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Chuckle English episodes

February 11, 2020 S1E17 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Made Love to a Car
Episode Notes
Learn English with Crazy Stories
When Gary was a child, his parents couldn't afford a car. So they used to imagine driving a car down the street. Gary was in love with that car. If only it was real...
...Now an adult, Gary finally finds the car of his dreams.
*May contain adult content.
Transcript
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have any cars. We used to have to walk everywhere. I would walk to school, to the supermarket, everywhere. As a family we used to walk as if we were in a car. My parents walking together in front and my sister and I walking directly behind them. We would pretend to go to the garage to put petrol in our ‘car’; my father would hold the petrol pump nozzle and my mother would make the pump noises. Of course, my father wasn’t holding a real nozzle; he was holding a carrot, which we shared afterwards.
Our imaginary car wasn’t a Ferrari or Mercedes or anything fancy. It was a regular family size car. I always imagined it to be green.
I remember our best Christmas ever, we managed to save some money to buy a car air freshener. The small was called Spring Day Mint. When we walked down the street pretending to be a car, my mother would hold the air freshener. I enjoyed the smell, although it did smell the same as the bathroom after it had been cleaned with cleaning product.
So that is where I came from. I was always jealous of other people’s cars. I wished that one day I could by my own car.
15 years later I managed to finish high school and get a decent job. In fact, it is my dream job. I wash cars all day. I get to touch those amazing bodies every day. I have two sponges, but sometimes, I also use my body as a sponge. I wet my clothes and then rub myself along the car to clean it and experience a deep connection with the beast. I have been fired 5 times by other garages. But, finally, I have a boss who understands. Well, I actually think he doesn’t care as long as we make money.
It was one spring day, when everything changed. I was waiting for my next customer to bring their car when there I saw it. A typical family sized car and it was green. They also wanted it to be washed. This was it! That imaginary car from my childhood was real! It was mine for 20 minutes. All mine!
I started to wash it and all the memories came back to me. Nobody was watching, so I decided to open the door. Then a smell hit me. It smelled of that same Spring Day Mint smell. I knew then that the car wanted me! I started to breathe heavily. I started to lick all the seats in the car. I licked all the seats, except for one suspicious dirty mark in the back seat. I was horny.
Over the next 15 minutes I slowly explored the car and had sex with it. The gearstick was as good and pleasurable as I imagined, although I did accidently put the car into reverse a few times. I then got out of the car and was ready to play with the exhaust when the owner came back.
He was a little suspicious why the door was open. I said that I had given the inside of the car a free clean. He was very happy and even praised me for giving the seats a nice shine.
As the car drove off I noticed smoke coming from the exhaust. I thought to myself “typical! Smoking after sex”. But it was great sex!
I’ve never seen that car again. Sometimes, I think whether it really happened or if I had inhaled too many cleaning products in my job. Maybe that green car will come back one day.
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6 min
February 04, 2020S1E16 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Geoffrey's War Stories
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
It is a cold and rainy day in the shed. Geoffrey wants a cup of tea. Somehow, this leads to a story about having showers during the war. Are Geoffrey's stories true? Who knows?!
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How to use
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Transcript*
ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Geoffrey, you’ve been stirring that tea for the last hour. It’s probably too cold by now.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes it’s cold. Can you make me another?
ALFRED: Really Geoffrey?! It’s raining outside and to make a cup of tea I’ll have to walk from the shed all the way to the house. I’ve only just managed to get my woolly jumper dry after coming her.
Geoffrey: That’s a woolly jumper?
ALFRED: Yes, why?
Geoffrey: I thought you’d got a new pet.
Geoffrey: It’s very thick.
ALFRED: I do get old easily at my age, don’t you?
Geoffrey: Sometimes, but it’s only a bit rain! I’ve seen worse, yes, yes. When I was in the war we couldn’t have showers, so we used to pray for rain. Then we’d take our clothes off and use the rain to clean ourselves, even in the middle of a battle.
Alfred: Geoffrey! That can’t be true.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. It is! That’s why my skin is so leathery, rain water does that.
Alfred: I thought your skin was like that because of the time that you bought some funny shaped candles thinking they were soap.
Geoffrey: Well, nowadays with novelty candles and novelty soap, it’s easy to get them mixed up!
Alfred: You didn’t notice the wick sticking out of it, did you?
Geoffrey: I thought that was to help not drop it.
Alfred: Why would someone need so much effort to not drop soap?
Geoffrey: Well what about p
Alfred: Please don’t say prisoners.
Geoffrey: What about swimming pool changing rooms after senior citizen swimming classes?
Alfred: What is wrong with the changing room after swimming lessons for senior citizens?
Geoffrey: After all those old men have had a shower, there’s so much white hair on the floor, that you go in with bare feet and come out with a thick pair of white socks on your feet!
Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! I’m sure that is not true.
Geoffrey: Well, when was the last time you went to a swimming pool?
Alfred: I haven’t been for donkey’s years!
Geoffrey: Exactly!
Alfred: Anyway, I’m sure you were about to take me on a fantastic and frankly probably imaginary story from your time in the war.
Geoffrey: Well, my stories are true...usually... well; the parts that I can remember are true. Sometimes, I fill in the gaps with what I’ve read that morning in the newspaper.
Alfred: Now, I see. So you didn’t have a state visit by the US president, did you?
Geoffrey: No, probably not!
Alfred: So, you were telling me how you had showers in the rain during the war...
Geoffrey: Yes! I remember once we were held up in an abandoned French village called Cul-de-sac or something strange like that.
Alfred: Cul-de-sac? I’m sure you’re getting confused with the street sign round the corner again.
Geoffrey: Your street is called Cul-de-sac? Why on earth would they give the street a strange foreign name?
Alfred: No, the street is called Hetherington Road. It is a cul-de-sac.
Geoffrey: I still don’t get it!
Alfred: That’s not surprising. Anyway, can we please go back to the war.
Geoffrey: Go back to the war! Don’t you think we are a bit old! I can’t even stab a pea with my fork because my hands shake so much, never mind holding a rifle!
Alfred: Geoffrey...
Geoffrey: We fought for this country to make it free and you want to back to the war! Live in the present!
Alfred: Geoffrey...
Geoffrey: To be honest, I’m quite disappointed in you Alfred.
Alfred: Geoffrey, please!
Geoffrey: What?
Alfred: I meant to say let’s go back to your war story.
Geoffrey: Oh! Yes. Anyway, we were once held up in an abandoned French village called Cut my sack or something similar.
Alfred: Oh dear...
Geoffrey: Then some German infantry came round the corner and saw us; we were 15 men, all naked with our weapons out.
Alfred: Your weapons out? You do been your gun, don’t you? I hope you are talking about your guns.
Geoffrey: Yes, our guns.
Alfred: I mean the metal gun not your... err... gentleman’s....
Geoffrey: My gentleman’s what?
Alfred: You know what I mean.
Geoffrey: Yes, I know what you mean. I’m talking about our guns. We had all them out.
Alfred: You’re not using an innuendo are you, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: An innuendo? You do have a dirty mind Alfred! I’m talking about our rifles, we were all naked and holding our own rifles.
Alfred: Oh dear. Anyway, you said a group of German soldiers came round the corner and caught you all naked and holding on to your...erm...weapons. What happened then? They obviously didn’t kill you. You’re still here talking to you. Unless, I’m crazy and have created an invisible and often annoying friend to torture myself with...
Geoffrey: Invisible friend?
Alfred: Oh god! Maybe I’m not actually making a podcast and that is not actually a microphone. Maybe, I’m really in the bath talking to the toilet brush!
Geoffrey: Alfred! You are really here! I am really here... I think!
Alfred: Ok, I don’t think I’d be that cruel to myself, by creating you as an invisible friend.
Geoffrey: You’re being very nice calling me your friend. You don’t often compliment me. I hope you are not going to cry!
Alfred: No, I’m not going to cry. Anyway, those thoughts must be the effect of the new pills I’m taking.
Geoffrey: New pills? What are they for?
Alfred: Well, I’ve got so many pills that I don’t even bother to ask the doctor these days. I just ask him if I’ll still be able to remember my name in the morning.
Geoffrey: Can you?
Alfred: Yes, of course, Geoffrey. I’m not like you yet!
Geoffrey: Sometimes, I have to write my name on my glasses case. But, that does mean that I have to remember where my glasses case is.
Alfred: I feel so much better now!
Geoffrey: Glad to help and old ‘friend’.
Alfred: No, thank you ‘friend’!
Geoffrey: This is getting a little emotional and personal. You’re not going to start crying are you?
Alfred: I haven’t cried in years. I think. Not that I can remember. Anyway, please continue your story. Some Germans found you and your fellow soldiers naked...
Geoffrey: Ah yes! They looked at us and quickly turned around and marched away. Except for one who stood there smiling. It’s not usual to find such a happy soldier during war-time. I gave him a wink. He gave me a wink back. Then, he eventually turned round and went away. The funniest thing is, he seemed to be carrying two pistols in his trousers.
Alfred: I wish I could disconnect my brain right now.
Geoffrey: Anyway, the Germans left the village. Then we all waved our guns around in celebration.
Alfred: Please stop talking about waving your gun about.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Then we put our clothes on.
Alfred: Right.
Geoffrey: You see, command HQ was very pleased. That village was at an important location in France. We managed to win and secure the village without firing a bullet. They told us we were all going to be rewarded.
Alfred: Fantastic!
Geoffrey: Unfortunately, the rest of them died the following month due to hyperthermia.
Alfred: I’m not surprised. France is in Europe after all. A cold winter...
Geoffrey: Yes, that is true, but...
Alfred: ...naked, such a shame they died of doing something such as showering in the cold rain. So silly! It could have been easily prevented.
Geoffrey: Yes, but...
Alfred: A group of men together, I’m sure in those situations when everyone smells, it doesn’t really matter.
Geoffrey: Yes, but...
Alfred: It just seems so ridiculous that they died from getting hypothermia from showering naked in the rain..,
Geoffrey: Yes, but...
Alfred: But what?
Geoffrey: They didn’t get hypothermia from the naked showers!
Alfred: How did they get it?
Geoffrey: Well, they fell into a river.
Alfred: They fell into a river?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes!
Alfred: How did that happen?
Geoffrey: Well, the German who winked at me came back one day without his uniform.
Alfred: Hmmm...
Geoffrey: At that moment I realised that it wasn’t a gun in his trousers.
Alfred: He was happy to see you?
Geoffrey: Rather excited I would say.
Alfred: Ok, but what has it got to do with the river.
Geoffrey: Well, people weren’t so open minded in those days. Could you imagine a big 6ft 3 naked German coming towards you asking for a kiss and cuddle? To them, it was scarier than seeing 100 armed soldiers coming towards them. So, they all ran and jumped so quickly into the river that they didn’t see it had a layer of ice on top.
Alfred: Why didn’t you jump?
Geoffrey: Well, at that moment, I was missing my mother and really needed a hug.
Alfred: Wow! I’m afraid to ask and don’t really want to know. But, did anything else happen?
Geoffrey: of course not! I told him that if he tried anything, I’d give Adolf a call.
Alfred: Thank goodness for that.
Geoffrey: Anyway, where is that cup of tea?
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13 min
January 28, 2020 S1E15 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Had Botched Surgery
Learn English with Crazy Stories
She always wanted to have surgery to improve her looks.
However, she couldn't afford surgery from a regular private hospital. So, she decided to look for cheaper options...
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Botched Surgery.
I’ve always tried to improve my physical appearance. When I was younger, I used to take my shoe laces out and use them to tie-up my hair in different ways. Of course, I couldn’t walk more than a few meters without falling over my loose shoes! I banged my nose a lot. But, it was worth it, for that moment of creating a new style.
When I was in school, I used to paint giant red lips on my face using the felt-tip pens, they used to call me big mouth, but I liked it. I was me, I was different and I was gorgeous! I used to quickly run to the bathroom and try to rub it off, before I went home. Sometimes it worked and I smelt of soap, other times I couldn’t get the red colour off. My mother used to think I got into a lot of fights.
When I was a teen, I discovered plastic surgery. I wanted it from a young age. I used to adore oversized babes, like Pamela Anderson, I’d practise pouting and getting the look right, I was just missing the lips and the boobs. I tried to fill my bra for a few years, but in the end stuffing your bra with cushions doesn’t quite give the right look, and once you’ve bent over, they’re all out of shape. More drag queen that Dolly Parton.
A few years ago, I got my first job and decided to save up for surgery. Unfortunately, my job as a mechanic doesn’t allow me to save a lot. So, I spent many nights alone in bed, by myself, looking for cheap surgery. I considered going to Thailand get some work done, but I don’t like the food, or people to think I’m a ladyboy with my over the top make-up.
I started to get a bit frustrated, but one day, while browsing on Instagram, I found a post, from an Eastern European surgeon who was trying to set-up a new cosmetic surgery centre in this country. He was offering cheap surgery as he hadn’t bought a property yet. He was working out of his home. I decided it was now or never. I contacted him, and we set a date.
When I arrived, I noticed that his house was dirty, cigarette butts all over the floor. But, I imagined that if he was just getting started, he must smoke a lot with the pressure and not have time to clean properly. He was not alone, there was another guy in a tracksuit, and he said that he was his apprentice and that he believed in giving work to poor people without opportunities. I believed him.
He then stroked my arm and told me to undress. I did. He said he hadn’t had a chance to buy any patient gowns or pyjamas yet, but they were not really needed. I got undressed and then he gave me a drink that he said was a perfectly acceptable replacement to anaesthetic in Eastern Europe. I drank it and then felt my eyes clothes as he laid me down on his coffee table.
I didn’t feel anything. That is until I woke-up. I felt a little pain in my chest. I tried to look at my boobs, but they were covered in plasters and bandages. They certainly looked bigger! They were really big! I touched and felt them. One felt tender and hurt when I touched it, the other felt very soft and I didn’t feel anything. It was like I was touching another person’s boob. He said it was normal for one to hurt and the other to feel nothing and that it was my brain directing all the pain into one boob. I accepted his explanation.
The apprentice had changed his tracksuit bottoms, but he must have got the other pair dirty. They made me a cup of coffee and then he told me not to remove the bandages for 5 days. I paid in cash and left.
5 days later, I woke up. It was time to see my new boobs in their fully glory! The painful boob had stopped hurting, so I decided to unwrap that one first. I removed the bandage slowly; it hurt a little and was dirty as I had been working in the garage during that time. Wow! It looked marvellous! The boob of my dreams, bigger than Pam’s boob. I couldn’t wait to unwrap the other boob!
However, when I started to unwrap it, I noticed that I couldn’t feel anything. It also felt soft. Little by little the bandages came off. The boob felt soft, hairy and almost furry! What had happened? Had I grown a layer of thick hair on my boob?
As I unwrapped it, something large fell off and fell onto the floor! My booby was missing! It was flat, like a man’s chest. I then looked at what had fallen on the floor. To my surprise, it was a teddy bear monkey! What? I couldn’t believe it. They had removed my left boob and replaced it with a teddy bear! I now have one big beautiful boob and another flat one! I was so angry!
I decided to go and find this man! So, I put my new bra on, and put the monkey into one side of it and I marched to the house of the surgery. But, it was closed, no-one was home. The windows were boarded-up. The surgeon had left. I tried to email him, after a few days I did get a reply, saying that there was a problem with my left-boob during the surgery and that the monkey was the only boob shaped item in his house at the time. He also said that his Visa had run-out and he had to leave the country.
I couldn’t afford any more surgery to fix the problem, so I left the problem as is it. However, I have found that it is advantageous in my job to only have one boob. Sometimes, I can’t get under a car to fix it with the side of my body with the big breast. So, I just turn my body around and I can fit, it’s great having one flat and one big booby. Double benefit!
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10 min
January 21, 2020S1E14 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Is She Cheating?
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
Geoffrey has been with his new wife a few weeks now. However, she seems to be hiding something. Alfred listens to Geoffrey's stories again with wonder.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript*
ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men in a Shed! With me, Alfred and my 80 years young colleague, Geoffrey! Say hello Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Hello.
ALFRED: What? Just hello?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes.
ALFRED: You’re not going to make the same joke that you make every podcast by saying ‘hello Geoffrey’? You know how I love that joke!
Geoffrey: No, I don’t feel like it.
ALFRED: Wow, something must be up with you. What is wrong Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: I don’t know if I should say on this microphone. I don’t want my private life to be public knowledge.
ALFRED: Public knowledge? Who will find out?
Geoffrey: All the listeners to this radio programme.
ALFRED: It’s a podcast.
Geoffrey: A what?
ALFRED: Oh never mind! Anyway, we probably only have one listener.
Geoffrey: One listener! Hello!
ALFRED: They probably only found this podcast by accident. The listener is probably a young woman who was searching for tips on how to meet rich men and instead of writing Gold men, she wrote old men.
Geoffrey: Well, I hope she finds real love. I wish I did.
ALFRED: But, I thought that you had found a wife? Has she finally left you? (As I expected).
Geoffrey: No, no. It’s not that bad.
ALFRED: What do you mean it’s not that bad? You haven’t poisoned her have you? I told you that you should change that old lead pan you have.
Geoffrey: She is still alive. I wish my heart was.
ALFRED: Tell us. I mean tell me what has happened Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Well, I don’t know. But I think that my Filipino wife Pim is cheating on me.
ALFRED: Cheating? Wow, this is serious. Why do you think that?
Geoffrey: Well, for example, I was on my way to the gym.
ALFRED: You go to the gym?
Geoffrey: Yes, I was on my way to the gym when I realized that I had forgotten my gym bag. So, I had to turn the car around and drive back home.
ALFRED: You drive a car?
Geoffrey: Yes, as I arrived home at the mansion,
ALFRED: You have a mansion?
Geoffrey: I started to whistle a well-known jazz-rock song.
ALFRED: You know music from the 20th century!?
Geoffrey: I then walked up the stairs and as I got near the bedroom door I heard some banging in the bedroom. So, I opened the door and then saw my blonde American wife.
ALFRED: Your blonde American wife? I thought she was a dark Philippine woman!
Geoffrey: I asked her what she was doing. She said she was doing some morning exercises.
ALFRED: This sounds very strange.
Geoffrey: Then I noticed them!
ALFRED: What did you notice?
Geoffrey: Some boxer-shorts on the floor.
ALFRED: But, don’t you wear boxer shorts?
Geoffrey: Yes, I picked them up and then realized that the material wasn’t as soft as my usual boxer-shorts.
ALFRED: What the?
Geoffrey: These boxer-shorts where of a lower quality. I’m very sensitive in that area, so I only buy the best quality boxer shorts. That is when I realized that these belonged to another man!
ALFRED: Oh! What happened next?
Geoffrey: A young handsome man who looked like a gardener with long hair fell out of the wardrobe in a very comedic way.
ALFRED: You don’t have a gardener!
Geoffrey: I then used my kung-fu skills and I beat him up!
ALFRED: What kung-fu skills?
Geoffrey: The kung-fu skills I learned as a top international spy.
ALFRED: A top international spy? Geoffrey, I think that you are mixing life and some movie that you’ve seen again.
Geoffrey: That does explain why my wife looked like Julia Roberts.
ALFRED: Do you remember the last time that you mixed reality with a movie and you said that aliens had visited you.
Geoffrey: Yes, we had a nice cup of tea together!
ALFRED: That was probably a movie!
Geoffrey: It was real. I remember because I was quite upset that they left the biscuits. Those were my best biscuits!
ALFRED: Oh dear! Ok, now we have cleared that up, that it was a movie and that your wife is not Julie Roberts and she is not cheating on you. Can you try and be a bit happier!
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no.
ALFRED: No? Why not?
Geoffrey: Because now I remember the real story.
ALFRED: What is the real story?
Geoffrey: Well, the other day. I got home early.
ALFRED: You got home early? What do you mean? You don’t work Geoffrey. If you say you were at the gym again, I’m going to...
Geoffrey: No, I wasn’t at the gym. I’m sure this is a real story.
ALFRED: Ok, I’ll give you one more chance. Wow, that is the first time I’ve heard that sentence not being said by my wife, Mabel. Lovely woman! Go ahead...
Geoffrey: Yes! I got home early from the bridge and chess club. As I walked in, I heard her in the bathroom. As I said, I’ve never seen her naked. She usually spends an hour in there.
ALFRED: I know the story; my wife takes half an hour to get ready!
Geoffrey: So, I asked her if she had seen my glasses.
ALFRED: That’s normal. I think that is the most common sentence you say. You must say it once every hour. You usually spend the next 30 minutes looking for them, only to realize that the glasses are on your nose.
Geoffrey: Anyway, I asked her, then I’m sure I heard a man’s voice reply. Saying, “I saw them in the kitchen this morning”
ALFRED: A man answered you?
Geoffrey: I think so. The thing is, when she eventually came out of the bathroom, it was just her. I checked the bathroom afterwards and there was nobody there!
ALFRED: That is strange! Where the windows closed?
Geoffrey: Well, I don’t have a window in my bathroom anymore.
ALFRED: You don’t have a window?
Geoffrey: If you remember, a thief broke into my house through my window while I was in the shower. After seeing my 80 year old bottom full of hairs, he immediately jumped back out of the window forgetting that there is a 5 meter drop.
ALFRED: I do remember, it was in the newspaper! So, what happened to the window?
Geoffrey: I covered it up with a piece of wood. I don’t mind. At my age, its best not to see what comes out of you.
ALFRED: Ok. So you think you heard a man’s voice coming from the bathroom. To be honest Geoffrey, you’ve already shown us that you imagine things. How do you know that she is cheating?
Geoffrey: Maybe I imagined the voice. Also, my glasses where in the kitchen!
ALFRED: Great! So a friendly imaginary lover who knows you!
Geoffrey, Yes, but it’s not only that!
ALFRED: What else?
Geoffrey: my razor!
ALFRED: What about your razor?
Geoffrey: Well, I have to shave everyday because of this thick old white hair I have.
ALFRED: Ok...
Geoffrey: Well, usually I have to change my razor every 2 weeks. But, now it seems like I’m buying a new razor every week.
ALFRED: That could be anything. It could be your skin is more sensitive or the quality of the razors isn’t so good.
Geoffrey: I’m not finished.
ALFRED: Sorry, go ahead.
Geoffrey: Sometimes, I noticed black hairs on my razor. I haven’t had a black hair since 1945.
ALFRED: Right. Maybe your wife, Julie, I mean Pim is using it to shave her legs.
Geoffrey: I’ve seen her legs, she definitely doesn’t shave them. I don’t mind they keep me warm when we are on the sofa.
ALFRED: Interesting. Maybe she likes to shave her... you know...
Geoffrey: Her what?
ALFRED: You know, maybe she shaves her ‘thingy’.
Geoffrey: Her thingy? What are you talking about?
ALFRED: Please don’t make me say the word. I’m old and it embarrasses me.
Geoffrey: What word?
ALFRED: Her lady parts!
Geoffrey: Women shave their lady parts? That is amazing!
ALFRED: I was reading it in my wife’s gossip magazines. Young women these days shave their... lady parts. And your internet wife is young, right?
Geoffrey: Yes, she’s a very young lady, almost 60.
ALFRED: That is young. I remember when I was young and 60. Anyway, maybe she shaves down there.
Geoffrey: I will ask her.
ALFRED: You can’t just ask her.
Geoffrey: Why not? She’s my wife! I paid for her!
ALFRED: Yes, but you barely know her. You’ve never been naked together. What you could do is; take her out on a romantic date and when you get home, you might get lucky!
Geoffrey: Get lucky! You mean sexual relations? That would be amazing! I don’t even know if my little friend still works.
ALFRED: I’m sure it will, when you have a young 60 year old lady naked with you. I wish my wife was that young!
Geoffrey: I’ve heard about a magic blue pill for men our age. What is that? How many do I take?
ALFRED: I think it is best not to take any blue pills Geoffrey. I’m sure you’ll find away.
Geoffrey: I better go and book a restaurant. All the young kids are going to a fashionable new restaurant called The McDonalds. I’ll take her there, it sounds very posh! I’ll need a new suit. Can I borrow yours? I’m young again!
ALFRED: I think I’ll be bad and not tell him. At least we’ll have a new story for the next podcast. We’ll Geoffrey has left me alone in the shed again. I may be old, but I’m not talking to myself, so goodbye. Join us next time on Learn English with Two Old Men podcast.
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16 min
January 14, 2020 S1E13 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Lost 50% of My Body Weight
Learn English with Crazy Stories
She was addicted to food.
One day after an accident in the kitchen she realised that she had to do something to lose weight!
After trying many different diets, she found the ultimate way to lose weight!
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
I lost 50% of my body fat in 6 months.
By Sara Geanemen.
This may or may not be a true story.
I never believed in myself growing-up. I was always sad. At school, I was always last. I was always last being picked to play football. I was always last to finish lunch (although I was first at finishing everything, I even ate the paper napkins). That was 10 years ago.
It wasn’t until last year that I realized I was depressed and my obesity was a danger to my health. One day, I was in the kitchen as usual making desserts. I was actually making some strawberry jelly when I realized that it moved and wobbled in the same way as my belly. The jelly was me, I was the jelly. I was hungry, so I decided to eat it anyway. However, I had left last night’s Pizza box on the floor. I didn’t see it and I slipped and fell. The jelly fell.
The jelly hit the floor at the same time as me. It exploded like a bomb. The fat from my stomach hit the floor and exploded like a bomb too. That was the moment. I am the jelly. That jelly is me. It was time to do something about it.
I started to throw all the processed food out of the window in a fit of rage. These evil foods had been stopping me, stopping my life. After 30 minutes, I stopped. My cupboards were empty. My fridge was empty. Empty except for one thing; a bottle of a cold and transparent liquid that I had put in the fridge several years ago. I decided to try it. It tasted so refreshing. It was water, unfortunately, I had left the top off, so bacteria had entered and there was a layer of mould on the top. But I didn’t mind. That was my water. That was me being reborn. Although, I did spend the next few hours vomiting probably because of the bacteria that had grown around the top.
The next day, I looked out of my window to see where I had thrown all my old food when I realized that I live in a flat and have neighbours below me. They have a garden and dogs. Luckily, all the food was gone; it looked like their dogs had eaten it. Surely, eating so much processed food wouldn’t affect their dogs, would it?
I spent the next few weeks trying different exercises and different diets. But nothing worked. Nothing felt good for me. There must be another way to lose fat, mustn’t there?
One day, I was walking through the park and almost ready to give up when I saw a dog. It had three legs, so when it walked it had to hop with its only front leg. You would think that a dog with three legs would give up and rest a lot, but it was running. It was hopping and the dog was thin. This was my way to lose weight! I could be that dog!
So, I decided to become that dog, literally! I went to the fancy dress shop and I bought a dog outfit, complete with dog ears and a dog nose. I got home and put the outfit on. I wasn’t me anymore. I was a dog. I called myself Fido. When I wore that dog outfit I started to exercise. Unfortunately, my flat is quite small so I didn’t have enough room to exercise. Also, I got a few complaints from my neighbours below who thought an elephant was jumping around in my flat. I told them that elephants can’t jump, they went silent and I said sorry. At that point I realised that their dog had died. I have no idea why.
I needed space. I had to go public as Fido. It was time to exercise outside. I was worried that people would laugh at me. An overweight woman dressed as a dog doing exercise... I was right. People did laugh at me. But, I carried on. Also, I sweated a lot in the costume. Eventually, people didn’t want to come near me because of the smell. The dogs did. They usually came up to me to smell me. I was one of them. Fido was a real dog!
I would run around the park and behave like an excited dog. Although, once, people did call the police when I tried to go to the toilet under a tree.
Eventually, the kilos started to fly off my body. I was losing so much weight. I was beginning to be happy as a dog and as a human. I could look at myself in the mirror. After 6 months, I decided to go and get a medical check-up. I went to the vets dressed as Fido. At first, they refused to see me. But this was a private establishment and after showing them my money, the vet came and checked-me over. The only surprise is that he insisted on taking my temperature like a dog. He then told me that magic number that I had waited for; I had lost 50% of my body fat.
Since that day, I see myself as a beautiful woman. Although, I continue to dress as Fido twice a week. I then go and visit my neighbours downstairs and play in their garden. They do like having a dog in the garden again.
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9 min
January 07, 2020S1E12 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Healthy Geoffrey
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
Geoffrey always has his pockets filled with sweets, chocolate and biscuits. But today, he's arrived to record the podcast looking very hungry and with his pockets empty. Is Geoffrey finally starting to live a healthy lifestyle?
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Transcript*
Geoffrey: Hmm, what is this funny thing? It looks like a lollipop made out of a sponge! I wonder if I can eat it. It’s a shame that I’ve got no teeth! We’ll I might as well give it a suck.
ALFRED: Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Huh?
ALFRED: You’re not sucking on the microphone again are you?
Geoffrey: No! Well yes!
ALFRED: I’ve told you before that the equipment is not edible. Welcome to another episode of Learn English with Two Old Men, with me Alfred and my strange friend Geoffrey! Say hello Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Hello hungry Geoffrey!
ALFRED: ‘hello hungry Geoffrey’?
Geoffrey: Well, I’m a little hungry you see!
ALFRED: You? A little hungry? I don’t believe it!
Geoffrey: Yes! It’s true.
ALFRED: But you’ve always got about 5 packs of biscuits or sweets in your jacket pocket. You’re always eating! Go on get something to eat from your jacket pocket and we’ll pause the podcast.
Geoffrey: Podcast? What’s that?
ALFRED: Oh god, not again! Never mind! We’re just going to have a chat in front of these microphones, but please have a snack first.
Geoffrey: I can’t!
ALFRED: Has your elbow gone stiff again!
Geoffrey: No, no, no.
ALFRED: Well, why can’t you? Have you forgotten where the pockets are on your jacket?
Geoffrey: I know where the bloody pockets are on my jacket!
ALFRED: You want me to treat you as a baby again, don’t you? I suppose you want me to come round the table and feed you, don’t you?
Geoffrey: No, no, no! My elbow is working fine! I know where the pockets are on my jacket and I don’t want to be fed like a baby!
ALFRED: Well, what is it?
Geoffrey: I...
ALFRED: What?
Geoffrey: I’ve got no food, no sweets, and no biscuits on me!
ALFRED: Really? I don’t believe you! I’ve never seen you without biscuits and sweets in 40 years! You do remember what sweets are, don’t you?
Geoffrey: I’m not brain dead yet! I know what sweets are! But, really I have no snacks on me!
ALFRED: Wow, this is big news! Are you finally trying to get fit? Are you worried about being at deaths door and you’re trying to get one more year?
Geoffrey: Well it is related with my health.
ALFRED: Congratulations! This is great news! I will support you in your quest to become healthier! We can go for walks together, go to the gym. Sit down in the gym cafeteria and watch the ladies work out.
Geoffrey: Actually...
ALFRED: You haven’t come to my house in those 30 years because you always said that the healthy food cooked by my wife Mabel is as like rabbit food. I suppose that now, with your new lifestyle and healthier life you’ll want to come over and enjoy one of Mabel’s homemade healthy dinners! I’m so excited. When can we expect you?
Geoffrey: Never!
ALFRED: But, why? Is there another reason that you’ve never come over? Is it Mabel? I thought you liked Mabel. Do you not like my wife?
Geoffrey: I love Mabel! I was always jealous that you had someone like her! I used to be in love with her! I still am.
ALFRED: You still are? I thought that was over!
Geoffrey: Well I was still in love with Mabel, until recently that is.
ALFRED: Until recently? What has happened? Why don’t you want to come to our house?
Geoffrey: I told you before that I don’t like that rabbit food that you people call healthy! Why eat that just to live 5 more years of being old and unable to move, when you can eat sausages and eggs everyday and not have the experience of wetting your old man nappies that your daughter buys you!
ALFRED: You don’t have a daughter!
Geoffrey: Well I’m sure that there is a nurse somewhere that will make me wear nappies in a few years time.
ALFRED: You already wear nappies Geoffrey. I remember you told me that they feel comfortable and give you a bit of your youth back to you.
Geoffrey: That is true. But, I’m not going to waste my time eating rabbit food!
ALFRED: But, you want to get healthy, right?
Geoffrey: No! No, I don’t.
ALFRED: But why the healthy lifestyle choice.
Geoffrey: That is the problem! It wasn’t a choice! It wasn’t my choice!
ALFRED: Well whose choice was it?
Geoffrey: My wife! It was my wife!
ALFRED: You don’t have a wife Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Yes, I do. We’ve been married for a month. She’s already changing me! Changes for the worse!
ALFRED: Have you stopped taking your medicine again Geoffrey? An imaginary wife. Do you remember the last time that you stopped taking your medication. You thought that Charlie Chaplin was in your cupboards for a week!
Geoffrey: I’m still taking my medicine and Charlie Chaplin was in my cupboards! He said he was taking a holiday from the limelight, literally. He needed somewhere dark to stay. He was a bit dirty though. He spilt motorbike oil everywhere in the cupboard.
ALFRED: Why do you have motorbike oil in your cupboard? Why am I even asking that?
Geoffrey: My wife is real!
ALFRED: Ok, where do you find her?
Geoffrey: Well I’ve been going to the library for the last year and learning about how to use an electric counting machine.
ALFRED: Do you mean a computer?
Geoffrey: Yes, one of those things! One day I was on the Giggle.
ALFRED: Google.
Geoffrey: I once heard about a man who got married to a Russian bride and they met on the computer wires.
ALFRED: You mean the internet.
Geoffrey: Yes, on the internet! So, I decided to investigate. Unfortunately, no Russian women wanted to marry me. They said I looked too much like a woman.
ALFRED: Like a woman? You look nothing like a woman.
Geoffrey: Well, you see, I had to upload a profile photo. I wanted a photo where I looked young, so I decided to look for and use a photo from my days in the army.
ALFRED: That sounds like the opposite of looking like a woman!
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. But the only photo I could find of myself was from the army’s 1947 Christmas talent show.
ALFRED: The 1947 Christmas talent show. What was your act?
Geoffrey: I dressed up as the World War 2 babe, Vera Lynn and sang We’ll meet again!
ALFRED: Oh dear! So, now there are a hundred Russian women who think you are a 1940’s drag queen!
Geoffrey: Well, I eventually changed it and started to look at brides from other countries. It was then when I got a message from an attractive Philippine woman called Pim.
ALFRED: I’m gobsmacked! You can use a computer!
Geoffrey: Yes. We eventually started to exchange internet telegrams
ALFRED: You mean email.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. She was immediately interested in coming over and being my wife. Well, after I started to send her money every week.
ALFRED: Oh no!
Geoffrey: After, a few months, I bought her some plane tickets.
ALFRED: and she came? I thought it was going to be another internet scam.
Geoffrey: Yes, she came after I agreed to give her own credit card.
ALFRED: Oh dear!
Geoffrey: We met in the airport. She didn’t look like her photos.
ALFRED: She didn’t!?
Geoffrey: She looked 10 years older and a few kilos wider. But, I didn’t mind. Pim was here for me.
ALFRED: But, this was just over a month ago and now you are married.
Geoffrey: She was desperate to get married as quick as possible. It must be because she fell in love with me so quickly.
ALFRED: I see where this story is going to end. I’ll stay positive for the meantime.
Geoffrey: We got married a month ago. I love her, but..
ALFRED: But what?
Geoffrey: Well, I still haven’t seen her ..
ALFRED: her what?
Geoffrey: I haven’t seen her naked yet. I wouldn’t mind normally, I only really wanted to have someone to accompany me in life.
ALFRED: So, what is the issue?
Geoffrey: She calls me fat!
ALFRED: Well it is true.
Geoffrey: and she’s taken away all my biscuits! I’m now only allowed to have one biscuit a day. Otherwise it is bananas and other fruit. I’m not carrying fruit around with me in my pocket. The last time I did, I forgot that I had strawberries in my pocked for a month.
ALFRED: I remember! You had not just a fly infestation; you had a whole ecosystem of insects in your jacket. I remember that we decided to bury the jacket in your garden.
Geoffrey: Yes, you should see it now. A whole variety of plants has grown where we buried it!
ALFRED: Amazing! Anyway, you should be pleased that she is (so far) having a good effect on your life.
Geoffrey: No-one messes with my biscuits. Can I hide my biscuits in this room?
ALFRED: You do know that this is not actually a recording studio, don’t you?
Geoffrey: Really?
ALFRED: Yes, it’s my shed in the garden.
Geoffrey: I was wondering why you had plant pots for seats. Maybe I can hide my biscuits here.
ALFRED: Geoffrey, you are not hiding your biscuits in my plant pots!
Geoffrey: Please?
ALFRED: No Geoffrey!
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16 min
December 31, 2019 S1E11 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I Became Elton John
Learn English with Crazy Stories
She didn't feel like a beautiful woman.
But one day she find who she was supposed to be.
Find out in today's Learn English with Crazy Stories!
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
I grew up with people always calling me beautiful. I had long black hair, big legs and an hour-glass figure. People called me beautiful, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel like that sexy young lady that looked back at me in the mirror. I wanted to be someone else.
I was sad in high-school, guys tried to chat me up but I kept to myself, lunch by myself, I even danced with myself at the end of year dance. I noticed guys where looking at me in that dress all night. But I just wanted to get it off, but not for sexual reasons.
When I was 16 I discovered men’s wigs. Wigs for men who are going bald. I thought they were really cool. So, one day, I skipped school and went to town. I bought a toupee with my pocket money. It was little, but that didn’t matter, I just wanted to get home and wear it, but I couldn’t, my brother was home. So I hid it under my bed and waited.
It was hard waiting for the moment to be alone and try on that wig, but eventually it came. It was a Saturday, my mother took my brother to a football game and I decided that was my moment to wear the wig. I slowly removed it from the box, I felt nervous. I then put it on. In that moment, I had begun to discover who I was.
I eventually got the confidence to wear it in front of my family and at school. People didn’t understand and thought it was just a phase. But, I kept that wig on. Unfortunately, I was bullied because of it. One day, I was walking home when some girls attacked me. They left me on the ground crying. I needed someone. I then looked up and saw an angel, a face, the face. It was a poster on the wall with a face looking down at me. I read the writing under the picture. it said, “Elton John”. I felt that I was looking into a mirror of my own future. I wanted to be him, the angel who helped me.
Over the next few years I started to dress like him, long suits with bright colours and shiny parts. My family thought I was a lesbian.
My mother eventually asked me if I was a lesbian. I told her that I wasn’t. She was relieved...for a moment. I then told her I want to be Elton John. She said it was ok if I wanted to dress like Elton John, it is only fashion. She didn’t understand. I then told her again that I wanted to BE Elton John. It took her some time to understand, but she’s always been there for me.
Since then, the transformation has progressed from fashion to physical changes. I’ve cut my hair off at the back and the top and wear an old man’s wig. I’ve had a breast reduction. I’ve even been to South-East Asia to get my legs shortened with surgery.
The best part is that I can eat a lot as I want to have the same size tummy as him. I don’t think of myself as a boy or girl anymore, I think of myself as an Elton John angel.
Sometimes, people make comments and do insult me. But, I know that when I look in the mirror that rocket man is there, looking back at me to help me feel good again.
What is the next stage? I would like to learn how to play the piano.
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8 min
December 26, 2019 S1E9 - Alternative English Speaking Exams: 1
Episode Notes
This is a pretend speaking Exam just for fun.
Some of the questions are of an adult nature, so if you are offended easily, please don't listen. :-)
Pause the audio after each questions and try to answer the questions.
Record yourself and review your answer.
If you want I can give you feedback on your answers here:
https://www.fiverr.com/share/6Y951A
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
or via the tip jar.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
2 min
December 24, 2019 S1E10 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Geoffrey's New Friend
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
Geoffrey arrives with another story that may sound crazy for others, but is perfectly normal for him
Another funny story from the two old men for learners of the English language.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
How to use
See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Alfred: Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men. Hey Geoffrey, you look very upbeat today. I imagine you’ve had a good week for once?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ve had a lovely week. Do you know what?
Alfred: What?
Geoffrey: I’ve got a new friend! That is incredible at my age! I’m used to losing and burying my friends. I’m certainly not used to making new friends. To be honest, I’ve been expecting to bury you for the last couple of years. You don’t look so good!
Alfred: Thank you Geoffrey, that is the nicest thing you’ve said to me. Anyway, back to your friend.
Geoffrey: Yes, my friend.
Alfred: It is a person, it isn’t?
Geoffrey: Yes, of course it’s a person.
Alfred: A real one? Not an imaginary one like last time
Geoffrey: Yes, my friend is a real person.
Alfred: They are alive, aren’t they?
Geoffrey: Yes, believe me; I have a real alive friend who is a person! Incredible!
Alfred: Wow, this is new. Can you tell me a bit about your friend, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Well, her name is Angela. She’s a mature woman of our age.
Alfred: Your age? You are older than me, remember.
Geoffrey: I may be older, but I do have the body of a 60 year old. I still skateboard sometimes. Anyway, I met her in the most peculiar way.
Alfred: Let me guess! Were you chasing a fox out of your garden and then accidently bumped into her?
Geoffrey: Chasing a fox out of my garden? Don’t be ridiculous!
Alfred: He needs help! Ok. Did you accidently confuse the supermarket with the hospital and she was a patient there?
Geoffrey: What? Your suggestions are getting even crazier all the time. How could possible I confuse a supermarket with a hospital?
Alfred: I give up!
Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll tell you. I was going on a walk to the park. You see, I love to feed the ducks! They come over and I talk to them. I tell them about my day. However, if the big geese come over, I run away.
Alfred: You are a man of the animals!
Geoffrey: Yes! Yes! So, I was feeding the ducks when I saw a big swan come over to me.
Alfred: Swans are beautiful!
Geoffrey: So, I thought to myself that I’d never seen a swan in this park before. It was really big one too! But do you know what the strangest thing was?
Alfred: What was that Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: While I was throwing bread into its mouth, I realised it was not eating the bread. The swan was getting angrier by the moment and jumping around. Then, I thought I heard something.
Alfred: What did you think you heard?
Geoffrey: I was sure that I heard it say stop! I thought I had gone mad!
Alfred: One day you will realize that you are crazy!
Geoffrey: Crazy! Yes, yes. Well, wait till you hear this next bit of the story.
Alfred: Ok. Go ahead.
Geoffrey: Then, I heard the swan speak again! It said “stop doing that and come and help me!”
Alfred: It spoke to you?
Geoffrey: Yes, At first, I tried to ignore it. I thought maybe I had taken my wife’s pills this morning instead of mine. Then I remembered that I don’t have a wife.
Alfred: Déjà-vu.
Geoffrey: Déjà-what?
Alfred: I’m sure that this is not the first time that you’ve said that.
Geoffrey: Err, OK. So, I checked my pills in my coat pocket and I had taken the right pills. So, I decided to not look at the swan and continue to throw bread to the ducks. But the ducks! They were scared of the swan. Then the worst thing happened, the swan spoke again. It said “Stop throwing bread at those bloody ducks and help me”
Alfred: The swan was really speaking to you! That’s incredible.
Geoffrey: Yes. I couldn’t ignore it anymore! I had to respond. The voice wouldn’t go away. So, I asked it what it wanted.
Alfred: I still think this is his crazy imagination. So, Geoffrey, what did it want?
Geoffrey: It said in a most beautiful and feminine voice that it was stuck in the pond and couldn’t get out.
Alfred: The speaking bird wanted to get out of the pond, did it?
Geoffrey: Yes, so I said that I could be arrested by the Police for taking an animal out of the park.
Alfred: What did this imaginary speaking, sorry, I mean this speaking bird say to you?
Geoffrey: It said “I may be old and have a lot of hair all over my body, but please don’t call me an animal!”. So, I responded “But you are animal!”. The swan then said “Well, there’s no need to insult me!”
Alfred: Ok, so now you are having a fight with a talking bird!
Geoffrey: Yes, that’s what I thought. However, I then realized that I had taken my glasses off to feed the ducks.
Alfred: Why do you take your glasses off to feed the ducks?
Geoffrey: Because I want them to see me as an equal.
Alfred: That makes no sense.
Geoffrey: So, I took my glasses out of my coat pocket and put them on. When I looked up, I realized that the swan was even bigger than I thought. In fact, it was so big that I realized it wasn’t a swan.
Alfred: What was it?
Geoffrey: It was a very wet woman, who was now surrounded by bits of dirty old bread.
Alfred: A woman in the pond. What was she doing there?
Geoffrey: That is what I asked her. She said that she was feeding the ducks and then she thought she heard a duck speaking. So, she went close to the side of the pond and fell in.
Alfred: Poor woman! So, I imagine she couldn’t get out.
Geoffrey: No, the sides of the pond are quite high. She had been waiting there for an hour. So, I tried to rescue her.
Alfred: You rescued her! You are a hero.
Geoffrey: Well, no I didn’t manage to rescue her!
Alfred: No? What happened?
Geoffrey: I had one hand holding her and the other hand holding a branch of a tree. Then the branch broke. We both fell right in. Now, we were both stuck!
Alfred: Poor guy! I suppose someone else rescued you both. At least you made a friend in that pond with the wet woman.
Geoffrey: No, I didn’t make friends with her. She was crazy! Did you not hear me! She said she heard the ducks speaking to her! How strange! When the ambulance arrived, I gave her a fake name and a fake number and I ran away.
Alfred: You ran away at your age!?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, I walked away quickly!
Alfred: What about your new friend.
Geoffrey: Well, to warm up I went to a café to have a nice cuppa and a biscuit. Unfortunately, when I went to pay, I realized that my money was all wet. I couldn’t pay.
Alfred: Oh dear! Your clothes were also still wet.
Geoffrey: Yes, a lady in the corner saw me. She must have felt sorry for me. SO, she offered to pay for my tea and biscuit and then she gave me her coat. It was so lovely of her.
Alfred: This was Angela, wasn’t it?
Geoffrey: Yes, we spent 2 hours talking next to the radiator. We had nothing in common.
Alfred: I don’t think anyone has anything in common with you. Maybe Mr Bean.
Geoffrey: Thank you for calling me funny! So, I asked her if she wanted to meet for a cuppa another day. She said yes. So, I gave her my real name and my telephone number.
Alfred: Geoffrey..
Geoffrey: It is surprising that she hasn’t called me yet!
Alfred: Geoffrey...
Geoffrey: She must be shy.
Alfred: Geoffrey
Geoffrey: Yes!
Alfred: you don’t have a telephone. Do you remember, you thought the government were spying on your with it.
Geoffrey: Ah yes! I mean, oh no! I’ll never find her again!
Alfred: Maybe go back to that café and see if she is there.
Geoffrey: Great idea! Bye-bye!
Alfred: You’re going now?!
Geoffrey: Yes, bye!
Alfred: Run, Geoffrey, Run.
Geoffrey: Angela!
Alfred: Well, Geoffrey’s gone. He’s left his glasses, so he’ll be back. That is the end of today’s episode. Thank you for listening. One day, we’ll have a normal story. One day..
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12 min
December 19, 2019 S1E7 - Alternative English Speaking Exams: 1
Episode Notes
This is a pretend speaking Exam just for fun.
Some of the questions are of an adult nature, so if you are offended easily, please don't listen. :-)
Pause the audio after each questions and try to answer the questions.
Record yourself and review your answer.
If you want I can give you feedback on your answers here:
https://www.fiverr.com/share/6Y951A
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
or via the tip jar.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
3 min

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