a bunch of Renaissance art because six artists hid clues in their paintings for some unfathomable reason, though not really in their paintings, more just kinda on them. This leads our heroes to some of the lamest puzzle solving this side of The DaVinci Code which Sam complains about. A lot. This has made them a target for Interpol and Charlotte has dragged her eleven-year-old son on the lamb with her in a bid to become the world’s worst mother. There’s also some psychic protector of the Fountain hot on their trail, though she proves remarkably inept. None of this can prepare our hosts for the end of this movie which is so incomprehensible it completely breaks their brains. This is in no way aided by a brief exposition cameo by Stanley Tucci, and in fact only muddies things further. So join us on a rip-roaring adventure that leaves Sam begging Danielle to watch the movie herself to see if she can figure it out. We’re sure it makes sense to someone, just not us.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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