Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée say goodbye to Krypton with Adventure Comics no. 387! It's the final comic featuring a member of the Super-family until 2023, and Supergirl is determined to make sure we don't miss them too much! First, the Maid of Might overcomes her weakness to kryptonite, but at the expense of her beautiful, beautiful face! Will she accept the trade-off in order to become humanity's greatest champion? Nope. Like, she doesn't even consider it! Then, Supergirl remembers why she's grateful for her impenetrable uterus when she meets Lex Luthor's obnoxious, superpowered nephew. So... he can lift cars with his mind, but he can't clean out his own diaper? Oh, that's mighty convenient, you little twerp!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get the spins from 1988's Spiral Zone no. 1! The evil Overlord has taken over half of the planet using secret spiral technology, and it's up to four bros and a lady to maintain the illusion of trying to stop him long enough to generate a successful franchise! But when heroic dunce "Tank" Schmidt gets pulled from the war due to general incompetence, he'll have a lot of time to sit and think about the things that really matter. Things like disobeying doctor's orders to go look for his missing son, who probably doesn't like him anyway. Or the radiation poisoning he may be spreading while doing so. Or the fact that he's obviously walking directly into a trap. Hopefully you only need four people to save the world, because Tank is a walking liability who's probably going to get his head stuck in a honey pot any minute now.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée swing into 1979's Spider-Woman no. 20! Between losing her job due to general incompetence and getting evicted because she doesn't bother reading her own mail, Jessica Drew, aka the Spider-Woman, is having a bad day. And now she's being followed by the completely unrelated Spider-Man, who wants to see if she might be a good candidate for another girlfriend he can get killed! After some casual superhero flirting (read: reckless destruction of private property with no repercussions), Jessica spills her insanely-complicated backstory, involving cow people, serum injections, rocket ships, Hydra franchise locations, and several wizards of questionable integrity. Will the ol' Webhead stick around to help piece together the horribly fractured mind of his new ladyfriend? Uh, look, he's got an early morning tomorrow and everything, it's just a bad time, y'know?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée stifle juvenile giggles while reading 1973's The Incredible Hulk no. 169! It's the fight of the century, the jade giant versus the provocative Bi-Beast! That's right, the Bi-Beast is loud and proud and he doesn't care who knows it! Of course, "it" refers to the fact that he has two heads sharing a single skull. That's... really kinda it. Look, he lives alone in a secret cloud city in the sky, excuse him for not running his codename by a focus group of grade school children first. But none of that matters to the Intolerant Hulk, who's enraged by anything that he thinks might threaten the established cultural norms he's become so comfortable with over the years. Hey Hulk, here's something you can try smashing: It's called social inequality, you jolly green bigot!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée quit "stallin'" and finally get around to reading Jonny Quest special no. 2! Globetrotting tween Jonny Quest is at it again, stirring up international incidents in foreign countries and facing zero consequences for his actions. This time, he and his non-traditional family have traveled to Russia to investigate claims that a group of space communists have been covertly influencing the course of human history for millennia! Now, the reanimated corpse of Lenin has returned to lead his comrades in the first stage of an intergalactic proletariat uprising! Can the Quest crew convince them that capitalism is the only true path to freedom before they erase all semblance of a social hierarchy? The future of the blue jean industry may hinge on it!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée shed some tears for Superman no. 263! Emotionally-repressed Kryptonian Kal-El is forced to celebrate his fake earth birthday because humans won't give up their petty traditions even when it goes against the will of a god. What's the secret reason that Superman privately cries on every sixth birthday? Is it because he's worried My Chemical Romance might break up again? And, in another tale, Supes fights a flaming wolf, which is probably just a metaphor for his rage at having to blow out birthday candles like a pathetic mortal every year.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée rev their engines for the first issue of Death Race 2020! A sequel to Roger Corman's 1975 schlockfest, Death Race follows the continuing adventures of President Frankenstein as he attempts to rid society of the hyperviolence we love so, so well. Turns out taking away our right to run down strangers in our cars for fun and profit offends basically every part of the soul of America, forcing the race underground. There, a colorful cast of loveable psychopaths do a great job of showcasing why all those moms in the 90s were trying to shut down the comic book industry in the first place. Will Frankenstein hold strong to his pacifist principles, or give into his barely-repressed bloodlust? Well, he is an American president, so maybe adjust your expectations accordingly.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée open up the Tomb of Dracula as they wrap up a month of Halloween comics! Issue 10 is the first appearance of vampire slayer Blade, except here he's just some dude with a green coat and no superpowers who happens to think vampires are dumb and has built his whole persona around that opinion. And to make his point, he'll hunt Dracula to whatever dark, foggy castle he's currently hiding out in! Unless, of course, he's hanging out on a cruise ship for some bizarre reason. Hey guess what, that's exactly what he's doing! It seems the count is peppering a bit of Jimmy Buffet into his usual Robert Smith aesthetic, but if Blade gets his way ol' Vlad's gonna arrive in Margaritaville with a teak stake in his heart!

Plus, time's running out for the Halloween Horror Box Kickstarter from Asylum Press! Take a look!

Halloween Horror Box-A Collection of All-New Horror Comics! by Asylum Press — Kickstarter

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are on parade after reading The Mighty Thor no. 207! Welcome to the real-world town of Rutland, home of the annual Rutland Halloween Parade, where DC and Marvel both briefly pretend they're not litigious corporate behemoths and allow their characters to tiptoe around each other semi-freely! It's a perfect setting for this bizarre meta tale, where a carload of comic book creators make their way to Vermont to celebrate that most holy of October holidays. Unfortunately, Thor is making his way to the same location, on account of his being incapable of allowing any public gathering to take place without rampant destruction. It's the superhero's code! Can the Asgardian finish fighting with his brother Loki in time to go trick-or-treating? Sure, a thousand-year-old Norse God isn't usually considered the right demographic to go begging for candy, but there are full-sized Snickers out there!

This time on the Couch: Things get spooky for Mike, James, and Shée when they read 1995's Batman no. 523! The Scarecrow is terrorizing the bullies from his past again, but this time he's been drawn all weird! Can Batman and his strong jawline put a stop to Crane's very specific reign of terror before, like, three or four people get hurt? And would it really be all that bad if he didn't? What's the return on investment for this whole "vigilante" thing anyway? Is it actually worth all this effort just to ensure that a handful of meatheads who peaked in high school get to continue contributing nothing to society until they die a nice natural death? Is this the absolute best use of Batman's resources? I mean, he knows about homeless people, right? They're all over town! Anyway, it's a pretty cool book. Happy Halloween!