Caregiver Tea Time with Donna Hemingway

Today, on the fourth anniversary of my son Loren’s passing, I’m sharing this episode of Caregiver Tea Time again.

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

00:30 Donna acknowledges those who helped make this podcast a reality: producer Bianca Grooves, sound engineer Sammy Wags, song writing teacher Joe Marrero, and all of her friends and family who encouraged her along the way.

03:45 Donna shares a quote titled "The Value of Memories" from a devotional book called "New Beginnings" by Solly Ozrovich.

05:10 Here's Donna's special message: "You can choose whether to let the sorrowful memories color your world or focus on the happy memories as an inspiration to make choices that you'll look back on with a joyful smile."

05:45 Honey Granola Recipe:

Preparation:

07:20 Words to sing along version of Nothing but the Good Things:

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

00:20 Val gives an example of how grief hits her at random times.

01:00 Val shares how she feels stronger after doing this podcast.

02:10 Val shares her thoughts about the masculine and feminine sides of grief. She found a book, "Swallowed by a snake. The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing" by Thomas Golden. https://tgolden.com/books-and-videos/

03:10 Thomas Golden's book reports the masculine path to grieving usually happens through taking action. and the feminine path through relating to others. He qualifies this statement with the known fact that men have a feminine side and women a masculine side and the mix of the two determines how an individual processes grief.

03:50 Val shares about the importance of "standing in the tension of grief, " and choices that come with that.

04:35 Val relates to a quote from the author Richard Rohr, https://cac.org/about/our-teachers/cac-founder-richard-rohr/
who coined the term "hope infused with realistic awareness." She feels this is an attitude to strive for when handling tough times. Val shares how she struggled to feel as though she had enough information to have "realistic" awareness.

06:20 Val shares her ideal for how the medical system could include a team member trained in palliative care to reduce emotional pain and suffering for the caregiver.

07:45 Val returns to the subject of grief, and she uses examples from Thomas Golden's book to describe a grief ritual and how to structure it.

09:13 Val shares how she structured grief in the early days after her son passed away and how she is structuring it now.

12:50 Val shares about her grief ritual of going to a coffee shop to drink one of her son's favorite coffee beverages, a cortado.

14:05 Val shares about hiring a death doula to be with her to offer support as she sorts through her son's things at home. Val is grateful to have the opportunity to work with Allie Jones, [https://soulcompanionservices.com/about]
who recently opened a business called Soul Companion Services. Val explains what a death doula does and she shares that Allie has a unique perspective on life, because she was born with Fanconi Anemia, the same genetic disorder Val's son had.

16:35 Val shares her special message about her fears related to needless suffering and that she believes it is necessary to feel the pain of grief, but we don't need to suffer from it.

16:50 Val's cheer: "I'm feeling the pain of my grief, and I'm letting go of the suffering!" Cheers!

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

00:13 In this episode Val shares that pain is an inevitable part of caregiving, but there is something called palliative care that offers relief for suffering and hope for an improved quality of life for both the patient and the caregiver. Val was frightened when her son was first introduced to palliative care early in treatment. She felt it meant the doctors thought he would not get better. Now she realizes it doesn't mean "end of life care," and sees palliative care as an especially important service for caregivers, whose quality of life can suffer when they learn their loved one has a life threatening illness or disease. She feels palliative care is important to the future of medicine.

01:58 Val compares hospice to palliative care. Val encourages all caregivers to ask their medical team about palliative care and learn more about it and options available.  

02:34 Val explains that with hospice care, the hospice staff takes over the care of the patient and is trained to support the patient and family through the patient's final days. All treatment is stopped except for medications to reduce pain and anxiety.

03:36 Val next explains that the aim of palliative care is to relieve suffering:   physically, mentally, and spiritually for both the patient and the family. The palliative care team includes doctors, nurse specialists, social workers, and chaplains. They work along side the medical treatment team.

4:50  Dr. Rebecca Martin, a palliative care physician  https://www.wmchealth.org/physician-locator/a3f5fc1a-327e-4d50-be2e-8b4b773c3d71 

was Val's source for information about the current state of palliative care in our medical system. Dr. Martin told Val that a good way to distinguish between hospice and palliative care is to understand that all hospice care is palliative, but not all palliative care is hospice.

05:05 Dr. Martin explained to Val that palliative care staff know how to ask the right questions, and they know what words to use to put the patient and the family at ease. She shared it's even important to know the order in which to ask the questions. 

06:22 Val's son was introduced to palliative care early on in his treatment, when he was seen at a specialty center. However, when he transferred care closer to home he was not offered palliative care. She shared that there was a staff position that would have helped him, but the position had not been filled and no one was designated to cover the responsibilities.

06:49 Val wanted to know why palliative care is not offered to everyone and relays that Dr. Martin told her that the longer time a doctor knows a patient, the harder it is for that doctor to acknowledge a poor prognosis. Val mentions the the book, "Being Mortal" by Dr. Atul Gawande. https://atulgawande.com/ 

and shares that from Dr. Gawande's experience, doctors are trained to identify and solve problems, so when they're facing a patient that has a problem they can't solve, it's hard for them to acknowledge that.

07:45 Val shares that she feels every medical team needs a member who will help patients and their families see the bigger truth for each individual case. She feels this will both alleviate  and prevent suffering during curative treatment and when curative treatment ends.

09:24 Both Dr. Martin and Val's spiritual director Beth helped Val see events in her life for what they are: painful and tragic. Putting words to her experience has helped Val cope.

09:49 Val shares that the next episode of Caregiver Tea Time will be about grief.

10:15 Val shares an update about a new experience seeing eagles and this gives her a feeling of connection with her husband and son.

11:34  Val shares the cheer she has for this episode:  "Help is out there, and I'm going to ask for it!"

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

01:09 Val warns listeners that in this episode she talks about end-of-life events. 

01:34 Val shares that her situation is unique because her loved ones were young when they received their diagnosis. Her husband was 39 when he developed cancer in his tonsil and 50 when he developed leukemia from the radiation treatment 10 years earlier. Her son developed MDS because of a genetic disorder he had called Fanconi Anemia. https://fanconi.org/

These events were unexpected and Val's family didn't have the life experiences to understand what they faced. Val felt a constant inner tension and she feels that our health care system is not set up to help young families like hers discuss end -of -life issues. This is what has led her to create this podcast.

04:11 Val shares she is working on having compassion for herself and everyone involved in the situation. And especially compassion for just thinking things could have been done differently. Val feel her life lesson at this time is  "go with the flow, and let go of the need to know".

05:04 Val shares the memory of the day her husband decided to go against his doctor's recommendation to try another treatment. Her husband had relapsed after a bone marrow transplant and his doctor wanted him to go through the process again. 

06:32 A second doctor from the team presented a different point of view that was in line with her husband's wishes. Her husband decided to live his final days at home and not in the hospital undergoing more chemotherapy. She shares the immense appreciation she has for the doctor who took time to explain in detail what was happening and probable outcomes, even though others on the team disagreed with his approach.

08:49 Val shares about the events that led up to her husband's passing. She reminds listeners that in Season 3, Episode 4 she shares the beautiful story of what happened after her husband passed.

10:08 Val shares about the Ottawa Person Decision Guide. https://decisionaid.ohri.ca/decguide.html

A PDF copy and an explanation of this guide can be found  here:  https://decisionaid.ohri.ca/docs/das/opdg.pdf

12:26 Val's personal message today comes from Corrie Ten Boom, author of "The Hiding Place."

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, It empties today of its strength."

13:15 Val says, "Here's to the strength we have today! Cheers!"

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

Sitting and waiting and just being a caregiver gave Val, a long time nutritionist, the opportunity to learn more about the Mediterranean Diet. 

In a wonderful serendipity, Val's neighbor back home, Andrew Schmidt, had recently graduatedd from the American Culinary Institute of America, and helped her create three days of Mediterranean menus. Val called them "The Mediterranean Diet Adventure."  Shakshuka  for breakfast is Val's favorite recipe from this collection!

You can learn more about Chef Andrew on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chefdrew22/#

Chef Andrew is currently the Executive Chef at the Classic Cooking Academy in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Look for more information about Val's Mediterranean Diet Adventure at https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

01:09 Description of how to use the Shakshuka Sauce recipe for breakfast

01:44  Ingredients for the Shakshuka Sauce recipe

02:45 Instructions for Shakshuka Sauce preparation and cooking

04:17 How to cook the eggs in the Shakshuka Sauce to make a complete breakfast

04:40 How to serve the Shakshuka recipe

Enjoy!  Cheers!

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

Val explains the steps for doing a Legs up the Wall relaxing routine. She provides 5 minutes of music to listen to while holding the pose.

00:22 Music Begins

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

In this episode, Val shares events that confirmed her belief that there is a beautiful spiritual aspect to life - something powerful and loving that has  always been there for her when she sought to find it. There have been times when her life felt dark and scary, and that's when a source of love and light was there to overcome the darkness.

02:35 Val shares that somehow, her husband Paul and son Loren’s spirits visited this earth in the form of eagles. 

After attending her husband's memorial service, several people asked if she saw the eagle soaring overhead as they left the building because they thought it was Paul. Earlier that same morning at the graveside service, an eagle was there. As the family stood up to leave, it took off in the direction of where the memorial service was to be held. Val's Aunt Jan shared how fitting she thought it was that Paul would visit in the form of an eagle - such a strong and regal bird - one to be there to watch over his family. 

03:15 Other times Val saw an eagle that reminded her of Paul: at the farm, one surprised Val as it soared around the corner of the barn, driving home from church an eagle flew alongside her car for several miles, and at a car dealership an eagle was soaring over head as she traded in their old car for a newer one.

04:20 Several years later, shortly after her youngest son passed away, two eagles visited her and her older son at the farm. Her older son had come home to be there for his brother and mother and was staying a few more months after his brother passed away. They were sitting in the yard late in the afternoon, when from quite a distance, they could see two eagles. One landed elegantly in a large tree and the other one crashed landed in the next tree. It reminded her of how her husband would stand back and let his children figure things out for themselves.

06:15  Her last story is about what happened a few days after her husband passed away. She could feel her husband's presence while getting a massage and received  message that said, “Now I am seeing what you’ve been talking about all along!” and she had a vision of his spirit as a bright light shooting into a twilight sky like a rocket, and ashes of the old were falling away like dust.  She knew he must be headed to a wonderful Heavenly place, and he wanted her to know that what she believed about it was true. Later her massage therapist confirmed to her that she could feel the spiritual presence too, and that it had a message the therapist felt compelled to share: " I'm sorry." This was a personal message Val appreciated and felt she understood what it was all about.

08:55 Val concludes Season 3 about Spirituality by providing listeners with information about the Spiritual Directors International Directory, https://www.sdicompanions.org/find-a-spiritual-director-companion/  a place to find a certified spiritual director or spiritual companion.  She provides a link on her website, caregiverteattime.com.

11:20 And here’s Val's special message: 

"It’s easy to get all wrapped up in caregiving worries, fears, and feeling lost. The truth and the power of the Spirit can be difficult to find at times. But it’s there, so when it get dark and stormy,  I encourage you to take that deep breath - reach out your hand, and say, “help”. The love and light to show the way is always near! Cheers!"

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

In the introduction Val shares about three personal retreats she has taken: the first was 15 years ago at a retreat center close to home where she spent the night at a Catholic retreat center reserved for quiet, prayer, and listening, the second was a year ago in Sedona Arizona where each day she met individually with compassionate caring women devoted to spiritual healing, and the third was just a few months ago with a small group of women at a retreat center in the Catskill mountains.

She realizes that not everyone has the time or resources to get away - one can feel refreshed with quiet time at home, a big mug of coffee and a Hallmark movie. Others cherish watching their  children perform in a play or athletic event or helping them move to a new apartment.  Val loves those things too, but knows that getting away from her familiar environment and meeting new people renews her energy and it gives her strength.

Share shares a quote from Albert Einstein: ‘We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.’ –  Her retreats were about discovering a different way of thinking.

After her husband of 25 years passed away from leukemia, she realized that "today is all we have."  She awoke to the reality there is so very little she has control over. She felt herself spiraling down, and allowed herself to get away from everything at home and ponder her new life at a Catholic Retreat Center a few hours from home.  She read the book, Practicing the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence. The story she remembers most was about how Brother Lawrence  lifted an uncomfortable situation to God, and God promised to take care of Brother Lawrence's reputation. 

She shares that April 2022- to April 2023 was a  year of full of losses:  a job, her 30 year-old son, 93 year-old father and a 10-year marriage.She searched the internet for "A retreat to get back on my feet” and found the Sedona Soul Adventure. After an interview with program representatives to determine her goals, she chose a 3-Day program where she would meet individually with two practitioners each day. 

A life coach helped her set the following intentions: 

-I am living fully and trusting – as my life unfolds as it should.

-I am accepting of and healing from all the loss I have experienced this past year.

-I am allowing myself to grieve the loss of my son, knowing it was his time to go.

-I am taking the necessary steps to rid my body of emotions and physical pain.

-I am feeling balance with my desired success and being nurturing to myself and my family.

One practitioner at the retreat shared about the Soul Theory. This practitioner believes souls choose to be born into a human life in order to grow and change. The soul chooses the challenges it will have. The soul chooses this to evolve and overcome trauma and find spiritual peace and joy, even though the tragedies. The retreat helped Val see the tragedies of her life in a new way. 

The third retreat was organized by two Reiki practitioners to give their clients a place to heal in the presence of other caring women. Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes energy healing. The retreat was a gathering of eight women at a yoga retreat center in the Catskill mountains. This time gave Val confidence to get writing on the scripts for caregiver tea time! 

Val's special message is this:

Have you ever wondered what your soul came here to accomplish? If you feel something is holding you back from your soul finding joy and peace, the love and support you need is out there.   

Val still has times of quiet and tears almost every day. To her, this just makes peace and joy in life all the more wonderful and an amazing adventure.

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!

Val shares about people who have inspired and encouraged her with simple acts of love like holding her hand, praying with her, praying for her or by writing about their faith and spirituality.

She shares about how fortunate she's been to have a Christian faith community wherever she's lived and friends who follow through with the nudge to pray with her. Once, when things looked discouraging for her loved one who was getting surgery, Val felt paralyzed by fear. Her pastor visited and asked her to let those who love her be like the friends in the Bible story who carried their paralyzed friend to Jesus to be healed and be able to walk again.  Later, after looking at an MRI to prepare for surgery, the doctors found a safe way to operate and the surgery was a success.

Val shares about authors of books she's read that inspired her as a caregiver over a 30 year period. There was something about the way the words came across to Val that just made sense. Or, they offered specific things she could do to make her life more fulfilling and abundant.

CS Lewis inspired her with his books, Mere Christianity and The Four Loves. Richard Foster provided practical ways to practice a life with God in his book, Celebration of Discipline. Maryanne Williamson shared about her insights from A Course in Miracles in her books A Return to Love and From Tears to Triumph. David Hawkins was a medical doctor facing death with he called out to God in prayer and was saved. He is able to explain spiritual things in concrete and scientific ways in the book, Transcending the Levels of Consciousness. Val shares that when she doesn't know what to think about what's going on in this crazy world today, David Brook's opinions encourage her, as does his book, How to Know a Person.

Val finishes this podcast with a story about PAGL, a concept brought to her attention by her friend, which stands for Peace, Assurance, Gratitude and Love. It is a way to existentially validate decision making. 

Val shares that even though there are times she's felt alone, she believes we are never really alone and we can encourage one another by reaching out and lifting up each other in prayer.

Additional information and links can be found at:

https://www.caregiverteatime.com/

Look for the full version of Val's theme song, Nothing But the Good Things on your favorite music streaming service now!