Couplehood

“You are the secure base for your children. If you’re not good, then it filters down to your kids.”

—  Allison Villa

While the stigma against therapy has fallen quite a bit over the last few decades as more people are accepting its benefits in terms of mental and emotional health, many couples still hesitate to commit to working on their relationship with a professional, for a few different reasons.

Throughout my time as a psychotherapist and relationship expert, I’ve noticed three questions in particular that come up for people considering couples therapy:

What if we can’t afford it?

What if we can’t find the time for it?

What if my partner isn’t onboard with talking about their feelings with a stranger?

These are all very valid concerns — and after experiencing the challenges of going through my own couples therapy with my husband, I knew that I had to come up with accessible options to help other parents!

This episode is all about the obstacles that can prevent couples from getting the support that they want and need — and the online solutions that they can turn to right now!

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• Why I took my practice online long before the pandemic turned the world virtual
• How the Couples Sandbox can help you reconnect with the play and passion in your relationship 
• How to use the insights and practices learned through solo therapy to strengthen your connection with your partner 

“I’m all about small steps having a big impact.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:24  Introduction

01:45  My couples therapy story

07:31  Therapy solutions

09:11  Virtual therapy

11:02  Couples Sandbox

14:12  Partner hesitation

15:42  Recap

16:32  Couplehood podcast

 ‌ 

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“What does emotional foreplay look like to you?”

—  Allison Villa

In any long-term relationship, there will be periods where sexual frequency shifts. This can be tied to medical issues, stress, changes in mental health, changes in workload, having young children, or life just getting in the way.

While many couples worry that having less sex automatically means that their relationship is in trouble, that’s far from the truth! These ebbs and flows are a natural part of being in a long-term couple, just as each couple moves through each of the four relationship seasons. 

Not only is having less sex not inherently harmful to your couple, but “intimacy” goes beyond just physical intimacy — there are five different types of intimacy that you can practice with your partner, and each piece contributes to your connection and the health of your relationship. In fact, these acts of emotional foreplay can hugely heighten the connection and pleasure you feel during physical intimacy!

This episode is all about looking beyond sex to strengthen your intimacy through the “in-between” moments, finding new ways to connect, and unlocking new areas of exploration. 

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• The 5 different types of intimacy and the roles that they play in your couple 
• How emotional foreplay can greatly elevate your moments physical intimacy
• 3  conversation starters that you can use to bring up the topic of intimacy with your partner

“We all need to be seen as individuals outside of our role as parents.”

—  Allison Villa

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Highlights:‌ ‌

00:23  Introduction

01:21  Let’s talk about sex

03:19  Beyond sex

04:24  Emotional intimacy

06:53  Affection & touch

08:47  Intellectual intimacy

09:13  Spiritual & creative intimacy

11:07  3 conversation starters 

13:08  Recap

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Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Words and actions are the ultimate way to build trust in your relationship.”

—  Allison Villa

What’s the ultimate make-or-break when it comes to enjoying a healthy and successful relationship?

Trust.

Trust is absolutely essential for maintaining a strong and connected bond with your partner. It’s the foundation to every relationship, and small cracks in that foundation can add up over time... and eventually cause your couple to crumble.

Trust isn’t only broken through major betrayals, such as extramarital affairs or serious lies about finances. 

In fact, a partner doesn’t need to deliberately lie in order to damage trust. It may also be eroded through small, frequent micro-moments, such as promising to sign the kids up for a class and then forgetting, making other plans on a date night, or straying from an agreed-upon parenting technique.

Losing trust in your partner can make you feel less confident about your couple. Rebuilding that trust can help you feel more safe and secure with one another. This week, I am sharing how trust can be damaged — and built up — in your relationship, with practical examples and one powerful action item!

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• Why tiny day-to-day micro-moments can work to erode trust in your couple
• How broken or damaged trust can send your couple into the Coping season 
• The #1 action item that will help you build and show trust in your relationship

“Empty words with no action break down trust.”

—  Allison Villa

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Highlights:‌ ‌

00:23  Introduction

01:50  Eroding trust through micro-moments

03:52  Trust & the Coping Season

05:40  Small things matter

07:22  Relationship seasons

08:42  Addressing micro-moments

09:46  Rebuilding trust

12:10  Recap

 ‌ 

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“What do you need to feel good, and what does that look like in action?”

—  Allison Villa

Today’s topic is something that comes up a lot in both individual and couples therapy. It’s an issue that affects all types of relationships, from romantic to familial to professional. And it’s one that a lot of people struggle with, and even feel guilty about.

Today, I want to talk about boundaries and resentment.

People set physical and emotional limits regarding how they want other people to behave around them in order to keep themselves feeling safe and respected. Boundaries are incredibly personal — and each person in a couple may have very different boundaries around certain topics or actions!

Resentment shows up when we feel that others have crossed our boundaries — whether or not we’ve been clear about setting them. Sometimes, we don’t even discover that we need a boundary until we start feeling uncomfortable or frustrated in a relationship.

This week, I am giving you all the tools you need to identify where the lines should be drawn in your life, and to set and communicate clear, reasonable boundaries.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• Real-life examples of the differing ways that people can set boundaries in their relationships
• 3 simple action items to help you set necessary boundaries in your own life  
• That boundaries don’t have to be static — don’t be afraid to shift them as needed!

“When you don’t set boundaries, it often gets internalized as resentment.”

—  Allison Villa

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Highlights:‌ ‌

00:28  Introduction

01:27  Boundaries

02:49  Resentment

03:56  Cycling example

06:42  The process

07:20  Bedtime example

08:00  Work example

09:20  Set boundaries early

10:02  Get clear on your boundaries

11:18  Set the boundary

13:45  Boundaries aren’t static

14:45  Recap

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Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“It’s not so much about it being your idea. You want it to become their idea.”

—  Allison Villa

Have you ever wanted to make a change in your lifestyle, relationship, or parenting style? Discovering a new parenting technique, sleep routine, or diet can be exciting — but often the challenge lies in getting your partner as excited about the shift as you are.

This episode tackles the big question: how do you best get your partner onboard with making a change?

(This is one of the most frequently asked questions I get from my clients and followers!)

I’m not going to talk about persuasion techniques or sneaky psychological tricks. When proposing a change to your partner, whether it’s a months-long family sabbatical or trying a gluten-free diet to benefit their health, it’s important that you take an honest, respectful, and patient approach.

The truth is that everyone has a different timeline when it comes to making peace with change, and your partner’s timeline may not match up to yours exactly — but that’s totally okay!

This episode breaks the process down into three simple, practical action items that will help you communicate your thoughts about the change, create space for your partner to develop their own positive feelings about it, and ultimately bring you closer together through affirming your choices together.

This will be a beautiful process for your couple, and I can’t wait for you to get started!

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• The deeper psychological responses triggered by the idea of change
• Why everyone has a different timeline for becoming receptive — and how to plant the initial seed
• The importance of affirming and celebrating your shared vision together

“You need to let it be their idea. You plant the seed and then you leave it to sprout.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:24  Introduction

01:58  Sabbatical example

02:49  Gluten-free example

04:14  Plant the seed

08:32  Be patient with timelines

10:49  Affirmation & celebration

12:33  Approach it as equals

13:01  Recap

     ‌

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Your love lives on through your kids.”

—  Allison Villa

If you’re a regular listener of this podcast, I know that you prioritize your romantic relationship. But what you may not know is that love really IS eternal. (Or, at least, a lot more long-lasting than you may have thought).

This bite-sized episode explores the science and research that has shown that the love that you and your partner share lives on through your kids. Potentially, the love that you show one another and the love that you show your children today will echo on throughout many future generations.

And this is true on a physical level.

Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviours and environment may actually affect the way that your genes work, through changing the way that your body reads your genes — and part of that research has centred on how these changes can be passed down to your children... and even your grandchildren! 

And the way that you and your partner demonstrate love? That’s definitely a piece of the puzzle. 

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

✔   The concept of epigenetics and what it means in the context of passing on your love

✔   The six lifestyle factors that can affect the way that your body reads your genes

✔   The Parents in Love movement — and why so many people are choosing to join

“How you are loved as a child changes your DNA.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:24  Introduction.

01:45  Science of epigenetics.

02:21  Cancer gene example.

03:06  Lifestyle factors, epigenetics, and love.

04:11  Cherry blossom and mice experiment.

04:42  Nutrition, exercise, and love.

05:39  The Parents in Love movement.

06:21  Your affirmation.

   ‌

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Cherry blossoms and mice study  

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fearful-memories-passed-down 

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“How we shift our words impacts how we show up in that relationship.”

—  Allison Villa

Today’s topic is something really simple… but also really powerful: this episode explores exactly why words matter.

Being fluent in communication is definitely a relationship superpower! How you speak to and with your partner (and how you speak ABOUT your partner to others in your life) impacts your couple in significant ways. 

You’ve heard the statement “Thoughts become things?”

The same goes for words.

Our words are energetic and powerful.  Once spoken, they become real — whether they convey simple dinner plans or our deepest beliefs about our partner. Words and perception are closely linked. This is true for both the way that our words cause us to see other people and the way that our words can cause other people to see themselves.

Shifting our words impacts how we show up in our relationships… even when the words are said to other people. 

There are simple, everyday techniques that you can use to heal your perspective, strengthen your relationships, and even build up your own self esteem. Ready to get started? All you need to do is press play.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

✔   How your words can shape the person your child will eventually become — and how shifting the message can change the way you relate to them

✔  3 steps to healing your words and perspective in your relationship

✔  The importance of giving grace and making space to be human (for both you and your partner)

“How you speak about your relationship to others is precious. It’s important. It matters.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:23  Introduction.

01:19  Why are words so important?

02:38  The impact of shifting the message.

05:39  What are your thoughts about your partner?

08:11  Make space to be human.

08:37  How do you speak about your partner?

10:35  Find your safe people.

11:53  Don’t forget to verbalize the positive.

13:26  Speaking in front of kids.

14:08  Overcoming the challenge.

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Resiliency doesn’t happen by accident.”

—  Allison Villa

It’s pretty common to hear people reassure each other (or themselves) with the phrase “Don’t worry, kids are resilient.” This saying is used as a way to minimize the effects of trauma, hardship, or stress on growing minds. It implies that resilience, the ability to bounce back without too many lasting effects, is an innate trait that all children are born with. It assumes that going through hard things just makes kids stronger automatically.

In fact, this isn’t actually the case. This common saying is not only inaccurate and reductionistic, but actually dangerous.

Resilience is something that must be learned and nurtured through a secure attachment bond — it doesn’t just develop on its own! And while resilience is an especially timely and important concept right now, developing resilience is extremely valuable for maintaining mental health in general! And childhood is by far the best time to do it.

There are many life events or circumstances that can strongly impact a child, from changing schools to moving to losing or being unable to visit a loved one. In this episode, I share a personal story from my own life about the pandemic lockdown which illustrates the importance of building resilience in children. You’ll also learn simple but powerful techniques that you can use to help your child develop this important skill!

There is never a better time to start developing resilience than right now. So let’s get started.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

✔  What resilience actually is — and how it’s developed through the caregiver-child bond

✔  The importance of moving through difficult situations WITH your children

✔  Actionable tools that you can use to help your children build resilience 

“Our children have had a lot of things taken away from them over the past year.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:28  Introduction.

01:20  Personal pandemic story.

06:21  Help yourself as well as your child.

07:30  “Kids are resilient” is harmful.

09:14  How resilience develops.

11:20  Move through experiences together.

13:18  Show with words and actions.  

14:05  Be aware and make time.

15:41  Model communication.

17:09  Recap.

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Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

  Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When I’m being intentional… our relationship feels stronger.”

—  Lianne Kim

Are you or your partner an entrepreneur? If so, this episode will be especially helpful for you!

Building a business can take up a lot of room in our lives, in terms of both time and emotional space. But it’s important that we don’t forget to weave connection and intimacy into our lives — it’s vital that we nurture our couple just as we nurture our growing businesses!

My special guest for this episode is Lianne Kim, business coach and founder of Mamas & Co., an online community that provides support to mama entrepreneurs. Lianne is not only a savvy businesswoman, but she’s also a strong believer in taking intentional action within her relationship in order to strengthen it.

This episode explores what happens when entrepreneurship meets couplehood — and the challenges that come up when you’re building up a business and a relationship simultaneously. You’ll hear Lianne’s personal story about her entrepreneurial journey and how wanting to create a living on her own terms affected her relationship. You’ll find out why you shouldn’t be afraid of your (or your partner’s) changing dreams and desires. And you’ll learn Lianne’s top tips for building a joyful business. 

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

✔   The importance of small, regular, intentional actions and moments of authenticity in strengthening your relationship  (with examples)

✔   Why and how you should build play, self care, and creativity into the way that you run your business  

✔  Your special discount code to purchase Lianne’s incredible book!  

“When I’m prioritizing ‘me’ time… I get my best ideas and beautiful connections.”

—  Lianne Kim

 ‌ 

Highlights:‌ ‌

00:22  Introduction.

02:13  Meet Lianne Kim.

04:50  Ongoing work and intentional action.

07:36  Love languages and areas of growth.

08:46  Lianne’s relationship/entrepreneurial journey.

12:14  Fears and communication. 

14:04  Moments of authenticity and changing desires.

17:44  Building a Joyful Business.

20:14  Importance of play and creativity.

23:58  Entrepreneurs and self-fulfillment.

26:49  Joy isn’t 24/7.

29:08  Family time and conversation-starters.

30:21  The Sandbox.

31:06  Impact of a joyful business on a relationship.

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Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Lianne Kim  

https://www.liannekim.com/book (Promo: COUPLEHOOD)

https://www.mamasandco.com  

https://www.facebook.com/liannekimcoach  

Instagram: @liannekimcoach  

The Business of Thinking Big podcast

https://open.spotify.com/show/4CtmkrCqJQNsE70y3xwRdx 

Work With Me: https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram: https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When you’re tired, there’s a lot of things that you’re unable to do.”

—  Allison Villa

How do we connect meaningfully with our partners when we are just so tired?

While being a parent can be one of the most wonderful and fulfilling experiences, it can also be exhausting — physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

It can be very easy to put off reconnecting with your partner until you feel less tired, but you may find that days turn into weeks (or even months) before you realize it. And you’re still tired.

It can be a challenge to find that extra energy to connect with your partner when you’re giving so much of yourself to your children, but it’s so important for your couple.

This episode is all about practical, actionable tips to help you and your partner support each other in parenthood, reduce your levels of stress and exhaustion, and create new space for connection.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How you and your partner can help each other enjoy better sleep and have more energy throughout the day 
• 3 simple ways that you can show each other love — even when you’re exhausted 
• Why a daily gratitude practice is such an effective way to connect 

“What is one small action that you can take to show your partner that you care?”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:26  Parenting is exhausting
• 01:30  Sleep is the foundation
• 03:13  Speak your gratitude
• 04:22  Name what you miss
• 05:40  One small action
• 06:36  Action items recap

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!