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    Episode Notes

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    2 min
  • S1E26 - Quick Dictations - Duck Life
    Episode Notes

    A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.

    How to use:
    1. Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
    2. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
    3. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
    4. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
      5. Transcript:

      I often go to the park after work. I like to find a nice quiet bench and sit down! I often wonder what it would be like to be a duck. It became an obsession of mine. I wanted to experience a duck’s life. One day, I decided to act upon my dream. I bought a duck costume and went to the park. I then got into the water and started to swim like a duck. However, it wasn’t that great. I stopped after 3 days. I didn’t mind the cold temperatures, I didn’t mind the dirty water, but I can’t stand bread with no butter on it!

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      4 min
    5. S1E25 - Learn English with Two Old Men - The False-Teeth Mystery Part 2
      Episode Notes

      Learn English with Two Old Men.

      The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey!

      Support us

      Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:

      https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish

      How to use

      See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.

      Transcript

      • Alfred: Welcome to the second and final part of our story about false teeth. Do you want to remind the audience what happened last time Geoffrey?
      • Geoffrey: Last time?
      • Alfred: Yes, in last week’s episode.
      • Geoffrey: What do you mean last week’s episode? We just recorded that last episode 5 minutes ago!
      • Alfred: Oh no! Geoffrey, for the listeners, a week has passed since the last episode. Yes, we are recording both episodes at once. But, they don’t know that.
      • Geoffrey: They do now! You just told them!
      • Alfred: Please, just tell them what happened.
      • Geoffrey: Ok. I was on a bus with Doris. She took out her teeth to try and kiss me. However, we couldn’t find her teeth. So, everyone on the bus started looking for them. We didn’t find them. We only found a false leg!
      • Alfred: Thanks Geoffrey. So, this is part 2. You found the false leg and what happened next?
      • Geoffrey: I stood up and as I was taking the false leg to the front of the bus, I felt a hand on my backside.
      • Alfred: A hand on your backside?
      • Geoffrey: Yes! That’s what I said! I thought it was Doris, trying to get her hands on me again. So, I told her “Not now! Please don’t touch my backside!” It’s a danger zone down there at my age.
      • Alfred: Did she stop?
      • Geoffrey: No. She then touched my backside again. I was starting to get a little frustrated! I said “I’m sorry, but I’m a married man, now please stop touching my bum, Doris!”
      • Alfred: Was it Doris who was touching your bum?
      • Geoffrey: Yes, I looked back and it was Doris. Bent over looking and touching my bum. Quite aggressively too!
      • Alfred: Oh!
      • Geoffrey: So, I started to wave the false-leg in her direction.
      • Alfred: Why?
      • Geoffrey: To try and scare her off of course!
      • Alfred: Did it work?
      • Geoffrey: Yes! She moved back a little of afraid of my aggressive waving, then she went to the back of the bus. I stayed at the front, away from that sex mad woman! We eventually all stopped looking and the bus arrived at my stop. I gave the false-leg to the bus-driver.
      • Alfred: So you never did find the false-teeth, did you?
      • Geoffrey: Wait for it!
      • Alfred: Ok, go ahead.
      • Geoffrey: As I got off the bus. I noticed a man in the distance. He was coming towards the bus. He looked quite animated and he was hopping.
      • Alfred: He was hopping, on one leg?
      • Geoffrey: Yes! Yes!
      • Alfred: Ok, of course! He must have been the man that...
      • Geoffrey: He looked quite angry, so I said to the bus driver you should go quickly, there’s a strange man coming towards the bus.
      • Alfred: Geoffrey?
      • Geoffrey: So, the bus drove off before the man arrived.
      • Alfred: Geoffrey?
      • Geoffrey: Yes? What is it Alfred?
      • Alfred: You don’t think that was the man who was missing the false-leg, do you?
      • Geoffrey: Oh! I didn’t think of that. He could have at least walked a little calmer!
      • Alfred: Dear me!
      • Geoffrey: As I was saying. I was all a little tired by the situation! So, I decided to go the park. However, when I sat down, I felt something on my bottom!
      • Alfred: Was it Doris?
      • Geoffrey: No! She stayed on the bus!
      • Alfred: What was it then?
      • Geoffrey: It was Doris’s false teeth! They were stuck to my trousers by a melted chocolate bar!
      • Alfred: So, Doris was only trying to get her teeth and wasn’t trying to touch your backside then.
      • Geoffrey: Yes, now I know that!
      • Alfred: Poor Doris.
      • Geoffrey: Poor Geoffrey! Another pair of trouser ruined!
      • Alfred: Did you give Doris her teeth back?
      • Geoffrey: No, not yet. I’ve been using them to hide my sweets from my wife!
      • Alfred: Geoffrey! Give them back!
      • Geoffrey: Well, where can I hide my sweets?
      • Alfred: You should really talk to your wife!
      • Geoffrey: But, sometimes I can’t understand a word she is saying!
      • Alfred: That because you’re half-deaf!
      • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes! What?
      • Alfred: I’ll tell you what you can leave your sweets here, that is until you speak to your wife.
      • Geoffrey: You won’t eat them will you?
      • Alfred: Of course not! I’m more of a biscuit-man myself!
      • Geoffrey: You are a great friend!
      • Alfred: Thanks. Now, go and give Doris her teeth back. Then, go home and speak to your wife!
      • Geoffrey: Alright. I’m going!
      • Alfred: Bye Geoffrey.
      • Geoffrey: Bye!
      • Alfred: Well, Geoffrey has gone, so that is another podcast finished. Thanks for listening. Now, where did he put those sweets?

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        8 min
      • S1E24 - Quick Dictations - Football
        Episode Notes

        A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.

        How to use:
        1. Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
        2. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
        3. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
        4. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
          5. Transcript:

          I love football! I go and watch my local team every week. I love shouting at the players! I shout good things when we are winning. I shout bad things when we are losing. I usually shout bad things! I used to shout at the referee in the past. However, one day, that changed. I was shouting at the referee. I told him that his glasses were too small. He suddenly stopped. He then came over angrily. He said he had an eye condition. He then told me to be the referee and he walked off. I accepted the challenge and refereed the match. It was a disaster! That was the last time I shouted at a referee.

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          4 min
        5. S1E23 - Learn English with Two Old Men - The False-Teeth Mystery Part 1
          Episode Notes

          Learn English with Two Old Men.

          The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey!

          Support us

          Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:

          https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish

          How to use

          See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.

          Transcript

          • Alfred: Welcome to Two Old Men in a Shed. I’m still waiting for Geoffrey. He’s late again. At least, I haven’t got one of his strange friends knocking on the door this time.
          • Alfred: Oh dear, I hope it’s not Doris again! Come in!
          • Geoffrey: Yes, Yes, Hello Alfred! It’s me Geoffrey.
          • Alfred: Thank god for that.
          • Geoffrey: Thank god for what?
          • Alfred: That it’s you!
          • Geoffrey: Yes. Of course it’s me! Who else would it be?
          • Alfred: Well, do you remember last week? You arrived quite late. Also, your friend was here and I had to listen to her.
          • Geoffrey: My friend was here? What friend are you talking about?
          • Alfred: Oh dear! Doris, she was here with me alone and we recorded a podcast while we were waiting for you.
          • Geoffrey: Doris was here? Yes, yes. I seem to recall finding her here. You need to be careful with Doris. She might be 85, but she is like a Burmese tiger!
          • Alfred: Like a Burmese tiger? Whatever do you mean?
          • Geoffrey: She’s a naughty girl. Leave her alone with someone and she’ll soon be jumping on top of them!
          • Alfred: Thank god that didn’t happen!
          • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. She didn’t try to kiss you? She’s done it to all the old men at the retirement home! How strange! She must only like older men!
          • Alfred: Older men?
          • Geoffrey: Yes, that must be it. I remember on the way home, on the bus, she literally jumped on top of me. She stuck her tongue down my throat.
          • Alfred: Please! No more details!
          • Geoffrey: Of course, she had to remove her false teeth first; she usually puts them in her pocket where she keeps her sweets and tissues.
          • Alfred: I’m going to vomit. Please, don’t tell me anything else happened!
          • Geoffrey: Remember, I’m a married man. Of course I didn’t do anything else.
          • Alfred: You saying that you are a married man is a sentence that I will never get used to.
          • Geoffrey: Thank you! Anyway, when I managed to get her off me, she couldn’t find her false teeth!
          • Alfred: I imagine they were probably in your pockets! You’ve got allsorts in there.
          • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Well everything except biscuits these days! My wife still hides them!
          • Alfred: I hope you wife didn’t find the false teeth. That would be hell of an explanation, to explain why you have another woman’s false teeth in there.
          • Geoffrey: They weren’t in my pocket!
          • Alfred: Ah! Did you find them?
          • Geoffrey: Well, we started looking everywhere. In my pockets, in her handbag, she even started to look down my trousers for a long time, but we couldn’t find them!
          • Alfred: Is that the story?
          • Geoffrey: No! Let me finish!
          • Alfred: I thought you had stopped!
          • Geoffrey: I was trying to pause to give dramatic effect.
          • Alfred: Wow! I’m not used to it. Usually, you just talk and talk and never stop! You’re really starting to get into this podcast aren’t you?
          • Geoffrey: This pod...what?
          • Alfred: Oh dear! Anyway, where did you find the false teeth?
          • Geoffrey: Well, that is the funny thing.
          • Alfred: I expect that it is.
          • Geoffrey: We had all of the passengers looking for the teeth. Even the bus driver was on his knees looking around.
          • Alfred: Did you find them?
          • Geoffrey: Do you know what?
          • Alfred: Can you just finish the story.
          • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. The story, of course I’ll finish it. But do you know what?
          • Alfred: Dear me! What Geoffrey?
          • Geoffrey: I thought that before I met my wife...
          • Alfred: Is that the wife that we haven’t mentioned in a long time?
          • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, her!
          • Alfred: Ok, Go on...
          • Geoffrey: Before I met my wife, I thought I was a very clean gentleman!
          • Alfred: I don’t know what to laugh about more there, the fact you still have a wife, that you thought you were clean or that you consider yourself to be a gentleman!
          • Geoffrey: There’s no need to be rude.
          • Alfred: I’m sorry Alfred.
          • Geoffrey: Good! Well, when my wife showed me that I had a cupboard under the sink, I couldn’t believe it! The cupboard was full of old cleaning products! It was astonishing!
          • Alfred: Why?
          • Geoffrey: Well, I’ve never bought cleaning products in my life! How did they get there under my sink?
          • Alfred: You probably bought them by accident.
          • Geoffrey: By accident?! Me? Well, probably! Although to be honest, whenever I’ve needed to give something a quick clean, I’ve always used a bit of whisky, water and my toothbrush.
          • Alfred: Your toothbrush and whisky? That does explain a lot.
          • Geoffrey: Yes, yes... like what?
          • Alfred: Well, your house always smells like whiskey even the garden. Also, I would describe the colour of your teeth as a mixture of whisky and dirt.
          • Geoffrey: But the important thing is that they are my own teeth! Well all except the front one...or two...or three. But most are my own teeth!
          • Alfred: Ok. I have no idea where we are in this story.
          • Geoffrey: Yes! Well, after my wife cleaned my kitchen, I couldn’t believe the difference! I thought my kitchen walls were brown! I thought it was a style to match the wooden cupboards. After my wife...
          • Alfred: whose name is...?
          • Geoffrey: I said her name on the other podcast. After my wife cleaned them I nearly had to wear those dark glasses in the morning to protect them against the shiny white walls.
          • Alfred: Dark glasses? You mean sunglasses, don’t you?
          • Geoffrey: Yes, those.
          • Alfred: By the way, how is your wife? Did you ever find out whether she was cheating or not?
          • Geoffrey: My wife, I don’t really want to speak about her right now.
          • Alfred: I’m sorry Geoffrey. Anyway, back to the story.
          • Geoffrey: Yes! The story! Yes, yes, yes! What story?
          • Alfred: Wow. At least he is not Doris! The story about the false teeth on the bus.
          • Geoffrey: Yes. Well if you stop distracting me, I’ll finish the story.
          • Alfred: Distracting you?
          • Geoffrey: Yes, you are always interrupting!
          • Alfred: Me? Interrupting?
          • Geoffrey: Yes! Right, we were all on the floor of the bus looking for the false teeth. What I wanted to say is that I couldn’t believe how dirty it was down there! We found everything; so much chewing gum, hair clips and even a false leg!
          • Alfred: A false leg?
          • Geoffrey: Yes! Now who would leave a false leg on a bus? Wouldn’t they realise that they got on the bus with two legs and left with only one? It’s not the type of thing you can miss easily!
          • Alfred: You’d be surprised! All it takes is a couple of glasses of wine, and the next moment you’ve got a false leg missing!
          • Geoffrey: Don’t be silly.

            • To be continued....

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            12 min
          • S1E22 - Quick Dictations - The Wedding Dress Accident
            Episode Notes

            A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.

            How to use:
            1. Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
            2. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
            3. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
            4. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.
              5. Transcript:

              I’ll always remember my wedding day, mostly for the wrong reasons! I bought my wedding dress months in advance. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go for the final dress fitting because I was ill. I had also discovered a new bakery that year. On my wedding day, when I went to put on the dress, I couldn’t zip it up at the back. I asked my mother to help. She couldn’t do it. Eventually, there were 5 of us, including my dad trying to close it. We managed to close it. However, during the wedding, I was walking down the aisle when I felt something, a lot of cold air on my back. My wedding dress had burst open at the back. Everybody could see my bottom – my friends, my family, everyone! That is, everyone except my new husband!

              Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

              5 min
            5. S1E21 - Learn English with Celebrity Interviews - Marilyn Monroe
              Episode Notes

              Learn English with Celebrity Interviews

              Our interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.

              Today, he travels to the 1950's to interview the blonde bombshell herself, Marilyn Monroe.

              How to use

              See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.

              Transcript

              • Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews. The show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous.
              • Today, we’ve travelled to the USA. To meet the blonde bombshell of the 1950’s, Marilyn Monroe.
              • Interviewer: Mrs Monroe, nice to meet you.
              • MM: Call me Miss. Nice to meet you!
              • Interviewer: Ok, let’s get to the questions. Your real name was Norma. Why did you change it to Marilyn?
              • MM: Well, to be honest, I think that to get somewhere in Hollywood as a woman, you need a name. I thought that Norma was a bit too normal, if you get what I mean!
              • Interviewer: To many, you are seen as the definite sex symbol. What is your opinion on this?
              • MM: Well, it is easy to give labels to people. I did not create nor do I call myself a sex symbol. That was given to me by a male orientated world. Can’t a girl look glamorous and also be talented. I have talents, I can act, I can sing and also I can balance an egg on my nose.
              • Interviewer: Really?
              • MM: yes, for one minute. By the way, that is question 3!
              • Interviewer: Damn! Can you balance anything else on your nose?
              • MM: No, that would be ridiculous. I’m a dedicated woman and it took me years of practice to be able to balance an egg on my nose. By the way, that was your fourth question! Are you getting a bit hot under the collar talking to an international sex symbol?
              • Interviewer: No, you are a very beautiful woman, but, I’m fine. I’m ready to ask you the next question about your melons...
              • MM: My melons?
              • Interview: I mean your coconuts... No! I mean about your life!
              • MM: Well, go ahead...Mr. Interviewer.
              • Interviewer: You often refer to Marilyn Monroe in the third-person. Why is this? Do you have schizophrenia?
              • MM: Well, I’ve never told anyone this publically. But, Marilyn for me is a character. Like that mouse, what is his name?
              • Interviewer: Mickey Mouse?
              • MM: Yes! Mickey Mouse is just a character, but when he gets home, he’s probably a different person, maybe he’s really sweet, and maybe he’s a bad person. But Mickey Mouse is only his character.
              • Interviewer: But Mickey Mouse is fictional...
              • MM: Exactly!
              • Interviewer: Right! What? So you are comparing yourself to a fictional cartoon, aren’t you?
              • MM: Well, I see Marilyn as an image, maybe she doesn’t live in a cartoon world, maybe she doesn’t have a girlfriend called Minnie or wear giant big white gloves, but she is a character for the cameras. I can switch her on and off like that.
              • Interviewer: Like what?
              • MM: Like that!
              • Interviewer: Sorry, like what?
              • MM: Like...that!
              • Interviewer: But, you do know that Mickey Mouse doesn’t exist in the real world, that he... or it is a fictional drawn cartoon character, don’t you?
              • MM: I’m afraid you’re all out of questions Mr President. I mean Mr Interviewer.
              • Interviewer: Well, Marilyn Monroe it has been nice to look at you. I mean to talk to you.
              • MM: Thank you. I have one question for you. You are from the future, right?
              • Interviewer: Yes, that is true.
              • MM: So you know about the future of Marilyn Monroe. I mean my future, right?
              • Interviewer: Yes...
              • MM: Well, in the future will I have a long life and marry President Kennedy?
              • Interviewer: Sorry, my time is up. I have to go before the time-machine leaves without me.
              • MM: Just say yes or no!
              • Interviewer: I really have to go.
              • MM: Working with Mickey Mouse was never this difficult!
              • Interviewer: Bye!

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                7 min
              • S1E20 - Quick Dictations - The Song on the Bus
                Episode Notes

                A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.

                How to use:

                1. Don't look at the transcript (text) below.
                2. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down.
                3. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary.
                4. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.

                  5. Transcript:

                  Have you ever hated a song? I hate one song, but not because it’s bad. I used to travel to work by bus every morning. It was a slow bus with a lot of stops. The bus driver liked to listen to the radio. It was a typical station for pop music. It had all the latest hits. However, I remember that for one month, they played the same song every day! Now, I can’t stand that song at all! If I hear it, I have to cover my ears. It’s a good song though! -

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                  3 min
                5. S1E19 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Had a Sex Toy in me for 10 Years
                  Episode Notes

                  Learn English with Crazy Stories

                  WARNING: The topics covered in this story may be of an adult nature. However, this story is just for fun.

                  She always felt disappointed in sex. But, then one day, it all changed. However, she didn't know why it changed until she went to see her doctor.

                  Transcript

                  When people look at me they think that I must be a very strong and outgoing girl because I’m very tall. But, in reality I’ve always been quite shy. I came from a very conservative family, so I didn’t have my first sexual experience until I was 21. It was terrible. I felt like a councillor or a physiologist, because he just lay there. It was also like as if he thought my breasts were stress balls. He also kept asking me if he was doing it right every five minutes. I had to keep telling him he was doing well and should continue.
                  Basically, I didn’t enjoy sex. I spent my twenties going from one disappointing sexual experience to another. Do guys realize that I have a pulse or not? Do they realize that my nipples don’t turn on the radio? Do they not realize that I’m like a car on a frosty morning and that they need to warm me up a little bit before the journey? Through my twenties, I went from one disappointment to another. No guy could satisfy me in bed.
                  When I turned 30, I met my current partner Mark. He’s a really nice guy; he cooks, listens, but is terrible in bed. I’ve never told him. Can I change his name to Brian, just in case he listens to this podcast? The good thing with Mark is that he listens. He’s a good student. I’ve taught him about foreplay, I’ve taught him that women’s breasts are not basketballs and I’ve taught him to be patient. The sex is much better with Brian, I mean Mark... no, Brian, but I just can’t reach that final level of pleasure. Maybe it was my body?
                  One day, I was having a little house party with some of my girlfriends and one of them told me about a new sex toy that she had bought. All the girls were laughing. I giggled every time she said the word “vibrator”. With the drinks, we eventually convinced her to go and get it. Guys, this is not that type of story ok! She came down with it and explained a little about how it works. I’d never seen a sex toy up close and personal before. I was surprised that it looked quite eloquent! They said I should get one, that I’m not a sweet 16 year old girl anymore. I was very embarrassed. Eventually, we decided to have an Ann Summers Party the following month.
                  To be honest, I thought they had forgotten about the idea, but as the following month approached I received a message inviting me to go. For those of you who don’t know, an Ann Summers party is where a rep (representative) from Ann Summers comes to your house, you look at their toys and play a few games. I reluctantly agreed.
                  The day of the party arrived. It was summer so I was wearing a nice flowery dress. We drank a little wine and were all giggling to ourselves as we were waiting for the Ann Summers sales rep. She was a very formal and smart woman, but had a great sense of humour! However, when she started to get the toys out, that set me off and I couldn’t stop laughing.
                  Unfortunately, Samantha, one of my friends was a little drunk and fell into the table. The sex toys went everywhere, all over the floor. We apologized and picked them all up – well, that is what we thought. We sent Samantha upstairs to lie down. It was at that moment that the sales rep brought out an XL sized product. It was so big! She asked me to hold it. It made me laugh so much out of embarrassment that I fell over. I landed on something and it hurt! I felt a hard bump to my groin; I thought it was because I had landed on the chair leg. I thought maybe I had bruised something down there. I decided to go home and rest to see if it would get better. Luckily, I felt better the next day. So, I decided to not go to the doctor’s.
                  A week later, Mark was horny. He wanted to have sex with me. As usual, I agreed. He started to touch me in the way I had taught him. However, I was expecting another disappointment in the eternal struggle to have an orgasm. But this time was different. It was amazing!
                  I didn’t know what Brian did, but somehow he had given me my first orgasm in my life, at 32. I say the first...In reality, he gave me the 1st, 2nd and he made coffee after. Finally!
                  Over the next ten years I had incredible sex. I think I was more active than Mark, I mean Brian! However, all good things come to an end. We had been trying for a baby for 5 years. I was in the final years of a woman’s baby-making window, so I decided to see a doctor. They checked my blood, nothing! They looked at my history, nothing. Eventually, they decided to take scans of my insides.
                  I will never forget the pure embarrassment, when the doctor put the x-ray on the wall. There was a picture of my body and in the middle was what looked like a small penis. I asked the doctor if it was natural. He said that it definitely wasn’t! He said it looked like a sex toy. Then it all came flooding back to me. The last time that I used a sex toy was at that party! The pain I felt was me falling on top of the sex toy! It has been inside me for 10 years!
                  The doctor removed it and luckily it hadn’t caused any damage. We had our first baby last year. However, since the sex toy was removed, I’ve noticed that sex hasn’t been pleasurable. I’ve never told Brian this. So, now I keep and hide that same sex toy next to the bed. But that is our secret, right?

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                  10 min
                6. S1E18 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Meet Doris
                  Episode Notes

                  Learn English with Two Old Men.

                  Level: Advanced - A new character with a new accent. Don't worry, the more you listen to accents the more you get used to them. :-)

                  Another day in the shed. But where is Geoffrey?

                  A strange and very confused woman enters the shed while Alfred is waiting for Geoffrey to arrive.
                  She seems to be obsessed about promoting her turkey sandwiches at the market fair.

                  Support us

                  Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:

                  https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish

                  How to use

                  See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.

                  Transcript*

                  • Alfred: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Well, I’m here alone. Geoffrey is nowhere to be seen. I might as well tell you a little bit more about myself. I’m a bit of a collector. I collect teaspoons. I’ve got over 100 of them. Each one is different. You see tea spoons...
                  • Doris: Hello!
                  • Alfred: err...Hello?
                  • Doris: It’s Doris. Is this the radio station? It’s Doris.
                  • Alfred: Well, actually it’s my hobby podcast.
                  • Doris: I’m looking for the radio station. It’s Doris.
                  • Alfred: Well, I suppose you could call this a radio station of sorts.
                  • Doris: Yes, I was told this was the radio station. It’s Doris.
                  • Alfred: Ok, your name is Doris. Why are you looking for the radio station?
                  • Doris: I want to tell the world about the market fair.
                  • Alfred: What market fair?
                  • Doris: That’s why I’m here; to tell the world about it, to give them information. I’ve baked some cakes and made some turkey sandwiches for it. It’s Doris!
                  • Alfred: Ok, Doris. But, surely you are looking for the local radio station, right?
                  • Doris: I’m looking for the radio station owned by the old man who’s escaping his wife. Is this the radio station?
                  • Alfred: Well, I am an old man, and I do have a wife.
                  • Doris: Yes, I was told to ask for Andrew.
                  • Alfred: I’m Alfred,
                  • Doris: Yes! That’s it! Andrew!
                  • Alfred: Alfred
                  • Doris: Alright, Andrew. Is that you?
                  • Alfred: It’s Alfred.
                  • Doris: OK Andrew, I’m in the right place to talk about me turkey sandwiches.
                  • Alfred: I’m not sure this is the best place.
                  • Doris: The local radio?
                  • Alfred: No, it’s not the local radio. It’s just my podcast. Bloody hell!
                  • Doris: Ok, Where do I sit?
                  • Alfred: If you have to. Just over there. This is a shed so I don’t really have chairs, just plant pots.
                  • Doris: Look at the state of this. It’s a right state! Needs a clean! I’ll get my stocking dirty sitting on there.
                  • Alfred: Ok, try the lawnmower.
                  • Doris: As long as you don’t turn it on! I’ll be fine. I haven’t sat on a machine in donkey’s years!
                  • Alfred: I might put you under it if you carry on.
                  • Doris: What was that?
                  • Alfred: I said that I’ll help you sit on it.
                  • Doris: That’ll be lovely.
                  • Alfred: Anyway...
                  • Doris: It’s Doris.
                  • Alfred: I know. Anyway Doris, you do know that we only have one listener. I think it’s probably my wife. She’s probably listening just to see what I’m up to. Probably to make sure that I’m not up to no good or that I’m not talking to the waitresses at the pub.
                  • Doris: Well, you look like a lovely boy.
                  • Alfred: Nobody has called me a boy for a long time. Ok, you can stay.
                  • Doris: All right love. Now, where do I speak into the radio?
                  • Alfred: Can you see the black thing in front of you?
                  • Doris: Yes, love. I’m not blind yet!
                  • Alfred: Well, that is a microphone.
                  • Doris: Is it? That’s lovely. A bit small, but lovely!
                  • Alfred: Ok, Doris.
                  • Doris: When do we begin? I’ve got to be back at the old ladies club later, before 5pm. That’s when my daughter comes and picks me up. She doesn’t like me going for walks. Anyway, when do we begin the radio interview?
                  • Alfred: Well, it’s already recording.
                  • Doris: Really? You need like a red light or something to show that we’re live.
                  • Alfred: This isn’t live Doris. We record it and then people can listen to it when they want.
                  • Doris: That’s amazing! I think I need a new radio.
                  • Alfred: Why’s that?
                  • Doris: My radio has only got one knob! I can’t record on it.
                  • Alfred: Well, actually, this won’t be heard on the radio.
                  • Doris: ¨What do you mean it won’t be heard on the radio?
                  • Alfred: Déjà-vu. It’s a podcast. It’ll be on the internet and people can listen and download it.
                  • Doris: The internet? I don’t know anything about that. Technology! It’s marvellous!
                  • Alfred: Yes, it is.
                  • Doris: How will my cooking club listen to it? I’ve told them to find me on the radio.
                  • Alfred: Well, they’ll be looking in vain now. Sorry, about that. Do you want to phone them?
                  • Doris: Phone them? I don’t have one of those fancy mobile telephones. As I said before, I can’t use technology!
                  • Alfred: Use mine. Here you are.
                  • Doris: Sorry, I can’t! Those things are too small for me.
                  • Alfred: Fine!
                  • Doris: Anyway, you talk too much!
                  • Alfred: Me?
                  • Doris: Yes, look at all this time we’ve lost. I’ve got be...
                  • Alfred: Back at the ladies club by 5pm.
                  • Doris: Ok, don’t be cheeky with me! You TV and radio celebrities are all the same. Anyway, can we begin?
                  • Alfred: I’ve already told you we have! Good lord!
                  • Doris: You should have told me. I wanted to put my lipstick on first!
                  • Alfred: Why do you need lipstick for a podcast?
                  • Doris: It’s important to dress-up for these things. Look at you? Are those your slippers? You’re going to get mud in your house. What will your wife say?
                  • Alfred: These are my outside slippers. I’ve got another pair for the house. Anyway, are you ready?
                  • Doris: Yes. I’m ready! Are we recording?
                  • Alfred: Yes. Ok. So, Doris... Go!
                  • Doris: Have we finished? I haven’t even said anything about the fair yet!
                  • Alfred: No, I mean go ahead.
                  • Doris: Ah! Alright! Now?
                  • Alfred: Yes, please!
                  • Doris: Hello, everybody! It’s Doris!
                  • Alfred: Hi Doris. By the way, you don’t need to shout.
                  • Doris: I want them to hear me.
                  • Alfred: That’s why we have microphones.
                  • Doris: Ok. Well, as I said. It’s Doris. Come to the local market fair on Sunday.
                  • Alfred: Is that it?
                  • Doris: Is that what?
                  • Alfred: All that you wanted to say?
                  • Doris: Yes. That’s all love.
                  • Alfred: At least let me ask you some questions.
                  • Doris: Alright love, as you’ve been so patient with me.
                  • Alfred: So, Doris. Where is the fair?
                  • Doris: It’s in the fields behind the train station.
                  • Alfred: Right?
                  • Doris: It’s a lovely big field. The old people can come by train.
                  • Alfred: That’s thoughtful.
                  • Doris: But we do have to spend an hour picking up dog poo beforehand.
                  • Alfred: Lovely!
                  • Doris: Not really! Last year, I forgot my gloves. I had to use an old plastic bag. I didn’t realize that it had holes in it until I was having a cup of tea and a biscuit. I thought it was funny, that I had already got chocolate on my hands even before I had touched the biscuits.
                  • Alfred: ...and I thought Geoffrey was bad.
                  • Doris: I had to use the rest of the tea in my thermo flask to wash my hands. I was grumpy all afternoon.
                  • Alfred: Was that because of the poo?
                  • Doris: No, because I had no tea. Weren’t you listening?
                  • Alfred: I’m listening. Anyway, changing the story from dog poo back to this year’s market fair; tell us more about it.
                  • Doris: More about it? Ok. Well, if you’re coming back car. Don’t park in the train station, they charge you a bomb! One pound an hour just to park your car.
                  • Alfred: It doesn’t seem too bad.
                  • Doris: What you should do, is park your car on the far side of the field. That is unless it’s raining. If it’s raining it gets quite boggy down there. You see, the field is on a slope. All the water runs down to the far side. You don’t want to get stuck down there.
                  • Alfred: Wow! This is so interesting.
                  • Doris: I haven’t finished yet. Are we still recording?
                  • Alfred: Yes...
                  • Doris: Ok. If it’s raining park your car in the supermarket car park. You can stay there an hour or two. It’s a bit of a walk though.
                  • Alfred: Good information. Anyway, Doris, what can people do at the fair?
                  • Doris: Well, there are games for old and young. There are also a lot of homemade products to buy. I’m making turkey sandwiches. If you want the best turkey sandwiches ask for Doris. They all know me. Do you like turkey sandwiches?
                  • Alfred: I can’t say they are my favourite. But, yes, I guess I do.
                  • Doris: Well come down to the fair on Sunday.
                  • Alfred: Well, thank you Doris! It has been very...interesting to meet you.
                  • Doris: Are we done?
                  • Alfred: Yes.
                  • Doris: One more thing.
                  • Alfred: Yes?
                  • Doris: Can I get an autograph for my granddaughter? She loves all the celebrities!
                  • Alfred: Well, I’m not really a celebrity. I don’t think she’d want my autograph. She wouldn’t even know who I am.
                  • Doris: Oh dear! You radio celebrities are all the same! You think you’re better than the rest. All I wanted was an autograph.
                  • Alfred: Ok, I’ll give you an autograph.
                  • Doris: That’s lovely.
                  • Alfred: Here you are.
                  • Doris: Lovely! Can you make it two?
                  • Alfred: Two autographs?
                  • Doris: Yes, maybe I can use one as prize in the market fair raffle.
                  • Alfred: Well, I guess a bit of free publicity won’t be bad. Even though, nobody will have an idea of who I am.
                  • Doris: OK.
                  • Alfred: Here’s another autograph.
                  • Doris: I’m going now.
                  • Alfred: Right, thanks! How did you find us, by the way?
                  • Doris: I made a new friend at the ladies club.
                  • Alfred: Was it Margaret.
                  • Doris: No, it wasn’t a lady. It was an old guy who came by accident. I can’t remember his name. When he first came, he thought it was another type of ladies’ club. He asked us when we’d start taking off our clothes and dancing.
                  • Alfred: That sounds very much like Geoffrey:
                  • Doris: He was very confused and doesn’t know where he is half of the time.
                  • Alfred: That must be Geoffrey!
                  • Doris: But we’ve accepted him.
                  • (KNOCK)
                  • Alfred: Come in.
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. Hello!
                  • Doris: Speak of the devil. That’s him.
                  • Alfred: Geoffrey.
                  • Doris: Yes, that’s his name. George.
                  • Alfred: Geoffrey.
                  • Doris: Yes, George.
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, George.
                  • Doris: You see. I remember a face.
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no! It’s Geoffrey.
                  • Doris: Ok, Geoffrey. Are you coming to the ladies club? You can meet my daughter.
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, but, I’m here for Alfred’s radio show. We were going to talk about something. I can’t remember what is though.
                  • Alfred: Don’t worry. We’ve already done it.
                  • Doris: Did you record it?
                  • Alfred: Yes.
                  • Geoffrey: He’s always recording, this Alfred.
                  • Doris: He’s a bit of a cheeky bugger!
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. He isn’t he.
                  • Doris: I have to go now.
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ll come with you. Where are we going?
                  • Doris: To the ladies’ club. Do you like turkey sandwiches?
                  • Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I do
                  • Doris: Ok, let’s go.
                  • Alfred: Well. Geoffrey and his friend have left. I hope it’s just his friend. I hope he doesn’t invite her back. Wow, I need a cup of tea after that. Thanks everybody. If you like turkey sandwiches, you know where to go. Goodbye... Oh! Why do I do this to myself?

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                    15 min

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