As we all know, the position of the stars when you are born dictates not only the entirety of your personality but also the whole course of your life. Fingers crossed you get born in the right month though as there is nothing you can do about it!

Sweet Johnny and I discuss the almost limitless merits of having a fake heron strapped to your head. Male sex dolls are too heavy for poor, small lonely women and swooping season is upon us.

Why is Hove park full of fat, childless millennials with blue hair walking around on their phones, vaping?

The size of the trousers of a countries dictator are directly proportional to how well the country is doing as a whole. We get a sad update on the storming of Area 51.

We take pity on the poor hot girls out there that have been afflicted with toe thumbs. The triggening takes a good 30 mins to kick in but of course it does

Live coding an abstract 'your mum' insult generator to be used for evil.

Man proposes tougher police powers to stop people todding on the roof of his beloved Honda Jazz. Vegans are killing rabbits and teachers are looking at going back to the good old days of the cain.

Is a cash for gash system really what Oxfam needs to create the kind of rigidity and gumption this country needs to pull itself back from the brink of destruction?

Delving into the wealthy world of our least favourite shape shifting lizard, Mark Zuckerberg! How to spot a softboi and other luscious Friday treats.

Animals are buying porn and sending nudes and seducing elderly Thai men! Vegan lady in batshit crazy shocker. Tiny horse has bizzare gimp mask.