Camp Wild Heart

No parent wants to navigate any part of the medical system for their child beyond checkups.

Medical can be a confusing and scary journey.

Of course, we all want to do as little damage as possible to our kiddos, and many parents see medical interventions for transition as a recipe for potential damage.

There is just so much misinformation around the subject of medical. It’s no wonder parents are so confused about it!

And you do not have to navigate this terrain on your own.

You are part of a community now. There are parents who have been through this, and well-trained therapists and endocrinologists who can help you and your family create a plan for whatever comes next.

Our guest today is a well-established and respected member of that community of support.

Dr. Karin Selva is a Chair of the Pediatric Medical Executive Board at Randal Children’s Hospital in Portland, Oregon, and the Director of the Randall CHildren’s Hospital T-Clinic. She’s been rated as a top doctor by Portland Monthly magazine more than 10 times - and with good reason.

Today, we kept our conversation focused to puberty suppression, medication, and her approach to working with young transgender children and adolescents. We’ll hear about other interventions in future episodes.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why it’s a good idea to take your kid to an endocrinologist before puberty starts, starting that relationship early on
• How long you should expect your kid to be on blockers depending upon your goals for transition
• Why puberty blockers aren’t the right fit for everyone and what other option there is
• How to approach medial if your child is non-binary

Learn more about Wild Heart Society:



• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

Without a doubt, the most controversial aspect of raising a transgender child comes with making medical decisions to assist with transition. As we started this podcast, the vast majority of questions I've received from listeners have been on this subject.

And I won't lie: I've been delaying it in large part because first and foremost, I wanted you to know that you're not alone in your journey with your kid. There are many other parents who've been right where you are and without the community to lean on—and it seems like I would have been doing you and your kid a disservice.

Trans kids are kids and they need loved and supported more than anything else.

From my clinical perspective, without the love and connection that only a parent can give we're setting our kids up for the hardest possible path.

So it's my hope that this next series of episodes will help ease some of your fears and ultimately allow you and your family to write some of the most challenging chapters of the playbook that works best for all of you.

This is a huge subject and so, in this episode, my goal is to give you an introduction, answer some basic questions, and dispel a couple of myths when it comes to medical intervention and your trangender kiddo.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• When medical interventions are available to transgender kiddos (and why it’s likely not as young as you think)
• Why an endocrinologist is the best equipped to manage medical care through transition
• When your transgender child should start seeing an endocrinologist
• Ways to support and affirm your child even if medical intervention is not part of the conversation
• How shame is the most damaging and painful of all emotions and how it can make your child feel unloveable and unworthy of love

Find out more about Mackenzie Dunham:

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

Resources:

• PFLAG

As wonderful as this time of year is, and as much as I love it, even I would have to call BS if we didn't also address some of the very obvious and universal stresses that come with it.

Sometimes this is because of family pressure. Sometimes it's our own perfectionism that gets in the way of true joy.

And if you're parenting a kid who has come out as transgender in the last year or two, you’re also dealing with how to navigate this with your extended family.

There’s no one way to do this. There’s no one size fits all model.

In some families, the kiddo does everything. In others, the parents do it all.

That’s why I’m thrilled to have our friend Carmen back on with us along with her husband, Tim to share their experience with difficult conversations, boundary setting, and supporting each other as they move through the tall grass of supporting their transgender kiddo.

I've also invited my badass friend and colleague Jess back on the show. The two of us talk about the questions and advice we've given families over the years as they navigate the holiday season.

• How to engage in difficult conversations with your family about the holidays and supporting your transgender child
• How Carmen and Tim’s holiday traditions and rituals have changed over the years
• How the holidays can be an opportunity to create new traditions for you family
• How boundaries are essential for them and how important it is to have the courage to set them and hold them up—and why boundaries do not have to be agreed upon to be respected

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

• For Trans Boys: Chest binders - gc2b.co
• Swimwear: tomboyX.com; dapperboi.com
• Teen Vogue - Best Gifts For Your Transgender Loved Ones
• Huffington Post - Trans Youth Girfts
• Buzz Feed - Gifts That Support the Trans Community

• The TransSanta Project
• Extra Support: www.thetrevorproject.org
• Transgender Lifeline or call (877) 565-8860

One of the aspects of common humanity and parenting is that we are all doing the best we can and trying to inflict the least amount of damage possible on our kids.

Some days it feels like a hallmark movie and other days, an MMA pay-per-view special. And on some days, it is both. Anyone who tries to pretend it's anything different is just full of crap.

So here's what I've started reminding myself and I encourage you to do the same as you continue on the journey of parenting your transgender kiddos, particularly during the holidays:

There is no path for this.

You are basically pioneering the Wild West of the gender frontier.

And we are certainly in this with you and ready to support and help in any way that we can. But there isn’t a formula, model, one size fits all, or crystal ball that will show you what to do. There are no guarantees.

The only real magic we have is the love and connection we give to our kiddos and to each other.

So as you head into the holiday season, knowing that there's not a path to follow, I want to leave you with a few things to consider when trying to shift this holiday from a hard, grief-filled time to one of joy, gratitude, magic, and love for your kiddos.

Happy Holidays!

• Some ways you can shift this holiday from a hard and grief-filled time to one of joy and gratitude.
• How wrong the myth is that therapists have got it all figured out
• How the desire to be a pleaser, keep the peace, and not have needs can really mean you are striving for the status of invisibility
• How there is no path for this and how the only way out of this wilderness is through it. Do not try to pretend it isn't happening. It will only make it worse.
• This is an awkward journey. You are going to make mistakes. That's okay. You’ve got this!

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

• For Trans Boys: Chest binders - gc2b.co
• Swimwear: tomboyX.com; dapperboi.com
• Teen Vogue - Best Gifts For Your Transgender Loved Ones
• Huffington Post - Trans Youth Girfts
• Buzz Feed - Gifts That Support the Trans Community

• The TransSanta Project
• Extra Support: www.thetrevorproject.org

I know a lot of parents who, when their child first came out to them as transgender, were not surprised and celebrated their child’s ability, courage and willingness to live their life authentically.

However, I also know a lot of parents who started in a place of fear and denial about what their child was telling them. This followed with them pushing back and denying their child the ability to explore what they were feeling in a safe way—or express themselves in a way that felt authentic to them.

For those parents, the journey to understanding and affirming their child is a journey and it usually doesn’t come overnight. Over time, through their own education, self-reflection and growth, these same parents shifted to an affirming lens and started to celebrate their child for who they are.

In between is where it can get messy and, oftentimes, the child is the one who feels the weight of it. Unfortunately, that emotional load can have lifelong repercussions—both for the child and for the parent-child relationship.

In the first part of this episode, you’re going to hear from Brave Mom, Shawna.

Shawna is letting us in on some of the struggles that she and her son have gone through after he came out six years ago and how to be an ally and an advocate for your trans child.

This interview with Shawna will probably bring up a lot of questions for you around how to become an ally to your trans kid.

That’s why I’ve solicited the help of Jenn Burleton.

Jenn is considered an authority and nationally recognized leader on issues relating to transgender and gender diverse children and youth.

In addition to her role as founder and program director of TransActive Gender Project at Lewis & Clark Graduate School of Education and Counseling, Jenn has served on Oregon Health & Science University’s Transgender Program Advisory Committee, and the LGBTQ Child Welfare Workgroup for Multnomah County.

She was awarded the 2014 Multnomah County “Sy Award” for a lifetime commitment to social justice. On top of all of this – she’s one of the few remaining elders of the trans community and an absolute delight.

I fully intend on making her one of my new best friends, and a regular here at Camp.

• Shawna’s experience navigating her relationship with her son throughout his gender journey
• How Shawna has showed up for her son by advocating for him publicly with family members and at his school
• Why advocating for our transgender chilrden can sometimes feel like we’re constantly explaining to people
• Jenn explains why there is no one-size-fits-all playbook for families with transgender kids
• How to avoid damaging your relationship with your kiddo who’s come out as trans

• TransActive Gender Project

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

As parents, we like to believe that we know our child better than anyone. Maybe better even than they know themselves. But do we really?

For some parents, that’s one of the hardest things about making sense of a child coming out as transgender. They didn’t see it coming. How could they have missed something so huge?

Most parents suspect something is going on—but they just don’t know what it is.

When we recognize that something is off with someone we love, we might ask questions like: are you okay? Is there anything going on that you want to talk about?

Sometimes our loved one will tell us: yes, there is something. But most of the time, they usually say everything’s fine and then we go about our day worrying the way only parents and people with anxiety disorders can.

Sometimes we miss it altogether. Sometimes we see it and we're too afraid to ask.

So how do we get our kids to tell us what's really going on?

Today, we’re opening Camp Wild Heart with Brave Mom, Rachel. Rachel is the mother of 15-year-old Archie. Rachel and Archie have been on this gender journey together now for a few years—and they’ve experienced high moments and low moments along the way.

There’s no one way to parent any child. As Rachel shares, there are some ways that she and Archie have written the playbook for their family. And, in some ways, she’s had to grow as a mom in the process.

This interview with Rachel will probably bring up a lot of questions for you.

In the second part of this episode, Dr. Linda Hawkins, PHD., will lend us her expertise and answer some common questions she and I receive from parents as we do this work.

Dr. Hawkins is the Director of the Affirmative Therapy for Transgender Communities Training Program at Widener University & Director of the Gender & Sexuality Development Program at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. She has more than 20 years of experience as a clinician.

• How it’s not only okay but important to ask hard, scary questions
• Why you and your child need to work together to determine what the playbook for support looks like
• How your support playbook is specific to your family—and it might look really different from other families—and that’s OK!

• Dr. Linda Hawkins at Widener

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

• childrensnational.org

If you’re listening to this podcast, I’m guessing that you love someone who is transgender - probably your child.

And many of you might not have known during the last election, that you were parenting a transgender kid. Or maybe in the last election, the stakes didn’t seem so high.

This year, in case you didn’t have a reason to get to show up and vote, I want to make sure you know that your child needs you to vote - for them. Their rights literally depend on it.

Every year, in every state there are pieces of legislation that are aimed specifically at limiting, or reducing the rights of transgender people. So I want you to think about the world your child needs you to help create so that they can live the healthy, content life you’ve always wanted for them.

That world requires them to be able to go to the bathroom in schools and have a learning environment safe for them so that their brain will allow them to learn.

That world requires them to be able to love openly, unashamed, and free.

That world requires them to be able to marry.

That world requires them to be able to walk down the street without being harassed.

That world requires that they can’t be fired based on their gender or sexuality.

That world requires them to have the same rights and protections as cisgender people.

And yes - I think that this year, that matters more than taxes, and pretty much anything else that could affect your child’s wellbeing in the future.

Your kid can’t vote yet and they need you to use your vote to create a community where they can thrive.

I hope it would be abundantly clear who on your ballot is going to work to do that. If it isn’t, I’m sure every candidate has an office full of people ready and willing to talk to you about how they plan to support gender equality and LGBTQ+ rights.

The date to vote is November 3rd.

Parenting a gender-expansive kid means that you and your kid are going to face a lot of people who do not understand gender and a lot of people who have a lot of opinions about how you should raise your child—and that can sometimes include your family members.

Advocating for your child within your family is a common experience for parents of a transgender kiddo. Some parents have no trouble pushing back against their parents, or siblings or grandparents.

But many parents wonder how to go about supporting their kid without rocking the boat with the rest of their extended family. Some parents have spent their entire lives playing by the rules set for them by family.

To have a child that breaks those rules, and forces them to reckon with the armor they have been carrying around with themselves for whatever reason, can be incredibly disorienting.

In the first part of this episode, you’re going to hear Carmen’s story. She is the mother of three kids and two dogs. She’s known a different path of parenting than most of us. Of her three kids, one is medically fragile, two are neurodiverse, one is transgender, and the other is now a tween girl.

Carmen’s been wading through the tall grass of parenting for quite some time, and through it has really come to know herself, and what she stands for very well. She and her spouse have worked hard to create a home where they can and do talk about hard things and lean into difficult conversations regularly.

So, I Have A Question:

This interview with Carmen will probably bring up a lot of questions for you around how to advocate for your transgender kiddo within your family circle.

That’s why I’ve solicited the help of Jenn Burleton. Jenn is considered an authority and nationally recognized leader on issues relating to transgender and gender diverse children and youth.

In addition to her role as founder and program director of TransActive Gender Project at Lewis & Clark Graduate School of Education and Counseling, Jenn has served on Oregon Health & Science University’s Transgender Program Advisory Committee, and the LGBTQ Child Welfare Workgroup for Multnomah County.

She was awarded the 2014 Multnomah County “Sy Award” for a lifetime commitment to social justice. On top of all of this - she’s one of the few remaining elders of the trans community and an absolute delight. I fully intend on making her one of my new best friends, and a regular here at Camp.

Check out the full episode to hear about:

• How to advocate for your transgender child within your family
• The value of having hard conversations consistently—and confronting harmful conversations and mindsets around transness
• The incredible importance of connecting with other parents going through what you’re going through—no matter what stage you’re at with adapting to your child’s gender experience

Find out more about Jenn Burleton:

• TransActive Gender Project

Find out more about Mackenzie Dunham:

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

Additional resources:

• Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness
• genderspectrum.com

Today at Camp Wild Heart, we’re going to talk about everyone’s favorite topic: suicide.

Naturally, this is not a conversation that is super common which is why we feel it’s even more essential to talk about, especially as it relates to—and impacts—trans people.

The reality is that no one is protected from it—people of all walks of life and of all genders experience suicidal thoughts. However, trans people seem to be more vulnerable to it—not because of their transgender identity but because of being marginalized and oppressed in society. They are rejected by people who are supposed to love them unconditionally. That kind of emotional experience leads one to feeling like life isn’t worth living.

Since transness isn't the root of suicidal ideation, but rather it's more about the way that trans people are treated in our society, this episode is going to focus more on what it means and looks like to be suicidal as opposed to being a trans person who's suicidal.

Instead of talking to a parent as we typically do, in this episode, I’m having an extended conversation with Jess. Jess always wanted to be a boy scout and comes prepared as a guest camp counselor here to journey through all of the adventures and self discovery at Camp Wild Heart.

Though afraid of the dark, Jess is not afraid to go to dark places with young people and their families to find some hope and reason for staying alive. When not at Camp Wild Heart, they utilized their training in social work and nerdy gender studies degree to help gender diverse youth and adults navigate and explore their identities and identify ways to feel affirmed.

Jess also brings their fierce and tender heart into parenting their two year old and loving on the various members of their relationship constellation. They come to Camp Wild Heart with almost 10 years of experience working with youth and families.

Check out the full episode to hear about:

• Jess’ experience with depression and chronic suicidal thoughts—and how that influences their work
• How Jess can intuitively know if someone is more at risk of suicidal ideation
• What parents can be on the lookout for in their kids and how to parse out if something is due to teenage angst or something deeper
• Why getting curious is key to supporting and affirming trans kids

Find out more about Mackenzie Dunham:

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

Additional resources:

• Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860
• The Trevor Project 866-488-7386
• Affirmative Therapy for Transgender Communities
• PFLAG
• The Atlantic: Suicide Memes Might Actually Be Therapeutic

Most cis-gender people have a hard time imagining what it's like to be transgender but I don't know anyone who hasn't had some experience of not being seen for who they truly are.

Maybe you know what it's like to have someone look straight through you. Maybe your voice or ideas are regularly left out of meetings. Maybe you've been on the receiving end of some absolutely terrible customer service that leaves you wondering whether the person sees you as another human being.

Ultimately, not being seen sucks.

And yet transgender people regularly go unseen and even worse—they regularly have the experience of dealing with people and institutions that refuse to see them. They are regularly met with messages from strangers, family members, and friends that who they are is wrong, that it isn’t real, or that they’re just confused.

To constantly have your life and identity in question hurts—and it often triggers a deep sense of scarcity and shame. Unfortunately, shame can make us feel totally alone and like we'll never be good enough.

During our campfire talk today, we’ll hear from fierce and kind mom, Jennifer. Jennifer will share about her experience with her kid, Aaron, coming out and having to swim through the sea of shame with him to a place of resilience and healing.

Please note that this story is a bit more intense than ones we’ve shared previously but it highlights an incredibly important and very real threat to transgender children.

So, I Have A Question:

Jennifer’s story might have brought up some questions for you so in the second part of this episode, Dr. Linda Hawkins, PHD. will lend us her expertise and answer some common questions she and I receive from parents as we do this work.

Dr. Hawkins is the Director of the Affirmative Therapy for Transgender Communities Training Program at Widener University & Director of the Gender & Sexuality Development Program at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. She has more than 20 years of experience as a clinician.

Check out the full episode to hear about:

• Jennifer shares her son’s coming out story and her first response to it and, if she could go back, what she would say now
• Why Jennifer reached out for professional help right away after her son came out as transgender—and how she found the right therapist for their family
• How Jennifer and her husband worked together to support each other and their son
• Dr. Hawkins discusses the very real threat of suicide for transgender people, the role parents play in keeping their child alive, and different ways that parents can show love and affirmation to their transgender children

Find out more about Dr. Linda Hawkins, PHD:

• Dr. Linda Hawkins at Widener

Find out more about Mackenzie Dunham:

• wildheartsociety.org
• Wild Heart Society on Facebook
• Wild Heart Society on Instagram

Additional resources:

• PFLAG
• Affirmative Therapy for Transgender Communities