Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée finally reach their tolerance limit with 1986's Transformers no. 20! When a damaged Autobot named Skids lands in some trailer trash Wyoming nothing town, things get straight up Twin Peaks. Except instead of a murder mystery there are bizarre human/robot cucking rituals, local mechanics who clearly should be working for NASA, and insane alpha males who will gladly rack up multiple criminal charges just to run you off the road if they suspect you might've cut them off the other day. The town's delicate ecosystem is disrupted by the presence of bloodthirsty Decepticon panther Ravage, but even that won't keep Skids from finding time to seal the deal with popular local short-shorts enthusiast Charlene while her beta coworker Wendell watches and sobs. In an age of political and social divisiveness, it's one thing we can all finally agree on: This is absolutely an abomination.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée have the power of Greyskull, and they'll need it to get through 1987's Masters of the Universe no. 9! It's tough being a weird legless elf wizard when all of your friends are super buff he-men with names like Man-at-Arms and... well, He-Man. Inadequacy finally gets the best of Orko when his girlfriend sacrifices herself to save him during one of the infiltrations of evil sects that happen in Eternia all day every day. For a civilization of Godlike warriors you'd think their planet wouldn't be such a shithole. Anyway, old Orks gets his wiry blue fingers on the mystical Hate Stones and proceeds to drop 'bows all over evil's ass, doing a way better job than He-Man and his super-jacked workout squad ever did. Really not seeing a problem here; At this rate Eternia might get indoor plumbing eventually. All that plus the hot new podcast craze of 2018, pigeonholing James' musical interests!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée have heard your pleas and are taking yet another trip to the Continuity Comics Continuniverse! It's time to get acquainted with Continuity's crown jewel, Megalith the Ultimate Man, as he joins fellow under-aged superheroes Armor and the Silver Streak to form the Revengers for some reason! In 1988's Revengers no. 4, Megalith acquires a plot of land and tricks his new superpowered friends into building a house on it for him instead of fighting crime. But they won't even get the foundation set before they're attacked by a crazed group of backwoods mutant hillbilly zombie freaks who don't take kindly to no poorly-written supertypes 'round here. Plus, learn the baffling origin of Megalith and find out exactly how tall he is, and then find it out again like eight more times!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée explore the wild world of corporate synergy with Atari Force no. 1! In 1982 DC decided to put actual talent on a video game tie-in comic that never actually mentions video games in any way. It was a bold advertising strategy, and ensured that Atari would remain on the bleeding edge of video game technology to this very day. Plus, ideas for podcasts people might actually listen to, a deep dive into the benefits of VR sexual exploration, and James gets apoplectic over his co-hosts' flagrant disregard for his timers.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate the Fourth of July with a special Halloween episode about everyone's favorite skull-on-fire demon guy, Ghost Rider! In issue 48, Ghost Rider's human host Johnny Blaze is attacked by vampire bats and proceeds to mercilessly sic his hellspawn alter-ego on them, begging the question: Do demons just kinda wait around until someone needs vengeance over something? Plus, compelling evidence that one of the Avengers is a big Ayn Rand fan, and what AC/DC song do angry yokels use to hype themselves up for mob violence?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dive back into the Continuity Comics Continuniverse and fish out 1992's Crazyman no. 1! That's right, Crazyman: A character so unpredictable that the fact that he never really does anything all that crazy just makes him all the crazier... or something. Anyway, Danny Brody is a man with a rare mental disorder that causes him to react to any stimuli by rolling around on the floor and throwing a hissy fit, making him the hero the Ritalin generation deserved. In a book filled with geopolitical tension, eye-gougings, and multiple secret organizations, Crazyman has something for everyone, assuming what you wanted was in no way entertaining. Come take a ride back to the 90s, when shoving nuanced mental illnesses under the reductive umbrella of "crazy" was not only acceptable, but actively encouraged in the arts!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée learn a valuable after-school lesson when they read 1983's New Mutants no. 4! Fearing that the X-Men may be too old to keep manipulating into impossibly dangerous situations for his own gain, Professor Xavier has formed a group of New Mutants who are younger, more unstable, and quite a bit dumber. It's the crowning achievement of an insane career. This issue, what starts as a simple adventure involving good old-fashioned death threats over the phone turns into a bizarre PSA about the psychological effects of child abuse. So... buckle up for boffo laffs!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée read the only comic book that functions as propaganda for both the military industrial complex AND out of control consumerism, G.I. Joe! In issue 47 a bunch of colorful soldiers with deeply-repressed PTSD take to the seas in an act of unprovoked aggression. Cobra may be an international squad of snake-themed super-terrorists, but at least they respect the rules of wartime engagement. Meanwhile Snake Eyes finally loses all of his shit on a group of sharks while Storm Shadow swings a sword underwater with tremendous accuracy, and both organizations take turns seeing who can hire the more useless medical professional.

This time on the Couch: It's time for the sixth Batman special episode as Mike, James, and Shée read about the Dark Knight teaming up with the Punisher in 1994's Lake of Fire crossover! Oh, but it's not just any Batman: This here is Bruce's Xtreme 90s stand-in, Jean Paul Valley, aka Azrael, aka Azbats, aka Bigcape McClawfingers. Azzy and Punny are hot on the trail of Jigsaw as he's working a bizarre plan to set Gotham's water on fire and then sell them a new filtration plant... or something. But all of that takes a backseat to watching our two heroes bro out, admiring each other's style but lamenting what can never be. Seriously, these two psychos are right on the verge of busting into a duet of 'Strangers in the Night,' it's weird. Plus, an uncomfortable fight in a Russian bathhouse, male underarm grooming tips, and did Dick Cheney get his plan for the Middle East from a villain in a 90s comic book? Yes, he absolutely did.