Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get sucked up into a whirlwind of interspecies romantic with Solo Avengers Starring: Hawkeye no. 18! With the useful Avengers out of town, Hawkeye just wants to get in some shirtless target practice and forget his many, many failings as a superhero. There's only one problem: Cowboy goofball the Texas Twister has come a'lookin' for help rasslin' up the slimy gremlin what stole the soul of his darlin' Star, and Hawkeye is too much of a coward to tell him to kick rocks! Together, the two heroes (?) confront the monstrosity, only for Tex to lay a big slobbery kiss right on its face! What's going on here?! Have all the methane fumes of a life on the range finally eaten their way into his brain? Also, in a bewildering backup tale, Moondragon and her talking pendant have to escape from space bugs who want to steal the baby that contains her cousin's mind! If the solution involves more kissing this might be the greatest comic book ever made!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée shine their black light of justice on Phantom Lady no. 13! When she's framed for murder by her robotic doppelganger, the mysterious Phantom Lady must clear her name the only way she knows how: By punching anyone who gets in her way until the police agree to drop all charges! It's a legal strategy that could've saved O.J. a lot of hassle. But one adventure is never enough for this Lady, so she's off to investigate why all of the radio stations have suddenly stopped broadcasting. Does the answer involving beating up Nazis? It's a comic book from the 40s, isn't it? Yeah, stop being naïve. Plus, the Blue Beetle attempts to fight a mummy, but then remembers that he's just some dude who likes bugs and thinks better of it, making him the smartest crimefighter the world has ever known.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée miss their stop because they were reading 1973's Midnight Tales no. 4! Arachne and her creepy uncle, the Midnight Philosopher, have to get some upper-middle class children to go to bed. But their bourgeoise sense of entitlement means they'll only sleep if they get told some spooky stories first, because that's what people considered entertainment before God created Reddit. To no one's surprise, a guy who calls himself the Midnight Philosopher doesn't actually have anything interesting to say when put on the spot, so he plays dumb until he can get back to what he's good at: Making sorority girls uncomfortable at parties he's way too old to be going to. In the end, it's a book that'll really make you think. Specifically, it'll make you think, "Maybe I don't like comic books."

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée speed-read 1978's The Flash no 265! Barry Allen and his wife Iris are heading off for their second honeymoon, which means Barry is gonna have to find some flimsy excuse to put on his costume and go screw something up in the name of justice instead. This time, a group of benevolent aliens have come to Earth to help us to not be such diseased, gross pigs. The Flash, sensing that nobody would ever willfully help another living creature, proceeds to wreck the entire operation without asking a single question first. Luckily, there's no problem that can't be solved by running in circles really, really fast. It's just another day in the life of the most catastrophic superhero of all time, and it's all so that he can avoid spending time with the only person who can tolerate his unending string of chaotic nonsense.

This time on the Couch: Breaker, breaker, 1-9! Mike, James, and Shée are haulin' a big rig loaded up with Ms. Marvel no. 5! In the 1970s, Marvel launched an exciting new hero designed to give young female readers someone to look up to, and then clothed her in a few random scraps of fabric and had her fight a monster truck. Sure, maybe Ms. Marvel never became the feminist icon some hoped she would be, but she did jackknife a semi carrying dangerous chemicals and immediately got into a vicious brawl with an Avenger, so she can hang with the rest of the raging psychopaths we call comic book superheroes any day. Plus, check out Brian K. Vaughn's IG (@briankvaughan) to find out how to donate to Bob Wiacek's glaucoma fund and receive access to a newly-unearthed Gen13 script written by everyone's favorite Sorcerer Supreme, Alan Moore!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée read Mr. Muscles no. 22 while waiting for the squat rack to open up! So who is Mr. Muscles? Why, he's a super fit guy who never passes up an opportunity to remind people of that fact, resulting in a seemingly-endless string of jealous beefs throughout the city! Afflicted with Polio at a young age, Mr. Muscles used the power of spite to heal himself and rub it in his stupid doctor's face! Realizing how good being an Alpha feels (hell yeah, bro!), he decided to dedicate the rest of his life to blasting those delts until the whole world bowed before his superior technique! Together with his sidekick Kid Muscles, they'll fight tigers, get roofied, interfere in conflicts without bothering to gather all of the facts first, and generally put out the numerous fires their hubris has caused! And don't worry, ladies; There's a Miss Muscles for you to identify with as well! Although she's only around for two Bechdel-failing pages, which were written by a man. It was the 1950s, after all.

(Outro music by Mr. Muscles.)