Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate Christmas in July with the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special! It's the second-most wonderful time of the year as the pope of 90s hyperviolence tears through wave after wave of defenseless elves on his way to assassinate brutal dictator Santa Claus! Luckily, the rich and powerful would never make wage slaves of the proletariat in the real world, so we can enjoy Lobo's rampant carnage without being reminded that we're all futilely scurrying for shelter under the oppressive bootheel of a corporate oligarchy. Oh, and there are some pretty cute penguins, too!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée run out of ape jokes with 1955's Strange Adventures no. 55! It's time to once again journey into the Gorillaverse when yet another malicious ape tries to steal the riches and power that God rightly gave to humans! After that comes a tale of a mysterious force that's destroying national monuments. It's probably just some super woke aliens, though. In another adventure, the sun is going supernova and the government instantly begins the process of protecting its citizens at any cost, which makes it satire. Finally, an astronaut turns himself into a ghost because he's not very good at his job, but then learns there's no problem that can't be solved by running 500,000 volts right through your body. Man, it's a good thing they didn't sell these books to children!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée check back in with the Kickers, Inc. by reading issue 10 for the first time while recording! Bored of only being known as an NFL superteam, the NY Smashers decide to spend their evenings fighting crime and reaping the tax benefits of self-employment! And they'll need those savings, considering that they don't ever seem to make any money with this monumental waste of time. In this issue, quarterback Jack "Mr. Magnificent" Magniconte gets conned into busting up a drug deal in South America on account of him looking the most like a narc anyway. Can this middle-aged gringo outfox a stereotypical 80s dictator and make it back to the field in time to inflict devastating cranial damage on some poor kid who had his whole life ahead of him? Well, he wouldn't be much of a hero if he couldn't!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée try to explain what 'radio' is to anyone under 30 while reading Sonic Disruptors no. 1! In the year 2030, the American government has undertaken a coup that's made rock music and communist sympathy illegal. Luckily, a gang of leftie weirdos have taken up residence in a satellite and is broadcasting whatever the gosh durn heck they please, free of stuffy format restrictions and FCC-mandated weekly Emergency Broadcast System tests. Thanks grandpa, but I'm pretty sure if there's a tornado coming I'll hear about it on Twitter. Can the Sonic Disruptors overthrow the US government using only the combined power of hot riffs and outdated broadcasting mediums? No idea, because this book was cancelled barely halfway through it's intended 12-issue run. Most likely the left won a hollow, meaningless victory which they then proceeded to squander until the distinction between them and their political opponents was all but eliminated, robbing a disenfranchised citizenry of even the illusion of true representation. Happy Fourth, everyone!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée go crazy for the Badger no. 8! That's right, it's the Badger! The only superhero self-aware enough to admit that he's insane and belongs in a mental institution. It's a refreshing change of pace, but unfortunately all good things must come to an end and the Badger is released back into the endless yammering and chain-smoking of civilized society. Fortunately for us, it turns out he's been sprung by a sixth century Druid turned 80s business mogul (a surprisingly natural transition) who wants to recruit the Badger to fight a demon who's been rudely leaving corpses all over his property. Hey buddy, murder is one thing, but at least deposit the remains into a designated meat bin! Can the Badger resolve the situation without getting all aggro and literally mincing the demon into a fine paste? Hopefully not!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dropkick their toasters in robot-fighting solidarity after reading Rai and the Future Force no. 9! It's the year 4002, and evil space bots have taken over the earth because everyone forgot to opt out of Amazon Sidewalk. The world's best hope for salvation rests with nanite-powered superhero and everyone's second favorite bread (after banana), Rai! To fend off the invasion, he's put together a motley crew of courageous warriors who won't stop battling until they each get their own toy line! Everyone's here: Magnus, Robot H8er! Space Hillbillies! X-O Manowar But Now It's a Lady! The Crypt Keeper With a Gun! Other ones! Even with all that, the most outlandish part is that Valiant Comics is still around a couple thousand years from now. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far, guys.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée stop and frisk 1988's COPS no. 5! In the distant future of the year 2020, a crack team of law enforcement agents have banded together around a single noble goal: To shove another half-baked franchise in front of millions of impressionable children and cash out before the Supreme Court shuts this whole scam down! In this issue, canine unit officer Bowser is bummed because his robot dog got blown up, which is especially scary because that guy is a psychological minefield even on a good day. But don't you worry, because if there's one thing the police know how to handle, it's the de-escalation of delicate mental health episodes with compassion and tact. The boys in blue'll unload 40 rounds into that pesky psychotic breakdown faster than you can say, "Zyprexa"!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée read Doc Savage no. 22 during a break in their daily two hours of exercise! In this issue, Doc Savage, adventurer and golden-skinned ultra-Chad, spins a light-hearted tale from his boyhood about the time he and his parents took a family trip to Siberia! Of course, they were there to pick over the ruins of a massive asteroid strike, and the whole thing gets sidelined by the murder of Savage's mother, as well as some awkward confusion about who his real father is, but by Savage Family standards it went pretty well! They probably went back the next year! Unfortunately, the young Savage got so busy with his regular routine of squats and bronzing that by the time he became an adult he'd forgotten to do something about the next asteroid strike, which is scheduled for... any day now!? Uh oh! How many dips is he gonna have to do to solve this mess?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée wonder why a gorilla would wear a suit when they read Strange Adventures no. 201! If you were printing comics in the 60s, there was no better way to move units than to put a primate in your book and set him loose on an unsuspecting hero. Also, if you were printing comics in the 60s, hopefully you swiped enough copies of Amazing Fantasy no. 15 to have retired by now. But while you were achieving financial independence, D-lister Animal Man was fighting a 400-pound monster in a fedora, and getting absolutely wrecked in the process! Maybe next time try absorbing the abilities of an animal that can reconstruct its spine after it's been ground into paste! Plus, in another tale, two daring adventurers with the same fashion sense fight their way through a surreal hellscape in order to tip over an old man's tub of Hydrocodone. Enjoy your joint pain, grandpa! That's what you get for doing your squats incorrectly all these years!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée christen a new episode by reading Batman: Holy Terror! In an alternate version of Gotham City set under British rule, things pretty much turn out the same as they did in OG Gotham, with Bruce Wayne's parents getting killed and him swearing bloody vengeance upon the ills of society. The only difference is, in this reality, he's also super into God. That's right, this Bruce Wayne is washed in the blood of the lamb and the criminal element! But will the Lord guide Batman to his parents' true killer, or is the Supreme Deity just another bootlicking toady of the State? Also, isn't it weird that this Batman doesn't have a Robin? If you ask me, being a priest is a way more believable cover story for why you have a rosy-cheeked young boy running errands for you than just being some rich guy.