Compassion in a T-Shirt

How do we begin to meet our past with compassion—and find purpose in what we’ve lived through?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, Dr Stan Steindl welcomes Dani Sumner, life transformation coach, spiritual director, and host of A Holy Mess.

Drawing on her personal story of recovery, Dani explores shame, self-criticism, and the voices she calls the “shitty committee.” Together, we discuss how suffering can become a source of wisdom, how helping others can support our own healing, and the role of Christian faith and grace in her journey.

Throughout the conversation, we return to three flows of compassion: receiving care from others, offering compassion to ourselves, and extending it to those around us.

An honest conversation about making peace with our stories and opening ourselves to connection, hope, and purpose.

Find out more about Dani and A Holy Mess: https://www.danisumner.com

If this conversation resonates with you, please like and subscribe for more conversations about compassion and being human.

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome and Guest Intro

01:16 Dani Sobriety Turning Point

03:46 Compassion as Lifeline

05:35 Drinking Was Not the Issue

07:12 Naming Shame and Roots

09:08 From Victimhood to Growth

13:26 Healing Shame in Community

16:35 Meet the Shitty Committee

19:46 Curiosity Over Fighting Critic

21:20 Learning Self Compassion

23:04 Hurt People Heal

23:37 Jesus And Compassion

26:11 Three Flows Framework

27:47 Spotting Real Compassion

29:02 Loving Kindness Changes

34:41 Suffering Into Service

37:23 Self Compassion Not Selfish

39:11 Shame Needs Community

42:07 First Steps Out Of Shame

44:49 Closing Thanks And Links

Links:

Find Dani Sumner at her website:

https://www.danisumner.com

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

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*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

Compassion, SelfCompassion, Shame, Recovery, FindingPurpose, AHolyMess

What if beneath the feeling “I’m not good enough” is an innocent wish to be loved?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I welcome back Dr Chris Germer, co-developer of Mindful Self-Compassion with Dr Kristin Neff, to explore his new book, Self-Compassion for Shame: A Step-by-Step Guide to Inner Freedom.

Chris shares personal experiences that deepened his understanding of shame, from public speaking anxiety to discovering an early feeling of not being welcome in the world. Together, we explore how shame hides within self-criticism, anxiety, and our efforts to earn acceptance—and how recognising the human wish beneath it can change our relationship with ourselves.

We discuss practical ways to recognise your own “signature signs” of shame, find a foothold for compassion when you feel overwhelmed, and work at a manageable pace. Chris also explains why self-compassion can mean listening to music, spending time with friends, or getting some rest, alongside meditation and other inner practices.

We explore tender and fierce self-compassion, responding to internalised criticism, and five steps towards self-forgiveness that include taking responsibility and repairing harm.

At the heart of our conversation is a hopeful possibility: we can remain imperfect and vulnerable while learning to meet ourselves with compassion and loosen shame’s grip.

If this conversation resonates with you, please consider liking the video and subscribing for more conversations about the science and practice of compassion.

Timestamps:

00:00 Meet Chris Germer

02:34 Shame Journey Origins

05:27 Workshops Reveal Shame

09:20 Spotting Shame Signs

15:40 Innocent Wish Loved

24:48 Conference Shame Example

28:24 Finding Compassion Foothold

31:11 Why Shame Transforms

32:46 Finding a Safe Pace

33:02 Backdraft and Titration

35:26 Lean In Lean Back

36:57 Behavioral Self Compassion

38:48 Living Compassionately Daily

40:11 Roots of Internalized Shame

43:44 Tender and Fierce Compassion

48:43 Five Steps Self Forgiveness

56:49 Freedom From Shame Grip

01:02:09 Two Paradoxes of Practice

01:03:14 Closing Thanks and Links

Links:

Find Chris Germer at his website:

https://chrisgermer.com/

By Chris’s new book, Self-Compassion for Shame: A Step-by-Step Guide to Inner Freedom, at the publisher: https://www.guilford.com/books/Self-Compassion-for-Shame/Christopher-Germer/9781462557882

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

SelfCompassion, Shame, ChrisGermer, MindfulSelfCompassion, SelfForgiveness, CompassionInATShirt

What if happiness at work isn’t a perk, but something much more fundamental?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I speak with organisational happiness and wellbeing strategist Daniela Jinés about what it really means to be happy at work — and why happiness, compassion and human performance may be much more closely connected than we realise.

Daniela shares her remarkable journey from law and human rights into humanitarian work and organisational happiness, including the personal health crisis that forced her to reconsider how she was working and leading. We explore happiness not simply as pleasure or positivity, but as something connected to self-awareness, purpose, relationships, safety and the way we treat ourselves and others.

We also explore the pressures built into modern working life — threat, drive, burnout and our relentless focus on productivity — and ask whether responsibility for wellbeing sits with individual workers or with the organisations around them. Daniela makes the provocative case for happiness at work as a human right, while also acknowledging how difficult systemic change can be.

Along the way, we discuss the hedonic treadmill, the neuroscience of happiness, compassionate leadership, Daniela’s HAND Model, self-compassion and the inner critic, and the small everyday actions that can help us create happier and more compassionate workplaces. Again and again, the conversation comes back to one deceptively simple starting point: self-awareness.

Timestamps:

00:00 Welcome to Compassion in a T-Shirt

01:20 How did happiness become your life’s work?

05:25 What do we actually mean by happiness?

11:40 What role do self-awareness and self-empathy play?

15:20 What gets in the way of happiness at work?

18:15 Are our workplaces built around threat and drive?

27:40 Is burnout an individual or organisational problem?

30:40 Have we become too focused on productivity?

36:35 What is the HAND Model?

45:15 How can we make work happier and more compassionate?

Links:

Find Daniela Jinés at her website:

https://happyorganizations.org/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/KIOQrynBTeY

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

Compassion, HappinessAtWork, WorkplaceWellbeing, SelfCompassion, OrganizationalHappiness, CompassionateLeadership

Why do painful experiences sometimes spiral into shame and harsh self-criticism?

In this excerpt from my conversation with clinical psychologist Dr Chris Irons, we explore a powerful idea in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT): the Third Arrow. Building on the traditional Buddhist teaching of the Two Arrows, Chris explains how Paul Gilbert recognised an additional layer of suffering that many of us experience—shame and self-criticism about our pain.

Together we explore how shame can trap us in a "bubble" of threat, why reconnection often takes courage, the qualities of the compassionate self, the difference between internal and external shame, and how compassionate inquiry can help us respond to suffering with greater wisdom, strength and care.

This is one of my favourite moments from our full conversation and beautifully captures the heart of Compassion Focused Therapy.

If you enjoy this excerpt, be sure to watch the complete interview with Chris Irons on the channel.

https://youtu.be/mfK3XBCWQWg

And I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Which idea resonated most with you?

Timestamps:

00:00 The Third Arrow

00:18 The Buddhist Two Arrows

01:08 Paul Gilbert's Third Arrow

01:45 Shame, Self-Criticism and the Bubble

02:40 Why CFT Attends to All Three Arrows

03:40 Reconnection Takes Courage

04:45 The Compassionate Self

05:50 Who's Walking the Dog?

06:50 Internal and External Shame

07:55 Compassionate Inquiry

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/WaRylOh4nFY

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassionfocusedtherapy, compassion, selfcriticism, shame, paulgilbert, chrisirons

I think this interview speaks to anyone who has ever wondered whether success has come at too great a cost.

After building a successful legal career, Clarissa Rayward reached a point where she dreaded driving to work. Rather than walking away from the profession she loved, she chose a different path—one that led her to rethink success, embrace self-compassion, and ultimately create Happy Lawyer Happy Life.

In this conversation, Clarissa shares the deeply personal story behind that turning point, the lessons she learned from burnout and grief, and how those experiences transformed the way she practises family law, leads her team, and lives her life. Together, we explore self-compassion, perfectionism, courage, receiving help, redefining success, and why genuine wellbeing isn't about lowering our standards but creating a life that's sustainable.

We also dive into some fascinating questions about compassion in the legal profession. Can compassion exist within an adversarial system? What happens when we shift from asking, "Who's right?" to "What really matters?" Clarissa explains how collaborative practice, curiosity and deep listening are changing the way she helps families navigate separation and conflict.

Towards the end of our conversation, we also explore the rise of artificial intelligence and why, despite extraordinary technological change, genuinely listening to another person may become even more valuable. It was particularly meaningful when Clarissa reflected on what it felt like to simply be listened to—a timely reminder that compassion often begins not with advice, but with understanding.

Whether you're a lawyer, psychologist, healthcare professional, leader, parent, or simply someone trying to build a meaningful life, I think you'll find something valuable in Clarissa's wisdom.

If you enjoy conversations exploring compassion, wellbeing and human flourishing, I'd love you to subscribe to the channel and join us for future interviews and video essays.

Connect with Clarissa Rayward

Happy Lawyer Happy Life

https://www.happylawyerhappylife.com/

Podcast

https://open.spotify.com/show/6Swqki7ooLQ8fDV1AlhXsY

Book

https://www.happylawyerhappylife.com/thebook/

Brisbane Family Law Centre

https://www.bflc.com.au/

Timestamps:

00:00 Introduction

02:05 The burnout that changed everything

08:30 Early warning signs and perfectionism

13:20 Self-compassion and asking for help

20:00 Redefining success

27:45 The three flows of compassion

34:15 Compassion in family law

41:30 Changing the legal profession

44:45 AI, listening and staying human

47:30 What really matters in life

50:10 Closing reflections

23:47 Final Takeaways

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/StanSteindl

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_stan_steindl/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/MLwwJ-NYfYo

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassion, selfcompassion, burnout, wellbeing, happiness, familylaw

What if the most powerful listening skill isn't asking better questions—but making better reflections?

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, Dr. Stan Steindl explores one of the core skills of compassionate communication: reflective listening. Drawing on Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Motivational Interviewing (MI), and the work of Carl Rogers, you'll learn how reflections help people feel understood, organise their thoughts, discover deeper meaning, and often arrive at their own insights.

Using the metaphor of an ordinary mirror versus a magic mirror, this episode explains why reflections are far more than repeating someone's words. They become a compassionate way of helping people understand themselves.

Whether you're a therapist, coach, healthcare professional, leader, teacher, parent, partner, or simply someone who wants to become a better listener, these practical skills can transform your conversations.

If this video was helpful, I'd love for you to like, subscribe, and share it with someone who values meaningful conversations. Small changes in the way we listen can make an enormous difference to the people around us.

Timestamps:

00:00 Surface vs Deep Talk

01:06 Questions vs Reflections

02:46 What Is a Reflection?

04:38 Simple Reflections

06:07 Complex Reflection Magic

08:03 Reflecting Feelings

11:38 Reflecting Meaning

14:33 Choosing What to Reflect

16:22 Special Reflection Types

19:50 Drop the Reflection Stems

21:05 Putting It All Together

22:27 Compassion in Action

23:47 Final Takeaways

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/2et5eQKwBnA

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

reflectivelistening, compassionfocusedtherapy, compassion, motivationinterviewing, communicationskills, activelistening

Most of us think good listening means staying quiet. But great listeners do something else as well—they ask better questions.

When someone is struggling, it's natural to want to offer advice, share our own experience, or tell them what we think they should do. But what if, instead of giving another answer, we asked another question?

In this episode, I explore one of the most powerful listening skills I know: Ask, Don't Tell. Drawing on compassion, motivational interviewing, and over 25 years of clinical psychology, I'll show you how turning advice into thoughtful questions can help people discover their own wisdom, strengthen relationships, and create deeper, more meaningful conversations.

You'll also learn a practical framework of eight different question types—from opening and exploring questions through to strength, possibility and commitment questions—that you can start using immediately in everyday life, whether you're a parent, partner, friend, leader, coach, therapist or simply someone who wants to listen more compassionately.

If you've ever wondered how to become a better listener, it might start with asking better questions.

Timestamps:

00:00 A childhood question I never forgot

00:50 Why good questions matter so much

01:30 Ask, don't tell: a simple listening shift

02:28 Turning advice into thoughtful questions

03:22 The motivational interviewing mindset

04:19 Open versus closed questions

05:34 Eight question types for better listening

05:52 Opening, exploring and clarifying questions

06:47 Perspective and balancing questions

07:27 Strength, possibility and commitment questions

08:51 Avoiding advice disguised as questions

09:36 The quiet power of curiosity

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/pCJN49ez_Mw

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

listening, listeningskills, communicationskills, motivationalinterviewing, compassion, psychology

The more I tried to help, the less effective I sometimes became.

It sounds backwards, but years ago I discovered that the harder I pushed with advice, solutions, or persuasion, the more resistance I often encountered. That experience led me to one of the most important lessons I've learned as a psychologist: sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is stop trying to fix and start trying to understand.

In this episode, I explore why our urge to fix is usually well-intentioned, but can sometimes get in the way of genuinely helping. Drawing on Compassion Focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, and three fascinating psychological theories—Self-Perception Theory, Psychological Reactance, and Self-Determination Theory—we look at why people are often more likely to discover their own answers than adopt ours.

You'll also learn practical ways to become a more compassionate listener by replacing advice with curiosity, reflection, and thoughtful questions that help others find their own way forward.

If you've ever found yourself wanting to solve someone else's problems (or wishing someone would simply listen to yours!) I hope this episode gives you a different way of thinking about what it means to help.

If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Have you ever experienced a conversation where being listened to was more helpful than receiving advice?

Timestamps:

00:00 Why Trying to Fix Fails

01:14 The Urge to Fix

02:57 Compassion Means Understanding

03:22 Why Advice Needs Understanding

04:07 How Talking Creates Clarity

05:15 Why We Resist Advice 07:21

Why Autonomy Drives Change

08:23 Listening Is Real Help

09:13 Three Ways to Listen Better

11:02 Listening as Compassion

12:08 A Simple Experiment This Week

12:54 Final Thoughts

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

listening, compassion, compassionfocusedtherapy, motivationalinterviewing, psychology, communication

Can we actually measure the Three Circles Model? And if we can, what does that tell us about what's happening in our brains, bodies, and emotions?

For years, the Three Circles Model has been one of the central ideas in Compassion Focused Therapy, helping therapists and clients make sense of threat, drive, and soothing. But until recently, it had never really been tested scientifically.

In this episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I'm joined by compassion researcher Dr Dylan Moloney-Gibb to discuss his groundbreaking research, recently published in Behaviour Research and Therapy. Together with colleagues Chase Sherwell, Sasha Lynn and James Kirby, Dylan explores whether the Three Circles Model reflects measurable changes in physiology, using heart rate variability (HRV) alongside the new digital Three Circles app.

We explore how the app works, why it may offer advantages over traditional questionnaires, and what happens to threat, drive and soothing when people move through rest, stress, recovery and compassion. We also discuss some surprising findings—including why the compassion exercise didn't produce the changes the researchers expected—and what this might mean for the future of Compassion Focused Therapy, emotion regulation research, and clinical practice.

Whether you're a therapist, researcher, student, or simply curious about compassion, neuroscience and emotion regulation, I think you'll find this a fascinating conversation.

Timestamps:

00:00 Meet Dr Dylan Moloney-Gibb

02:16 The Three Circles app

02:34 Understanding threat, drive and soothing

07:59 Why this research matters

11:21 Measuring circle dominance

14:03 Is the soothing system more than calmness?

16:45 The Triple R study design (Rest, Reactivity, Recovery)

20:30 The compassion exercise

23:04 What happened to the Three Circles?

28:53 Comparing the circles with heart rate variability (HRV)

31:34 Why balance between the circles matters

38:31 Future directions for research

42:19 What this means for therapists and the future of CFT

Links:

The Three Circle Model of Compassion Focused Therapy: An Experimental Paradigm to Assess Dynamic Psychophysiological Changes of Emotion Regulation Systems (Moloney-Gibb, Sherwell, Lynn & Kirby, 2026). Open Access at https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2026.105028

Find links to Dylan’s other papers here: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Dylan-Moloney-Gibb

Find the Three Circles App here: https://www.threecircles.io/

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

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*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

CompassionFocusedTherapy, ThreeCirclesModel, EmotionRegulation, SelfCompassion, HeartRateVariability, HRV, Neuroscience, ClinicalPsychology, Psychotherapy, CompassionScience, MentalHealth, Psychology, PaulGilbert, DylanMoloneyGibb, StanSteindl

Most of us think listening is easy. But if we're honest, we often listen with the intention to reply, advise, fix, persuade, or tell our own story.

In this follow-up to my recent episode on listening as compassion, I explore what compassionate listening actually looks like in practice. Drawing on ideas from compassion-focused therapy, motivational interviewing, and the work of Carl Rogers, I share seven simple skills that can help us become better listeners in our everyday lives.

These aren't just communication techniques. They are ways of creating the kind of safety and understanding that help people feel heard, valued, and less alone.

In this video, you'll learn:

. Why "No Fixin'" is often the best place to start

. How to "Ask, Don't Tell”

. Why reflection is one of the most powerful listening skills

. How to listen for feelings and deeper meaning

. Why silence is often where the real conversation begins

. What it means to put your agenda down

. Why understanding someone doesn't require agreeing with them

Whether you're a therapist, coach, leader, teacher, parent, partner, or friend, these skills can help you have more compassionate and meaningful conversations.

As Carl Rogers famously said: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Perhaps something similar is true in our conversations. When people feel accepted and understood, they often find their own way forward.

I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Which of these listening skills comes most naturally to you? And which one do you find most challenging?

Timestamps:

00:00 Why Listening Is Compassion

00:50 Threat vs Curiosity

01:14 Tip 1 No Fixing

02:13 Tip 2 Ask Dont Tell

04:02 Tip 3 If In Doubt Reflect

05:08 Tip 4 Feelings and Meaning

07:20 Tip 5 Make Friends With Silence

08:16 Tip 6 Put Your Agenda Down

09:10 Tip 7 Understand Without Agreeing

10:15 Key Takeaways and Closing

Links:

If you would like to learn more about compassion focused therapy, you can find Dr Stan Steindl's book The Gifts of Compassion here: https://www.ausapress.com/p/the-gifts-of-compassion-how-to-understand-and-overcome-suffering/

Say hi on social:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drstansteindl

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-steindl-150a5264/

Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/oWHmGIjn4FA

*Affiliate Disclaimer: Note this description contains affiliate links that allow you to find the items mentioned in this video and support the channel at no cost to you. While this channel may earn minimal sums when the viewer uses the links, the viewer is in no way obligated to use these links. Thank you for your support!

Video hashtags:

compassionatelistening, compassion, selfcompassion, empathy, psychology, communicationskills