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Conflict Avoidance Is Killing Your Relationship (Here’s Why)
What if the thing you believe is protecting your relationship is actually what’s slowly destroying it?
In this episode of Cake for Dinner, couples therapist and author Colette Fehr joins the show to unpack one of the most misunderstood relationship patterns: conflict avoidance. Drawing from attachment science, her own divorce, and years of clinical experience, Colette explains why staying quiet leads to resentment, emotional distance, anxiety, and even physical illness.
This conversation is especially powerful for women who are strong, capable, emotionally intelligent—and still find themselves self-silencing in their most important relationship.
We talk about:
-Why avoiding conflict creates disconnection (not peace)
-How resentment builds when needs go unspoken
-The difference between “being quiet” and being avoidant
-Why emotional intimacy requires vulnerability, not perfection
-How attachment science explains our fear of hard conversations
-Practical tools for communicating clearly without blame or reactivity
-What to do when your partner doesn’t respond or meet you halfway
If you’ve ever thought “it’s not worth bringing up”, this episode may change everything.
📘 Colette’s book: The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love -- https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book
📲 Find Colette on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ColetteJaneFehr
Follow Keesha: https://www.instagram.com/keeshawscott
Learn More: https://keeshascott.com/
00:00 – Introduction
01:00 – Colette’s personal story: divorce, self-silencing & starting over
03:30 – Why conflict avoidance feels safe—but isn’t
05:35 – Early signs you’re avoiding conflict
08:00 – Why strong, outspoken women lose their voice in relationships
11:00 – The cost of “keeping the peace”
13:00 – Self-connected communication explained
15:50 – Attachment science & why conflict feels threatening
18:00 – Where to start if you’ve avoided conflict for years
21:00 – The “negative partner story” & how resentment forms
24:10 – What to do when your partner doesn’t respond
28:00 – Staying vs. leaving: making empowered decisions
30:30 – Why hard conversations strengthen all relationships
33:00 – Where to find Colette & her book
View all episodes
By Keesha Scott
4.4
77 ratings
What if the thing you believe is protecting your relationship is actually what’s slowly destroying it?
In this episode of Cake for Dinner, couples therapist and author Colette Fehr joins the show to unpack one of the most misunderstood relationship patterns: conflict avoidance. Drawing from attachment science, her own divorce, and years of clinical experience, Colette explains why staying quiet leads to resentment, emotional distance, anxiety, and even physical illness.
This conversation is especially powerful for women who are strong, capable, emotionally intelligent—and still find themselves self-silencing in their most important relationship.
We talk about:
-Why avoiding conflict creates disconnection (not peace)
-How resentment builds when needs go unspoken
-The difference between “being quiet” and being avoidant
-Why emotional intimacy requires vulnerability, not perfection
-How attachment science explains our fear of hard conversations
-Practical tools for communicating clearly without blame or reactivity
-What to do when your partner doesn’t respond or meet you halfway
If you’ve ever thought “it’s not worth bringing up”, this episode may change everything.
📘 Colette’s book: The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love -- https://www.colettejanefehr.com/new-book
📲 Find Colette on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ColetteJaneFehr
Follow Keesha: https://www.instagram.com/keeshawscott
Learn More: https://keeshascott.com/
00:00 – Introduction
01:00 – Colette’s personal story: divorce, self-silencing & starting over
03:30 – Why conflict avoidance feels safe—but isn’t
05:35 – Early signs you’re avoiding conflict
08:00 – Why strong, outspoken women lose their voice in relationships
11:00 – The cost of “keeping the peace”
13:00 – Self-connected communication explained
15:50 – Attachment science & why conflict feels threatening
18:00 – Where to start if you’ve avoided conflict for years
21:00 – The “negative partner story” & how resentment forms
24:10 – What to do when your partner doesn’t respond
28:00 – Staying vs. leaving: making empowered decisions
30:30 – Why hard conversations strengthen all relationships
33:00 – Where to find Colette & her book
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