After the unexpected death of a dear friend, I found myself doing what many of us do when faced with grief. I tried to stay strong. I tried to carry on. But it wasn't until I sat around a campfire with friends—sharing memories, expressing sadness, and listening to one another—that something began to shift.

That experience got me thinking about listening.

In a world increasingly shaped by social media algorithms, advertising, political polarisation, and the constant pressure to broadcast our opinions, genuine listening can feel surprisingly rare. Yet being heard remains one of the most powerful human experiences we can offer one another.

In this episode, I explore listening as an act of compassion. We journey from ancient oral traditions and Indigenous storytelling, through Socrates, Confucius, Carl Rogers, and motivational interviewing, to consider why listening helps reduce defensiveness, soften threat, create connection, and transform isolation into belonging.

Listening doesn't necessarily remove suffering. A grieving friend still grieves. A difficult situation may remain difficult. But when people feel heard, something important happens. We feel less alone. We feel understood. And sometimes, that's where healing begins.

Timestamps:

00:00 Grief and the urge to hide

00:39 Healing through being heard

01:39 Listening as the core skill

02:07 A world that rewards noise

03:08 Listening across history

05:20 From waiting to real listening

05:56 Carl Rogers and empathy

07:20 Compassion begins with listening

08:19 How being heard changes us

09:57 Listening as a bridge in conflict

11:00 Motivational interviewing basics

11:40 What compassionate listening sounds like

12:35 Why listening matters now

13:28 The gift of listening

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

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*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

listening, compassion, empathy, psychology, communication, relationships, mentalhealth, wellbeing, connection, selfcompassion

Teacher burnout doesn't just affect teachers—it affects students too.

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, Dr Stan Steindl speaks with Clinical Psychologist, educator, researcher, and founder of the Institute for Neuroscience and Education, Dr Rita Princi-Hubbard, about compassionate pedagogy, teacher wellbeing, and the fascinating ways stress and emotional regulation can flow between teachers and students.

Drawing on her PhD research and her chapter, Teaching the New Teacher with Compassionate Pedagogy, Rita explains why many teachers enter the profession without sufficient training in child development, emotional regulation, trauma, attachment, and self-compassion. She argues that understanding how people work—not just how students learn—is one of the missing pieces in modern teacher education.

The conversation explores the concept of "stress contagion" and the bidirectional relationship between teacher and student wellbeing. Rita shares research showing how teacher stress can influence students, how student distress can affect teachers, and why self-compassion may be one of the most important tools for preventing burnout and creating emotionally safe learning environments.

Stan and Rita discuss:

• Teacher burnout and the growing pressures facing educators

• Stress contagion and emotional co-regulation in the classroom

• Why teacher wellbeing matters for student wellbeing

• Compassion Focused Therapy and the Three Systems Model

• Attachment, trauma, and child development in education

• The limits of rewards-and-consequences behaviour management

• Self-compassion and receiving support as an educator

• Heart rate variability research conducted in real classrooms

• Compassionate pedagogy and social justice

• What teacher education programs may be missing

Whether you're a teacher, school leader, psychologist, parent, student, or simply interested in compassion and education, this conversation offers a compelling vision for how understanding, connection, and compassion can help both teachers and students flourish.

Timestamps:

00:00 Compassion Meets Education

02:11 Why Teacher Training Falls Short

03:10 Stress Contagion Explained

04:59 Modern Teacher Stressors

10:19 Teacher Shame and Self-Doubt

12:03 Inside the Research Design

15:32 The Eight Module Program

19:51 Self-Compassion for Teachers

25:39 Receiving Help Without Guilt

27:46 Three Systems Model in Classrooms

33:18 Beyond Rewards and Consequences

37:47 Heart Rate Variability Findings

43:14 Compassion and Social Justice

44:47 Redesigning Teacher Education

47:26 Advice for Burnout Beginners

49:43 Closing Reflections and Thanks

If you enjoyed this conversation, please like, subscribe, and share it with someone who cares about education, wellbeing, and compassion.

Links:

Rita Princi-Hubbard’s website:

https://www.in-ed.com.au/copy-of-consulting

Compassionate Pedagogy in Higher Education: International Perspectives

https://www.amazon.com.au/Compassionate-Pedagogy-Higher-Education-International/dp/1911451448/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/D_H0t8YvqMw

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

teacherwellbeing, teacherburnout, compassionatepedagogy, selfcompassion, education, compassionfocusedtherapy

What if therapist burnout isn’t a personal failure, but a consequence of how we train psychologists to relate to themselves?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I speak with clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Tania Kalkidis about therapist burnout, the pressure to “fix” clients, and how modern mental health systems can unintentionally reinforce shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection, and exhaustion in clinicians themselves.

Drawing on psychodynamic psychotherapy, relational therapy, attachment theory, neuroscience, and supervision practice, Tania explores why unconscious processes, defenses, and countertransference are central to effective therapy — not optional extras. We discuss how ignoring the therapist’s own internal experience can lead to resistance, misattunement, self-criticism, discouragement, and burnout for both therapist and client.

One of the things I found especially powerful in this conversation was Tania’s emphasis on the hidden shame many therapists carry around not knowing, struggling, or needing support themselves. We talk about emotional safety in supervision, why negative supervisory experiences can become deeply wounding, and how reflective practice and self-awareness are essential for sustainable therapeutic work.

Along the way, we explore attachment, epigenetics, implicit memory, social mentalities, emotional safety, and the relational dynamics unfolding moment to moment inside the therapy room. Tania also introduces her “Parallel Realities” model, designed to help clinicians normalise their inner experiences, reduce harsh self-criticism, and reconnect with confidence, curiosity, compassion, and meaning in their work.

If you’re a psychologist, therapist, counsellor, supervisor, or mental health practitioner interested in psychodynamic psychotherapy, Compassion Focused Therapy, therapist burnout, attachment theory, unconscious processes, supervision, and the deeper emotional realities of therapeutic work, I think you’ll find a lot in this conversation.

Tania also shares details of her free webinar on using Socratic questioning to help therapists move beyond exhaustion and the fixer mindset.

Timestamps:

00:00 Therapist Burnout And The Fixer Trap

02:09 Why Therapists Become Fixers

03:56 System Pressures And Training Gaps

09:48 Resistance, Pressure, And Client Impact

14:54 Modern Psychodynamic Therapy Explained

18:23 The Unconscious And Implicit Memory

22:15 Attachment, Neuroscience, And Epigenetics

26:51 Why The Therapist’s Inner World Matters

32:51 The Parallel Realities Model

42:14 Emotional Safety In Supervision

44:55 Burnout Prevention And Self Reflection

49:24 Encouragement For Exhausted Therapists

51:52 Webinar And Closing

Links:

Tania Kalkidis’s website:

https://deepmindpt.com/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/ZlfSyMLkHMM

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

psychology, psychodynamictherapy, therapistburnout, compassionfocusedtherapy, psychotherapy, attachmenttheory

How personal should therapists be?

Should helping professionals maintain emotional distance — or is genuine human connection part of what makes therapy healing?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I speak with consultant psychiatrist, writer, and editor Dr Glenn Roberts about one of the most important questions in therapy, psychiatry, and helping work: how much of ourselves should we bring into the room?

Beginning with Carl Jung’s powerful idea of the wounded healer — “The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected” — we explore what it really means for clinicians to be touched by the suffering of others without becoming overwhelmed.

Glenn offers a rich and compassionate perspective on the bridge between the personal and the professional. We discuss vulnerability, emotional openness, supervision, personal therapy, professional culture, and the difference between healthy boundaries and emotional barriers.

This conversation also touches on the depersonalising effects of modern healthcare systems, the unintended costs of highly competitive training cultures, and why warmth, kindness, and compassion may be among the most therapeutic qualities a clinician can bring.

We also venture into the emerging world of AI therapy, asking whether something fundamentally human is lost when care becomes entirely impersonal.

One especially moving part of the conversation is Glenn’s reflection on the late Mike Shooter — former President of the Royal College of Psychiatrists — whose openness about his own depression became a important source of hope during Glenn’s own difficult period, and helped inspire the creation of his remarkable book, Personally Speaking.

If you’re a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, doctor, coach, helping professional — or simply interested in compassion, human connection, and what makes healing possible — I think you’ll find a lot in this conversation.

In this episode, we explore:

• Carl Jung’s wounded healer and what it means in real clinical work

• Why being “affected” may be essential to therapeutic effectiveness

• Vulnerability, authenticity, and emotional presence in therapy

• Professional boundaries vs emotional disconnection

• The hidden costs of competitive training cultures

• Supervision, personal therapy, and practitioner self-development

• Recovery-oriented care and learning from lived experience

• Why patients often value kindness more than technical expertise

• AI therapy and whether human connection can be simulated

• Building warmer, more compassionate teams and services

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and the big question

00:42 Meet Dr Glenn Roberts and Personally Speaking

02:51 Carl Jung and the wounded healer

06:51 What does it mean to be “affected”?

10:45 Training, vulnerability, and professional culture

19:56 Supervision and personal therapy

23:09 Boundaries without barriers

26:10 AI therapy and the missing human element

29:36 Recovery, lived experience, and service-user wisdom

36:02 Warmth, compassion, and cultivating better teams

42:53 Mike Shooter and a powerful personal story

49:40 Practical reflections for clinicians

If this conversation resonates, please like, subscribe, and share — it helps more people discover these important conversations.

Links:

Find Dr Roberts’s book Personally Speaking here:

https://personally-speaking.com/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/r7nM12grS-E

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassion, psychotherapy, psychology, psychiatry, mentalhealth, woundedhealer

What if the opposite of threat isn’t relaxation… but safeness?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, Dr Stan Steindl explores a powerful and often misunderstood idea from Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT): the soothing-affiliative system.

Many people think compassion is simply about calming down, relaxing, or “down-regulating” stress. But drawing on Professor Paul Gilbert’s recent writing, Stan argues that compassion is far more alive, relational, and energising than that.

Affiliative relationships don’t just soothe our threat system — they can also activate dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphin systems linked to openness, social connection, exploration, play, and vitality.

Using the three systems model in Compassion Focused Therapy (threat, drive, and soothing), Stan explores why the opposite of threat may not be relaxation at all — but safeness. And safeness is not merely the absence of danger. It’s the presence of connection.

Along the way, Stan reflects on insights from John Bowlby’s attachment theory, Paul Gilbert’s biopsychosocial model, and conversations from Compassion in a T-Shirt with Elaine Beaumont, Chris Irons, and Charlie Heriot-Maitland.

This episode explores:

. Compassion Focused Therapy explained simply

. The three emotion regulation systems

. Why compassion is not just soothing

. The difference between relaxation and safeness

. Attachment, secure base, and emotional connection

. Why compassion can feel difficult or threatening

. How compassion helps us change our relationship with difficult emotions

. Compassion as courage, connection, and flourishing

If you’ve ever found compassion practices unexpectedly difficult—or if you’ve wondered why connection can feel both comforting and vulnerable—this episode is for you.

If you enjoy these conversations, please subscribe, leave a comment, or share this video with someone who might find it helpful.

Timestamps

00:00 Safeness Feels Alive

01:23 The Three Systems Model

02:13 Affiliation Opens Us

04:23 Safeness, Not Relaxation

04:56 Secure Base to Explore

05:51 The Biopsychosocial Model

07:06 When Compassion Feels Hard

08:17 Learning Safeness Gradually

09:03 Compassion Reorganises Life

09:32 Closing and Subscribe

#CompassionFocusedTherapy #SelfCompassion #PaulGilbert #AttachmentTheory #MentalHealth #Psychology

How do we find hope in the current global landscape?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I sit down with psychologist and motivational interviewing trainer Denise Ernst for a thoughtful and deeply human conversation about hope — what it is, where it comes from, and why it may be one of the most important yet under-discussed elements of motivational interviewing.

Denise describes hope not simply as optimism or positive thinking, but as a kind of living energy that exists alongside compassion, empathy, and love. We explore the idea that hope is not something we “install” into people, but something we help call forth — something already present, even beneath despair, trauma, or self-doubt.

Together we discuss deep listening, the fixing reflex, change talk and “hope talk,” the role of equanimity, and how motivational interviewing creates the conditions for hope to emerge through partnership, acceptance, compassion, and empowerment. Denise also reflects on the importance of practitioners staying connected to their own “wellspring” of hope through self-awareness, self-compassion, nature, meditation, yoga, and intentional practice.

This conversation moves beyond therapy techniques into something broader and more universal: how we remain connected to goodness, meaning, and possibility in difficult times.

[If you enjoyed this conversation, please consider subscribing to the channel, sharing the episode, or leaving a review on your podcast app — it really helps more people discover these conversations on compassion, psychology, and human wellbeing.]

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and Introduction

01:53 What Is Hope?

05:34 Calling Forth What Is Already There

08:46 Trauma, Threat, and Dormant Hope

11:19 Discovering Your Own Wellspring of Hope

16:00 Hope as a Practice

20:39 MI Spirit, Presence, and Deep Listening

24:32 Listening for “Hope Talk”

30:29 The Fixing Reflex and Backfire

35:34 Equanimity and Holding Both Hope and Despair

36:10 Hope, Compassion, and the Prism Metaphor

42:00 Motivational Interviewing as Human Connection

45:41 Self-Compassion for Practitioners

47:59 Hope in Difficult Times

53:15 Final Reflections

Links:

Dr Denise Ernst’s website:

https://deniseernst.com/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/zHZ5Caru0aA

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

motivationalinterviewing, hope, compassion, selfcompassion, psychotherapy, mentalhealth

What happens inside your mind when you wake up irritable frustrated…and then start criticising yourself for it?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I sit down with clinical psychologist and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) expert Dr Chris Irons for a reflective, inside-out conversation on shame, self-criticism, and how compassion actually shows up in real life.

We begin with a simple but, I suspect, relatable moment—waking up in a bad mood—and follow how threat system activation can cascade through the day, leading to frustration, disconnection, and a second layer of shame and self-criticism. Chris introduces the powerful “three arrows” metaphor (pain, defensive responses, and shame/self-criticism), and shares a vivid analogy of shame as “too much salt,” overpowering our emotional experience.

We explore how self-criticism, rumination, and worry can trap us in loops, why awareness can sometimes make things worse, and how cultivating compassionate wisdom, courage, and care can help us respond differently. Chris also shares insights into Compassionate Mind Training (CMT), including the “compassionate ladder,” fears, blocks, and resistances to compassion, and how practices can be tailored to individual differences such as attachment style, shame, and neurodiversity.

We also look ahead to emerging research in CFT, including ADHD, hormonal influences, and how technology and personalised approaches may shape the future of compassion-based interventions.

This is a more open, less structured, conversation about what it’s actually like to be with our minds, and how we might learn to meet ourselves with compassion. I hope you enjoy it!

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and Guest Intro

01:27 Irritable Morning Story

03:36 Tricky Minds and Threat Loops

07:37 Self Criticism and Shame Spiral

12:29 The Three Arrows Explained

16:12 Reconnection Needs Courage

17:31 Compassion Qualities and Shame Types

22:32 Shame as Too Much Salt

26:13 Finding Compassion in the Dark

28:40 Practice Pathways and Compassion Ladder

30:37 Compassion Ladder Basics

31:14 Finding Your Best Starting Point

32:35 Researching Individual Differences

35:58 Neurodiversity and Tailoring CMT

36:55 When Compassion Triggers Threat

40:29 Fears Blocks and Physiology

42:04 ADHD Study and Menstrual Cycle

46:49 Assessment Guided Personalisation

52:04 Wearables and Daily Practice Choice

53:28 Context Triggers and Self Wisdom

59:47 What’s Next: Research and Access

01:03:18 Spreading CFT Beyond Therapy

01:04:15 Closing Thanks and Farewell

Links:

Dr Chris Irons’s website:

https://drchrisirons.com/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/mfK3XBCWQWg

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassionfocusedtherapy, selfcriticism, shame, mentalhealth, psychology, selfcompassion

What happens when shame keeps someone silent?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I speak with clinical psychologist Dr Eve da Silva about the often hidden impact of online sexual harm — and how shame, self-criticism, and secrecy can leave young people feeling isolated and unable to seek help.

Eve shares how her clinical work in CBT began to uncover a pattern: clients presenting with anxiety or low mood were often carrying unspoken experiences such as non-consensual image sharing or distressing online sexual encounters. These experiences were rarely discussed — not because they weren’t important, but because they felt too shameful to name.

Drawing on Compassion Focused Therapy, Eve developed a 14-day online self-compassion programme, designed to gently support people in shifting from self-blame to self-understanding. We explore the practices involved — including soothing rhythm breathing, safe space imagery, compassionate writing, and compassionate self exercises — and why even brief interventions can make a meaningful difference.

We also discuss the complexity of navigating digital intimacy, the role of peer and cultural pressures, and how shame activates threat responses that block help-seeking. Eve shares findings from her study, where participants showed reduced self-criticism, lower distress, increased self-reassurance, and more openness to seeking help.

This is a thoughtful and important conversation about how compassion can help people begin to relate differently to themselves — especially in moments where they might feel most alone.

You can find Eve’s free resources here:

https://compassionhelps.com/resources

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and Topic

01:33 Why This Research

06:51 Online Norms and Pressure

12:32 Shame and Silence

16:51 Designing the Program

23:18 Making It Human

26:38 Study Results and Outcomes

35:41 Supporting Youth Compassionately

42:02 Micro Anchors Explained

46:03 What’s Next and Wrap-Up

Links:

Find Eve da Silva on Instagram:

@drevedasilva

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/twLUB3Ma118

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassion focused therapy, self compassion, shame, online harm, mental health, help seeking

What really drives elite performance — discipline, self-criticism, or something deeper? In this episode, I explore psychological flexibility, self-compassion, and high performance with Olympian Toby Jenkins.

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I sit down with Toby Jenkins — Olympian, entrepreneur, speaker, and coach — to explore leadership, high performance, and the inner world that shapes both.

Toby is also my cousin, so this was a really special conversation for me. He shares a deeply personal and powerful account of his Olympic journey, describing the yin–yang of high performance — the highs and lows, pride and disappointment, confidence and doubt, and even moments of shame.

We talk openly about self-criticism — how it can drive performance, but also how it can become harsh and unhelpful. Toby reflects on the intense pressure of elite sport, and how that inner voice shaped his experience along the way.

One of the most powerful moments in the conversation is a story from his early days at the Australian Institute of Sport, where a simple act of kindness — a teammate offering him an old team t-shirt — had a profound and lasting impact. It’s a beautiful example of compassion in action.

Toby also shares how discovering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and the science of psychological flexibility transformed his understanding of mindset. Rather than trying to eliminate stress or control emotions, he now focuses on opening up to discomfort, being present, and taking values-based action.

In our conversation, we explore:

- The double-edged nature of self-criticism in high performance

- Why confidence can be unreliable — and competence is built through reps

- How athletes and leaders can respond differently to pressure, fear, and doubt

- The role of compassion and self-compassion in resilience and growth

- How psychological flexibility applies across sport, business, and everyday life

This is a really rich, practical, and deeply human conversation about what it means to perform, lead, and live well — even when things are tough.

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome And Guest Intro

01:46 Cousins Reunite On Air

02:39 Olympic Highs And Lows

07:20 AIS Grind And Self Doubt

09:00 Humiliated At Selection Camp

12:25 The T Shirt Kindness Moment

14:55 Pay It Forward Lessons

19:12 Compassion Defined In Practice

21:52 Reframing Coach With Compassion

27:30 Inner Critic And Pain As Fuel

30:02 When Self Criticism Helps Or Hurts

32:12 Constructive vs Shame Critic

33:22 Owning Pressure Out Loud

35:46 Acceptance Price of Entry

37:27 Finding ACT in Crisis

38:49 Work Identity Wake Up

44:23 Mindset Shift in Leaders

47:08 Confidence vs Competence Reps

53:58 Compassion Validation and Choice

59:17 Wholeness Yin Yang Wrap

01:00:36 Closing Thanks and Farewell

Links:

Toby Jenkin’s website:

https://www.tobyajenkins.com/

Toby’s LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/tobyjenkins/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/KczGMCNSorQ

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Hashtags:

compassion, selfcompassion, psychologicalflexibility, highperformance, leadership, mentalhealth

Why do we self-sabotage, criticise ourselves, or even create chaos in our own lives — sometimes right when things matter most?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I sit down with clinical psychologist Dr Charlie Heriot-Maitland to explore his powerful new book Controlled Explosions in Mental Health. Together, we unpack a surprising and compassionate idea: that many of the things we struggle with — procrastination, self-criticism, pessimism, even self-harm — may actually be our brain’s way of protecting us from something it views as even more painful.

Charlie introduces the concept of “controlled explosions” — targeted, self-directed harms designed to prevent bigger feared threats like rejection, failure, humiliation, or retraumatisation. Drawing on evolutionary psychology and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), we explore how understanding these patterns can reduce shame and help us relate to our minds in a more compassionate and effective way.

Along the way, Charlie and I reflect on our own experiences of writing and publishing books — and how self-sabotage can show up in surprisingly subtle ways, like procrastinating near the finish line or even holding back from promoting something we care deeply about. These moments bring the theory to life, showing how these “protective” processes can quietly shape our choices, often in ways we don’t immediately recognise.

We also dive into the idea of the “bomb squad” — different parts of the mind (like the procrastinator, pessimist, or inner critic) that step in to protect us — and why trying to simply “get rid” of these patterns often leads to more struggle. Instead, Charlie outlines a compassionate approach of noticing, understanding, and helping — turning towards the underlying fears rather than fighting the symptoms.

This is a thoughtful and deeply relatable conversation about why our minds work the way they do — and how compassion can help us work with our minds, rather than against them.

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and Guest Intro

02:05 New Book Overview

02:46 Controlled Explosions Metaphor

06:46 Eureka Origin Story

08:56 Evolution and Deshaming

11:26 Bomb Squad Characters

13:46 Self Sabotage Unit

22:29 Self Criticism Unit

28:56 Whack a Mole and Root Causes

33:24 Parts Work and Personifying

36:48 Continuum and Common Humanity

41:03 Compassionate Practice Tools

48:16 Therapy Applications and Closing

Links:

Dr Charlie Heriot-Maitland’s website:

https://charlieheriotmaitland.com/

Relating to Voices Using CFT (Heriot-Maitland & Longden, 2022)

https://charlieheriotmaitland.com/books/relating-to-voices-using-compassion-focused-therapy/

Controlled Explosions in Mental Health (Heriot-Maitland, 2026)

https://charlieheriotmaitland.com/books/controlled-explosions-in-mental-health/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

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