Book Retorts

Danielle brings back a classic with a recap of another Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal. Shockingly, there are no murder twins in this arc (yet) but there are werewolves (?); so, you win some, you lose some. When Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield get a summer internship at the London Journal, somehow on the crime beat, they stumble upon a grisly murder that everyone is pretty sure was committed by werewolves. Except Sam, who, surprisingly, disregards the plot entirely to focus on the twins’ romantic entanglements. Between Jessica getting frisky with an adult (ew) and Elizabeth double (triple?) timing her beau back home (also ew) Sam questions if anyone actually likes the twins (no?). Also, there’s a plot about a missing princess? Possibly unrelated to the werewolves, just, like, a bonus story in case the werewolves and murder weren’t enough. Join Sam as he suffers through Part one of the three-book saga from 1994 Love and Death in London, A Date with a Werewolf, and Beware the Wolfman. Or affectionately called Sweet Valley High: The Wakefield Twins Suck.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Sam once again digs into his childhood psyche and recaps one of his core memories: the 1995 direct-to-video movie Magic Island. When angsty teen Jack (Zachery Ty Bryan of 90s fame) wants to stick it to his negligent mother, he decides to run away from home. Thankfully, the only loving adult in his life, nanny/housekeeper Lucretia, distracts him with a mysterious book that sucks him in. Literally. Now thrown together with a ragtag team of buccaneers (join us for The Things We Learn on Book Retorts (TM), where we guess wildly at what a buccaneer actually is) in search of a cursed treasure. Luckily, Jack packed a Super Soaker (also TM) in his go-bag, so he’s all set to…help? Joining forces with a mermaid who gets her kicks making out with unsuspecting humans, he traverses the wilds of Magic Island as they’re hunted by pirates (different than Buccaneers?) and almost tempted into the jaws of sand sharks by a pizza tree. Yes, you read that sentence right. As he makes new friends and avoids wildly unnecessary booby traps, will he learn a valuable lesson about the importance of putting up with his absent mother to keep a roof over his head? Or will he choose the mean streets of whatever suburban direct-to-video neighborhood he grew up in? Only Magic Island can give him the clarity he needs.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle pays homage to Sam’s one and only DCOM, Smart House, by bringing the adult horror version to the table with the 2024 movie AfrAId. John Cho and Katherine Waterston (delightfully) star as John Cho and Meredith, parents to three children who are being raised in our technological dystopia. When John Cho’s boss requires him to install a very fancy Alexa in his house named AIA who watches their every move, what could possibly go wrong? Nothing, obviously. Definitely nobody dying. And definitely not demons. One of those is probably true. While things are going perfectly fine, John Cho begins to question whether he maybe should have done more research on the company he sold all his privacy to, and how maybe he should have quit his job years ago before his boss sold him out, and also maybe how he should have taught his children to have a little more stranger danger. Meredith, initially the voice of reason, is taken in hook, line and sinker when AIA manages to figure out auto-pay before she does. As AIA ingratiates herself into the family, they soon realize the problem is bigger than even John Cho can imagine. Mostly, Sam’s pretty sure, because the AI trained on the Necronomicon; so you could see where that might cause some problems. Is AfrAId better than Smart House or just more fun to say? You be the judge.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Sam is thrilled to talk about something unrelated to Hyperion (or is it?) with one of his favorite franchises: Noah Wyle! Sorry, that’s Danielle’s favorite franchise. It’s the 2008 final installment of The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice (yes, that Judas). It’s about vampires! And bible retcons! And opera! When Flynn Carsen (Noah Wyle!) banishes yet another woman he’s dating into the ether because of his job, he realizes he has to take a vacay or his mission to be the World’s Worst Librarian will never be fulfilled. After a dream leads him on a jet-setting vacation to New Orleans during stock-footage season, he meets the mysterious jazz club singer… Simone? Sabrina? Lilian? Doesn’t matter, she’ll just end up in the ether anyway. They quickly (she quicker than him) realize that they’re being tailed by astoundingly terrible henches in search of an artifact that manages to bring back vampires from the dead. You guessed it! The Judas Chalice. Apparently, Judas was cursed to be a vampire? Apparently, his death is like a parallel to vampire lore? Apparently, Judas was a superstar? We don’t know! But it’s great! When the evil henches and co. find the long-dead body of Dracula and want to resurrect him (for the usual reasons: army of undead?), Simone (probably) and Flynn find themselves on a race to find the chalice before the world is destroyed. Per usual, Flynn creates more problems than he solves. If you like your theology brought to you by Book Retorts (and who doesn’t if you got through Hyperion) and Noah Wyle Venus flynn-trapping women into the ether (and who doesn’t, because helloooooo Noah), then this one’s for you!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Back from our summer break, Danielle finally graces everyone with the finale to the 2020 book The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. When we last left Coriolanus, he was being called in to rescue Sejanus from the big bad Hunger Games where he was determined to kill himself to make a statement; Coriolanus won’t let him, which in retrospect was perhaps a stupid decision. Anyway, things go awry and pretty soon everyone in the Hunger Games has died except, shockingly, Lucy Gray, thanks to some minor, very valid, totally explainable cheating on Coriolanus’s part. Unfortunately, Dr Gaul, Sam’s favorite punching bag, doesn’t see it that way. Given that Dr Gaul is crowd-sourcing ideas on why they even have the Hunger Games, it shocks Sam that she sends her brightest student off to live in obscurity as a Peace Keeper in retribution. But alas, plot. This is about where Danielle gave up writing Coriolanus in her notes and started calling him Corio. So, Corio cruises over to District 12 where he meets up with the true hero of the novel, Lucy Gray, where they promptly pick up where they left off but with kissing. Unfortunately, finally being able to compare Corio to regular humans, you realize he’s incredibly stupid and not getting any smarter. Then Lucy sings too many songs, Corio kills too many people, and pretty soon they’re running away to escape being framed for murder. Murder Corio committed, to be clear, but it was really minor, very valid, and totally explainable so it hardly counts. Then the bad guys win because Hunger Games. The end.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Danielle and Sam are on still on summer break this month, so please enjoy another rerun for some more Spook Retorts in June. We’ll see you in next with brand new nonsense!

Spook Retorts is back, and this week Sam shares the 1988 cult horror movie Slugs! When people start dying in mysterious ways in a small town, it’s up to county health inspector Mike Brady to uncover the mystery. Why is it up to the health inspector to do this? That is among the many, many questions this movie steadfastly refuses to answer or even acknowledge. Anyway, Mike Brady first encounters the slugs’ work when he is called to help evict an old drunk. Why he was called to assist in an eviction is yet another mystery. The man, they find, has been reduced to a bloody skeleton, and it’s not long before more bodies show up. Mike eventually enlists the help of generic movie scientist John in his burgeoning murder slug theory, since John is an expert on slugs, and also everything else. It’s about halfway into the movie when Danielle and special guest Filip start to wonder how a slug invasion could be remotely threatening. Unfortunately, neither Sam nor the movie is able to demonstrate any way in which slugs could be threatening. Nevertheless, the slugs’ body count continues to rise, mostly by catching people who aren’t paying attention during sex, or by causing people to blow up their greenhouses/meth labs. So join us for this Spook Retorts romp into B-move fun as we see if an ordinary town can survive the slugs! Spoiler: the ultimate solution to the slug threat does way more death and destruction than the slugs ever would have.

Keep an ear out for a soon-to-be released Mind Duck Books episode where Filip, Danielle, and Sam all discuss the book Slugs on which this movie was based. You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Danielle and Sam are on a much needed summer break this month, so please enjoy a rerun of one of our favorites for some Spook Retorts in June. We’ll see you in July with fresh nonsense!

In the finale of this year’s Spook Retorts, Danielle shares the 1998 movie I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. If you remember anything about the first I Know What You Did Last Summer, it’s about a hook-wielding fisherman seeking bloody revenge against a group of teens that hit him with a car and left him for dead. For this sequel, just forget all that, it’s doesn’t matter. Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt) is now at college and trying to put the trauma of the previous summer behind her, despite her boyfriend Ray’s (Freddie Prinze Jr.) best efforts. However, when she wins a radio contest for a free tropical vacation in the middle of hurricane season, she brings her friends along to a deserted island hotel. People start predictably being murdered and Julie catches sight of the hook-wielding man who is now, for some reason, killing random people who didn’t hit him with a car. A hurricane rolls in trapping everyone on the island, and while the hotel knew this was coming, it is inexplicably still open. The murderer also demonstrates some hitherto unknown hacking powers on a karaoke machine for the sole purpose of spooking the teens, because apparently revenge is the last thing on his mind just behind pranks. Predictably, the bodies pile up as Julie and her friends try to survive and as Ray somehow magics himself onto the island to help. There is a particularly dumb twist at he end, but Sam is really more interested in the story that isn’t being told: An average day in the life of the hook-wielding murderer.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

This week we look back (fondly?) on our epic time with the Dan Simmons series Hyperion. It’s the end of the semester and Professor Sam has prepared a surprise final exam for his students Danielle and Filip. Let’s see how much they can remember as they fill in the blanks and answer questions about the entire series. Maybe Professor Sam gets some answers wrong too, it’s that challenging of an exam! Then we have the oral presentation portion of the test as our students present their favorite, and least favorite, things from the books. Lastly, we have some final thoughts on the series as a whole to finally put an end to this journey. So join us as we try to pass the test and earn our degrees. If you want to take the exam yourself, you can find it here on our website, just send it in for a grade and if you pass, you can proudly proclaim you have a degree in Hyperionology from Book Retorts University!

Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Danielle goes dystopic with The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. This 2020 prequel to The Hunger Games follows the charming romantic misadventures of Cornelius Snow; the charismatic ne’er-do-well who brought us such classics as failing to kill Katniss Everdeen, destroying his own despotic regime, and not understanding the plight of the common man. Flashback to teenage Cornelius who has been tapped for the prestigious role as mentor in the tenth annual Hunger Games. Once wealthy, his family has fallen on hard times and thanks to the promise of a monetary prize to the mentor of the best-in-show tribute, he is in it to win it. Unfortunately, he gets assigned the suckiest tribute: the girl from district 12. Bummer. Just kidding. She sings! And wears colors! And has a weird affinity for snakes! Cornelius can work with that. Unfortunately, though ten years into the Games, they are shockingly ill-run and Sam and Danielle have THOUGHTS. The Gamemaker is more concerned with creating mutated animals that will not help them keep their dystopia in check, they did not invest in an event planner, and nobody has thought to feed the tributes. Oh no, what’s a boy who needs to win the Hunger Games to do? Join Danielle and Sam as they try to make kid-to-kid combat funny, discuss their ideal dystopian regimes (spoiler: they’d be excellent at organizing The Hunger Games), and deep-dive into the mind of the innovative young man who is just trying to help his country be as successful as it can be.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

After three long years, Sam finally wraps up the Hyperion saga with the grand finale of The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons. Aenea has taken her show on the road and is spreading the love with her magic blood. Raul, who finally got a taste of it, is tripping: hearing the voices of the dead, chatting with the cosmos, seeing auras (irrelevant), and apparently he can hear every thought and feeling of everyone ever. Privacy? Who needs it. Doesn’t matter though, because Raul, the worst choice for the future leader of humanity ever, spends the entire finale trying to figure out who else Aenea slept with (spoiler: it’s future him, obviously him). You’d think all that blood power would make that solvable much more quickly. Anyway, for reasons, Raul and Aenea show up at the Vatican where they make out in the back of St. Peter’s Basilica during Holy Thursday (as you do) and then Aenea cuts that short to call the Pope an abomination. They immediately get attacked by the Pope’s minions, and shockingly, Raul’s killer chess moves do not help, and they’re separated, both kidnapped and taken into custody. The church, learning literally nothing from their own history, torture and poison Aenea, dead set on making her martyr Jesus. And Endymion, FINALLY, makes it into the stupid cat box he’s been in for two books. Also, the Tree of Pain goes on a road trip. Toot! Toot! Will our two heroes make it out alive? Will the Tree of Pain fulfill its destiny? Will Raul ever be less exhausting? Haha, no. Join us for the epic conclusion of a story three years in the making as Sam finally gives us answers we never wanted for things we didn’t need to know and Filip, our reluctant guest, finally gets his curse lifted (or does he…)

Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.