Couplehood

“I really believe in the power of reflecting on milestones, because they can help us to grow and better understand ourselves.”

—  Allison Villa

The last year has been a big year for all of us — and that may be the biggest understatement I’ve made so far in 2021!

Having the ability to look back and reflect is important, whether you’re looking back on a year of pandemic chaos, a particularly challenging month, or even just a difficult conversation. 

Reflecting on our milestones, triumphs, and not-so-triumphant experiences can help us grow and gain a better understanding of ourselves and our situation — and even if it can sometimes be hard, there’s real power in this practice.

In this episode of the Couplehood podcast, I’ll lead you through a reflective practice that will help you understand how the last year has affected or shifted who you are as a person. 

The time of reflection is not a time for judgment. We’re not here to think poorly about our choices and actions, and we’re also not here to pat ourselves on the back. 

Instead, reflection is about being curious and uncovering the impacts that our experiences have had on us, both internally and externally.

And after a year that’s been distinguished by massive global collective grief, there’s definitely a lot to reflect upon.

Remember: none of our relationships can thrive if our relationships with ourselves are not thriving first.

So, let’s get started.

In‌ ‌this‌ ‌episode of Couplehood,‌ ‌you’ll discover:‌ ‌

• How to constructively deal with the thoughts that come up during your reflective practice 
• The 5 stages of grief and how they manifest as an ongoing process
• 3 reflective questions for you to ponder as you look back on the past year

“We’re not meant to only be with a small group of people. We are meant to engage with our community and to be around many generations and all different people who bring out different parts of us.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:48  What reflection IS (and what it shouldn’t be)
• 01:34  The 3 categories to keep in mind
• 02:01  Your emotional journey & the 5 stages of grief
• 06:45  Community & in-person connection
• 09:58  Intimate relationships & the need for space
• 11:41  Connecting with ourselves 
• 12:31  Recap
• 13:14  Questions to ponder

Links:‌ ‌ ‌

The 5 Stages of Grief

https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When you feel amazing as a couple, your kids benefit and they feel amazing too.”

—  Allison Villa

Today is the final episode in our series about the four relationship seasons. If you haven't listened to the last three episodes, make sure you do because they will give you the full picture of all four relationship seasons.

On today’s episode, we are going to dive deep into the final relationship season, which I call the Confident season. 

This season follows the connected season, where you and your partner are focused on reconnecting with yourselves as individuals, figuring out what self care looks like for you, and creating more time for your relationship.

So, how do you know if you’re in the Confident season? 

In this season, you and your partner are actively supporting each other and your own self-care practices. You’ve made it a non-negotiable in your family schedule, and the whole family is on board. 

You also have a consistent, quality couple time practice, and you’re exploring what intimacy looks like for your couple. What are the ways that we feel the most connected? And how can you deepen your connection to one another?

Listen to this episode to learn:

• How to recognize if you are in the Confident season — and how it will impact your entire family
• How to deepen your intimacy by exploring each other’s likes and dislikes — and why continuing to champion your partner’s self care is important
• Which relationship season you are in, and how to name it so that you best know how to support your couple within that season.

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:51 What is the Confident season?
• 02:54 Deepening your intimacy
• 04:38 How confidence impacts your family
• 05:40 Exploring your intimacy together
• 07:16 Moving through all of the relationship seasons
• 09:05 What season is your relationship in?
• 10:08 The free season quiz!

Links:‌ ‌

Quiz: What's Your Relationship Season?

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5f984bffa2c7af0014e9a0b7 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Quality couple time is when you are focused on each other.”

—  Allison Villa

This is episode #4 of a 5-part series on the relationship season. I recommend going back and listening to the previous episodes on the Coping and Coasting seasons, if you haven’t already.

This episode is an in-depth look at the Connected season.

When you’re in the Connected season, you and your partner have gotten really good at helping each other carve out time for self care (which is a wonderful thing to model for your children!) and setting aside quality couple time together to work on your relationship.

I don’t mean time together talking about the kids, the house, or your responsibilities.

I mean time together being curious about each other and connecting as individuals.

This could look like a date night, a conversation over breakfast, an evening walk together, or just creating space for smaller moments throughout the day to connect.

During this time, you and your partner are also aligned and working toward your family and relationship vision.

What does this look like?

This episode contains an example from my own life when my Connected season coincided with a long family road trip to Mexico, and illustrates the unusual forms that self care and alignment can take!

Listen to the episode to learn:

• How the Connected season can help you get closer to achieving your family and relationship vision 
• What goes into creating quality couple time — and why it’s so vital to carve out the space for it 
• Your #1 Connected season action item to ensure that you and your partner stay aligned and on the same page

It’s interesting how self care changes where you are in the world and where you are in your life.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:21  The Connected season
• 03:15  Your family & relationship vision
• 04:41  My own experience
• 06:10  What does self care look like?
• 07:43  Your Connected action item  
• 08:31  The free season quiz!

 ‌Links:‌ ‌

Quiz: What's Your Relationship Season?

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5f984bffa2c7af0014e9a0b7 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When you support each other in your self care, that is the ultimate act of love.”

—  Allison Villa

The past few episodes of Couplehood have been about the relationship seasons that all couples experience. If you haven’t listened to the first two episodes in this series, I recommend listening now.

It’s important to understand how these seasons work together because, just like the weather, they follow patterns and have logical transitions between them. 

This episode takes a deep dive into the second relationship season, the Coasting Season.

I like to call this season the “yellow light” season, after the traffic signal.

Just like the yellow traffic signal, you can think of the Coasting season as a caution: you don’t want to spend too much time in it before moving onto the next!

The Coasting season follows the Coping season, during which you and your partner dealt with a life event that diverted your time and resources from your relationship. 

The Coasting season is all about finding your footing again after a trying time.

Generally your focus is on reconnecting with yourself, figuring out what self care looks like for you, and creating more time for your relationship.

It’s about rebuilding a sense of normalcy after a period that felt like anything but.

Listen to the episode to learn:

• Why waiting for parenting milestones before making time for your relationship never works — and how it can lead to empty nest syndrome 
• How you can speed up your time in the Coasting season — and get to the Connected season more quickly 
• Your #1 action item for working your way through the Coasting season together

“If your children are the only thing connecting you, they feel that. It feels like a lot of pressure for them. They can’t name it, but it’s deeply, deeply subconscious.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:06  The “yellow light” season
• 02:05  What does the Coasting season look like?
• 02:48  Stop waiting for milestones
• 04:36  Being proactive v coasting
• 05:17  Transitioning from Coasting to Connected
• 06:40  Your Coasting action item
• 09:36  The free season quiz! ‌

Links:‌ ‌

Quiz: What's Your Relationship Season?

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5f984bffa2c7af0014e9a0b7 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“Every couple goes through the Coping season. And if you’re not in the Coping season right now at this moment, you’ll be there again at some point. We all go through it.”

—  Allison Villa

This episode takes a deep dive into the first of our four relationship seasons: the Coping season.

The Coping season is a rough patch in your relationship, typically caused by one or more life events pulling your time and energy away from your relationship, and sucking up your attention and resources.

External factors that can pull you into a Coping season include events like losing a job or taking a new one, having a new baby, a death in the family, a move or renovation... or a global pandemic.

Internal factors include trust breakdowns, financial problems, infidelity (physical or emotional), or even just feeling as if your partner never really hears you.

Whether voluntary or involuntary, the impact of these events is the same. You only have 24 hours in a day and only so much energy — if you give it all to one area in your life, you’re taking it away from another. 

Often, that other area is your relationship.

That doesn’t make you a bad person or even a bad partner! 

Every couple experiences the Coping season — honestly, I’d be a little concerned if you didn’t!

What matters is how you move through it… together, as a couple.

Will it weaken your bond and push you apart? Or will you use it as an opportunity for growth and even deeper connection?

Listen to the episode to learn:

• The external and internal factors that can spark the onset of a Coping season in your relationship
• How to recognize when you need community support to make it through the Coping season as parents
• The #1 tip for nurturing your connection and creating touchpoints with your partner

“The challenges in your relationship are your greatest opportunity for connection.”

—  Allison Villa

 ‌Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:17  External factors
• 03:03  Internal factors
• 04:12  The Coping season is inevitable
• 05:38  What the Coping season could look like
• 08:29  Pandemic coping
• 10:31  Lonely while together
• 11:02  Your Coping action item

Links:‌ ‌

Quiz: What's Your Relationship Season?

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5f984bffa2c7af0014e9a0b7 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“The next four episodes are going to change your life.”

—  Allison Villa

You know how to dress for the weather outside. You wouldn’t wear a tank top and shorts in the winter, and you wouldn’t wear mittens and a parka in the summer. 

Like the weather, our relationships go through seasons — and once you learn the tools to help you deal with each season’s specific issues, you’ll be ready for anything the season will throw at you.

The next four episodes of Couplehood are all about the four relationship seasons. Learning about these seasons will change the way you view your relationship and empower you and your partnership.

I came up with the relationship seasons after noticing distinct patterns in the relationships of my clients and acquaintances — and in my own.

Every relationship goes through these cyclical seasons. Once you understand what they are and why they’re happening, you’ll be able to anticipate these ebbs and flows, work through them without judgment, and come out stronger than ever.

Listen to the episode to learn:

• The four relationship seasons — what they are, what they mean, and how they work together 
• How to reflect on and recognize past relationship seasons you’ve experienced — and how it will help you going forward
• The #1 question to ask yourself right now about your relationship seasons

“Having this knowledge will empower you, it will empower your couple, it will change your world and the whole way that you view your relationship.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 01:37  Noticing patterns
• 02:37  Messy feelings
• 03:34  The relationship seasons
• 05:04  Recognize your season
• 06:02  Informed & prepared
• 07:33  Reflect & recognize
• 09:07  Couple’s Sandbox
• 09:52  Your reflective question

Links:‌ ‌

Quiz: What's Your Relationship Season?

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/5f984bffa2c7af0014e9a0b7 

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“When you are listening to your partner, I want to encourage you to listen in a way that helps you to really understand them, as opposed to getting ready to reply.”

—  Allison Villa

Are you a good listener?

Listening effectively is about more than just quietly letting someone else speak. 

It’s about consciously hearing what they have to say, instead of just waiting for your turn to reply.

It’s both an art and a vital tool for strengthening your relationship.

When it comes to communicating effectively, expressing and listening are equally important. You need to be able to help another person understand your perspective AND be able to take in and understand theirs as well. This is the full communication loop.

It won’t work with only one half of that equation!

Last week’s episode was all about learning how to express your thoughts and emotions effectively. 

This week, we’re going to focus on how to listen so that your partner will WANT to talk more and feel comfortable sharing their feelings with you.

Let me be honest: this will take some effort, but the benefit to your relationship will be incredible!

In this episode, I share my three favourite listening tips — they’re small and simple, but they have tremendous impact!

Listen to the episode to discover:

• How to show your partner through your body language that you’re engaged and listening to what they have to say 
• The incredible power of learning to push through your defensive reactions and just stay present in the moment 
• The #1 response to give every single time your partner shares their feelings with you — and amazing thing that it conveys to them

“We see each other every day, but it’s often in passing and not in an intentional way.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:30  The two sides of communication
• 01:13  Listen to hear, not to reply
• 02:41  Body language
• 04:14  No interruptions
• 05:14  The magic paraphrase
• 07:19  Sit with their discomfort
• 08:57  Recap

Links:‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com 

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“What’s important about communication is that it’s made up of two parts. The first part is expressing how you feel, and the second part is listening.”

—  Allison Villa

Real communication is made up of two equally important parts: expressing and listening. And you can’t have effective communication without having both sides!

Make no mistake — being an effective communicator is a powerful skill.

Some people are great listeners, but have a lot of trouble choosing the right words (or tone, or time) to make their true feelings known. Others have a wonderful knack for revealing their thoughts and emotions, but have some trouble really hearing what others are trying to tell them.

One thing is for sure: no matter how well you think you communicate, there is always room to grow and improve! No partnership was ever harmed by improving your communication skills.

Since both sides are so vitally important, I’m addressing each of them in their own episode.

In this episode of Couplehood, I share my top 3 favourite ways to express yourself effectively.

This episode is all about learning how to convey your thoughts and feelings clearly, respectfully, and effectively, in a way that helps other people understand your perspective. 

It’s about so much more than just choosing the right words — it’s about reframing the way that you approach sharing your feelings. 

Listen to the episode to discover:

• The magic phrase to adopt in your everyday vocabulary in order to deepen your communication — and exactly why it works so well
• Why it’s so important to be mindful of your tone of voice
• The 3 steps you need to take to repair ruptures in your relationships

“It’s equally as important to communicate how you feel when things are good as it is when things are not so good.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:38  The two sides of communication
• 01:59  The magic phrase
• 04:36  Communicate when things are good & bad
• 05:26  It’s all in the tone
• 06:30  Repairing a rupture
• 11:01  Recap

 ‌Links:‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com 

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“How do we carve out time for our relationship when we’re just processing so much ourselves as individuals and taking care of the needs of our children?”

—  Allison Villa

With the lockdown regulations constantly shifting, it’s hard to find your rhythm as a parent. Kids thrive when they have routines and dealing with work and school from home has been a huge challenge for many of us.

On top of that, many of us are feeling ‘pandemic fatigue’ after nearly a year of isolation and doom-filled news stories. 

And these added stresses can have a big impact on our relationships.

In times like these, it’s more important than ever to make time to work on your connection with your partner.

In this episode of Couplehood, I share some of my favourite simple daily and weekly actions to strengthen your relationship.

One of the most important areas to tackle is sleep.

If your children sleep through the night, you’re already winning the lottery. If you have small children who don’t sleep through the night, this already challenging situation is going to be more challenging. While you don’t have access to a wider circle of support during lockdown, you and your partner can support each other by giving each other space for naps during the day or alternating nights with the baby.

From sleep schedules to home office placement to planning out the school day, you have so many opportunities to make choices that deepen your connection.

Listen to the episode to discover:

• People-pleaser problems — and how to avoid letting them make life more challenging 
• The importance of rethinking how you use the space in your home  
• The #1 small thing that you should be putting in your schedule every single week

“The challenges in your life are your greatest opportunity for growth and deeper connection as a couple.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:32  Finding rhythm in lockdown
• 01:57  Sleep is the foundation
• 05:17  Assess & adjust
• 06:50  People-pleaser problems
• 08:02  Scheduling updates
• 09:00  Rethink your home layout
• 10:22  Do something thoughtful!
• 12:34  Recap

Links:‌ ‌

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com 

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!

“The slow emotional decline began. It was very slow ... it was a series of small moments layered on top of each other.”

—  Allison Villa

Today’s episode tackles a difficult but important topic. In it, I share my postpartum depression story.

It’s a difficult story to tell, but I share it with the hope that it will help you feel understood and show you that you CAN find your way back. 

My midwife and I discussed the possibility of postpartum depression before the birth of my second child. Neither of us expected that it would be an issue, as I’d felt fine after the birth of my first daughter.

Right after giving birth to my second daughter, I felt AMAZING. I was high on love and full of awe about what my body had just done.

But that didn’t last.

My decline into postpartum depression was gradual but devastating. 

Small things took on new significance. I remember trying to take my older daughter on the ten-minute walk to daycare in the snow. She balked at the idea. 

The loss of that simple exercise of self-care felt huge. Much bigger than it should have.

Postpartum depression makes small moments or situations feel intense and overwhelming. Over the course of a year, I started to feel more angry and impatient. It affected my physical health and relationship.

Eventually, I knew that I needed help. And I want any listeners dealing with postpartum depression to know that there is a way out.

Listen to the episode to discover:

• The terrifying depths that postpartum depression can take you to — and why it is SO important to ask for help
• How societal expectations and beauty standards can mask legitimate health issues   
• 3 simple action items to take if my story resonates with you

“There we were: these two mothers experiencing the exact same thing, but not able to recognize it or even say it out loud.”

—  Allison Villa

Highlights:‌ ‌

• 00:32  Why I’m telling my story
• 01:44  Becoming a mother of two
• 04:45  The decline
• 07:03  Postpartum intensity
• 08:12  Shellhood
• 09:24  The ramp-up & bodily changes
• 12:36  The wine
• 13:59  My expectations v my reality
• 16:06  The breaking point 
• 18:28  The recovery
• 20:04  Be ready & able to receive
• 21:54  It can happen to anyone
• 23:12  Action items

Links:‌ ‌

‘What I Wish Every Mother Knew About Postpartum Depression’
https://www.allisonvilla.com/posts-for-blog/2019/1/30/heres-what-i-wish-every-mom-knew-about-postpartum-depression-a8xwf 

LINK

Work With Me:

https://www.allisonvilla.com 

Follow Me on Instagram:

https://instagram.com/allison__villa 

Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review!