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April 27, 2020S1E36 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Geoffrey's Hangover
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife's hate of technology.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Alfred: Hi Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Yes, hello Alfred!
Alfred: How has your morning been?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes.
Alfred: Something tells me you are not feeling quite yourself today, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: You could say that. I do feel like a bit of a fool.
Alfred: You may be bit of a fool, but this podcast wouldn’t be the same without you! I don’t need to write jokes when you are around and telling your stories!
Geoffrey: I’m just one big joke to you, aren’t I?
Alfred: Geoffrey, I didn’t mean it like that! You are a loveable fool! Geoffrey, you are also my friend.
Geoffrey: Your friend! Where were you last night?
Alfred: Last night? What happened last night?
Geoffrey: You really don’t care about me, do you!
Alfred: Of course I care, you are my friend, but please tell me what is going on?
Geoffrey: Please, stop talking so loud! My head hurts.
Alfred: That’s another piece of the mystery! Your head hurts and you’re talking about last night. We all know that you never go out after 6pm. Did you get drunk last night?
Geoffrey: Well, you should know!
Alfred: Why should I know where you go? I only record you for the podcast.
Geoffrey: Because I told you before where I would be going last night.
Alfred: When did you tell me, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Last week.
Alfred: I’m sure that you didn’t tell me. I usually write everything in my diary. At my age I even forget my wife’s birthday if I don’t write it down.
Geoffrey: At your age? That is not an excuse! You have always forgotten birthdays! Even before you got old!
Alfred: We got old, Geoffrey! Hmm, talking about birthdays does ring a bell!
Geoffrey: Well check your diary then!
Alfred: Ok, hmmm. Yesterday’s entry in my diary reads: Go to bakery. Make tuna sandwich. Eat tuna sandwich. Search internet for ways to remove old skin from feet. Have a cup of tea.
Geoffrey: Isn’t there anything about me?
Alfred: No, sorry Geoffrey. You’ll have to stop moaning and tell me why you are in a bad mood.
Geoffrey: I have a hangover. Yesterday was my birthday party and you didn’t come!
Alfred: You didn’t tell me.
Geoffrey: I sent you an invite.
Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey, but I didn’t receive one. What did they look like?
Geoffrey: They were written on little post-it note paper.
Alfred: Ok, were they yellow?
Geoffrey: Yes, they were! You did receive an invite!
Alfred: No, but I can see a bunch of post-it notes sticking out of your jacket pocket!
Geoffrey: What? Yes, yes. Oh no! These are my invitations.
Alfred: You silly-sausage! You forgot to give them out!
Geoffrey: Oh no! That explains why none of my friends came!
Alfred: Where did you go for your birthday party?
Geoffrey: To The Horse’s Inn.
Alfred: Wow, a very posh pub; they have 7 types of beer!
Geoffrey: Yes, I decided to treat myself. Unfortunately, because none of my friends came, I had to celebrate my party with the pub locals. There was Pint stealing Pete.
Alfred: Why do you call him Pint stealing Pete?
Geoffrey: I have no idea! But, he’s a very nice guy. Every time, I went to the toilet he had refilled my pint of beer!
Alfred: Who else was there?
Geoffrey: Well, apparently Doris has a sister, called Wendy.
Alfred: Doris has a sister? Please, don’t invite her round her!
Geoffrey: Yes, I couldn’t stand her. She was always repeating herself and kept talking about going to the local farmers’ market. Nothing like Doris at all!
Alfred: So, how did the evening go?
Geoffrey: It started well enough, we played darts, cards and my favourite game called hide the haemorrhoid cream! Unfortunately, when it was my turn to hide Pete’s cream, they couldn’t find it, and then by the time they had stopped looking, I had forgotten where I had hidden it! He told me he couldn’t sit down this morning.
Alfred: Oh dear. So, you had a nice birthday. So, why are you looking down?
Geoffrey: Well, as I said, it started well. But, then everyone started to buy me round after round of beer. I got a little drunk.
Alfred: There’s no harm in that.
Geoffrey: Then I saw the woman of my dreams in the corner.
Alfred: It wasn’t Doris was it?
Geoffrey: Don’t be silly! Anyway, this woman was young, 50 years old and had a great body! Also, she was looking at me!
Alfred: Some female interest is always good, especially at our age. Did you go and speak to her?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, I did. I put my false teeth in, pulled my trousers up over my belly and walked over.
Alfred: Well done Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Yes. The great thing was that she was a good listener; she listened to all my stories and didn’t leave. She was very quiet and didn’t say much, but I think that is because she was entranced by my war stories.
Alfred: That would be a first!
Geoffrey: Eventually, I asked her to dance. We danced all night long and then eventually we kissed.
Alfred: Wow! Geoffrey! This is amazing! Why are you so sad?
Geoffrey: When I went to see Pint Stealing Pete, he showed me his new mobile telephone. He said that he had taken pictures of last night.
Alfred: Not necessarily a bad thing.
Geoffrey: I asked him if he had any pictures of my mysterious lady, as I forgot to ask for her number.
Alfred: Ah great! Maybe you can find her!
Geoffrey: I don’t want to find her.
Alfred: Why not?
Geoffrey: My mystery woman wasn’t a ‘she’.
Alfred: Oh god! Your mystery woman was a man? OH no Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Alfred.
Alfred: To be honest, it is ok.
Geoffrey: Alfred!
Alfred: Ok, you danced and kissed a man, but at your age, you don’t get many opportunities, just accept it and be pleased someone was interested in you!
Geoffrey: Alfred!
Alfred: Yes?
Geoffrey: It wasn’t a man
Alfred: Oh? It wasn’t a woman or a man? I think I have seen people like that on a late-night documentary.
Geoffrey: It wasn’t a person.
Alfred: Wow! What did you kiss?
Geoffrey: I spent all night dancing with and kissing a coat stand! Wendy had left her coat and hat on it. I spent 3 hours talking to a coat stand!
Alfred: That is hilarious!
Geoffrey: They didn’t tell me, because they thought it was hilarious.
Alfred: Don’t worry about it! I can’t say I have done it myself, but I’m sure there are many people who have mistook a coat stand for a woman!
Geoffrey: Really?
Alfred: No. I think you are the only one.
Geoffrey: Oh dear! I think I’m going to go home and lie-down.
Alfred: Good idea Geoffrey. At your age, you’ll need a week to recover.
Geoffrey: oh!
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12 min
April 20, 2020S1E35 - Learn English with Celebrity Interviews - Marco Polo
Episode Notes
Learn English with Celebrity Interviews
Our interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.
Today, he travels to the 13th century to meet Marco Polo, just after his return to Europe
How to use*
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews; the show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous
Today, we’ve travelled a long way back in time, to the 13th century to meet Marco Antonio Polo, as he returns home after a long journey.
Interviewer: Nice to meet you Mr Polo!
Polo: Thank you strange man! Call me Marco! Let’s not be so formal about this!
Interviewer: But I like to call you Polo, because it reminds me of the car.
Polo: What is a car?
Interviewer: It’s like a carriage. There is one named after you by the Volkswagen company!
Polo: What a strange name! I will have to buy one of these ‘cars’!
Interviewer: Anyway, to my questions. You started your long journey as a teenager at 17. What motivated you to explore the world?
Polo: Well, I was fed-up of being at home and my father asking me to do the cleaning all the time. He always used to get angry with me for playing my music too loud in my room!
Interviewer: Playing music in your room?! Records and record players didn’t exist back then.
Polo: Back when?
Interviewer: I mean now.
Polo: I have no idea what a record player is. It sounds interesting, is it a person who will change your government records for a bit of money?
Interviewer: Not exactly. I mean, how did you have music in your room?
Polo: Like everyone else. I invited the local harp and flute band to play in my room. They usually stayed in my room a long time, because it’s difficult to take a harp up and down stairs. Anyway, that was your second question!
Interviewer: You still haven’t answered my first question.
Polo: Yes, I know. One thing, how are you going to pay me for this interview?
Interviewer: Is money ok? I have paper money from a strange foreign land. Is that Ok?
Polo: But, I thought I was the first man to bring paper money to Europe! Yes, I can accept that. By the way, that was your third question.
Interviewer: That’s not fair! Please answer my first question. Why did you start your journey?
Polo: Ok. Well, my father was angry with me and he made me do the washing up after every meal! I was so angry that I decided to go for a walk, a long walk. The truth is that I got lost.
Interviewer: You got lost and finished in China?
Polo: Yep.
Interviewers: All of these adventures were because you got lost as a teenager?
Polo: Yes, that’s right!
Interviewer: You got lost and ended up in China?
Polo: Yes, I got lost!
Interviewer: Wow! Next question: What is the most unusual thing you saw on your adventures!
Polo: I saw a real-life unicorn! People think they are magical creatures, but the reality is, that they are filthy things!
Interviewer: You saw unicorns? Can you describe them to me?
Polo: Sure. They have black horns on their heads. They are ugly with feet like elephants.
Interviewer: That sounds like a rhinoceros.
Polo: No, they were unicorns.
Interviewer: Did they have the head like a...
Polo: wild boar? Yes!
Interviewer: That’s definitely a rhinoceros
Polo: I think I know what a unicorn is!
Interviewer: Have you ever seen a rhinoceros?
Polo: You said 5 questions! That is your 6th question! I don’t have to answer it!
Interviewer: Just answer me. Do you know the difference between a unicorn and rhinoceros?
Polo: Sorry, no more questions. That’s the deal!
Interviewer: Just that last one!
Polo: I can’t hear you! La-la-la!
Interviewer: Mr Polo! This is not behaviour I would expect from someone like you!
Polo: Sorry, I can’t hear you! Anyway, tomorrow I have a trip to Venice and have to pass near Genoa. I hope Genoa and Venice finally have peace!
Interviewer: Actually, there are still a lot of problems between them.
Polo: Sorry, I can’t here you! I’ve visited China, the Mongol empire, but you are one of the strangest people I’ve ever met.
Interviewer: Thank you!
Polo: Not a compliment. Goodbye
Interviewer: Ok! Goodbye then! And that’s the end. It’s time for me to return to the present. Goodbye!
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7 min
April 15, 2020S1E34 - Quick Dictations - What do ducks do?
Episode Notes
A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.
How to use:
Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
Transcript:
I find animals very curious. For example, ducks! What do ducks do in their free time? I don’t know! When you go to the park, they come over to you and are all happy. You throw them your bread. They eat and they are all happy! Then you leave and where do they go? Because they’re not eating bread when nobody is in the park! It must be one of the biggest mysteries of life, like; do jellyfish taste of jelly? You can never find these things out! So, what do ducks do? I wish they’d invent some kind of secret camera to record the ducks and we could see what they do! -
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
4 min
April 13, 2020 S1E33 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Can Speak to Ducks
Episode Notes
Learn English with Crazy Stories
WARNING: The topics covered in this story may be of an adult nature. However, this story is just for fun.
She always felt disappointed in sex. But, then one day, it all changed. However, she didn't know why it changed until she went to see her doctor.
Transcript
I can talk to ducks
I’ve always been a person of nature! I’ve always enjoyed the great outdoors. My family has always had pets. At the weekends, there is nothing I like better than to go for a long walk in the mountains.
What I love most about nature are the animals. It just reminds me of what the world could be like if we removed all the hatred around us. Animals are great! I love spending time with them. One week, I can be watching dolphins from the coast, another could be spent bird watching and another could be at home watching my dog, which spends most of his time licking his own...parts!
My relationship with animals is great. I’m only 25, but I’ve had all types of pets, from spiders to rabbits and from mice to snakes. My favourite pet was probably Tim the spider. I found him in the garden one day. I kept him in a lunchbox. He was great because my mother was scared of him, so she never went into my room. So, she never found my adult magazines and I never had to tidy my room either.
Regarding my relationships with other people, they haven’t been so great! I have difficulty making friends and sympathizing with other people. I felt lonely at school and I’ve never had a real girlfriend. My love of pets has even stopped my chances of getting a girlfriend. I remember one girl, Tammy was her name. I met her in science class. I just loved the way she dissected her frog. It was so elegant how she cut the frog. It was like beauty and the beast! One day in class, I passed her a note and told her that I liked her. We started talking and we got on really well. We flirted a lot with each other. We may have even shared a little kiss after school. I thought that she was going to be my first girlfriend. I was actually starting to fall in love with her.
She didn’t mind that I was shy and sometimes found it difficult to get my words out. It took me a few weeks, but I eventually asked her to come to my house. We went to my room. I showed her my hamster. She liked it. I can’t remember its name. I then asked her if she’d like to see something bigger than a hamster. She was a little confused. So, I asked her she’d like to see my snake. I then mentioned that if she held my snake in her hands that it would be a lot happier. She ran out of my room and all the way home. I didn’t speak to her again.
I decided that animals were better than people, but I was still hungry for conversation. Could I speak to the animals? Could I learn their languages? It was at this moment in my life that I started to imitate animals. I would spend all day watching animal videos trying to copy their sounds. Now, it was time to see if they would understand me in real life!
The first animal I tried to speak to was my neighbour’s dog. But when I started copying it, it just seemed to make it angrier. My neighbour eventually came out and asked me to stop. I then decided to try birds by copying their whistles. However, even though I managed to imitate them well, it just felt like I...we were singing a song and the birds never made eye contact.
I began to think about what is an animal that is not shy, that I can find in any park. It was obvious; ducks! I spent a month listening and trying to copy duck sounds. I tried to see if there were different sounds for when they were hungry or not. I was ready!
The first time that I tried to speak directly to a duck was in a park. The ducks looked at me and came over to visit me, but I think that they were more interested in my sandwich. Their association of humans and bread stopped any communication. I was disappointed and sad. Talking to animals is impossible, isn’t it? Reality hurts.
Everything changed a year later. I was on holiday and went for a walk up a mountain. I was alone, of course. I was a little tired, so I sat down next to a pond. At first, I didn’t hear anything. But then from behind me I heard a faint ‘quack, quack’ sound. It was a duck. I was thinking and asking myself “Shall I try to speak to it one more time?” My answer was yes. I started to imitate the ducks sound. The duck suddenly moved its head from side to side. It was responding to me! It was looking for the other duck (me) that was speaking to it! Wow, I was having a conversation with a duck. It then started to follow me as I left. This duck was in love with me! Unfortunately, I had to leave it behind.
Since then, I have bought my own ducks for my garden. I spend all day speaking to them. They don’t associate me with bread, so we can spend hours and hours together speaking about everything. It’s true; we don’t use actual vocabulary, but for me the conversation is more about the feeling behind the sounds. They accept me as a duck! I accept them as my family.
Now, I’ll say goodbye in duck “quack, quack, quack, quack”. Goodbye!
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10 min
April 08, 2020S1E32 - Quick Dictations - Her Rabbit was a Murderer
Episode Notes
A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.
How to use:
Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
Transcript:
I used to have a pet. It was a guinea-pig. His name was Geoffrey. My sister also had a pet which was a rabbit. Geoffrey was a very shy pet while my sister’s rabbit was quite aggressive. They lived together in a pen in the garden. One day, I couldn’t find Geoffrey. I looked all over the garden. He was nowhere to be found. I eventually found him. He was inside one of the rabbit’s holes. The hole had collapsed. His body had been flattened. He had died. I still think that that rabbit is a murderer.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
3 min
April 06, 2020S1E31 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Geoffrey's Birthday
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife's hate of technology.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Alfred: Welcome to a very special episode of Learn English with two old men. Why is it a special episode? That’s because today is Geoffrey’s birthday! So, I thought it would be nice to surprise him. I’ve turned the lights off, so he will think I’m not here. Shhh, here he comes!
Geoffrey: Hello? Alfred? Where are you? The lights are off. I’ve got the wrong day again! Oh well! I may as well take advantage of being alone by searching for Alfred’s hidden biscuits! He has to hide them from his wife! Silly old man! Anyway, where is the light? Here it is!
Alfred: That’s not a light-switch Geoffrey, that’s my...
Geoffrey: Ahh! Alfred are you ghost? I’m sorry by old friend.
Alfred: Geoffrey, I’m not a ghost. Now, please take your hand off me!
Geoffrey: Are you sure that is not the light-switch?
Alfred: I’m very sure Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Are you a ghost, Alfred?
Alfred: No, I’m just sitting in the dark!
Geoffrey: Why is that?
Alfred: You’ll see! I’m going to turn the lights on, now! Surprise!
Geoffrey: Ahhh!
Alfred: Happy birthday Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: My heart! Are you trying to kill me!
Alfred: I have thought about it a few times, to be honest. But, today is a celebration of your birthday!
Geoffrey: What are all these things?
Alfred: That’s a birthday cake, they are balloons, and those are some presents!
Geoffrey: Balloons at my age? I’m not a child!
Alfred: Every year, you are more similar to a child than you think!
Geoffrey: Yes. Do you know what an exploding balloon can do to someone my age?
Alfred: Give them a sense of happiness?
Geoffrey: No! I remember last year, in the retirement home, they celebrated old Mavis’s 90th birthday. However, a balloon exploded. Half the people died from the shock!
Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey! That sounds horrible!
Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, the good news was that no-one ate the birthday cake! So, I took it home! It was delicious!
Alfred: Right!
Geoffrey: I have to tell you something Alfred.
Alfred: What is it?
Geoffrey: My birthday was yesterday.
Alfred: Ah really?
Geoffrey: Well, at least that is what they tell me. But, I’m sure they change my birthday every year.
Alfred: I thought it was today! I’m sorry Geoffrey. Actually, I have no idea. It’s my wife who has all the birthday’s written down. She tells me. She even bought the cake, balloons and the presents. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Geoffrey: Your wife bought the cake?
Alfred: Yes, why?
Geoffrey: It’s not one of those organ cakes is it?
Alfred: An organ cake?
Geoffrey: Yes, one of those healthy organ cakes.
Alfred: Oh! You mean organic.
Geoffrey: Yes! That is what I said!
Alfred: I have no idea; I can’t read the ingredients on packets these days.
Geoffrey: Is it chocolate?
Alfred: Yes, as you like it!
Geoffrey: real chocolate?
Alfred: Yes, I presume so.
Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll have some after we’ve finished talking here. Do we actually have any listeners?
Alfred: Yes! I think we have at least one.
Geoffrey: It’s not your wife is it?
Alfred: No, she hates technology. Our daughter once bought her an iPad for her birthday.
Geoffrey: I have an ‘eye-pad’ I put it on my eyes every night so go to sleep. They are really good for people like me who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light! You see when I put it over my eyes, I can’t see anything!
Alfred: Geoffrey...
Geoffrey: Alfred. However, when I wake-up sometimes I forget that I’ve got my eye-pad on and I think I’ve gone blind! It’s a scary feeling! First, I have to find my way to the bathroom to go and do a number one. Then, I try to go to the kitchen, by holding onto the walls. I only usually realize that I’m wearing my ‘eye-pad’ when I give myself a wash an hour later. Then I take it off and realize that I’m not blind! It’s such a relief!
Alfred: Can’t you feel the eye-mask on your face?
Geoffrey: No, no. With all of those years outside, at my age, my skin is like wood. I can’t feel much these days, and that’s just my face!
Alfred: Geoffrey. You are talking about an eye-mask. I’m talking about an iPad, it’s not the same.
Geoffrey: Oh no? What is an iPad then?
Alfred: You’re just like my wife!
Geoffrey: Are you going to tell me?
Alfred: Yes, I was about to tell you about my wife.
Geoffrey: Ok, stop interrupting then! Please, go ahead!
Alfred: Well, an iPad is like a little computer that looks like a big mobile telephone.
Geoffrey: Ah a computer! Yes, I’ve used those sometimes in the library and at the day care centre. Doris tells me that the computer has been there 10 years and I was probably only the second one to use it in that time!
Alfred: If you were the second person to use it, who was the first person to use it?
Geoffrey: That was Joe, although we gave him the nickname Peeping Joe.
Alfred: Who the devil is Peeping Joe?
Geoffrey: He’s dead now. I think he was a pervert; he used to peep at the old ladies in their rooms through the keyhole.
Alfred: Now I understand his nickname.
Geoffrey: He used to use the computer every day for a year, and then go to his room. He was eventually caught on the computer looking at pornographic material. Something called GILFs. No idea what that means.
Alfred: Me neither. But the computer was in the communal area, why did it take a long time for him to be caught?
Geoffrey: Well, it’s a day care centre for the elderly. They’re all practically blind! They can’t see a thing!
Alfred: A bit like us!
Geoffrey: A lot worse. When I go there, I sometimes take advantage of their poor sight.
Alfred: You take advantage of their poor sight? How?
Geoffrey: Well, they often take biscuits back to their chairs and forget about them because they can’t see them. So, I take a walk around the room and collect all the forgotten biscuits.
Alfred: That’s terrible Geoffrey! Why do you do that?
Geoffrey: Well, you remember that my wife doesn’t let me have biscuits, don’t you?
Alfred: Yes, but that is a terrible thing to do.
Geoffrey: Why Alfred?
Alfred: You’re stealing other people’s biscuits!
Geoffrey: But, they’ve forgotten about them! If they don’t they get thrown in the rubbish by the cleaners.
Alfred: Hmm
Geoffrey: I guess you can say that I’m doing my part to help save the world! It’s my way of recycling!
Alfred: I do see your point, but it’s not the same as recycling plastic, is it?
Geoffrey: At my age, it’s just as good! I even take the half-eaten biscuits sometimes, if I haven’t had a biscuit all day that is!
Alfred: That doesn’t surprise me Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Anyway, you were telling me about your wife’s iPad...
Alfred: Yes, but I don’t think it can beat your story
Geoffrey: Don’t be miserable, tell me.
Alfred: Ok. My daughter bought my wife an iPad...
Geoffrey: The little computer
Alfred: Yes, the little computer. It was a present for her birthday. My daughter showed her how to turn it on, read books, check her email, although my wife has never sent an email message in her life. She even showed her how to subscribe to this podcast!
Geoffrey: Subscribe to this podcast? Is that possible?
Alfred: Oh yes! We’re on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts. People can even support us by subscribing on Patreon, all links are in the show notes.
Geoffrey: I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds like a good idea!
Alfred: Yes, subscribing is a great idea!
Geoffrey: That was strange; it was like you were doing an advert in the middle of the podcast!
Alfred: Yes, it was like an advert. Subscribe now!
Geoffrey: Wow, back to the iPad.
Alfred: Yes, after a day, my wife forgot how to use it. She now uses it for something completely different.
Geoffrey: What does she use the iPad for?
Alfred: Well, if you look under the cake.
Geoffrey: Let me have a look... Ah yes!
Alfred: Yes, she now uses the iPad as a tray for cakes and cups of tea!
Geoffrey: I don’t usually like your mother’s...
Alfred: My mother?
Geoffrey: I mean your wife’s healthy lifestyle, but that is a great idea to recycle something.
Alfred: I don’t know if it is a great idea. As I said the iPad was completely new!
Geoffrey: I do need a new tray for my cups of tea. I might buy one of these iPads myself.
Alfred: You do know how much they cost, don’t you?
Geoffrey: Oh! They’re expensive are they!
Alfred: A lot more than your monthly pension!
Geoffrey: Maybe not. Anyway, I’d really like a piece of cake, Alfred.
Alfred: Me too, I’ll call my wife for another cup of tea to celebrate my friend’s birthday.
Geoffrey: It’s your friend’s birthday?
Alfred: Yes, you are my friend, it’s your birthday.
Geoffrey: Thank you. I guess that is why you have the cake
Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! Happy Birthday!
Geoffrey: Happy Birthday Geoffrey!
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15 min
April 02, 2020S1E30 - Quick Dictations - Potato Video Meeting
Episode Notes
A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.
How to use:
Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
Transcript:
A large number of people are now working at home. Video meetings have become a lot more common. This week, Lizet, a political director at her company made a big mistake during a meeting, when she accidently turned herself into a potato on screen. She clicked a video effect setting that made her look like a potato with a mouth and eyes. However, she couldn’t find the setting to turn it off. She had to continue with the meeting appearing as a potato on screen. Her employees found it hilarious. An employee took a screenshot and shared it on social media. It quickly went viral, and over 500,000 people liked the post
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3 min
March 31, 2020 S1E29 - Learn English with Celebrity Interviews - Vincent Van Gogh
Episode Notes
Learn English with Celebrity Interviews
Our interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.
Today, he travels to the 1970's to meet John Lennon. In a moment when John Lennon is experiencing writers-block
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
Transcript
Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews. The show where we travel in time to meet people from our history. However, our time-machine only gives us time to ask 5 questions.
Today, we travel to the Netherlands. To meet one of the most troubled yet intense painters in history, Vincent Van Gogh. We meet him near the end of his life.
Interviewer: Mr Van Gogh, or can I call you Vincent?
VG: No, call me Mr VG.
Interviewer: Ok, Mr VG. Let’s get right to the most famous part of your life, your ear. Why did you cut it off?
VG: Famous, I am famous in the future?! I have only ever sold one painting, which was 7 months ago. Now, I’m sick. I’m in bed. But now with this information, I can die peacefully! When do I die?
Interviewer: Well, you will sell a lot more paintings after you die. The date of your death is recorded as... Hey! Wait a minute! I ask the questions in this interview! So, about the ear! Why did you cut it off?
VG: You just mentioned that I will sell many paintings after I die. That means I’ve achieved my goal! I’ve always been depressed throughout my life. But, now, finally, I can be happy and at peace with myself. Do you know, I actually went to an asylum after I cut off my ear...?
Interviewer: Yes, about your ear, what was the reason?
VG: Well, firstly, as I was saying, in that Asylum, in my worst moment I created my favourite painting. I called Starry Bright!
Interviewer: Starry Bright? I thought it was called Starry Night, wasn’t it?
VG: Starry Night! Thank you. That is a much better name for my painting. Anyway, I was in the Asylum and I just thought to myself that I’m a failure; I had never sold a painting in my life. But to know that my paintings will sell is great!
Interviewer: I shouldn’t have told you that information. Anyway, can you answer my question about your ear, please?
VG: Yes, Do you know that I painted 900 paintings in 10 years. Sometimes, they were so spontaneous. I would like to know how many of my paintings were sold, all of them.
Interviewer: Well, unfortunately, a lot of your paintings were lost, as the people you gave them to thought they were worthless.
VG: Really? I feel bad again.
Interviewer: Please, don’t. You are considered as one of the most famous painters in history, some of your paintings are displayed in wonderful galleries around the world. But, just let me ask you at least one question before I go. Why did you cut off your ear?
VG: Actually, I only cut part of my ear off, just the lobe.
Interviewer: and why was that?
VG: I’m afraid you have asked more than 5 questions. It is time to finish this interview and time for you to go.
Interviewer: Wait! Did you answer any of my questions?
VG: That is another question. I’ll tell you what. I’ll write the answer on a note and I’ll leave it hidden on the back of that painting called Starry Night. All you have to do in the future is find the painting and open up the back of the frame to find the answer.
Interviewer: Really? But, it’s in an art gallery. One of the most famous paintings in history, visited by millions of visitors! There is no way I can take the back off the painting to look for a hidden note.
VG: One of the most famous paintings in history! Wow! Thanks for that extra piece of information. I feel so happy, so full of energy, so alive...
Interviewer: Really?
VG: Yes! Wow, it’s an amazing feeling! Well, now it’s gone. I feel tired and sick again.
Interview: Sorry. Anyway, please just answer the question...
VG: Ok, I cut of my earlobe because I’m very bad at shaving! Have you noticed that in all my paintings I have a beard? Now go away
Interviewer: Well, thanks for answering my question and goodbye!
VG: Goodbye! Now Go!
Interviewer: It is time for me to return to the future in my time-machine.
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7 min
March 26, 2020S1E28 - Quick Dictations - Naked at the Sauna
Episode Notes
A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.
How to use:
Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
Transcript:
A woman’s trip to a spa ended in embarrassment when she found herself naked in the street. She had arranged to meet her boyfriend in the sauna. The sauna rules states that everyone has to be naked. Unfortunately, when she arrived, she went through the wrong door! She accidentally went through the fire escape door. She only had a tiny towel. She couldn’t get back in! She banged the door and yelled. No one answered. Eventually, she had to go onto the street. She walked around the building to the front door. She entered through the reception. The reception was full of people. At first, the receptionist asked her for her ID, but eventually let her in. She found her boyfriend in the cafe. However, he was grumpy because he had been waiting an hour.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
5 min
March 24, 2020S1E27 - Learn English with Celebrity Interviews - John Lennon
Episode Notes
Learn English with Celebrity Interviews
Our interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.
Today, he travels to the 1970's to meet John Lennon. In a moment when John Lennon is experiencing writers-block
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
Transcript
Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews; the show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous
Today, we’ve travel to the 1970’s. To meet the best part of the separated Beatles, Mr. John Lennon, who is currently experiencing writers block as he tries to write his next song.
Hi Mr Lennon, nice to meet you.
LENNON: Hi, Call me John.
Interviewer: So, John, Lennon. What motivates you?
LENNON: Well, that’s easy, peace.
Interviewer: Peace, motivates you? That is really great. Some people would say peace is an impossible fantasy, what do you have to say to them?
LENNON: Well, you may say I’m a dreamer. But, to be honest, I’m not the only one. Wait! You may say I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one! Let me write that down, it sounds like part of a song! I’m a peace loving genius!
Interviewer: Right, so what is the way to peace?
LENNON: Well, ever since I’ve left the Beatles, I’ve been looking into it. Studying peace, listening to the world, trying to experience and feel real peace. I want you to do one thing for me; conceptualize if there were no countries, it isn’t hard to do, to be honest. There would be nothing to kill for or die for.
Interviewer: Very poetic!
LENNON: Really? Maybe I should write it down. Conceptualize if there were not countries, it isn’t hard to do... Wait, that sounds like another part of a song. Except, I don’t think conceptualize is the right word for this song, If only I could find another word instead of conceptualize! Damn! Anyway, next question.
Interviewer: So you are saying that countries are the reason for war, aren’t you?
LENNON: Well, not just countries, also religion too, People have created many wars in the name of religion. We just need to understand and listen more to each other. Just fantasize about all the people living life in peace. Damn! I’m good today. That sounds like another part of my new song; just fantasize all the people living life in peace. But, again I can’t find the right word! Neither fantasize nor conceptualize are the word that I’m looking for. If only I could find an alternative word...
Interviewer: Well, you just need to imagine another word.
LENNON: What did you just say?
Interviewer: Another word?
LENNON: Before that?
Interviewer: imagine another...
LENNON: Eureka! That is the word! Imagine!
Interviewer: Imagine what?
LENNON: Imagine is the word I’m missing from my song. Also, you have just asked your fifth question! I thought you were just another ignorant reporter, but you’ve got some good ideas. Listen, in the future, when I’m older, if you need some creative advice, just give me a call.
Interviewer: Erm... well...Ok, thanks! That is my time up! It’s time to return to the time-machine and to the 21st century. Goodbye.
LENNON: Wow, even in the future everyone is always in a rush!
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6 min

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