"We all had that one friend in elementary school who had the coolest collection of posters in their room... I was not that friend. I was the 'rip out magazine pages and hang them on my wall' kid"

'I used to be a straightener at Zellers and yes, it's as boring as it sounds'

Also, Cruz Confused Lyrics today was about ovaries, hormones, and goats!

'I will never get the tap option on my debit card. My biggest fear is someone stealing my card and going on a tap spree... It would be like Happy Gilmore trying to putt. Give it a little tappy... tap tap tap-a-roo!'

Also on the show today: Don't take advantage of someone who offers to pick up the cheque, how to properly argue about politics, what type of retired person would you want to be, and do not mess with Rick Moranis!

Ever think about what kind of retired person you want to be? There are a ton of options out there for you!

The 'gardening is now my life' retired person... The 'sit in my comfy chair and watch Jeopardy' retired person... The 'super grandparent' retired person... The 'I suck at golf but still do it every day' retired person... (we thought of like 20 more in this clip. Did we miss any?) - Stacie & Clayton

'Do you ever get jealous of your kids because their grandparents just spoil them rotten and you're like wow you were not like this to me when I was a baby, what the heck Mom and Dad!'

'I'd rather watch a bunch of fat bears try to sprint than the same old shark shows every year'

Stacie - 'Whenever someone is doing work in my house, I always feel pressure to entertain them. Like, do I get them a drink? Do I play them a song on the piano? Do I perform some magic tricks for them?'

Clayton - 'That's why I always leave when that happens... but I always worry that they're breaking the rules of the house. If I leave, are they going to use the good towels that we save for company?'

'I'm a proud member of the $4.00 pillow club. The supplies I need to clean a pillow would probably cost more than just buying a new pillow'

'Imagine going to computer design school for 4 years, paying tens of thousands of dollars, and your first job out of school is creating CGI sex scenes because no ones allowed to make out on TV shows anymore'

What if the moderator from last night's U.S. Presidential debate was allowed to swear?

You know those reporters that do the 'post-game' show for Presidential debates? What if they were allowed to swear too?

'If you find an old pack of baseball or hockey cards and the gum is still in there... don't eat the gum. It's tempting, but don't do it. That gum could probably cut vegetables it's so sharp'

'Why do kids on TV sitcoms never eat the big breakfast that their TV parents made for them? They always just rush off!'

'You bite your tongue, 3 days later it heals, and right when it does you bite the exact same spot again... everytime. So classic!'

'Some people think typewriters are making a comeback. Nothing against typewriters but whenever someone in a movie finishes a big project on a typewriter, that's usually when disaster strikes and all their work gets destroyed... I mean, happened to George Bush when he moved across the street from The Simpsons!'

'Back in our day, we didn't have filters! Our version of a filter was trying to cover up our red eyes with a sharpie.'

P.S. Today's edition of 'Cruz Confused Lyrics' is one of the best of all time!