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December 17, 2019 S1E6 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I was Sold for a Camel
Learn English with Crazy Stories
She wanted to enjoy her holiday with her husband.
He had other ideas...
Find out in today's Learn English with Crazy Stories!
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
It’s taken me a long time to get to this moment. A long time to be able to get to a computer to tell my story. It’s taken a long time to be able to tell my story. The story of when I was sold for some camels. A life I didn’t accept out of choice. But, now I’m ready...
I was happy in my twenties and mostly single. That changed when I met him, Jason. At first, the relationship started great. It was the type of love that you dream of. The type of love that you see in the movies. However, cracks started to appear when Jason got a big promotion in the city. He would arrive home every night stressed and would go straight to bed, we wouldn’t kiss or hug. My relationship was more like a relationship with a fish. You could see it sometimes, but couldn’t touch. If I did touch it, it would get angry and want to be left alone.
I knew that Jason didn’t want this life. I didn’t blame him. He was just stressed, that’s all. I knew... well, I thought that he still loved me. On the few occasions that we did speak, he talked about wanting to leave the rat-race and have a more simpler life, he often mentioned having a farm and looking after animals. I thought he was joking. I thought he just needed time and he would eventually get a better job in the city where he could have more free time. I was wrong.
I decided that we needed a holiday to try and save our relationship, for us to show each other that we still loved each other, to show each other that there was something alive below the stress.
I’ve always wanted to travel to North Africa, places like Tunisia and Morocco. The culture has always fascinated me whenever I’d seen it in the movies. So, one day I went online and just booked it. A two week holiday travelling around those countries. Jason, didn’t really want to go, he said he had too much work and preferred somewhere slower, like Southern Europe. I couldn’t cancel the tickets, so we decided to go anyway.
All was going well, at first... We didn’t speak on the plane, but it was better than arguing. The hotel was beautiful; we enjoyed a relaxing first few days. I was waiting for Jason to finish a work call one day, when I noticed a leaflet on the hotel counter for camel rides. Camels look so cute! Their big eyes and funny humps. I booked it!
Jason didn’t want to go at first, but after I told him that we would be alone and free in the dessert and would be able to do anything we wanted, his eyes lit up.
The camels weren’t as nice as I hoped. They smelt really bad, kept making strange noises and seemed to need to go to the bathroom every minute, usually right in front of you! Jason looked happy for once. Half-way on the trip, we were taking a break in a small deserted village. Jason whispered to me and told me to come with him quietly. I thought, finally, the old Jason is coming back to me; he wants to do something sexy behind those old buildings. I was wrong.
He told me to not look and turn around, so, I turned around hoping he would surprise me from behind. But, then I heard something. So, I looked and it was Jason holding an axe! He was going to kill me! Luckily, he couldn’t do it. He started crying and saying he was sorry. I didn’t know what to think, so we decided to go back to the hotel.
Jason went to pay the camel owners. He seemed to stay there talking with them a long time. They kept looking at me. I was worried. Eventually, Jason came over and said “goodbye”. I responded by saying that while the relationship is over we still will be on the same flight back to the UK. He then said that he would be travelling alone. I will never forget the way he then explained that he had sold me to the camel owner. I couldn’t believe it! I’d be sold for some camels! I ran to the hotel and asked them to call the police. They did. The police arrived and talked to the hotel translator and to the camel owner. They told me that the camel owner had a contract signed by my husband and I was now the property of the camel owner. There was no escape! My life was coming to an end, or so I thought.
Five years later, I’m still with Dagreb, the camel owner. He’s a bit older than I’m used to. But I’m happy being looked after. Also, Dagreb speaks to me, I still don’t understand a word he says, but it sounds nice. The only issue is that Dagreb has bought some new camels. I wish I could tell him that they can’t sleep in the bedroom. I have to mop the floor every day!
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10 min
December 10, 2019S1E5 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Geoffrey's Shoes
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
Geoffrey is always losing things, but not his shoes!
Another funny story from the two old men.
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How to use
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TRANSCRIPT
ALFRED: Hello everyone. It’s me Alfred. I’m here alone and I’m still waiting for Geoffrey to arrive. He’s getting old. To be honest this podcast is good for him, it gets him out of the house, it gives him purpose and it also stops him talking to the trees. At least he can talk and think someone is listening. I’m not. Hmm. Is there anyone listening? Are you our 1 listener?
(knock)
ALFRED: Come in.
Geoffrey: Yes, hello!
ALFRED: You don’t need to knock Geoffrey. You are one of the presenters on this show. This is your office too.
Geoffrey: Yes, thank you. I always knock first before I enter.
ALFRED:Why is that?
Geoffrey: It’s because sometimes I get confused where I am. The last time I didn’t knock, I accidently walked in on a mother giving birth to a baby. Can you imagine! The shock of an old man walking in during her labour really helped that baby shoot out! They say it was one of the quickest births they’ve ever had!
ALFRED: What were you doing in the hospital?
Geoffrey: Well, I don’t know. I didn’t even want to go to the hospital. I thought it was the supermarket. At least, I got some free food out of the experience.
ALFRED: Free food? From the hospital?
Geoffrey: Yes, they left all these trays of cooked dinners just lying about in the corridors.
ALFRED: oh dear.
Geoffrey: I thought, why let all this food go to waste?
ALFRED: Geoffrey, you do know that that food is for the patients, don’t you?
Geoffrey: Oh no! Really?
ALFRED: Yes.
Geoffrey: But why leave it in the hospital corridors? That sounds like a silly place to keep food.
ALFRED: Nurses are very busy.
Geoffrey: Well, I’ll donate some money to the hospital to make up for it.
ALFRED: You don’t have any money spare from that small pension.
Geoffrey: Yes, that’s right. Well, I’ll go sing to the patients.
ALFRED: I don’t think the patients need any more shocks Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Oh!
ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey, why are you late today?
Geoffrey: Well, it’s bit embarrassing you see.
ALFRED: Don’t worry; we’ve only got one listener. I’m sure they won’t tell anyone. Will you?
Geoffrey: Yes. We only have one listener!
ALFRED: Yes, just the one. Maybe I can help you Geoffrey, although I think in some areas you are way past help.
Geoffrey: Yes, well thank you. I suppose so. If you look at my feet, you’ll see that I’m wearing my slippers.
ALFRED: Ah, yes, you are. But don’t you usually wear your slippers?
Geoffrey: Yes, I do, but not in the street. I usually wear shoes in the street. That is, except for the days that I forgot to put my slippers on.
ALFRED: Which is basically most weeks, isn’t it!
Geoffrey: Yes, I suppose itis quite common, but this time, I didn’t forget.
ALFRED: Ok, I’m sure this story can get more interesting! Oh, I hope so! Why don’t you start at the beginning?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. It all started last night when I was watching the TV.
ALFRED: What sort of things do you watch? I imagine you like wildlife documentaries and programmes about antiques like me, don’t you?
Geoffrey: No, actually. I was watching a reality TV show about an American pop star. They follow her around in her life. To be honest, I only watch it because women my age wear so many layers of clothes, that sometimes you think they must living in a wardrobe.
ALFRED: Hahaha. Well, I suppose people our age feel the cold more. You are no spring chicken yourself, Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Yes, I suppose not. Anyway, I was watching TV when I heard a strange sound in the garden. So, I put my shoes on and went to investigate. It was dark and in the corner of the garden I saw a fox, and I’m not talking about my wife!
ALFRED: You still call your wife a fox which means sexy.
Geoffrey: Yes, it’s good to be sexy sometimes at our age.
ALFRED: Wait, you don’t have a wife!
Geoffrey: Yes, that true. But, I can still have fantasies!
ALFRED: Anyway, what did you do with it?
Geoffrey: My fantasy wife?
ALFRED: No, the fox.
Geoffrey: Oh yes, I decided to chase it out of the garden. We got into a bit of a fight and the fox won!
ALFRED: The fox won!?
Geoffrey: Yes, the fox won.
ALFRED: Wow, what can I do with this man? So, what happened with your shoes?
Geoffrey: Well, because the fox won, I had to spend the night outside.
ALFRED: The fox won! Did it lock you out of the house?
Geoffrey: Please! Don’t be ridiculous! This is a serious story!
ALFRED: Ah, sorry
Geoffrey: You see I had chased the fox quite a long way and I was too tired to find my way back home. So, I found a nice rubbish bin which was warm. So, I settled down and went to sleep.
ALFRED: It must have smelt bad!
Geoffrey: Yes, a little, but at our age you can sleep anywhere!
ALFRED: Well, I don’t think I could sleep in a bin!
Geoffrey: You have slept on my couch before and that does smell similar!
ALFRED: Yes, I remember. I was surprised about the amount of things you’d lost down the back of the sofa. I remember finding, money, old socks and about 20 pairs of glasses.
Geoffrey: Yes, I’m always losing my glasses, so I thought why not buy 50 pairs of glasses and then when I lose them, I don’t have to get stressed looking for them. I just put on a new pair. The only problem, is that sometimes I don’t remember where I put the boxes of new glasses.
ALFRED: So, back to the story. You slept in a bin! Did the fox take your shoes?
Geoffrey: Don’t be silly! You do have the most ridiculous ideas Alfred! So, when I woke-up, I needed to go to the bathroom. I saw a tree that I could use as the toilet. However, it was quite windy. So, I decided to take my shoes off.
ALFRED: What have your shoes got to do with the wind?
Geoffrey: I didn’t want to get them wet when I went to the bathroom.
ALFRED: Oh, I’m surprised that they let you live alone!
Geoffrey: Yes, so am I! I left my shoes next to the bin and went to the bathroom behind the tree.
ALFRED: Ok...
Geoffrey: However, when I was behind the tree, I heard a truck coming up the road. I had drank quite a lot the previous night and I was taking a long time to finish.
ALFRED: Right.
Geoffrey: When I got back, I saw the rubbish truck leaving the street. They had taken all the rubbish from the bins.
ALFRED: I see.
Geoffrey: They had emptied the bin I was sleeping in and taken everything, including my shoes!
ALFRED: You do know that this could only happen to you Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Yes, I don’t know why these situations usually happen to me.
ALFRED: Anyway, do you need me to take you to the shoe shop?
Geoffrey: Thanks but no. I’ve already lost all my dignity, so, I might as well keep my slippers on all the time! They are ever so comfy!
ALFRED: Wow. I guess we don’t need to record a podcast! With your stories of the previous nights, I don’t need to plan the podcast. I just have to ask you how was your day!
Geoffrey: Yes! Can I go now? My show starts at 7pm and I don’t want to miss the last bus!
ALFRED: Sure, say goodbye.
Geoffrey: Ok, goodbye Geoffrey!
ALFRED: You’re Geoffrey! Anyway, goodbye everyone!
Geoffrey: Goodbye!
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11 min
December 03, 2019 S1E4 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - I had a Baby in Burger King!
Learn English with Crazy Stories
She chose to give birth to her baby in Burger King!
Why did she come to this decision?
Find out in today's Learn English with Crazy Stories!
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Every day when I go home, my husband is somewhere else in the flat. He is something else. I can’t even have a conversation with him. He wants to be an object not a person.
We used to be a very normal couple. We’d visit normal restaurants, watch normal TV. But 6 years ago, we got new neighbours, Rach and Kye. They were a young couple, very nice but also very cool. We pride ourselves on being good neighbours, so we decided to go and introduce ourselves to them. Over the course of the next few months we became friends.
We don’t usually go out late, but Rach and Kye invited us to go and check out a trendy new bar in the city. It sounded adventurous... We thought that maybe this is what our relationship needed. Currently, our idea of adventure was ordering slightly spicy sauce with a take-away Indian dinner. How was I to know that this experience would change my husband, Bernard, forever.
It was a big modern bar. You had to wear formal clothes to go in. On the inside, there were performers all around. Some were dancing and some others were pretending to be statues. We ordered some drinks, found a free table and sofa and went to sit down.
When Bernard put his drink on the table, I heard a little ‘ohh’. I thought it was Bernard. He does get excited at the strangest moments. But it wasn’t Bernard. It was the table. It then asked me to move the drink. It was at that moment we realised the table was a person. They employed people to be tables in the bar. Bernard was memorized! He couldn’t stop looking at the table! I thought it was funny, laughed and later we went home.
Little did I know that this was the start of something big! Bernard likes to make silly jokes sometimes, like the time he pretended there was an invisible monkey in the kitchen. One day after work, I found him naked on the floor. On top of his body was our dinner. The pasta was on his tummy, the carrots were on his chest and I bet you can guess where the onion rings were! Haha
I was a little shocked, but I thought it is a silly joke for one night only. So, I ate my dinner. Later I made him have a shower. I thought that was the end of it. But, no!
Every day I would get home from work and he would be lying on the floor with the dinner on top of his body. I tried to ask him to stop, but when he is a table he doesn’t speak. So, I just accept it and eat my dinner.
This continued happening until the sausage incident 4 years ago, when I accidently tried to eat the wrong sausage with my fork. He still has the same 4 teeth marks in his man vegetable.
However, the sausage incident didn’t stop him. Now, he likes to dress as different furniture. Sometimes, he is a chair and I have to sit on him. He has even created a cover for himself so that he looks more like a chair. It’s made of leather. Although, he did faint once in the summer from the heat.
Nowadays, when I get home, I don’t know what piece of furniture he is going to be. Sometimes he is the bookshelf and I have to put books on him. He makes me place them on him in alphabetical order.
People think it is strange when I tell them about it. Especially, the part about the fact that we don’t speak when he is pretending to be a piece of furniture. To be honest, it did bother me at first, but now I don’t mind. We used to argue a lot. But, I have learned to enjoy the peace and quiet after a long days work. At the same time, I don’t feel alone because I know he is there, whether he is the table for my cup of tea, the sofa for me to sit on or an umbrella stand, though I have to remember to put the umbrella in the right way.
I hope you enjoyed the story.
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8 min
November 28, 2019S1E3 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Hospital
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
One of the two old men has been in the hospital.
The other one just doesn't listen.
A typical day for the two old men.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
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How to use
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
TRANSCRIPT
Geoffrey: Hello? Is there anyone out there!
ALFRED: Hi Geoffrey. Who are you talking to?
Geoffrey: Our one listener.
ALFRED: OK, Anyway, sorry, I’m late. I’ve been in hospital at the weekend.
Geoffrey: Yes, I thought there was something wrong when you didn’t answer your phone. I’ve been calling all weekend.
ALFRED: But, when I got home I checked my answering machine and I had no new messages.
Geoffrey: No, I called the other number. , I called your mobile phone.
Geoffrey: No: I don’t have a mobile phone.
Geoffrey: Well, I thought it was strange you were speaking with a woman’s voice. And then you asked me for fun time.
ALFRED: Also, I was in the hospital.
Geoffrey: Well, let me tell you about my friend Maurine, she told me the most hilarious thing.
ALFRED: Ah, I do know Maurine. She’s the lady who makes cakes for the village fare, isn’t she?
Geoffrey: no, no. Yes! That’s Maurine!
ALFRED: Absolutely delicious cakes! But, no matter how much I ask her about the recipe, she won’t tell me what the secret ingredient is.
Geoffrey: Oh! I’ve seen all the ingredients in those cakes.
ALFRED: Really? What is the secret ingredient? Please tell me Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Do you really like those cakes?
ALFRED: Yes, Geoffrey. They are the best cakes I’ve ever had.
Geoffrey: Yes, Well, it is better if I don’t tell you then.
ALFRED: Oh! I better drink to forget this conversation.
Geoffrey: I would drink if I knew what was in those cakes.
ALFRED: That bad is it?
Geoffrey: Yes, yes!
ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey. Tell me the story about Maurine.
Geoffrey: Well, do you remember that I told you that my neighbour died.
ALFRED: Hmm. My memory is quite bad.
Geoffrey: He died from a fall.
ALFRED: Ah, really? How terrible!
Geoffrey: Well, he was in a tree, trying to save his pet cat. And then the branch broke and he fell, very sad.
ALFRED: Yes, it is. Such a tragic way to go!
Geoffrey: The funniest thing is, that he didn’t even have a cat.
ALFRED: Oh, right? But, how did you know he was trying to save his cat then?
Geoffrey: He had a can of tuna in is hand.
ALFRED: Ah, makes sense!
Geoffrey: Well, their family eventually sold the house.
And now, I’ve got new neighbours.
ALFRED: Really, have you met them?
Geoffrey: Yes. Their names are Paul, Jarrod and a baby called Sheila.
ALFRED: Ah they sound lovely.
Geoffrey: Well, I don’t understand. Which one is the dad? Where is the mother?
ALFRED: Well, Geoffrey, probably...
Geoffrey: They must be brothers, right?
ALFRED: I think they are both the dads.
Geoffrey: But, they are two men.
ALFRED: Yes, in a relationship.
Geoffrey: Two brothers together? That is disgusting.
ALFRED: No, they are not brothers. They’re..
Geoffrey: They must be students!
ALFRED: I think they are just partners and their daughter.
Geoffrey: Really? That’s amazing! But, where did they get the baby from?
ALFRED: Geoffrey, this is the 21st century. There are many options for young couples.
Geoffrey: I think I saw a film about that once.
ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey, please can you tell me the story about Maurine!
Geoffrey: Ah yes, Maurine. Well, do you know she had a hip replacement?
ALFRED: I thought she was walking funny.
Geoffrey: Well, no more! I’ll tell you something. Are you listening?
ALFRED: Yes, I’m still listening Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: When it’s teatime at the day centre, it feels like the Olympics. Maurine, she can run from her TV chair to the tea lady in less than 9 seconds. Although, some people say that when I count, I forget I’ve said number 5 and I repeat 6 or 7 times., number 5 and I repeat 6 or 7 times. The number...
ALFRED: Yes Geoffrey!
Well, that is great news Geoffrey! Well done Maurine. It must be great to get her mobility back!
Geoffrey: Well, yes. But, I’m not happy.
ALFRED: Why not?
Geoffrey: She gets to the cups of tea first! She always takes the best biscuits!
ALFRED: Geoffrey! You and your biscuits!
Geoffrey: I do love my biscuits.
ALFRED: Well, she is doing you a favour! She is helping you cut down on biscuits. They are not healthy for you!
Geoffrey: What a load of rubbish! I’ve been eating a packet of biscuits every day for the last 30 years and there is nothing wrong with me. Well except for my arthritis.
ALFRED: And your cholesterol.
Geoffrey: Except for my arthritis and my cholesterol, there’s nothing wrong with me!
ALFRED: And your eyesight
Geoffrey: Ok, except for my arthritis, cholesterol and my eyesight, I’m fine!
ALFRED: Hmmm...
Geoffrey: What?
ALFRED: And to be honest your memory isn’t great these days...
Geoffrey: It’s fine! There’s nothing wrong with me except for my arthritis, ... and errr...the other things. I’m like a bull.
ALFRED: Like a bull in a china shop.
Geoffrey: Hmm! Anyway. What where we speaking about?
ALFRED: Well, I was going to tell you why I was in the hospital. But, you started talking about Maurine.
Geoffrey: Ah! Maurine! Well, with her hip replacement she’s become a lot more active, going for long walks along the river. She’s even tried some extreme sports.
ALFRED: Extreme sports? Really? Like what?
Geoffrey: Well, she went bungee-jumping!
ALFRED: Bungee-jumping, incredible!
ALFRED: Geoffrey. That is not very nice.
Geoffrey: Well, it is true. Anyway, did you want to tell me something?
ALFRED: Finally! I was in the hospital at the weekend.
Geoffrey: Really, why didn’t you tell me?
ALFRED: Can’t you even remember the beginning of this podcast?
Geoffrey: Podcast? What is that?
ALFRED: Oh! What we are doing now. You really do have the memory of a fish.
Geoffrey: So, you went to hospital. Why did you do that?
ALFRED: Well, I was walking along the beach with my ice-cream and I nearly tripped over a rock. The ice-cream went all over my face.
Geoffrey: You went to the hospital because you NEARLY tripped over a rock?
ALFRED: No. I haven’t finished the story.
Geoffrey: Ah ok. Go ahead.
ALFRED: Well after cleaning the ice-cream off my face and feeling a little disappointed, I continued walking. I then saw something in the distance. Something was in the sea! It looked like a child!
Geoffrey: What did you do?
ALFRED: I jumped into the water and started swimming towards the child. But, no matter how far I swam I didn’t get any closer. I then began to tire and I started to panic.
Geoffrey: That sounds horrible!
ALFRED: Yes, luckily a young couple saw me and swam out to save me.
Geoffrey: But the child?
ALFRED: Yes. They gave me a blanket and called the ambulance. When they were putting me in the ambulance I saw the same child in the sky. Flying!
Geoffrey: Flying? This wasn’t a dream, was it?
ALFRED: Oh no! This is real. I asked the medics if they could see the child flying in the sky. They said no.
Geoffrey: You were imagining the child.
ALFRED: No, I could definitely see it.
Geoffrey: Was it a ghost? Or have you finally gone crazy?
ALFRED: No, I then took off my glasses as I felt sleepy and the child disappeared. I couldn’t see him anymore.
Geoffrey: What?
ALFRED: I looked at my glasses and realised that I had some strawberry ice-cream on the lenses.
Geoffrey: Oh dear! You are getting as bad as me!
ALFRED: I hope not!
G: Anyway, did I tell you the story about Maurine?
ALFRED: Oh god! Not again!
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13 min
November 26, 2019 S1E2 - Learn English with Crazy Stories - My Husband Dresses as the Furniture
Learn English with Crazy Stories
They had a boring life. But that changed one night.
Now, all he wants to do, is be the furniture.
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript
Every day when I go home, my husband is somewhere else in the flat. He is something else. I can’t even have a conversation with him. He wants to be an object not a person.
We used to be a very normal couple. We’d visit normal restaurants, watch normal TV. But 6 years ago, we got new neighbours, Rach and Kye. They were a young couple, very nice but also very cool. We pride ourselves on being good neighbours, so we decided to go and introduce ourselves to them. Over the course of the next few months we became friends.
We don’t usually go out late, but Rach and Kye invited us to go and check out a trendy new bar in the city. It sounded adventurous.. We thought that maybe this is what our relationship needed. Currently, our idea of adventure was ordering slightly spicy sauce with a take-away Indian dinner. How was I to know that this experience would change my husband, Bernard forever.
It was a big modern bar, you had to wear formal clothes to go in. On the inside, there were performers all around. Some were dancing and some others were pretending to be statues. We ordered some drinks, found a free table and sofa and went to sit down.
When Bernard put his drink on the table, I heard a little ‘ohh’. I thought it was Bernard, he does get excited at the strangest moments. But it wasn’t Bernard. It was the table. It then asked me to move the drink. It was at that moment we realised the table was a person. They employed people to be tables in the bar. Bernard was memorized! He couldn’t stop looking at the table! I thought it was funny, laughed and later we went home.
Little did I know that this was the start of something big. Bernard likes to make silly jokes sometimes, like the time he pretended there was an invisible monkey in the kitchen. One day after work, I found him naked on the floor, on top of his body was our dinner. The pasta was on his tummy, the carrots were on his chest and I bet you can guess where the onion rings were! Haha
I was a little shocked, but I thought it is a silly joke for one night only. So, I ate my dinner. Later I made him have a shower. I thought that was the end of it. But, no!
Every day I would get home from work and he would be lying on the floor with the dinner on top of his body. I tried to ask him to stop, but when he is a table he doesn’t speak. So, I just accept it and eat my dinner.
This continued happening until the sausage incident 4 years ago, when I accidently tried to eat the wrong sausage with my fork. He still has the same 4 teeth marks in his man vegetable.
However, the sausage incident didn’t stop him. Now, he likes to dress as different furniture. Sometimes, he is a chair and I have to sit on him. He has even created a cover for himself so that he looks more like a chair. It’s made of leather. Although, he did faint once in the summer from the heat.
Nowadays, when I get home, I don’t know what piece of furniture he is going to be. Sometimes he is the bookshelf and I have to put books on him. He makes me place them on him in alphabetical order.
People think it is strange when I tell them about it. Especially, the part about the fact that we don’t speak when he is pretending to be a piece of furniture. To be honest, it did bother me at first, but now I don’t mind. We used to argue a lot. But, I have learned to enjoy the peace and quiet after a long days work. At the same time, I don’t feel alone because I know he is there, whether he is the table for my cup of tea, the sofa for me to sit on or an umbrella stand, though I have to remember to put the umbrella in the right way.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
This podcast is powered by Pinecast.
8 min
November 19, 2019S1E1 - Learn English with Two Old Men - Welcome
Episode Notes
Learn English with Two Old Men.
Who are these two crazy old men in a shed?
Meet Geoffrey and Alfred, two old men who know nothing!
Support us
Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:
https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish
See the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.
Transcript:
ALFRED: Welcome to the Learn English with Two Old Men podcast... And there is no introduction music! That is a good start to this series of podcasts. Well the aim of this podcast is to talk about the lives of two old men and hopefully, someone might find some wisdom, someone might find some useful advice and hopefully someone will listen to us. We hope to entertain and educate. But it is not just me. With me is my co-host Geoffrey. Say hello Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Hello Geoffrey.
ALFRED: That is a really old and terrible joke!
Geoffrey: Yes. The old jokes are the best. Anyway, why do you want me to say hello. I said hello to you 10 minutes ago.
ALFRED: No, not to me, Geoffrey. Say hello to the listeners.
Geoffreys: The listeners? There is nobody here in the room, except you and me. Are you nuts?
ALFRED: You don’t remember that we are here to record a podcast, do you?
Geoffrey: Ah, yes? This is it, is it? What is a podcast?
ALFRED: What a great start! Think of it like an old radio programme.
Geoffrey: I love the radio. So, people are listening to us live, right? Maybe, we can talk about the news. Live Today’s date is..
ALFRED: It is not live. It’s recorded and people can listen to us when they want.
Geoffrey: That’s marvellous! How do they do that?
ALFRED: Using the internet.
Geoffrey: Oh, I’ve heard of the internet. What is it?
ALFRED: Just think of it like magic spaghetti that connects people’s computers.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I understand.
ALFRED: Anyway, today’s topic is...
I can’t find my show notes. Have you seen them?
Geoffrey:Uh-oh! Were they a lot of pieces of paper?
ALFRED: Yes, they were.
Geoffrey: Were they written in pencil?
ALFRED: Yes, they were.
Geoffrey: Did you leave them on the small table at the back of the room?
ALFRED: Yes, I did.
Geoffrey: Well, I’m afraid I haven’t seen them.
ALFRED: Geoffrey! Are you hiding something?
Geoffrey: Yes
ALFRED: Did you do something with my notes?
Geoffrey: Yes
ALFRED: What did you do?
Geoffrey: Well, my daughter says I have to recycle more. I’ve now got an obsession for it. I recyle everything I find
ALFRED: Everything?
Geoffrey: Everything! I’ve even recycled the recycling bin.
ALFRED: But, you don’t have a daughter.
Geoffrey: Ah really? I thought I did. I must have recycled her too!
ALFRED: haha. Ok, so! Your memory is bad and unfortunately, my memory isn’t that good either. Ok, let me think of some questions. There is a lot in the news about immigration, borders being put up. What do you think of this?
Geoffrey: Really! That is great! We need borders! What would the maps look like without them? Anyway, the waitress at my local café is foreign.
ALFRED: Ah really? Where is she from?
Geoffrey: I don’t know, but she has got a lovely accent! Makes this old man happy! If she can make a good cup of tea, that is all that matters to me.
ALFRED: Geoffrey, We’re old, you can look but you can’t touch.
Geoffrey: I can’t touch?
ALFRED: Yes, you literally can’t touch as you’re an ugly old man with hairs in his hears who struggles to get himself out of his own chair.
Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’d love to ...
ALFRED: Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Anyway, I’d love to meet a young foreign lass! This old man misses the women’s touch, and with a blue pill or two..
ALFRED: Geoffrey! Calm down!
Geoffrey: Yes, yes, sorry. Maybe, I’ll just keep to my normal task of helping the waitress improve her English; I teach her all the naughty words. It makes this old man happy, yes!
ALFRED: You are a dirty old man. Now, can you speak any other languages?
Geoffrey: Actually, yes I can.
ALFRED: Really? That is surprising. What other language can you speak?
Geoffrey: I can speak, French. I have a story about how I learnt it.
ALFRED: I’m sure you do. Please, go ahead.
Geoffrey: Well, I was on the front line during the war. But, I didn’t like killing people, so I decided to run way.
ALFRED: War is horrible. I don’t blame you.
Geoffrey: Well. I was in France. I was 18 and it was 1944. I ran and ran and..
ALFRED: ran?
Geoffrey: Yes! No! I ran, ran and ate rats. It was the only meat I could find. They go well with tomatoes.
ALFRED: Please continue before I throw-up.
Geoffrey: As you know, people always say I have a bit of a baby’s face. I look younger than I am.
ALFRED: Not anymore Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Thanks, I think? Anyway, I decided to use my young looks to my advantage. So, I painted my cheeks red, found some bright socks and wore a silly hat.
ALFRED: So, you tried to look like a child.
Geoffrey: Yes. I think I saw some children playing. French children of course. So, I joined in, they were playing football. Of course, I lost the game. I’ve always been bad at sports.
ALFRED: Right, but you didn’t speak French at that moment, right?
Geoffrey: No, I didn’t. So, after the game, all the parents came to collect their children. Of course, I was left alone. Then one fat lady.
ALFRED: It’s politically incorrect to say fat.
Geoffrey: Oh, sorry, one large lady...
ALFRED: I don’t know about political correctness anymore. I give up.
Geoffrey: Ok, one lady whose size was bigger than the average at that time, saw me. She had no children. She must have felt sorry for me. She came over and gave me a big hug. Then before I could say no, she grabbed my arm and took me to her house.
ALFRED: But, obviously, you explained that you weren’t a child.
Geoffrey: No, her boyfriend was a German soldier. So, I couldn’t speak English in front of him. I decided to continue to pretend that I was a child. At least, for the first time in 2 months, I got a good meal, a nice warm bed and a bed time story, even if I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.
ALFRED: But, did you try to escape?
Geoffrey, Yes, I did try to escape, the days that her boyfriend was away.
ALFRED: Did you manage to escape?
Geoffery: No! That big woman was stronger than an ox! She kept catching me and taking me back to her house. She spanked my bottom every time.
ALFRED: She spanked your bottom?
Geoffrey: Yes, it was very red and sore. I did enjoy it a little.
ALFRED: Back to the story please.
Geoffrey: Anyway, I tried to explain to her that I was a soldier who is hiding. But, of course she didn’t understand a word. She didn’t speak English. She would say “shh” and then give me a drink of hot milk and send me to bed. Not even a bedtime story!
ALFRED: Well, what happened?
Geoffrey: I had stay there until I could learn French and explain to her that I’m not a lost child and that I’m an adult.
ALFRED: Did you?
Geoffrey: No, I’m a bit stupid, She was a vet. So, I learnt to say that ‘I am a dog’ but never learn the French word for child! So, she thought it was a game, she gave me a bone for bed.
ALFRED: Obviously, you managed to escape...
Geoffrey: Yes, after a year, I did. Some nuns were passing through the village, and I decided to escape with them. I dressed up as a nun and joined them. By this time, the war was over and that is another story.
ALFRED: So, did you did learn French in the end, didn’t you?
Geoffrey: No, I never could learn foreign languages.
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12 min
November 05, 2019 S1E1 - Welcome to Chuckle English Podcasts for Learning English
Episode Notes
Our podcasts to learn English are released every week. They are designed for adults with a sense of humour to learn and laugh at the same time.
They are designed for learners of the English language with an intermediate or advanced level.
We also release a quick dictation every week for you to actively improve your listening comprehension. The dictations are always funny and strange stories.
Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english
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