Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: It's Ape Fever, and not the kind that killed all of those kids in Africa. Mike and James go considerably less than bananas over Planet of the Apes no. 19, also known as Lord of the Rings with Monkeypeople. With the Apes franchise on the ropes and Star Wars preparing to soak up all of that sweet, sweet disposable nerd income, Marvel pretty much left PotA Magazine to die, resulting in a book so bad they actually published a multi-page criticism of the films' novelizations and called it content. That is not good corporate #synergy. The guys try to stay awake by discussing primate peyote trips and envisioning the parallel universe where Marky Mark prevented 9/11. In Wahlberg we trust!

This time on the Couch: Deathstroke brings his enhanced super-assassin senses and love of outdated 70s slang to his first appearance in The New Teen Titans no. 2. Since the team's primary goals seem to be hanging around Changeling's dad's pool and complaining about their subpar father figures, Deathstroke and his maniac son Ravager may just pose a real threat to them after all. It's a classic tale of shitty dads and the unappreciative sons who use them! Plus, it's the final episode to feature James' blood pressure, as his obnoxious, motorcycle-revvin' neighbor sends it permanently through the roof. VVRRRMMM VRRRRMM!!!!

This time on the Couch: In 1994, a mere 21 years after his first appearance, Blade the Vampire Hunter finally headlined his first monthly comic. By 1995, he... was no longer doing that. Mike and James investigate the first issue to try and figure out what went so very, very wrong with our favorite daywalking assassin. SPOILER ALERT: It was the all-chili diet. Also, in new segment Darkseid's Ottoman, the guys reappraise the merits of X-Men ripoff Cyberforce in light of the revelation that the two teams actually crossed paths once in 2007 and were forced to awkwardly acknowledge their blatant similarities. Will Cyberforce's status be update from "shitty, clueless imitation" to "shitty, self-aware imitation"? You can find out by listening. That's how this works.

This time on a very special episode of Darkseid's Couch: It's a Fourth of July Podstravaganza as Mike and James try to explain what the hell is going on in 1988's Captain America no. 344. Cap battles a lizard Ronald Reagan for the safety of the country amidst a dizzying array of characters you've never heard of before. The bench goes deep with Boomslang, Diamondback, anarcho-nihilist Viper, a whole bunch of unexplained Captain America analogues, and D-Man, who quite literally just runs around wearing Wolverine's costume for no reason. He's the derivative comic book find of the 1980s! Plus Mike breaks down and finally watches Preacher, and stick around til the end for an exclusive, never-before-heard recording of Cap meeting the Gipper himself! It'd be pretty much impossible to fake something like that, so it must be real!

This time on the Couch: Mike and James follow the time-travelling futuristic adventures of Jonah Hex, People's Hexiest Man Alive, 1985! In his first post-Crisis appearance, Hex arrives in a dystopian Libertarian paradise where everyone's in polyamorous relationships, water is basically non-existent, and if you're lucky you subsist on giant roasted grasshopper thorax. Them's good vittles! Plus the guys devise winning campaign strategies for Trump and Jill Stein, and the inside scoop on a way to legally read comics for free without having to leave your house. Your bedsores will thank you!

This time on the Couch: It's part one of a dystopian doubleheader as Mike and James read the 'classic' (?) Elseworlds tale 'Superman: At Earth's End,' aka 'Punisher Superman Shoots Hitler Clones in the Face With His Murdercannon.' Thrill as Superman breaks out his rarely-used power of superhypocritism to moralize about how we should abolish guns while brandishing the most absurdly outsized weapon this side of a Rob Liefeld cream dream. Critics agree: It's about 50 pages!

This time on the Couch: Journey back to the halcyon 90s, a decade of clear sodas, economic prosperity, and huge goddamn pouches that are never opened. In 1992, Cyberforce burst onto the comics scene and completely redefined how we think about cheap X-Men knockoffs. There's the big metal guy who's not Colossus, the angry guy with claws who's not Wolverine... Whatever your favorite mutant, Marc Silvestri has a boring ripoff just for you! Plus, James shares his completely rational and justified fear of centipedes, while Mike draws hearts around pictures of him and Jesse Ventura. He just loves those wavy grey locks!

This time on the Couch: How does a superhero juggle saving people with having a career and a home life? If you guessed the answer involves punching, then you've probably read a comic book before. Congratulations! Mike and James discuss The Adventures of Superman 430, Dorf on Golf, and the albatross on female characters with "Cat" in their names.

This time on the Couch: If you like your comic book characters with skulls on their costumes, then 1.) you're probably a twelve-year-old boy, and 2.) you're in for a treat as both the Punisher and Taskmasker turn up in this issue of Daredevil to show off their extreme 90s style. There's also an appearance from Spider-Man barrel-scraper Tombstone, and it's all capped off with the most nefarious crime in comics: Unauthorized bus driving!

no. 425, which takes place right before Jason Todd, a.k.a. Robin II, a.k.a. Robin the Remix gets the old crowbar facelift from the Joker in 'Death in the Family' (spoiler alert for a 28-year-old comic). Then the guys discuss Batman v Superman. Licensed Batmanologist James offers some insightful and nuanced opinions on the film, so you'll want to skip over that so you can go back to getting your opinions from the Tumblrfied talking points echo chamber that is the internet's hivemind. Don't act like you don't have an hour to spare for our lord and savior, the Batgod!