Couplehood

“We are spending more time with our immediate family — with our children and with our partner.”

—  Allison Villa

Space is absolutely essential to your relationship health.

And this is never more true than when living in lockdown.

When I say space, I’m talking about personal space. While humans are social creatures by nature and are meant to live in a community, we do need to create space for ourselves — space from our partners and space from our obligations.

In the past, communities and extended families would share the responsibilities for raising children and providing food. Men would often leave for hours, days, or weeks to hunt, and nursing mothers would care for one another’s babies. There was a natural support system built into the life of our ancestors, and the sharing of chores and childrearing allowed people to have some space from their partners and children. 

The shift to the modern nuclear family has taken away much of this support and space. And with the onset of the pandemic and lockdown, we’ve even lost the space of having one or both partners leaving the house to work and the children going to school or daycare.

Now, many of us are spending more time together than ever before.

Our relationships need space. Each relationship is like a flame... and personal space is the oxygen that keeps them burning.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• The different forms that personal space can take — and why it’s so important to identify exactly what you need
• Practical examples of what daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly personal space can look like
• Three action items to help you identify and create the space your couple needs

“When we’re apart from people, we appreciate each other more.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:00  Communities & space in the past
• 02:11  Modern life 
• 03:01  Lockdown & lack of space
• 04:01  What is personal space?
• 05:03  What can space look like?
• 07:36  Resentment, anxiety & ambivalence
• 08:54  The retreat 
• 11:08  The weekends away
• 13:59  Space is a gift
• 15:25  3 action items

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When I’m referring to control, I’m referring to when you are pulled to wanting to control yourself, control your environment, or control the behavior of others.”

—  Allison Villa

In times of stress or uncertainty, people may develop new behaviors as a way to regain a sense of control. Often, people raised in certain situations develop these behaviors as a way to compensate. This episode looks at control issues — why they develop, what they look like, how they affect our relationships, and what we can do to heal them. 

Control issues range from mild to severe. They can look like trying to control yourself or your environment, as in compulsive tidying or arranging or picky eating. They can also be more harmful, such as disordered eating, compulsive exercising, substance abuse, obsessive cleaning, or self harm.

Control issues can also manifest as trying to control another person, as in micromanaging, being overprotective, or helicopter parenting. 

Depending on the degree and frequency, these issues can create ruptures in the fabric of a relationship. 

People who have control issues often don’t want to be controlling! They feel shame and frustration about their behavior, often don’t understand what leads them to behave that way, and are afraid that they may end up losing their relationship.

The good news is that control issues can aren’t forever. There are steps that you can take right now to start you on the path to healing.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How many control issues initially take root — and why it’s so important to understand where they come from 
• Two simple ways to help yourself start to let go of your control issues 
• How to create micro-moments that retrain your brain to let go of control

“If you took on that parent role as a young person, you might have those control issues now.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:04  What do control issues look like?
• 02:37  Control issues within relationships
• 03:25  Where do control issues come from?
• 05:03  Discovering your control issue’s root
• 06:37  Micro-moments & choosing to let go

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“The truth is that Covid is straining relationships because there is so much uncertainty around us and that puts us in a state of stress.”

—  Allison Villa

After spending over a year in a state of uncertainty and fear, and dealing with lockdowns, Zoom schooling, and working from home, many of us are deeply feeling a sense of pandemic fatigue… and a new level of strain in our personal relationships.

With so much going on around us, it’s only natural that we feel a sense of pressure and are experiencing a lack of energy. 

As time and energy become ever more precious commodities, it’s more important than ever to be intentional in how we use them.

Especially when so many of us are struggling with loved ones whose views on Covid don’t align with our own.

The unfortunate fact is that most of us will experience a major change in our relationships throughout this time. It’s important to remember that we can continue to love people from afar, even if we cannot engage in a healthy way on a more regular basis. 

This episode is all about providing you with communication strategies that you can use to help maintain your closest relationships throughout the rest of the pandemic, including how to listen to understand another’s viewpoint and set loving boundaries.

I also include examples of how to effectively communicate your feelings about another’s actions without hostility, blame, or shame.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• Two ingredients for effective communication and the #1 magic phrase 

• The importance of holding space for different perspectives

• Three action steps to take this week regarding your Covid-affected relationships 

“You are allowed to have a reaction to someone else’s action.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌Highlights:‌ ‌

00:28  Today’s hot topic 

01:56  What are your most important relationships?

03:59  The two parts of communication

05:57  Be open to adapting to new ideas

07:06  Hold space for different perspectives

08:28  Set loving boundaries

10:46  Uncertainty is unsettling

11:13  Your three action steps

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“It’s so valuable to know that we’re on the same team… same goal, same vision.”

—  Leah

Welcome to the fourth episode of my limited Sandbox Spotlight series, featuring interviews with real-life couples talking about their real-life experiences with couples therapy!

In this series, we dive deep into true stories of dealing with relationship stresses, navigating the four relationship seasons, and learning how to communicate as a couple more effectively.

If you haven’t listened to my episodes on the relationship seasons, I recommend you check them out first!

My guests for this episode are Leah and Doug. They’ve been together for 20 years, have a nine-year-old son, and joined the Sandbox about a year ago.

When they joined Sandbox, they were already in a solid place in their relationship and had done a lot of personal growth work separately. 

What was new for them was doing that growth work together.

Leah and Doug sat down for this interview while living out of an Airbnb and waiting to move into their brand new home, a life event that can create stress for a relationship.

In this interview, we discuss the importance of having a shared vision, baking self care into daily life, and asking for what you need in the moment.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How they manage to stay in the Connected and Confident seasons — even while selling their house and moving in the middle of a pandemic 
• The different types of intimacy and the importance of naming them 
• What love really looks like in action — and how to help it thrive

“She reminds me to stop and breathe and focus on the larger vision.”

—  Doug

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:24  Sandbox Spotlight
• 01:53  Meet Leah and Doug
• 03:07  Finding your season in a hectic time
• 06:16  The missing intimacy
• 08:55  Working toward the same shared vision
• 11:08  Leah and Doug’s shared vision
• 14:26  What love looks like in action
• 16:02  Self care baked into daily life
• 18:23  Couple’s Sandbox
• 21:58  Say what you need in the moment
• 24:35  Gratitude

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Just being open to communicating and proactive in our relationship really made sure we didn’t get to those breaking points.”

—  Kat

This is the third  episode of my limited Sandbox Spotlight series, which features interviews with real-life couples talking about their real-life experiences navigating the four relationship seasons, developing better communication skills, and deepening their connection.

If you haven’t listened to my episodes on the relationship seasons, I recommend you check them out first!

My guests for this episode are Kat and Brad, who have been together for four years and are raising their one-year-old and Brad’s eight-year-old son. 

While Kat and Brad are currently in the Connected season, they were recently in the Coping season due to numerous life events that happened over the last year, including the loss of Brad’s mother, the birth of their new baby, and Brad’s job being transformed to work-from-home — three very impactful events. 

Being home together for 24 hours each day with a newborn could have been a huge challenge for the two of them. Proactively using the tools they learned through the Couple’s Sandbox community helped them avoid breaking points, and Kat credits their desire to be happy together as a major motivation to work together to address issues. 

In this interview, Kat and Brad talk about being proactive in taking care of their relationship, how they dealt with Brad work-from-home shift, and how listening to other couples has helped to deepen their own connection.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How Kat and Brad managed to move from the Coping season to the Connected season in the middle of a pandemic 
• Why being able to identify your relationship season makes such a huge difference in your communication 
• Why proactive couple care is just as important as self care

“There’s nothing wrong with the season that you’re in and we can move forward together.”

—  Brad ‌

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:24  The Sandbox Spotlight
• 01:50  Meet Kat and Brad
• 03:30  New motherhood & work-from-home
• 04:28  Changing relationship seasons during a pandemic
• 06:01  The impact of understanding the seasons
• 07:19  Being present
• 08:44  Self care & couple care
• 09:45  Be proactive
• 10:25  Couple’s Sandbox
• 12:38  Virtual skills & lighting
• 13:57  Creating love habits
• 15:50  Gratitude

 ‌Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Before the pandemic, I was a completely different person.”

—  Cecilia

If you’re a couple that’s had a major lifestyle change during the pandemic, this will be a useful episode for you!

This is the second episode of my limited Sandbox Spotlight series, which features interviews with real-life couples talking about their real-life experiences moving through the relationship seasons with total honesty.

If you haven’t listened to my episodes on the relationship seasons, I recommend you check them out first!

In this series, we explore how couples deal with relationship stresses and learn how to communicate more effectively.

My guests for this episode are Cecilia and Joey, who have been together for over 8 years and are raising three children between the ages of four and eight.

Cecilia and Joey were in the Coping season when they first joined Couple’s Sandbox a few months ago. Now, the pair are enjoying the Connected season, and on the verge of Confident.

In this interview, we talk about how the couple have kept their focus on their relationship through major lifestyle changes and overcoming bad habits… and have come out stronger than ever!

I would love to have you join us in the Couple’s Sandbox —  the cart will be open from May 4 to May 9, 2021 and you can find the link below! 

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How to capture that amazing ‘date night’ feeling in your day-to-day life 
• The importance of listening to yourself and identifying the aspects of your life that you need to change in order to find balance and harmony 
• How to recognize when your habits aren’t serving you or your relationship

“You can see the kids are happier, because they see that we’re happier.”

—  Joey

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:23  About Couple’s Sandbox
• 03:44  Meet Cecilia and Joey
• 06:19  Connecting day-to-day
• 07:33  Significant lifestyle changes
• 09:12  Listen to yourself
• 11:54  Consider the impacts 
• 13:07  Evaluate your habits
• 16:05  How the seasons & the Sandbox help
• 19:24  Moving into the Confident season
• 21:54  Gratitude

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Join us in the Couple’s Sandbox. The cart is open from May 4 to May 9, 2021. 

https://www.allisonvilla.com/couples-sandbox 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“It’s not easy to parent if you’re not on the same wavelength.”

—  Jake

Welcome to the first episode of the Sandbox Spotlight series, a limited series featuring interviews with real-life couples talking about their real-life experiences! In the series, we’re going to talk about their challenges, their joys, and how they successfully navigate the four relationship seasons.

If you haven’t listened to my episodes on the relationship seasons, I recommend you check them out first!

My guests for this episode are Mel and Jake, founding members of my online community the Couples Sandbox. Mel and Jake have been together for 17 years and are the parents of two toddlers. 

Mel and Jake came to me for couples counselling when they were in the Coping season — they were relieved to learn that the Coping season was temporary and to learn tools and strategize to manage the issues that came up during that season. 

Learning about the relationship seasons helped Mel and Jake understand the ways that external factors impact their relationship and how they can work together as a team to manage them with kindness and empathy. 

Joining Couple’s Tune-Up and Couple’s Sandbox helped them move from the Coping season to the Coasting season and then into the Connected season. In this interview, they look back on what they’ve learned, how they use it, and the impact it’s had on their relationship!

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How relationship tools can not only strengthen your relationship with your spouse, but also your entire family unit 
• Why it’s so important to hear other couples talk about the challenges they face and how they overcome them
• A sneak peek into how my Couples Sandbox community works — and how it can fit into your busy schedule!

“I feel like we’re closer than we’ve ever been, in many ways.”

—  Mel ‌

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:29  The Sandbox Spotlight
• 01:27  The Couples Sandbox community
• 03:54  Meet Mel & Jake
• 05:17  The journey to the Connected season
• 07:37  Reassurance & progress
• 08:45  Working as a team with kindness
• 09:59  Learning from other couples
• 13:02  The impact of connection on the family unit
• 15:14  Visions for the future
• 16:04  How they found Couple’s Tune-Up
• 20:01  ‘Marriage school’ 
• 21:15  Gratitude

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Join us in the Couple’s Sandbox. The cart is open from May 4 to May 9, 2021. 

https://www.allisonvilla.com/couples-sandbox 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“There are only two things that you need to do to make your anniversary special for you and for your kids.”

—  Allison Villa

How do you celebrate a special anniversary in a meaningful way while in the middle of a pandemic?

Anniversaries are a wonderful milestone for several reasons — they’re an opportunity to celebrate your relationship, look back on much you’ve grown together, and spend some time reconnecting on a romantic level.  

On a personal level, this is a special episode of the podcast, as my husband Arjan and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary recently!

Arjan and I spent some time last year discussing how we wanted to celebrate this milestone. We even talked about possibly taking a trip to Iceland. 

(This was before the onset of the pandemic. Obviously, we didn’t end up taking the trip, though we may still do so in the future!)

During a pandemic, dining out or traveling aren’t the easy options that they used to be, if they’re options at all. But, that’s actually okay! Because while grand gestures and big plans are a lovely way to celebrate your relationship, you do not have to go all out to mark your anniversary with meaning. 

In order to make the day meaningful for both you and your partner and for your children, you really only need to do two things: 

1. Do one thing for you and your partner as a couple.
2. Do one thing with your partner and children as a family.

In the case of couple time, you will need to ask for help from your extended family, friends, or community to make it happen, but this time spent as a couple will be so beneficial for your relationship.

Listen to the episode to learn more about the simple, meaningful things that you can do to mark your anniversary (even in lockdown), and how Arjan and I celebrated our 10 years together.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• Why it’s so important to include your kids in your anniversary celebrations
• The #1 reason why the people around you will likely be happy to help you celebrate your anniversary as a couple 
• How to let yourself be open to receiving the support that you need

“When you’re marking your anniversary, find a way to ask your community for support... If you don’t ask, then you’re not able to receive that support.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:37 10-year anniversary!
• 01:19  Mark your anniversary with meaning   
• 01:34  Help from your community
• 02:27  What it looked like for us
• 05:05  Celebrating as a family
• 07:00  Letting yourself receive support

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“I really had to look inwards… I finally started to also be honest with myself, in terms of how I was feeling.”

—  Arjan Haak

There are two sides to every story. And to drive that point home, my guest for this episode is my husband, Arjan Haak.

You first heard about Arjan during the first episode of this podcast, where I talked about my From Breakdown to Breakthrough story.

(If you haven’t yet heard it, I do recommend going back and listening to that episode first.)

As Couplehood is a podcast about, well, couplehood, I thought that it would be interesting to bring Arjan on to talk about his side of the experience.

The Breakdown to Breakthrough story began six years into our marriage, after we both reached some pretty significant milestones. We’d already gotten married, bought our own home, and had two beautiful children. But that year, I had just received my professional designation as a psychotherapist and Arjan had just landed a full-time job with benefits — two milestones that we had been working toward for some time.

Even after crossing all of these amazing milestones off the list, I felt empty and defeated.

Arjan, on the other hand, felt great.

Coming to Arjan with my feelings was scary, because I felt that it meant that we were no longer compatible as a couple.

For Arjan, receiving this information was just as challenging… but it led to an awakening.

While he initially resisted, he was eventually driven to check in with himself and acknowledge that he had some mixed feelings about where we were in our lives.

Learning how to push through avoidance and face uncomfortable truths can be the difference between strengthening your relationship… or sinking it.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• The importance of breaking out of autopilot, checking in with yourself, and honestly assessing whether you’re getting what you need  
• Why it’s vital to push through denial and avoidance when faced with challenging honesty 
• 3 action items that can take you from breakdown to breakthrough

“That is the ultimate gift to your kids — you being honest with yourself about who you are, and what joy, happiness, and success look like for you.”

—  Allison Villa

About Arjan Haak

Arjan Haak is Allison’s husband and an avid cyclist. He lives in Toronto with Allison and their two children. He is an exceptional graphic designer.

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:24  Meet Arjan Haak
• 01:30  From breakdown to breakthrough: the other side 
• 05:57  “Are you happy?”
• 08:00  Strengths & weaknesses
• 09:30  It starts with one person’s honesty
• 10:37  Coping & coasting seasons
• 12:22  Taking tough honesty seriously
• 14:57  Changing priorities & beliefs
• 17:01  Arjan’s job loss
• 19:22  From shock to hope
• 21:37  Back to Toronto 
• 23:31  Conversations leading to growth  
• 25:03  Action items

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“What are your personal rituals and routines?… You’ve already created them. So, notice them, draw attention to them, and bring them into your mindfulness practice.”

—  Allison Villa

Do you remember what it was like to live in a world that felt predictable and safe?

And would you like to be able to tap into that feeling again, whenever you need to?

Over the past year, many of us have found it challenging to feel grounded, secure, and safe — turning on the television or visiting your favorite news sites can feel like stepping onto a minefield, with frightening or even depressing news lurking behind every click or commercial break.

Last week, we went through a reflective exercise together to explore who you’ve become over the past year. This week is all about being able to go out into the world filled with confidence and security, regardless of the uncertainty and chaos around us.

The trick? Learning how to recognize and appreciate consistency in the world around you and finding comfort in the simple daily rhythms of your life.

I promise, it’s not as difficult as it may seem!

Consistency can be found in small moments of nature and daily routines — but when added up, these small moments can have a huge, positive psychological impact.

Practicing mindfulness while engaging in your day-to-day routines can actually be an incredibly grounding experience. Very often, we tend to spend much of our day on autopilot, to the point where we may not even remember making breakfast or driving to the store!

Simply being mindful in the moment can help you feel more connected to your surroundings, your activities, and the people around you.

In this episode, I want to provide you with some tools and action items that you can use every single day to nurture connection and develop a sense of security and groundedness.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• The two areas to look at first when searching for consistency in the world 
• How to transition from autopilot to mindfulness in your daily routines and rituals
• The magic of creating new family rituals — and the incredible connection they can foster

“I am so present when I am walking along the river and I can see how the river is just continuing to flow, no matter what is going on.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:23  Dealing with uncertainty
• 01:17  Spending time in nature
• 03:51  Consistency is for the birds (and pets)
• 04:30  Your personal rituals and routines
• 05:25  Mindfulness v autopilot
• 06:20  Starting new family rituals
• 07:27  Questions to reflect on

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!