Tonight on Cry Me a Gilmore Girls: The Pilot. A lot of people talk a lot and it's great. That's the show. Hope you like talking because now we're gonna talk about all of this talking on the talking show. It's a show where people actually work shit out by talking. And they talk WELL.

The off-season continues with a surprise dinker of a show pilot! Mikey and Jon will tackle THE VAMPIRE DIARIES and things do not go smoothly. Will they survive? Does it matter if they do? No one knows so let's go.

The off-season begins! Mikey and Jon will choose some shows at least one of them had put off seeing ... until now. Welcome to the off-season, where the rules don't follow the rules *WRESTLING NOISE* Welcome to Cry Me A The O.C.!

Chapter 13: Jughead sits between a rock and a hard place, the Blossoms upgrade to Defcon 1, Archie finally becomes a hero, and Bettie Cooper saves them all from themselves.

Chapter 12: Fred and FP get their cry on, Alice gets her gun on, Betty gets her Jughead on, and Archie gets the f#@% on ... hopefully.

Chapter 11: Cheryl has a weird plan that goes nowhere, Polly literally goes nowhere, and Alice Cooper earns her name as the true, first Lord of Darkness.

Chapter 10: Fred attempts to finalize his divorce much to Archie's unsurprising objection, there's a party to end of parties, Jughead has a problem with birthdays, and we finally meet Archie's mother and it does not disappoint.

Archie makes a series of unfortunate decisions, Ethel is back from the Stranger Things' Upside-down death-jail, and Alice continues to experiment with this thing we like to call "empathy and human emotions."

Chapter 8: Archie and his friends do the obvious thing you know is going to happen from the outset but a Moose gets wounded, so of course Archie plunges headlong into violent gang activity. Also, Betty's Mom turns over every leaf in the neighborhood.

Cheryl does something illegal. Sheriff Old Chris Pine does something illegal. Fred Andrews does something illegal. JugDad does something illegal. All of the other parents do something illegal. Riverdale is illegal.