Our brains have been conditioned by childhood experiences, fairy tales, ads, and cultural norms to view love in unhealthy ways. Lillian is an anthropologist who has studied how this happens and what we can do to change our “love GPS.”

We discussed why self-love is so important and what my husband Steve and I learned to do differently than our parents did (both sets divorced after long, unhappy marriages) that has kept us happily married for nearly 35 years now.

P.S. I’ve created a self-love workbook which you can get for free (enter $0 in the “name a price” field) at bit.ly/mylovebook.

I have no affiliation with Valarie Kaur’s Revolutionary Love Project, but I share its goal: to “reclaim love as a force for justice, healing, and transformation.” I agree that “the root of the social, political, and economic crises of our time is disconnection–from the earth, from each other, and from ourselves.”

I’m committed to creating safe spaces for us to reconnect to ourselves and each other. We need mutually supportive spaces to process our emotions and explore ways to combine our lights to create a path through the darkness. Together we can achieve what none of us can on our own, as the brave people of Minnesota are proving.

One of the safe spaces I’m creating is my online community for paid subscribers. We have monthly gatherings on Zoom and continue the conversation in member-only chat threads on Substack. Our next live gathering will be on Sunday, February 8, at 1 PM Central; paid subscribers will be emailed the Zoom link.

I hope to see some of you on Zoom Sunday, February 8 at 1 PM Central. In the meantime, I hope to have more conversations with community members in our private chat. Let’s find creative ways to support and encourage each other’s efforts to be the change we want to see!

P.S. I also offer private coaching via Zoom for those who want 1:1 support.

Nell and I had a great conversation about what we had to subtract from our lives to begin creating new lives that are healthier and happier.

Perhaps the most important subtraction was our utter devotion to careers that involved helping others at all costs - including the cost of our own wellbeing.

Another was the idea that success means outperforming others to get achievement awards, promotions, or other “gold stars.” When we see each other as allies and combine our knowledge and skills, we can accomplish far more than when we see each other as competitors or enemies. True success benefits everyone.

Another subtraction was the illusion of control (COVID shattered that illusion for me). We discussed doing small things that make a positive difference in the world while accepting that there are some things we cannot change (at least not by ourselves).

It would be nice if these ideas we’ve subtracted were gone for good. But we live in a society that encourages us to compete starting in early childhood and measures success based on our achievements, wealth, and power. Subtracting ideas like these requires ongoing practice and grace for ourselves when we get sucked back into unhelpful thoughts or behavior patterns. But it’s well worth the effort required to get to the new beginnings and other transformations that become possible when we subtract what’s not working!

I’d love to know what you’ve subtracted (or would like to subtract) from your life! Comment below to share your experience.

P.S. If you could use some extra support as you try to let go of old beliefs or habits that are negatively affecting your wellbeing, DM me or schedule a call to explore whether my private coaching is a good fit for your needs.

3 Life Lessons From the Grinch, including the power of communities to help us do what we can't on our own. Join my community: https://wendigordon.substack.com/subscribe

Jane’s husband died. My former career ended abruptly and painfully. We share our journeys from wanting to die to creating new lives and how we help others navigate difficult transitions and age with confidence and clarity.

Join Sunday’s Zoom gathering and my “Changing Lives” community here. Get Jane’s “Gifted By Grief” book and more info about her work here.

It’s so liberating to have honest conversations like the one Julie and I had! The first monthly “Changing Lives” Zoom gathering is on Sunday, January 11 at 1 PM Central. We’ll be discussing beginnings of all kinds. Subscribe now and help create a safe, mutually supportive community!

Thanks to those who joined me live; here’s the “Hope for the Holidays” PDF I mentioned. Please share the link with anyone you know who would appreciate this free 20 page PDF of prompts, quotes, and practices I created to add light to what is a dark time for many. I also created an easier to remember link - https://bit.ly/iwanthope - and a QR code:

Halloween isn’t the only time we wear masks. We learn at a young age to mask our emotions because it’s not safe to express them. We’re told to “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and to say we’re sorry when we’re not. We learn to hide any aspects of ourselves that other people deem unacceptable. We do what others expect us to and get attention, approval, or something else we desperately want.

I’ve worn at least three masks, which I talk about in the video:

* The expert who knows all of the correct answers

* The emotionally numb person who isn’t hurt when mocked or shamed

* The person who always tells the truth and does the right thing

As I’ve grown older and wiser, I’ve learned that the costs of wearing those masks far outweigh the benefits.

It’s flattering to be seen as smarter than others, but it’s also lonely. I’d rather be seen as a peer than put on a pedestal; I’d rather be honest than pretend to know all there is to know about God, life, or anything else.

It seems safer to not let others see how much their words hurt, but it’s not. Emotional pain that’s masked still hurts, and it gets expressed in other ways. As the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” Emotions trapped in the body can also cause physical pain and serious health problems.

It’s admirable to tell the truth and do what’s right, but no human always does both.Honesty and fairness are very important to me. I challenge lies and unjust policies, but I also admit that I am sometimes guilty of the same bad behavior I condemn in others. We are all imperfect and I’ve learned that it’s not healthy to see myself as superior or inferior to anyone else.

What masks have you worn? What happened when you took them off? Are you still wearing one that you’re afraid to remove?

P.S. If you’d like additional support as you take off a mask and deal with the reactions of people who expected you to keep wearing it, DM me or schedule a call. I offer private coaching and other helpful resources.

Nathalie’s I Am Alive book includes art that she created from her hospital bed while undergoing painful round-the-clock radiation treatment. She could only move her arms and feet. Oil pastels enabled her to paint emotions as layers of different colors; she then used a bamboo pencil to scratch words into them.

As she struggled to recover from that ordeal, she also struggled with depression. She wanted to die, just as I did when I experienced a severe depression a few years ago. We both found creativity (in my case, writing) and time in nature essential to our survival and spiritual health.

We share our stories and the spiritual practices that continue to sustain us. We also share what loved ones did when we were hurting that was NOT helpful: tried to cheer us up, pressured us to do things we didn’t want to or couldn’t, and told us we should be more grateful.

If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, please seek help from a medical or mental health professional. For 24/7 help in a crisis, call 911 or 988 in the United States; go here for a list of helplines in other countries.

P.S. Want additional support as you deal with challenges to your mental and spiritual wellbeing? Get my free “Depression and Anxiety Survival Kit” here. Get information about private coaching (via Zoom) here.

Note: I am not a licensed medical or mental health professional, my suggestions are not medical advice, and I cannot diagnose or treat mental illnesses. I offer peer support that is not a substitute for professional help.

At 56, I’m happily childfree. Liz is decades younger and dealing with infertility. We discuss how personal, religious, and cultural expectations about motherhood affect our mental health and our favorite places to go when we need to calm our anxious minds and nourish our spirits.

I’d love to hear about your experiences. Have you dealt with infertility? How did it affect your mental health? What challenges have you faced as a parent, as someone who has tried unsuccessfully to become a parent, or as someone who has chosen not to have children?