Conflict Owner's Manual

Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a principle or giving in when you prevent a conflict. But, when you prevent a conflict, people can feel less tense around you, they don't make you the villain in their story. So, be the one to reach out, who tries to understand, and asks what you can do to repair a problem before it's a conflict. Relationship repair is easier the earlier it's done.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach?

Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to asking about yourself. How are you showing up in the conflict? Are you being the version of yourself in conflict that you want to be? What are the questions to ask yourself that will get you the quality of relationship you want to have? We discuss how we coach ourselves, as examples.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them when you wind up in a conflict? 

I show you four conflict skills you already own, and then how to use them so your mind doesn’t go blank when you most need your conflict skills. Because when you own your conflict skills, you can then change the conflict.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship? 

Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome you want. Doing conflict well is a process of using your conflict skills,  staying curious and open minded. Getting the outcome you prefer means you've persuaded someone you're right or that they should do what you want. 

Doing conflict well, improves relationships. Getting the one outcome you want gets you the outcome you thought you wanted, even if a different outcome might have satisfied everyone better, including you. If you let go of pursuing the one outcome you want, you open more possibilities.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use silence to decline the invitation to fight and improve the quality of your relationship.  

Show notes
TYPES OF SILENCE: https://covisioning.com/9-types-of-silence-and-the-impact-of-each-one/

IMPORTANCE OF SILENCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBj4Xzpi14U

MEET JOE BLACK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqmms1pl6T0

A FEW GOOD MEN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYPD6TtFJqU

BACK TO THE FUTURE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLL3VYEj0vk

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict. 

How old are your current beliefs about what conflict should be like? 

If you examine your beliefs about what conflict "should" be, you can decide which beliefs help you be conflict competent.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

What people believe is how they behave. 
If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs. 
Same belief. Same behaviour. 
Nothing changes, but the arguments can turn into a power struggle that frustrates everyone.
If that person is a gatekeeper, that is, someone whose decisions and rules affect you, then you want the gatekeeper to listen to you. Here's a way to be heard, and understood.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relationship?

We show the difference between no conflict because the relationship is fine, and no conflict because you aren't communicating about what's important. We discuss what to do after you know which is getting in the way of improving your relationships.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts. 
When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better? 
What if you got better at managing the conflicts you have? Becoming better at conflict is possible, and you do it with your own brain's operating system update.
Your general beliefs about conflict can get out of date, and if you still follow them, you repeat the same exhausting, failing conflict pattern. 
I help you apply the insights to your conflict skill building. You'll improve the quality of your relationships.

show notes:

Queensbury rules of fair play in boxing https://www.qrulesboxing.com/history,University of Chicago principles for fairness in free speech https://freeexpression.uchicago.edu/
Iowa model to give fair feedback on creative writing https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/subject_specific_writing/creative_writing/teachers/workshop_creative_writing_guide/the_iowa_model.html 

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better.
Here's how you can use that information to increase your conflict competence, and improve the quality of your relationships. 
And, for fun, we added an end clip of Tyson and Deborah before recording the episode discussing how they'll talk about the topic.

Send us a text. We love hearing from you.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.