Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help non-defensiveness. Combine, rearrange, and use these five in ways that work for you. They are not all the skills you need, but practice them, and you're on your way to improving your conflict competence, and the quality of your relationships.

Show notes of the five conflict competencies:

1. Listening: Episode 70 is one of a few about listening  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6__TLF-bfo
2. Perspective taking: We have a few episodes about perspective taking
The latest is 114 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGq2mHa9Zk&t=2s
3. Questioning: Start with episode 77 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zXuOFfhuZU
4. Managing expectations Episode 17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KgCsCR9xis
5. Non judgment: Episode 85 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fbENxFhQF0&t=7s

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for dealing with conflict in which you are the sole active participant. 

Show notes:
Episode 15; Has conflict really ended your relationship?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDUc2mM1vtw
Dr. Daniel Kahneman, peak end bias https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/facts/ 
https://thedecisionlab.com/thinkers/economics/daniel-kahneman

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.

With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict competencies to Improve the quality of your relationships, learn new skills, and break unhelpful conflict patterns. 

If you enjoy using fiction to practice conflict skills, check out my Substack posts because that's the motherload: https://substack.com/home/post/p-167675464

Show notes:
Other episodes that discuss popular culture to practice conflict competencies are numbers 75, 87, and 104.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the conflict heats up.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict? 

You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers rise. We share the conflict competencies that can change that script so the escalation doesn't happen.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need fine-tuning. With consistency, you can change an undesirable conflict pattern, even if the other person isn't aware of your effort until you decide to tell them.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are misunderstood and judged. Maybe you're right; or maybe you're misunderstanding and judging. Your thoughts and beliefs direct your actions, so it's a conflict competence to pay attention to them. Here are three automatic thought biases to be aware of, with suggestions to help you own them.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing topics, and suggest sample questions that turn the division into conversation.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it? 
We show how to use Perspective Taking to turn differences in opinions and values into conversations before they become conflicts.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend? 

Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give for free. Despite costing nothing and improving much, listening can be rare in relationships. We discuss some conflict competencies for listening better, because listening improves the quality of relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.