Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike and James take an uncomfortable island vacation with Moon Knight, comicdom's most beloved multiple-personality-afflicted character. That's assuming you don't count the Hulk, Azrael, Enchantress, Legion, Two-Face, the Green Goblin, or the Ventriloquist. None of those guys had special, poorly-defined moon powers, though! And he'll need all of the moon strength he can get, because he's leading an untrained group of assistants and street children into the lair of the mysterious White Angel! Why is the White Angel using voodoo to turn civilians into mindless drones that will blindly service his heroin empire? Probably because neo-leftist tax policies have made it impossible for a hard-working small business owner to pay his drug harvesters a fair salary. Also, Mike goes on a violent rampage when he threatens Rush Limbaugh, screams at in-studio guest Shée about the merits of Elvis, and challenges Al Franken to a literal fistfight. But don't worry: It'll be for charity!

This time on the Couch: What is the shocking secret of Ted Kord, the second man to bear the mantle of the Blue Beetle? If you're reading 1967's Blue Beetle no. 1 don't expect to find out, because that shit isn't getting explained til later. Instead, Mike and James find our hero battling a bunch of dorks called the Squids using nothing but his robot ship and a lot of mean-spirited puns. Plus, in a backup tale, the Question makes his debut to teach kids about the practical benefits of Libertarianism, personal responsibility, and snitching on your co-workers. To review, five years after creating Spider-Man Steve Ditko was preaching to his audience like a freshmen philosophy major who just finished The Fountainhead. Note to self: Never work in the comic book industry. Also, male scissoring and the scourge of guys named Todd. If you need more entertainment you can make it yourself and stop suckling on the content creator's teet, comrad.

This time on the Couch: Mike and James awkwardly sit in on Tony Stark's intervention, aka 1979's Iron Man no. 128. It's Demon in a Bottle, the story that finally made people give a shit about Iron Man... before ceasing said shitgiving for the next 29 years. Stark confronts his growing alcoholism in the face of a string of personal and professional failures, culminating in his butler Jarvis costing his employer controlling interest in Stark International. It's a plot twist that doesn't make a whole lot of fiduciary sense, but when you're paid in stale bread and sock garters like most comic book creators your understanding of wealth management tends to be somewhat lacking. Plus Mike tells us about the drunkest professional wrestler of all time and James is really upset about all of the cavalier glass-smashing going on in comics. Someone's gonna get sepsis!

This time on the Couch: Mike and James watch Superman "solve" the problematic link between poverty and crime in 1939's Action Comics no. 8! "Solve," of course, being 1930s code for "destroy the entire ghetto in the hopes that it'll guilt the United States government into building better affordable housing." At least you're trying, Supes. It's a story that highlights Superman's oft-overlooked social avenger roots as well as his stunning lack of knowledge pertaining to housing law. Plus, more questionably legitimate movie fun facts, the restoration of weapons-grade douche George W. Bush's public image, and why aren't we all injecting ourselves with John Cena hormones? It's the question Clark Kent would be asking if he were a somewhat better journalist.

This time on the Couch: Mike and James head all the way to LA to hang out with the West Coast Avengers, the socially-minded superteam that formed with the express purpose of addressing the real-life hardships facing Southern California during the 80s and 90s. Just kidding; Mostly it's Hawkeye in a sauna recapping better comic books you could've bought instead. Pretty arrogant for a C-lister. In West Coast Avengers no. 25, Wonder Man struggles to balance Hollywood fame with being a legit superhero until the Abomination pops in to tell him not to worry about it because nobody thought Wonder Man was a legit superhero anyway. Meanwhile Tony Stark casually strolls through two panels because he was still 20 years away from anyone giving a shit about him, and Moon Knight shows up just long enough to hop into a helicopter, presumably to be airlifted into a cooler book.

This time on the Couch: Mike and James muddle their way through the waxed-chested adventures of Kull the Destroyer in issue 11 of his 70s comic book revival, a hapless adaptation of a way more fun Robert E. Howard short story. Marvel somehow injects a murderous conspiracy and loads of naked axe-swinging with all of the gravitas of a 2nd grade tea party. More like Dull the Destroyer, amirite!? Plus the guys exonerate legendary merman Michael Phelps, discuss the Mandela Effect, and misremember some racist Tim Allen trivia.

This time on the Couch: It's almost Valentine's Day and Mike and James are celebrating it the same way they learned about love in the first place: By reading the insane power fantasies of a low-brow media aimed at maladjusted little boys. In Green Lantern Corps no. 206, 14-year-old space cop Arisia uses her godlike power ring to instantaneously mature herself into an adult so she can get some action from legendary space dawg Hal Jordan. It sets off a load of touchy questions about love, but luckily two guys in their 30s with the emotional maturity necessary to host a comic book podcast are here to draw moral lines for you. Meanwhile, Kilowog backhands a reporter for doing her job while a cartoon squirrel cheers him on, and the Black Hand unleashes some 9/11-level mayhem, which everyone kinda forgets about once they realize their leader is banging a teenager. Happy Valentine's Day!!

This time on the Couch: Mike and James travel to the short-lived Malibu Ultraverse to read all four issues of superhero-sorta-satire-series Exiles, a book about a bunch of kids with powers but absolutely no knowledge of how to avoid getting innocent bystanders' necks snapped. It's kinda a big part of the gig. What threatens to be another 90s comic full of overmuscled cliches turns out to be another 90s comic full of overmuscled cliches with a surprisingly ballsy twist ending. Plus, in a legendary display of spite, Steve Gerber steals Howard the Duck back from Marvel using their own comic book, and the creator of manboy superhero Prime is probably going to prison forever.

This time on the Couch: It's time for another special Dark Knight episode of Darkseid's Couch as Mike and James read 1969's Batman no. 217! With Robin leaving the cave, Bruce Wayne does what any psychologically-fractured crimefighter would do: He moves Batman's operations to a swinging bachelor penthouse in the heart of Gotham, puts on his finest smoking jacket, and verbally berates grieving widows in a desperate attempt to fill the aching void in his soul. It may be a little early for a midlife crisis, but keep in mind that Bruce Wayne will probably only live til 45, at best. Alone again after all these years, Batman must face his biggest fear of all: Getting shot in the arm by a no-name thug and looking like a chump in front of a woman. At least Killer Croc leaves a badass scar.