Book Retorts

While Danielle and Sam are still recovering from the holidays, enjoy this bonus Winter Bizarre rerun of the SyFy…classic? Snowmageddon!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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Danielle brings her belated offering to this year’s Winter Bizarre with the 2025 Christmas movie My Secret Santa. While Sam was all in on the idea of it being about a kidnapped Santa Claus, he’s not disappointed to find out it’s actually just Mrs. Doubtfire in a Santa suit. When ex-famous-teen-rock-star-now-quality-control-at-a-cookie-factory, Taylor, finds herself jobless just before the holidays, she has to go to extremes to pay for her daughter’s acceptance to “one of the best” snowboarding camps in the country; rent and food be darned. This camp seems to have zero scholarships, zero entry requirements, and is starting in only days. Good news! If you work at the resort where it’s hosted you get 50% off tuition. Bad news! The only position available is Santa (also a manager position, but let’s pretend there isn’t). What’s a girl to do? Good news! Luckily her brother seems to run a full time costume shop out of his apartment and hooks her up with a very convincing Santa costume. Bad news! The hot guy from her earlier meet-cute in town turns out to be the wayward fail-son of the billionaire owner of the resort. Good news! She gets the job pretending to be Hugh Mann, Santa at Large. Bad news! Her meet-cute gets the manager position because nepotism. As always, shenanigans ensue as Taylor balances her new Santa life with trying to be a mom and love interest. Also, again, an ex-rock star, which is woefully underutilized. Taylor is truly awful as Santa, telling kids to let their Christmas dreams go for more practical gifts like toothbrushes, but is very convincing as Hugh, much to the fail-son’s consternation as he finds himself falling for Taylor and being oddly captivated by Santa himself. Anyway, long story short, after a series of reviews express their dislike of the new Santa (we review Santas?), Taylor changes her ways, taking on both the patriarchal Santa conspiracy and bringing down the elitist billionaire capitalistic horror show we all live in, changing the world, and Christmas, forever. No, just kidding. None of that happens.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Sam goes where he’s never gone before for our sixth annual Winter Bizarre with a delve into his teen psyche as he recaps A Very Jonas Christmas Movie from 2025. Does he know anything about the Jonas Brothers? No. But neither does Danielle, so it’s fine. We quickly learn there are three of them, which Danielle was pretty sure about having paid some modicum of attention to the last twenty years of music, but Sam was guessing on through context. Unfortunately, other than that, the movie is short on details about the lives of the Bronases, expecting if you are choosing to watch this movie you already have some insider knowledge. They’d be wrong. In a surprising twist of movie-telling, when the Bronases are going to be separated for the holidays post-tour (which frankly, they should be for their mental health), Santa decides to help them out by gifting them the curse of not being able to leave Europe and make it home to their families in the states for Christmas. Yes, Santa does think that three grown, wealthy men who have a private jet are the protagonists of a holiday movie. Yes, the movie is not about the inherent system inequalities of the industrial wealth complex and how the Bronases overcome it to become better people. Yes, Santa does think these men with families who just spent every day of the last six months together on tour need to skip seeing their children to spend more time together. Santa…what are you doing right now? Anyway, morality aside, cue shenanigans as the trio Planes, Trains, & Automobiles all over the continent trying to escape the curse of Santa. Oh, did we mention it’s a musical? And we don’t mean a “of course, it has musical numbers, the Jonas Brothers are on tour”, we mean a full-on musical with dance sequences in train stations. Does that make up for the premise? Honestly, yes. Did Danielle watch this the moment Sam was done talking about it? Also, yes. The Bronases are shockingly delightful as they gallivant around Europe in search of…each other? Per usual, therapy would solve these issues. Per usual, nobody gets therapy and their emotions are solved by literal magic. Oh, holiday movies, never change.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

If you ever wondered if guinea pigs would make good spies, do we have a movie for you. Danielle recaps the 2009 spy…thriller? G-Force. Which perhaps stands for Guinea Pig Force, but since there’s a mole and a fly involved, maybe not? Not important. When Zach Galifianakis’s elite guinea pig (and co.) task force is about to be on the figurative chopping block at the FBI, they decide to go rogue to show them how amazing they can be. Stumbling across a plot for world destruction brought to you by arms dealer-cum-appliance magnate, Bill Nighy (the British guy-hy), the guinea pigs are sure they’ll impress, but when everything goes awry their program is shut down. Now on the literal chopping block, they make a run for it ending up at a local (and horrifying) pet store. Shenanigans ensue. Appliances come to life. Children try to murder guinea pigs with lacrosse sticks. Microwaves use cake for rodent bait. Animals may or may not be sentient; it’s deeply unclear. And yet, we promise you, none of that will prepare you for one of the most shocking plot twists in movie history.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

This year we take you back to the beginning with our annual thankers as Danielle and Sam reach into the depths of their personal media history for the experiences they’re thankenful for. So join us as we indulge in nostalgia and thankenfulness!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Sam manages to find another classic Sam film with the 1985 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (or Wizards of Wizard Island, your choice). The summary promises something about galaxies converging and heroes emerging, and there are neither in this sword and sorcery 80s fever dream, but we can promise sheep disguised as humans, magic with zero rules, and a ring of power that seems to be unneeded as, again, the magic has zero rules. Follow our young non-hero, Simon, as he is entrusted with the only thing standing between evil wizard Shurka and his goal to take over the kingdom (the ring), and immediately loses it. Also, there was a sword, but that seems irrelevant. He then, with his human sheep and…bard? Warrior? Adult companion? travels the kingdom trying to get back to the place where he lost it while falling for every trick Shurka throws at him. Hero’s journey? More like hero’s no learny. Meanwhile, a princess is kidnapped and David the Gnome makes a brief appearance. Not important, really. Anyway, will Simon survive buff manticores and hot ladies with grapes? Will he make it back to the princess he doesn’t care about? Who decided on the names for any of the things in this movie? Great questions, but first can we tell you about the new political party Lizards not Wizards?

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

We finish out Spook Retorts: UK not OK (last minute title, sorry not sorry) with a spin through Scotland. This time, with crabs! That’s right, Danielle’s bringing it back to a Book Retorts favorite with another killer crustacean masterpiece, The Origin of the Crabs by Guy N. Smith frin 1974. Have you ever wondered what created those crazy man-eating cow-sized crabs? Too bad. This book is not for you. But if you’re in it for the click click clickety click of outsized pinchers tearing people limb from limb, leaving them to bob adrift in Scottish lochs, boy are you in luck! When large cat-sized (or hare, your choice) crabs are spotted climbing along the banks of a private loch, Bruce McKechnie, town murderer and all around rich jerk, knows his sporting empire may be at an end. Instead of selling tickets to hunt the now sheepdog-sized crabs (the obvious answer), he tries to keep them hidden as the killer crustaceans slowly take out the townspeople one by one (or en masse, depends on their mood). Will anyone survive to fight the crabs? Will McKechnie’s girlfriend make good life choices? Will these baby crabs make it to full cow size? Special guest Filip, from Mind Duck Books, has never been so excited to know, except that last time we did Slugs. He was pretty excited about that.

Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Spook Retorts: UK not OK is back, along with Filip! And more importantly, SLUGS (sorry, Filip). That’s right! Sam has decided to grace us with the 1985 sequel novel to Shaun Hutson’s pulp fiction classic Slugs, the aptly named Breeding Ground. Also about slugs…but slugs who breed. They also have mind control. And sometimes they eat…you know what, let’s start over. Picking up where the last book left off, probably, a slug is eaten off some cabbage by an unfortunate man who pretty immediately dies, luckily by a toilet, unleashing the slugs that have somehow grown in him, into the sewer system. The slugs, true to their book title, breed prolifically, and at speeds previously unknown to man, infecting the suburbs of London. But watch out, now that they’re back, they’re determined to be better than ever, using their mind control (?) powers to make their human incubators…murder each other? We are also perplexed on why you’d destroy the thing you use as a host, but we’re not slugs. Also, sometimes they eat them sans breeding, just for funsies. Like a three-in-one deal. Join Sam as he chronicles a series of slug murders, Mind Ducks Books podcast host and slugspert, Filip, for Slug Fact Corner (doo doo doo doo doo doo doo) and Danielle, who’s just around to question, once again, the abhorrent lack of salt. Will the slugs win out in the end? Will Shaun Hutson consider the best sequel name we’ve ever come up with as a contender for future Slug novels? Will they use a dozen unknowing human sacrifices to lure the slugs to their grave? Get your bacon sandwich and find out why the UK is definitely not OK.

Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Just in time for Spook Retorts, Danielle finishes her recap of Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal, which also introduces our new Spook Retorts Theme: UK not OK. Did you ever think “I wish Danielle would do more of the Wakefield twins but with werewolves?” Sam didn’t, but you’re in luck! We left off finding out Lord Pembroke was deep into werewolf lore, so deep into it in fact, that the police chief has covered up every murder, including of his own fiancée, so that Pembroke could take a crack at finding the wolf before all the other werewolf hunters (???) descend on London. However, he has realized, much to his dismay, that his son might be a lyncanthrope. Anyway, meanwhile, the twins dig deeper into an old scandal that is totally related, regardless of Jessica’s impressive inability to put two and two together. Also, the werewolf is stalking them. Or possibly it’s a human with a nose like a werewolf, or a raccoon. Elizabeth continues to cheat on her boy back home with zero remorse as Robert, Jessica’s fancy boyfriend (son to Pembroke) skips town when he’s accused of being the werewolf murderer in the press. Sadly, this does not bring the werewolf hunters into London, as promised. But, the absolute willingness of every character in this book arc to believe in werewolves is astounding. Also meanwhile, the missing princess (remember her?) thinks about returning home, and while a MISSING PRINCESS would be a major plot point in any other book, it somehow seems to be wildly unrelated to anything. Can Jessica prove her adult boyfriend’s innocence? Will Elizabeth cheating on hers ever come back to bite her? Are they actually all living in an alternate reality where werewolves are a thing? Find out with the finale of the three-book saga from 1994: Love and Death in London, A Date with a Werewolf, and Beware the Wolfman.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.

Sam decides to throwback to his roots with a recap of the 1994 banger Highlander III: The Sorcerer. Or The Final Dimension. Or The Final Conflict. You decide. Which is actually Highlander II because it doesn’t believe in aliens. Anyway, when Connor MacLeod…you know what, it doesn’t matter because this is the exact plot of the first movie but with less Sean Connery, more Japanese trapeze artists, and ILLUSIONS. Did you think there could be only one? We’re sorry, apparently there are more. Picture, if you will, MacLeod training with Ramirez (Mako) but with ILLUSIONS. MacLeod taking on The Kurgan (Mario Van Peebles) but with ILLUSIONS. MacLeod romancing (RIP) Brenda (Deborah Kara Unger) but with ILLUSIONS (and archeology). Adopted child? Check. Bad guy with road rage? Check. Fight on the catwalk (on the catwalk)? Check. The Quickening? Check. Yes, that’s right. The Quickening is back and…better than ever? You thought MacLeod was the last immortal? Sucker. There are immortals for days. Immortals all over the place. Immortals you, and The Quickening, didn’t even know existed. Join Danielle as she fails to recall the first movie entirely, which is fine since Sam goes on to recap it again for two hours, but now with special guest Filip from Mind Duck Books, because much like The Quickening…he’s back, baby!

Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! You can find Mind Duck Books on Twitter and Instagram, and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

For more delightful weirdness, follow us on Bluesky or YouTube.

If you like our content and want more of it, please consider supporting us on Patreon.