Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée blast off into S.P.A.C.E. with the surprisingly woke adventures of green rabbit explorer Bucky O'Hare! That's right; For once the anti-consumerism rantings of the show are actually completely intentional and not just the errant spurts of one of Mike's Bernie Sanders wet dreams. In issue 3 of the original graphic novel's reissue, Bucky recruits a helpless little boy to be his warp drive mechanic in his war against capitalist space toads, which really kinda muddies the waters of morality here, but just go with it. Also, what the hell is Continuity Comics anyway, and do they have good drawererings? Oh, you better believe they do!!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée learn all about the Creeper with 1975's The Joker no. 3! Shortly after the Joker was allowed to return to his murderous roots he got his own short-lived solo series... where he didn't murder anyone. Instead, the Creeper is framed for Joker's crimes on the basis that the two kinda sorta seem like one another as long as you're colorblind and aren't aware of the fact that the Joker has already committed like a billion crimes. Plus, guess which member of the show figures Charles Schulz was a Nazi, which is abnormally interested in how phallic the Joker's nose is, and which is tired of Mark Millar's bullshit. Honestly, most of that is pretty interchangeable.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée prove that research is for suckers when they read 1986's Kickers, Inc. no. 7 live while recording! For the first time, the gang goes into a book totally blind, with no knowledge of what to expect beyond the cover and the concept. That concept? The fictional NY Smashers football team is moonlighting as vigilante crimefighters, because apparently both of those jobs are really just kinda side hustles. It was part of Marvel's 'New Universe' initiative, which heralded an era of new characters you would see about four times and then never again. Who says comic books are a waste of money? All that, plus coach Kirby motivates his team by throwing shit at them (presumably because his marriage is falling apart), and does this Brick guy have jaundice or does Marvel just not know how to color black people?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée put on their finest long-sleeved polos to read 1975's Phoenix no. 1! In the 1970s, Marvel Comics founder Martin Goodman decided to start up a new comics company, but this time populate it with boring, generic nobodies to see if that would work. The old Goodman Charm couldn't keep Atlas/Seaboard Comics afloat and it folded in about a year. What went wrong? Editorial mismanagement? External economic factors? Or was it that books like Phoenix were so dull kids fell asleep just from touching them? Meanwhile Shée receives no quarter for her complaints about primates, and how did a bunch of aliens end up with Jon Arbuckle's wardrobe anyway?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée try to untangle the mysteries of the world's most pliable superhero when they read 1968's Plastic Man no. 10! When sidekick Gordy gets a transfusion of Plas' weird freak blood he becomes a copycat superhero, only to discover that helping people has more to do with not being a moron than it does with having actual superpowers. Then the Dollmaker shows up with an army of shrunken thieves that he uses to commit petty crimes, suggesting he's more interested in the thrill of breaking the law than actually having money because that is some next-level technology he's wasting. How can the real Plastic Man deal with all of these clueless dolts that surround him and still find time to give it to his hot rich girlfriend? Plus a Kenny Roger's update and James ratchets up his campaign to get the Sybian to sponsor the show.

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée take a trip to the center of the world or whatever with The Warlord no. 1! By 1976 we were mostly sure the Earth wasn't shaped like a bowl, but that didn't stop Mike Grell from putting Green Arrow's stunt double into some kind of leather evening gown and sending him out to defend the secret world beneath our feet as the Warlord! In his solo debut, the Warlord and his platonic training buddy Tara neglect to stop some slavers and get bitten in the ass when those same slavers infiltrate their non-sexual training cave! Plus, checking in with the Flat-Earthers, and did you guys know Kenny Rogers used to have a psychedelic band?

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée finish up their deep dive into the Spider-Clone saga with 1995's Amazing Spider-Man no. 400! Spider-Poseur Ben Reilly swings by the Parker household to remind Peter that he's only gonna visit him another three or four times and then he's totally leaving and never coming back, and everyone's gonna be super sad and miss him, for real this time. Then Aunt May dies, but not before using her last day as one big "Gotcha!" to let her nephew know that she knew he was Spider-Man all along. Between that and her death Peter's pretty shook up but still finds time to show off how much he's been beasting those pecs lately, so it's not all bad. Also, the Traveller shows up with a device he figures is what iPads will look like (he's wrong), and James finds pictures of spider vaginas. Put a gimmicky tombstone cover on 2017 and welcome the new year with a 22-year-old comic that's been retconned into irrelevance!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée revisit the Spider-Clone saga with 1975's Amazing Spider-Man no. 149! The Jackal's war with ol' Webpits finally reaches its conclusion when the villain unleashes his secret weapon: A clone of Spider-Man's hot dead girlfriend! Oh, and also a clone of Spider-Man himself, who is summarily forgotten about pretty much instantly. And just for good measure, the Jackal has also kidnapped Ned Leeds, who will eventually become the Hobgoblin, because everyone in Peter Parker's life becomes a supervillain who hates him. Also, how does Spidey make his web fluid? You'll wanna clone yourself so you can listen twice as often!

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée go on meme patrol as they investigate Action Comics no. 457, which is absolutely not about child molestation, so you can all stop posting that cover now. Instead be offended by the story within, where Superman must reveal his identity to a dying kid and the little turd won't believe him despite it being really obvious that he's Clark Kent. Meanwhile baffling new villain Whirlicane builds a giant flying cordoba hat for some reason. Plus, a non-update on trying to nail down the Sybian as a sponsor, a plug for Happy! on SyFy, way too many ads for Slim Jims and scam workout routines, and James goes nuclear defending Michael Jackson.

This time on the Couch: Darkseid's Couch reaches its landmark 50th episode, making it the internet's longest-running podcast (citation needed)! Mike, James, and Shée celebrate by finally remembering to explain the name of the podcast and then reading issue 5 of the forgotten 1986 Super Powers miniseries! The closest Jack Kirby ever came to drawing the Justice League is a toy line tie-in featuring decidedly Silver Age versions of Batman, Robin, and the Flash trapped in a nightmarish future world ruled by granite-faced tyrant Darkseid. The only way out? A cage match with a Hulk lookalike wearing elf ears for some reason. At least the parademons are adorable. Here's to another 50 episodes, but probably not because this shit is a lot of work!