Conflict Owner's Manual

Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them, you're being conflict competent. 

You can be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it. 
show notes:
episode 135: What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0WqsOA1T0I&t=34s

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to believe the fact or not. For example, are you inclined to disbelief facts stated by a politician you don't like, and believe the facts of politicians you like? 

 There are better questions to ask than whether you or your opponent believes the one set of true facts.

Show notes:

episode 24: Who is correct when opinions differ? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zGxGYPFaYs&t=28s

episode 42: What connects assumptions, beliefs and intentions in conflicts? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kuJFFWOxng

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions: 
what's your reason for getting along with the difficult person; 
how can you be curious about the difficult person's perspective; and 
where is the interaction with the difficult person happening?
With your goal, their perspective, and the context, you have the skills to not get into a conflict.

Show notes:
Episode #38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bjA0DMhjh4
Episode #40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJSQcOGeQFI&t=1s
Episode #114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=4s

In these videos, we show you how to be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you are doing it. Everyone benefits when you are being conflict competent.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Is there a gap between the conflict you have and the skills you own to deal with that conflict? If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, you'll want to find your skill gaps to fill them. We discuss how to find, fix, and fill your skills gap.
A conflict at home is different from conflict at work or with friends. It's good to have the skills to manage every conflict you might face. Is there a gap in your conflict skills?

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. 
Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action. 
If you want use your thoughts and fears competently in conflicts, I show you the steps for turning your fears into allies rather than adversaries. You improve the quality of your relationships when you acknowledge your fears, act the way you want to show up, and take ownership of your mindset.

Show notes:
Episode 47: Train your brain for conflict competence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUaTuyS6v4c&t=2s

Research about your thoughts and beliefs changing your mindset:
Dr. Alia Crum: https://stanfordmag.org/contents/better-believe-it
Dr. Geoffry Hinton: https://alumni.utoronto.ca/news/dr-geoffrey-hinton-how-ai-can-support-childrens-learning

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.

You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last review your beliefs about conflict? Or considered your conflict style? Or reflected on your approach to conflict? Has it been a while? Start here, start now, and improve the quality of your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up your conflict skills? Here are suggestions for making it easier to improve your conflict competencies.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. 
But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win? 
When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of practicing better skills to not have arguments and to amicably resolve any that you do have.
You change your pattern to conflict competency and that is the success. If you feel like your attempt 'failed' it means you haven't succeeded YET. If you practice while you're calm, you can become conflict competent, even in the pressure of a conflict.

Send us a text, leave a comment, ask a question. We love hearing from you.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.

*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The actions are mutual.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.